Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source - in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter.
Respect: Any type of Erotic Power Exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect.
In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.
Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to Erotic Power Exchange. Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.
Relationship: In general - (disregarding incidental kink-seeking) - Erotic Power Exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.
Dominance and Ego: Dominance is not male chauvinism. Although it is sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to Erotic Power Exchange.
It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be "persuaded" into something she/he does not want. It happens to Dominants as well and submissives can sometimes be very persistent and manipulative.
Recognizing Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to by cynical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation you are in.
Physical Signals: Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (Erotic Power Exchange scenes excluded)
Has s/he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?
Do you feel obliged to have sex?
Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
Isolation: Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?
Property: Has your partner ever destroyed objects?
Has your partner ever threatened pets?
Economical: Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?
Has s/he ever stolen or borrowed without repayment from you or run up debts?
Emotional/Psychological: Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on each other? Does your relationship swing back and forth between alot of emotional distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self esteem? Do you feel you cannot discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Abuse Within An Erotic Power Exchange Relationship
Although it does not occur often, abuse within an Erotic Power Exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not "agreed" upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consensual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an Erotic Power Exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes.
These are questions that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:
* Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
* Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?
* Has s/he ever violated your limits?
* Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?
* Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?
General Reflections
No one has the right to abuse you and you are not responsible for the violence. You are also not alone. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship or situation, interact with other survivors. You will find them in local or regional support groups. Check the yellow pages of your phone directory, if needed.
There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Fear of or feelings for the abuser may be one of them. Lack of economic or emotional resources is another. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs and 24 hour crises lines in your area. Ask a friend to help you make these calls.
And, if you are planning on leaving: plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. Do not put yourself in harms way attempting to leave from the abuser, as you'll be subject to being injured or even killed.
Abuse in an Erotic Power Exchange relationship can have an even greater impact than if it happens in another relationship. The amount of trust given can have been extremely high, thus the aftermath, the disappointment and the guilt feelings can be enormous. One word of advice to aid workers: someone who has been in an Erotic Power Exchange relationship did not bring it upon his or her self. Especially in and EPE relationship where the breech of trust by the abuser is enormous.
* The above should be used in all phases of life. If applied, the outcome would be a better standard for all relationships, and would put a halt to the spreading of HIV/AIDS and other STD's.
This article is partially based on material, produced by: American National Leather Association Information Center. I wish to express That Alpha Group and Alpha Manor's mission is to provide knowledge worldwide in the prevention of disease and abuse. Be safe and be good.... Lord Alpha
Copyright 2001 The Alpha Group
All Rights Reserved
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