~ Ruby ~

"I am 31 and have three lovely children, Gareth who is almost 12, Christopher who is 9 and Bethan who is 5. I live with my partner Danny who has two children, Philip aged 9 and Vicky aged 4 (they live with their mum). I divorced after a very dull and unfulfilling marriage four and a half years ago and until Danny came on the scene, I was essentially alone, apart from the odd unsuccessful relationship. I worked fulltime to keep the family together and had a busy and active social life. I sing in a rock band called Ruby's Promise as well as working as a clerk in a solicitors practice.

In January 1999, just as I had been promoted from legal secretary to Clerk, I had a life changing experience. I suffered a devastating car crash, head on at over 100 mph. I suffered ridiculously simple injuries, no broken bones but still suffer badly with a back and jaw injury. I took some time off work to recover from my injuries, but never quite got over the idea that somehow I had cheated death. I realised I was not "quite right" a few months later when I began to have delusional thinking. I thought that I had died and was a ghost for a few weeks, trying to hide that from my family was incredibly stressful. Then I thought my then boyfriend, the driver of the car, had died and I had a stranger in his body for company. One day I could no longer keep all these (and other) strange thoughts to myself and had a breakdown. Since then I have spent very little time at work and have had no less than six meds changes. Recently I have been diagnosed not only with PTSD, but also ocd. I am waiting to see a pdoc next week to have a more thorough diagnosis, but what it boils down to is simply this; I can't cope with my life.

Danny suffers severe depression and is struggling with the guilt of leaving his family. He has attacks of the terrors and also homicidal ideation (I understand this is not uncommon in manic depressives) he too is waiting for a pdoc to see him. We are both currently on sick pay. Pay being the funny word, as it doesn't even pay for food let alone bills. On days like today I see an end in sight. When we are both feeling better, Danny and I are marrying, and I feel confident that he is the man for me. I love him in a way I can't begin to describe. On the bad days, the days when I am low and have spent all night nursing Danny through his terrors I feel like jumping out of the window. Walking away and never returning. Emptying the drugs cabinet and having a cocktail. Fortunately I am not feeling like that today, but I dread the day that I can't fight it anymore, as I love my family and know that I would only be passing my pain to them. I hope this helps you to understand me more."


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