MSc Analytical Chemistry
Teesside is a major north eastern shithole and happily houses pollution centres Chemical and Pharmaceutical industries. The University of Teesside sees itself as an integral part of this shithole and industrial community and therefore offers an MSc in Analytical Chemistry which is just a name and has little relevance to analytical chemistry which in turn leads to it being totally irrelevant to real life and with misely European supported bursaries of 70 poxy pounds a week for suitable candidates ie people gullable enough to take it. Analytical Chemists play a key role in modern life unfortunately this course doesnt make analytical chemists it makes of mixed mongrel grade of a student who in the end is so confused he doesnt know his arse from his elbow. Sectors such as the pharmaceuticals, food, health, chemicals and forensic science are particularly dependent on analytical chemists in areas such as quality control, product screening, process control, pollution control and waste management which is nice if these things where taught on this course. Spending on analysis is expected to grow in the future and prospects for employment will remain good unfortunately having this Msc will severely hinder your chances of getting a job.

The course aims to confuse , dumbfound , annoy, agitate and make you question life and why you are actually here. Common themes running through the course are incompitent lecturers , bull shit irrelevant modules and a general cramped shitty study enviroment back drop. The course makes extensive use of guest lecturers who the uni pay barrel loads of money that could buy new equipment and be given to the students to come in from industry to talk shit for 3 hours and generally leave people bored, suicidal and have a massive headache.. Taught modules will provide nothing but pain boredom and misery barely touching on the underpinning knowledge and practical experience for a wide range of analytical techniques. The project allows in-depth study of a bull shit last minute project title thought up by zulf particular area of analytical chemistry and can be carried out either in industry<<< as long as the uni get the money or at the University where funds are limited so dont bank on doing any practical.
  • Full-time (One Year)/ Part-time
  • Modular Course with taught and project Components
  • Project can be carried out at the University or industry
  • Guest lecturers from industry and industry visits
  • ESF Funding available (70 poxy quid)
  • Require 2nd Class Honours Chemistry or other relevant science, or appropriate work experience<<< dont worry if you dont meet this they will still have you to make up numbers.

  Course Content

  • Classical Analysis
  • Separation Methods <<< use 4 figures or jayaweera will fail you.
  • Measurement and Sensors << more confusion thanks to simon bateson.
  • Spectroscopic Methods <<< a look at how the machines work God forbid they let you use them.
  • Electroanalytical Chemistry<<<< another advertisement.
  • Data Analysis and Experimental Design
  • Bioanalytical Methods<<< just there for advertisement not taught in reality.
  • Analytical Methods in Food << John Grigors where if you are on his course he gives you an A if your on any other you do shit.

Link to Course Structure

Further information and application form can be obtained from

Dr Zulfiqur Ali Bsc,PhD,Mos (Master of solataire),

School of Science and Technology, University of Teesside

Middlesbrough, TS1 3BA, UK

Tel. No. 01642 342463

e-mail: z.ali@tees.ac.uk