I remember walking outside in the morning to go to school and my father would be parked across the street just watching us. He would follow my mother everywhere she went no matter where it was, eventually we noticed my mother losing weight and never sleeping at night.She started to get paranoid everytime she left the house. I realized just how miserable she was being with that man for so many years.He wouldn't let her wear makeup or dresses. She wasnt allowed to go anywhere unless he said so, she had no self esteem left and when they did get divorced she looked alot older than 37. She was only 5'4 but her weight got down to 75 lbs.We just sat and watched her fade away.

Then in 1980 she met a man that treated her like a princess, the way she should have always been treated. They dated for a year before they decided to get married, and believe me we couldn't have been happier for her...

It was a Friday night in May of '81 when she called my father to tell him about the wedding, and he went balistic. First because he was Jewish and 2nd it wasn't him. By 1:00 that night I heard enough yelling and me and my brother went to bed, when we woke up she was in the same chair still on the phone, I couldn't take anymore of their fighting and told them both I hated them...her mother lived around the corner so after playing for a few hours, I went there to get dinner. There were cars all over the place and cop cars.My grandmother had a bad heart so I knew she was sick. When I walked in everyone had the saddest faces on. When I got to the living room my grandmother asked me and my brother to sit next to her. She told us that my mother went to see my father and he shot and killed her. (his theory if I cant have you no-one will) that is where my life ended.

I went to live with my father's mother and she was the kind of woman that would yell if I took too long to take a breath, she was always calling me names and putting me down for something . But my uncle was a bigger problem; he was a drug dealer who lived there also. When I was 14 he started putting cocaine in my food or my drinks, I didn't know what he was doing but then he started asking me if I wanted some and I would say yes, before I knew it I was addicted, but he would tell me if he gave me some I would have to do things to him and I refused.

He continued putting it in my food or drinks and when I was 15 he raped me. I moved out that day and went to my aunt's house. After a year my grandmother's health was getting bad and because I was the only girl it was my job to take care of her. I told my uncle that I was there for her and he better leave me alone and he did for a while but then the molesting started again, but he told me no one would believe me and also if I left again there would be no one to take care of my grandmother so I felt I had to stay. After all she took me in when my mother died, I felt I owed her. For the next 9 years I was so beaten down I figured I couldn't go any where else so I settled for that life . By the time I was 24 I had 4 abortions and when I got pregnant for the 5th time I decided to hide it and just give the baby away, after all how many babis would have to die because of my mistakes. Thats when I started cutting my arms with razors. Whenever I would get upset I would run for the bathroom and get a razor and cut until I bled enough to match the pain. My son was born in November of 95, but when I looked at him I couldn't give him away so I made up a name and passed him off as the father. Nicholas is autistic and who knows how he got that but I deal with it .

For some reason I always held on knowing that when my father got out of jail the abuse would stop, after all I was his baby. For 11 years he had promised me the life I always wanted and I believed him, until I found a picture of my 65 year old father and his 15 year old god daughter naked. And that was it. I shut myself out from everyone ....

I got webtv in 1997 and started talking with a guy named Ray, he lived in California. He was divorced and had 2 daughters, before I knew it we were talking almost every minute of the day, the phone bills were outrageous. So in April of 99' I decided that I would go to California for Easter vacation with my son. From the second I got off the plane and saw Ray sanding there I felt safe, and I knew this was the guy I wanted to care for and love . When the end of my 2 week vacation was up Ray decided I should stay for another week. When I called my father he told me to stay where I was and not to come home again. He felt I abandoned his mother.

Ray got me an aprtment and before I knew it I was pregnant, we made the decision to keep the baby and get married. I had a horrible pregnancy; when I was 5 months I started to bleed and thought that we were losing the baby and for the next 2 months I was in the hospital 7 times for bleeding. And in November of 99 on one of my stays the Doctor told me the baby was gone and I needed an emergency c-section or else I would bleed to death. Ray was by my side every second and I fell in love with him all over again. As they pulled the baby out me, believing she was dead, I was crying my eyes out. But she came out screaming her little head off, she surprised everyone. She was so tiny, she weighed 2 lbs 7 ozs and needed to go to another hospital about 30 miles away . But Marissa gained weight quick and never needed any help with breathing or stuff like that. But now that I have my own daughter I realize the mother daughter bond I lost with my mother. Every year around April and May I would get so depressed I would shut everyone off, and retreat to my own world, but this year seems to be the worst year yet. I know how lucky I am to have 2 beautiful children, it's a love I never knew possible. Ray is the love of my lfe he is such a good man. He listens to me and truly cares about my feelings... then why can't I accept the past? I'm not angry for my mother giving up. That was the only way to get away from my father. But the biggest step I took was finally realizing that nothing was my fault and I didn't deserve what happend to me at my grandmother s house. In March I spoke o my father and grandmother for the last time. I realized that as long as I had contact with them they had that control over me, and i just stopped calling them . And I haven't been this happy in years.

I don't know how my life will turn out but at least now I dont expect bad things. I learned to accept what has happened and be grateful I didn't lose the battle.