I was a teacher for about 20 years, and looked forward every day to going to work. Then I transferred to a school where the principal was a creep and filled my personnel file with enough crap that I ended up having to give up my job. At about the same time, a "friend" defaulted on a $10000 loan that I'd cosigned, and all of a sudden, I had not only no job, but a huge debt. I've never been blessed with a lot of happiness in my life, and these things triggered a depression that has been going on seven years now. I had to sell my house, and I was invited to move in with my brother and his family. They thought they understood depression, but it turned out they didn;t have a clue, and so they spent a lot of their time trying to jolly me out of it. Worse yet, my sister-in-law was extremely verbally abusive, and I ended up having to leave. I was in and out of the hospital - been through every possible therapy but ECT (won't let them take a chainsaw to my brain) - but nothing worked. I had disability for a while, but that ran out too. Four moves in two years, and now I'm living in a basement bedroom at a friend's house, crammed in with a few boxes and bags of possessions, the rest stored pretty much inaccessibly right now. I'm currently working, but not happily. I'm with an internationally-recognised private school chain, but since it's franchise, I might as well be working at McDonald's - long hours, no benefits, miserable pay.

I am in constant pain. Meds don't work, so I "self-medicate" - I'm sure most of you know what I mean.I can't bear to be around people, because I know that I am a burden. Every night, I pray to die, but every morning, I wake up. Suicide is a very strong attraction right now, and the only thing holding me back is knowing that it would cause the few people who still care about me so much pain. But it's a constant battle to not just take all those pills and get it over with.

I hope that I can find someone who has been through a similar experience and can provide me with some useful advice. I just want to find peace.