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| A Note to Newer People We are all just people - human beings with a common interest in what many refer to as kink. We have jobs, family and homes. Those of us who are active in the lifestyle vary in our level of involvement. For some, BDSM is a fun, sexy thing to do. For others, it is a journey that encompasses their entire lives. Most are somewhere in between. Like the rest of the world, most of us are very nice people. We all have bad days, and at times, we too have to make apologies for inconsistent behavior. Feel free to be yourself and not live up to what you think others' expectations may be of you. As long as we share our common goal of respect towards each other, to the best of our ability, we are all equal. |
| BDSM Etiquette |
| Many people just breaking into the scene have had limited dealings with other people who are into BDSM. Their ideas and experiences are often limited to books they have read, scenarios they have imagined, and relationships they may have had in cyberspace. All of these realms are often firmly rooted in fantasy and can bear very little resemblance to real life. Therefore many people who are new to the scene have some very unrealistic expectations about how to behave and how they might be treated by others. The following is a brief, but generally acceptable, behavior plan at most functions within the lifestyle. Readers will find this guide to be fairly consistent of expectations among the various BDSM groups. When in doubt, always show respect, and never be afraid to ask questions. |
| Vanilla Courtesy Applies Until Negotiated Otherwise Welcome to the real world, not a fantasy novel, not cyber BDSM, but a group of individuals with a common knowledge of a lifestyle interest. Some players enjoy the role-playing of Master/slave. However it is presumptuous and rude to treat everyone as if they were in that, or any role. Just because someone is a submissive by nature, does not make them your submissive. If both of you have not negotiated a scene together, then neither of you has a right to give orders, or be obligated to follow them. Example: Kneeling at the feet of someone who hasn't asked you to can be every bit as imposing and offensive as being ordered to. If you are unsure of a person's name respectfully ask their preference, never make up "pet" names for others without negotiating first as even names are personal. |
| Do Unto Others There is an old BDSM proverb: "Don't piss on someone else's kink". It is generally considered RUDE to trash someone else's turn-on. The beauty of our lifestyle is that it is unique and custom to each individual and/or partnership. Some scenes, topics of discussion may arouse you. Some scenes, topics of discussion may be disturbing to you. It is counter-productive for us to find fault in others for taking pleasures in things we do not. We all come to the lifestyle looking for knowledge, acceptance and support in what we believe in. Show respect towards what others find interesting, you may find yourself more interested than you thought, through the knowledge you obtain. |
| Look But Do Not Touch In the context of a scene, it is considered RUDE to touch another person or their toys without first receiving permission from the owner. Touching another's equipment is done only after permission is granted. This can be very important if it involves a collared submissive but is basic etiquette and respect for everyone. Physical contact can be very powerful and personal. If unwelcome, it is violating. Our toys are also very intimate objects imbued with powerful emotions, and can be very personal. Many are handmade, delicate, or can be dangerous if touched without knowledge of their operation. Handling someone else's toys or equipment without permission can have the same emotional impact as fondling their body without permission. Be respectful, ask permission before you touch. |
| Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC) and Voluntary Informed Consensual Sane Safe(VICSS) If you are new to the lifestyle, expect to hear this phrase repeated over and over. What "Safe Sane, Consensual" basically means is that you take precautionary measures to prevent accidents, know to not do anything obviously dangerous, know your play partner and negotiate in advance what activities you are willing to engage in. What is " Voluntary Informed Consensual Sane Safe"? To read on VICSS, read "Abuse vs. Erotic Power Exchange". I strongly urge everyone to become familiar with its' content. It is self explanatory. |
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