I have started this profile several times over the past few months, only to delete it. Maybe this time, I will follow through and have Sandy post it for me.

I have been suffering with depression for 20 years. I was diagnosed, 5 years ago and have been on medication for 4 years. 5 years ago, I traveled to Australia for the second time in my life, I plan on going back again. I love to travel; I love the unknown, the macabre and the amazing. I believe in the magic of fantasy and the innocence of children.

I have a very optimistic attitude; due mainly to the close and loving relationship I have with my mom. She has been my source of strength and when I grow up I want to be just like my mom. I think because of what she has endured and survived in her lifetime has allowed me to believe that I too…can be a survivor and not a victim.

I could tell you all that I have endured, but you can do without the details. I grew up ashamed of who I was and where I came from. As I got older, I realized that for me to survive, I would have to fight not only the outside world, but my inner self as well. I would have to be strong and proud of who I was. I would not be a victim all of my life.

This all came to me at the tender age of 15, riding home from school with my dad, who was drunk, and in his infinite wisdom decided I was old enough to know that all women were whores! You see, due to the fact that his first wife was promiscuous and left him with 4 kids, my mom…and every other woman in the world, faced his bruised ego. Even today, at 78…he has that chip on his shoulder. But at his revelation…I realized that he had issues, not me. His problems, were not going to be mine, his weaknesses, would be a guide for what I didn’t want to be. Sad, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I love him, he is a good dad. He was just a lousy husband and he also survived a very rough childhood with a mom that gave him up when he was 2 months old. He has struggled with alcoholism all of his life. But he has also been there for me, when I have needed him most. To hold me when I am down, to comfort me when I am sad, to scold me, when I need it…and he has always been proud of me.

The next big influence in my life…my Grandfather, in our language, my Ye-ah. He was so proud of me and he was quick to tell me. He loved me and was always a source of pride for me. His death, was the first death I experienced of someone I would truly miss. He was quite the character, he was a pool player, a hunter, a fisherman, a trapper and a great friend and man of the community. He was the first person to tell me, "walk with your head up, don't ever put your head down. When you meet someone on the street, look them in the eye. Don't ever think that anyone is better than you are." And though it took me a long time to take that advice, I eventually did and I still hear him say it, when I am feeling less than what I want to be.

I am a daughter, a sister, a lover, an auntie and a friend. I have loved and lost, died a thousand deaths, only to wake and find myself still living. I am Timdiluux (my native name), a little fish trying to find its way home. Fitting I think, for someone who has been so lost all of her life. I had a rough childhood, with much support around me. I am intelligent and had very good marks in school. I was not a wallflower or a loner. I have endured sexual assault, racism, violence, prejudice and ridicule. And through it all, I have always been surrounded by friends. It took me a long time to find love, and when I did, he too suffered from depression. He committed suicide in 1998. I tried to follow and realized that if anyone were to remember him, it would be me. For I saw him for who he was, loved him for what he wanted to be and adored him for the strength that he showed me every day he stayed alive. He was not on medication when he took his life. He did not say goodbye. Please visit my memorial page for him, if you should have the chance. http://artlady.home.mindspring.com/ar05107.html

Well, that is me, I have 2 other sites for you to visit…get to know me, my family, my friends.

http://www.oe-pages.com/FAMILY/Homepages4/auntieangel/ http://www.zing.com/member/?name=princess714&c=1

…And please sign the guestbooks. Love and hugs to you all.

MUH (Elmo kiss…*smile*)

Rhonda