Then there's the aspect of being told over and over by influential people in my life - mother, professor, husband - that I'm not good enough - that I didn't meet their idea of what I should be. Not that there hasn't been positive input, too - it just seems that the negative has taken over.

So a vicious cycle began - I couldn't cope mentally and just wanted to sleep or read or stare at the TV and remain isolated from people - I got physically ill (mono in college - then catching every virus that came along seems like for years) - then a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, which explained some of what I'd been feeling, but meant learning how to cope with an illness that would never go away - which made the mental part worse - which made the physical worse - and so on and on and on - occasionally breaking out of the pattern - only to fall victim to life's stressors and collapse once again.

I am here because at 40 years old, I am TIRED of feeling TIRED - sick of feeling sick - and want to take my life back!!!

Recent chronology - married for 14 years (having lived with him for 3 years first) to someone with a very controlling personality - we grew apart (I finally decided I didn't want to be controlled anymore) and we divorced in 1996 - before the ink was dry, I fell head-over-heels in love with a special man and together we were happier than either had been in years - we had 7 wonderful months together and 2 months of hell while he went through therapy after a choking accident left him brain damaged - he died in June of 1997. Grieving his death led to severe depressive episodes. My 18-year-old cat died 2 years to the day of Dave's death. With her death, all ties to my former life with my husband are gone - he didn't want anything to do with me after the divorce. Struggling to make it on my own - running my computer services business, renting rooms in my house to help make ends meet - getting taken advantage of because I'm "too nice" and just way too tired to put up a fight. Anxiety over paying bills, keeping the house that I love, some days unplugging the phone and turning out the lights so people don't know I'm here. Lying about how severe my illness is - lately, I've been telling clients that the reason their work isn't getting done is that I've been in the hospital with heart trouble - after all, can't tell them I'm suffering from depression, now can I???????

Putting on an act (and sometimes even fooling myself for awhile) that I CAN cope, that I CAN succeed - only to stumble and fall into the pit of depression and be unable to function for stretches of time. I need to learn to break the cycle once and for all."