JOKES Here are a few jokes for you all to have a good laugh at enjoy i will post more as they come in.
Jack's wife, Mary, is very beautiful. She keeps herself in very good shape. One day Joe, Jack's friend, comes over to their house when Jack isn't home and while talking to Mary offers to give her £200 if she will show him her left breast. Mary is taken aback by the offer but after thinking about it decides to call his bluff and exposes her left breast to him. Jack smiles and gives her the £200 and offers another £200 to see her right breast. Amazed at the money in her hand she flashes him her right breast and he hands her another £200. Mary laughs a little and says "Joe, you're mad. What's going on here?" "You're so beautiful." he replies, "Jack is such a lucky man." at which time he offers to pay her a final £200 if she will show him both her breasts. In disbelief she agrees but insists he must leave after giving her the money which is exactly what happens. About an hour later Jack comes home from work. "Did Joe visit today?", he asks. Mary slightly apprensive answers 'Yes, yes he did." "Good," Jack replies, "did he give you the £600 he owes me?"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while the two nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns. "Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they opened.the door. "Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the church and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners, carrying a dress. The old man that works at the cleaners sees her and smiles. He is a little hard of hearing so he speaks very loud. "What can I do for you today?" he bellows. "I need my dress cleaned," answers Monica. He couldn't understand her. "Come again?" he says. "No," she says. "Mustard this time."
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap. The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap. "Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap! The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap. "My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!" The nuns can't believe it. The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie. "My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!"

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes! The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!" With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor examined the patient and listened to the symptoms. He concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you," said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied, and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although leery about the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. The doctor consulted his watch as our hero danced around the room shouting at the physician. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm," advised doctor. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complied with the order to bend over again. The doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie," ordered the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. The following day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP went a banana, wait one minute, then UP went a cookie. After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer." "Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer," confirmed the doctor. The last day the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine." So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana. The doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Suddenly a little head poked out of the patient's ass, "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!" BANG...
Hope you liked them : ) more to come late