| October 6, 2001: |
| I am back in college now. I'd like to be able to give a happy report about what's going on in my life. Had I updated earlier, then I surely would have, but to do so now would be a deception. I have recently come to the conclusion that I am a vile, profane little man. I steal, cheat, and lie. I am far too angry, far too often. I hate more often than I breathe. When I am doing something I enjoy, I do it to excess. I want justice to apply to everyone except myself. I neglect my duties until the last possible moment, if I remember them at all. I hesitate to take responsibility for things until it is obvious that no other course is possible. I use my gift, intelligence, for evil more often than for good. After much thought, I have been unable to identifity any strong redeeming virtues in myself. Sure, I have moments where it seems that I'm doing something good, but they are few and brieft. No, I'm not suicidal, because I even lack the virtue of courage, which would be needed to commit such a terrible act. Do I wishI was never born? Yes, that would probably have been best for humanity. I'm sure the organic matter that was used composing me could have been put to a much better use in creating another person who'd be better, by far, than I. So, in other yet related news, I'm trying to get a girl friend. There is a girl that appears to like me, and I like her. However, I am unsure. I am, afterall, a complete retard when it comes to reading the signals that women constantly flash. I don't suppose it matters any. After what has happened this weekend, I know that I am not worthy to date such a moralist young lady. She seems to possess all of the virtues I lack, and none of the vices I claim as my own. Thus, I am despondent. Depressed, yes, that describes me. I have not come to a conclusion on whether I hate myself or not. Self-loathing is quite a heavy concept to add to my repertoir of negativity. I do know that my usual joys in life: reading, playing video games, and debating obscure philosophical matters, no longer hold an interest for me right now. My roommate posed two questions to me in writing this afternoon. The first, "If there was a specific time you could go back to, when would it be?" My answer, "approximately 1:30 in the morning on Saturday, Sept. 6, 2001." The second question, "If you could wake up one day to experience again a day of the past at the cost of that day in the present, would you?" My answer, "Yes. I would give up any day of the present to experience the evening and early morning of Saturday, September 6, 2001 again and avoid the terrible rumbling of Fate that awaited me on September 7." I must think on this even more, even as I leave now to get some hot chocolate from Wal Mart. |