ROYLE FAMILY

Classic quotes from the classic show

JIM: THOSE FOREIGN HOLIDAYS ARE A SWIZZ. THEM BLOODY TRAVEL AGENTS ARE RIPPING EVERY BUGGER OFF AND MUGS LIKE HIM FALL FOR IT. THERE'S NOWT YOU CAN DO ABROAD THAT YOU CAN'T DO HERE.
BARB: WHAT ABOUT HAVING A GOOD TIME?
JIM: HAVING A GOOD TIME MY ARSE! THEY SPEND HALF THE BLOODY TIME ON THE KHAZI HAVING THE WILD SHITES.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM: RIGHT, WHERE'S ME NEWSPAPER? I'M OFF TO THE KHAZI TO TRY FOR A LITTLE BABY OF ME OWN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ DENISE: DAD! YOUR FLIES ARE UNDONE!
JIM: AH, THE CAGE MAY BE OPEN BUT THE BEAST IS ASLEEP.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM RANTS ON ABOUT RICHARD BRANSON: YOU CAN'T GET AS RICH AS HE IS WITHOUT BEING AS TIGHT AS A CAMEL'S ARSE IN A SANDSTORM, CAN YOU? HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU THE STEAM OFF HIS PISS, THAT FELLA.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NANNA (HEADING FOR THE TOILET): I'D LIKE TO TAKE "THE PEOPLE" AND "THE NEWS OF THE WORLD", AND, OOH, WHAT'S THAT FREE NEWSPAPER? I LIKE LOOKING AT THAT.
JIM: BLOODY HELL NORMA, HOW CONSTIPATED ARE YOU? YOU'VE GOT HALF OF FLEET STREET UNDER THAT ARM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TWIGGY ARRIVES UNEXPECTED FOR LUNCH: DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME BARB, I EAT ANY OLD SHITE.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM & BARB ARE WATCHING CHANGING ROOMS:
JIM: BLOODY HELL, IF YOU CALL THAT ENTERTAINMENT, WATCHING A COCKNEY KNOCKING NAILS INTO PLYWOOD. IS THAT WHAT IT'S COME TO?
BARB: SHUT UP JIM.
JIM: (SNORTS) I DON'T BELIEVE IT. LOOK AT OLD NANCY BOY, TIE-DYEING THE NEIGHBOURS CURTAINS. I'M GLAD WE DON'T PAY OUR TV LICENCE, THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.
BARB: WE DO. I PAY IT. THEY'VE GOT DETECTOR VANS NOW.
JIM: DETECTOR VANS MY ARSE!
BARB (ADMIRING LAURENCE'S STENCILLING): OHH, I THINK I MIGHT STENCIL OUR KITCHEN UNIT.
JIM: STENCIL MY ARSE! HE WOULD! THERE'S NOTHING HE'D LIKE BETTER THAN TO STENCIL MY ARSE.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- < JIM RANTS ON ABOUT NANNA:
BARB: JIM, SHE THINKS THE WORLD OF YOU.
JIM: THINKS THE BLOODY WORLD OF ME! TODAY SHE HAD A FAMILY SIZE BAG OF BLOODY REVELS AND DID SHE OFFER ME ONE? DID SHE SHITE! SHE SAT ON HER BIGFAT ARSE, ANNOUNCING EVERY ONE AS SHE PUT IT IN HER BIG FAT GOB. OOOH, COCONUT, AAAH, ORANGE. OOOO,MALT-BLOODY-TEASERS.
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BARB: SHE'S JUST JOINED WEIGHTWATCHERS.
JIM: WEIGHTWATCHERS! A ROOM FULL OF FAT-ARSED WOMEN PAYING LOADS MONEY TO BE TOLD NOT TO SHOVEL FOOD INTO THEIR GOBS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM & DAVE ARE WATCHING WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE:
CHRIS TARRANT: .... THERE'S JUST ENOUGH TIME TO CHOOSE A NEW CONTESTANT FROM THE REMAINING NINE.
JIM: THERE'LL BE NINE ARSES ALL GOING AT THE SAME TIME THERE, DAVE.
DAVE(MIMING OPENING & CLOSING ACTION): THEY'LL BE GOING LIKE THAT.
JIM: NINE LITTLE BOTTOMS CHEWING ON THEIR UNDIES.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM RANTS ABOUT BARBS MENOPAUSE: THE TROUBLE WITH ME, LAD, IS I'M TOO EASY BLOODY GOING. SHE WALKS ALL OVER ME. I MEAN THE DAY SHE DOES WORK IN THE BAKERY IT CAN BE HALF SEVEN, QUARTER TO EIGHT BEFORE MY TEA'S READY. BUT I DON'T SAY NOTHING. I JUST GET ON WITH IT.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB HAS STORMED OUT OF THE HOUSE AFTER BEING UPSET BY JIM:
DENISE: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. SHE'S ON THE CHANGE, SHE MIGHT WALK OUT IN FRONT OF A LORRY AND GET RUN OVER.
JIM: WELL, WE CAN ALWAYS PUT A CLAIM IN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM: I TELL YOU WHAT, BARB. THERE WAS A WOMAN JUST LIKE YOU, ON THE CHANGE, JUST MADE A THOUSAND POUND THERE ON THE TELLY. SO IT'S NOT ALL DOOM & GLOOM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM CHECKING PHONE BILL: NINETY-EIGHT QUID . . . IT'S GOOD TO TALK MY ARSE . . .929 1246, WHOSE NUMBER IS THAT?
BARB: IT'S MARY
JIM: MARY! YOU'VE BEEN RINGING MARY NEXT DOOR? IF YOU SHOUTED SHE COULD HEAR YOU.
DENISE; SHE CAN HEAR YOU.
BARB; GIVE IT A REST THE PAIR OF YOU.
JIM: REST MY ARSE . . . TWO POUND FIFTY PHONING NEXT DOOR . . . SHE'S IN AND OUT ALL DAY LIKE A BLOODY YOYO. I'LL PUT A SERVING HATCH IN.
DENISE: YOU'RE AS TIGHT AS A CRAB'S ARSE YOU.
JIM: CRAB'S ARSE MY ARSE. TWO POUND FIFTY . . . GOOD JOB SHE'S CURED HER STUTTER.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ DENISE STARTS TO PUT MAKE UP ON:
BARB: EH DENISE, GIVE US A GOD OF THAT NEW LIPPY, OUR DENISE. IT'S A LOVELY COLOUR IN'T IT. I CAN'T USUALLY WEAR RED. IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME. I CAN'T WEAR RED CAN I JIM?
JIM: NO, THAT'S WHAT'S HELD YOU BACK FOR ALL THESE YEARS.
BARB LOOKS IN MIRROR: DO YOU KNOW I AM LOOKING MY AGE. JUST THIS LAST FEW MONTHS IT'S CREPT UP ON ME. MIND YOU, IT COULD BE WORSE, AT LEAST I'VE STILL GOT MY SCHOOLGIRL FIGURE.
JIM: I MUST CLEAN THAT MIRROR.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE: WE SHOULD GO ON FAMILY FORTUNES ONE TIME.
BARB: OH NO, I'D GO TO PIECES.
JIM: WHAT! MOST OF THESE FAMILIES ARE THICK AS PIGSHIT. LES DENNIS IS NO BLOODY BETTER, IF YOU PUT HIS BRAINS IN A BLOODY HAZELNUT THEY'D STILL RATTLE. HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN THEY SAID THEY'D ASKED A HUNDRED PEOPLE TO NAME SOMETHING GREEN . . . AND THE OLD WOMAN WHO WAS THE CONTESTANT SAID HER CARDIGAN.
BARB: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT . . . IT WAS GREEN?
JIM: HOW WOULD THE BLOODY MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC KNOW THEY'D NEVER SEENHER. DON'T BOTHER WRITING, DENISE, YOUR MOTHER, SHE'D MAKE A SHOW OF US.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB: HERE, MARY. (OFFERING MUG OF POMAGNE) YOU'LL HAVE TO HAVE A MUG. IN'T IT AWFUL, WE'VE NOT GOT ENOUGH GLASSES.
MARY: UH, IT'S ONLY ME. (LAUGHS)
JIM: YOU'D SUP IT OUT OF A SWEATY SOCK WOULDN'T YOU MARY.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM (FROM CHAIR) WHAT SORT OF CAR IS IT ANTHONY?
ANTHONY(AT WINDOW): SIERRA
JIM: WHAT AN ESTATE?
ANTHONY: NO SALOON.
JIM: IS IT A HATCHBACK?
ANTHONY: COME AND LOOK YOURSELF
JIM (ANGRY) YOU'RE ONE LAZY LITTLE SOD YOU!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM: YOUR BIRTHDAY SOON IN'T IT JOE?
JOE: YEH
JIM: DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL?
JOE: NO
JIM: AH WELL, SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO ISN'T IT.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARY: IT'S A NICE CAMERA THAT BARBARA
BARB: IT'S FROM ARGOS . . . WE GOT THAT FOR . . . WHAT DID WE GET THAT FOR JIM?
JIM: FOR TAKING BLOODY PHOTOGRAPHS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB: THAT RUSSELL GRANT . . . HE'S VERY GOOD.
JIM: HE'S AS CAMP AS CHRISTMAS.
DENISE: WHAT IF HE IS?
JIM: HE'S SOMEONE FINE TO TALK ABOUT URANUS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB: I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE IS . . . WHETHER THEY'RE GAY, STRAIGHT,AUSTRALIAN. IT'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE AS A PERSON THAT COUNTS.
JIM: STEADY ON BARBARA, IT'S NOT LIVE AID, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANTHONY: EY DAD, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN KENNEDY WAS SHOT? EVERYONE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW.
JIM: (FEIGNING SHOCK) KENNEDY WAS SHOT! . . . I DON'T KNOW BUT WHEREVER IT WAS THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE OUR IMMERSION WAS ON.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE: WHAT TIME ARE WE GOING TO THE FEATHERS?
JIM: SOON AS YOU'RE READY.
CHERYL: I'LL NIP HOME & MAKE MYSELF BEAUTIFUL.
JIM: YOU'RE JUST COMING FOR LAST ORDERS THEN.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB (TO CHERYL): OH I LIKE THE WAY YOU'VE DONE YOUR EYES. WHAT IS IT?
CHERYL: IT'S BOOTS OWN, NUMBER SEVEN.
DAVE: AND WHAT'S ON THE OTHER EYE?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE (GETTING EMOTIONAL) EVERY TIME I CAME OUT OF THE TOILET SHE WAS ROUND HIM LIKE FLIES AROUND SHIT AND (TO DAVE) YOU'RE THE SHIT AND SHE'S NOT EVEN THE FLY COS SHE'S TOO FAT TO BE A FLY, SHE'S THE SHIT AS WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, TWO SHOVELS OF SHIT . . . . AND THAT'S IT.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE: I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED NEXT SATURDAY.
JIM: THAT'S A FEW BOB SAVED . . . LET'S GET BACK TO BED.
BARB: JIM!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB (TO DAVE & DENISE) IT'S A BIG STEP YOU'RE TAKING, YOU'RE BOUND TO BE FEELING 'ETT UP. WE'RE ALL FED UP WITH THE WEDDING. WE'VE JUST GOT TO GRIT OUR TEETH & GET ON WITH IT.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE: I'M NOT PISSED. I ONLY HAD ABOUT NINE, IT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME THE WEDDING AND . . HIM.
JIM: HE'S ALL RIGHT THE BIG LONG STREAK OF PISS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE: DAD, STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE.
JIM: HOW CAN YOU BE BOTHERED ABOUT ME PICKING MY NOSE WITH ALL THE TROUBLES YOU'VE GOT?
BARB: HAVEN'T YOU GOT A HANKY?
JIM: WHAT IN MY PYJAMAS? THERE'S BARELY ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY TACKLE.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM: DID YOU GO UP THE PEAR TREE JOE?
JOE: NO. I DON'T LIKE THE BITTER.
DAVE: NEITHER DOES MY BUMHOLE, IT'S LIKE A CHEWED ORANGE.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM: YOU CAN'T HAVE A DECENT SHIT IN THIS HOUSE, I'LL BAKE IT 'TIL SHE'S GONE.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NANA: I DON'T MIND SO LONG AS I'M BACK FOR HEARTBEAT . . . . OH I'M NOT MISSING THAT . . . . I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.
JIM: YOU'VE BEEN RAISING OUR HOPES WITH THAT ONE FOR THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DENISE: CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT NANA DYING?
JIM: YEH . . . HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF RESPECT, WAIT UNTIL SHE'S GONE OUT THE DOOR. I'M ONLY JOKING NORMA . . . THE DAY YOU GO WILL BE A SAD DAY IN THIS HOUSE . . .IF WE DON'T GET THAT CLOCK.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NANA: SEE YOU JIM . . . DON'T GET UP.
JIM: (NOT MOVING) MISSING YOU ALREADY, NORMA.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JIM: SHE ALWAYS TAKES HALF HOUR TO GO HER. SHE'LL BE ON THE PHONE FOR HALF HOUR TELLING US SHE'S GOT HOME.
ANTHONY: HAS SHE GOT A LOAD OF ANTIQUES?
JIM: HAS SHE MY ARSE!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANTHONY: WHAT WAS GRANDAD LIKE?
JIM: HE WAS THE FINEST FREE-HAND TOOL GRINDER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
ANTHONY: WHAT'S A TOOL-GRINDER?
JIM: DON'T WORRY YOUR HEAD SON, THEY WON'T HAVE ONE IN McDONALD'S BY THE TIME YOU START.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB: HOW'S YOUR DIET GOING CHERYL?
CHERYL: I'M DOING ALL RIGHT. I LOST FOUR POUNDS, I PUT TWO BACK ON, THEN ANOTHER TWO . . . SO I'VE NOT GAINED ANY.
BARB: YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL TO STICK TO IT.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARB: THERE'S TOO MUCH SWEARING IN THIS HOUSE, THAT'S YOU JIM, YOU TAUGHT THEM THAT.
JIM; MY ARSE!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANTHONY(TALKING ABOUT THE BEER IN THE FEATHERS); THE LAGER'S ALL RIGHT.
JIM: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT SOFT LAD?
ANTHONY: DAD, I'M FIFTEEN!
JIM; ALL RIGHT, BUT IF I CATCH YOU IN THE FEATHERS I'LL CLIP YOUR EARHOLE. YOU DON'T SHIT ON YOUR OWN DOORSTEP.
ANTHONY JUST RECIVES A MOCKING FOR SAYING THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND HAS GONE TO THE PICTURES WITH A MALE FRIEND JIM : NOT SUPRISED THATS SHES GOT ANOTHER BLOKE YOUVE GOT NO GCSES AND NO PROSPECTS BUT HANG ON IN THERE SON THE OTHER GUY MIGHT BE A COMPLETE LOSER ANTHONY GETS UP AND STORMS OUT BARB : BOLLOCKS JIM JIM : WHAT ?