"My name is Sandy. I was born August 20, 1961 in Portsmouth, VA. My dad served 20 years in the navy. He got out in the summer of '64 when I was about three and my parents moved back to Western North Carolina, where they are both from. I am the third child out of four. I have a brother who is almost 6 years older than me, a sister who is 4 years older and a brother
who is 11 years younger.

My dad was/is an alcoholic and it seems to bring out the violence in him. On top of that his side of the family has some history of mental illness running through it. He had an uncle who went "insane" at 25 and spent the rest of his life in a mental institute.

My earliest memories in life, maybe because they are the most vivid, are of hearing something going on in the living room. My older brother was about 9, my sister 8 and I was 4. We ran into the living room to see what was happening and our dad had our mother on the floor in a corner beating her head up and down on the hardwood floor. We tried to jump on him and make hime stop but he just flung us off like we were nothing. We were powerless to do anything but scream. From that point on, that's how our life was until we finally got old enough and big enough to help. I used to be afraid to go anywhere and leave the two of them alone together, I was afraid he'd get drunk and kill her. Usually one of us was home with her anytime my dad was home. Finally she left him
when I was about 18.

I think I had depression as a child, because I remember feeling bad a lot and just wanting to sleep and I also remember my grandma, who I loved more than anything, telling my mom that she didn't think it was normal for a kid to want to sleep as much as I did or to feel so bad and
not be physically sick.

When I was 14 there was a period of time when I cried a lot. I didn't know why I was crying but I felt sad most of the time and i would isolate myself in my room, listen to sad songs and cry.

I've also had some sexual molestation as a child, though I wasn't raped. At 17, I came as close as you can without actually being raped. I managed to find a way to escape when I made the guy think I was about to throw up on him and he let me up. So I have some unresolved issues there as well, but they don't bother me like they once did."

When I was 18, my mom left and moved to a town about an hour away. She asked me to come too but i didn't want to leave all my friends and live somewhere where I knew no one. My dad decided to start cussing me all the time. This guy I was dating asked me to marry him. I didn't love him but I convinced myself that having my own home would be great and that I could make it work. We got married, he quit his job and sat home and smoked pot all day while I tried to work and pay bills. We were broke all the time. He would ask his mother, who had ten other children for money to help us get by and I felt terrible about that. But I couldn't make enough to pay it all. Finally, I got tired of the whole situation and left after 6 months. Not long after, I met my second husband. One thing that impressed me about him was that he took up for me, defended me against the first husband who had pretty much become a stalker at this point, threatening me and my family constantly.

I married my second husband at age 21. We had a happy marriage, I thought and almost 6 years later we had our son, Matthew. After I had Matthew I had postpartum depression pretty bad for about a year. I think that even though I wanted a baby, I wasn't prepared for the major life change, but I think I would have had the depression anyway, just because I am prone to it.

Finally I seemed to adjust, though from that time on I seemed to have more problems with depression. My pdoc said that if you have any tendencies toward mental illness, it comes out more in you as you approach and get into your thirties. I don't kwow how accurate that is
but it was true in my case.

In 1994, when I was 33, I thought things were going ok. I was having some problems with depression but thought I was coping ok and then the ex started having an affair and left. I won't go into all the details but the way he went about it was as cruel and mean as anything I've ever heard because he wouldn't tell me the truth and bounced back and forth between me and his girlfriend for months, before I ever found out that there WAS a girlfriend. Then I felt so used, that he had come home and slept with me after being with her.

We divorced and I started talking to a guy who had been my older brothers friend in high school. His wife had treated him the same way. We somehow convinced ourselves to be together and got married on the rebound. It didn't work and after a year and a half, we separated mutually and decided to remain friends.

About that time, I met Scott on a depression bb and we hit it off. We've known each other for abotu 2 1/2 years now. I think we're a lot better suited for each other and we get along great. We've been married almost a year now. We've still got some things to work out, like the custody case that my ex has filed to try to take my son away. Matthew is almost 12 and wants to live with me, so i think we'll be okay on that. Hopefully, once it's over, Matthew and I can move to SC to live with Scott full time instead of Scott having to commute on weekends. But for now, things are much better
than they have been in years.

I'm not on meds now, though maybe I should be. At times I feel like I can't cope and then other times I seem to be ok. A lot of things used to haunt me constantly, like the situation with my family. Up until I was about 32, I was extremely close to my mom. I spent a lot of time at her house, talking to her on the phone, asking her advice, trying to do things the way she said I should. I knew she was very controlling when I was growing up, such as not letting us date when we were plenty old enough to, not letting us go out with our friends without an adult chaperone, timing us when we left work to make sure we came STRAIGHT home, etc. But I didn't realize that she was still controlling me. When I did finally see that and start to pull away some, to be more independent, things became strained between us. I can't tell you how many times she's called and told me how hurt she is that I am not around as much, but it got to the point that she was telling what to say, how to act in every situation and wanting to know every detail of my life. At 32, I started to do what my brothers and sister had done when they were about 20…rebel.

I used to think about the way I grew up constantly, the unfairness of it. As a child I used to watch other families and envy them if they seemed normal, happy. I don't know what the difference is lately, but I seem to be able to put it out of my mind better. The thoughts come up and I push them away. All except for the court situation with the ex. That really bothers me and scares me a lot. I'm desperately afraid of losing my son. Other than that, the thing that bothers me the most is low self-esteem and the weight I've gained. That hurts a lot.

Still, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm looking forward to getting the court behind us and moving to SC with Scott. I'm going to start my own home based travel agency. I have a few other online business ventures I'm going to try as well to supplement my agency while I'm getting it going. I know I must be crazy with a lot of agencies struggling but I won't have a lot of overhead. Plus…maybe I'll get some great deals on some travel. There's a whole world out there and I'd sure love to
see more of it.

If you're still reading this…thanks ;) Visit my homepage for pictures, etc

***** UPDATE *****

August 2001. A lot has happened since I wrote this profile so I thought it was time to update. For one thing I finally found a doctor that helped me. He said my biggest problem was not depression and that the depression was really caused by ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. This is something I apparently have had for years, since I was a kid, but it was never diagnosed or treated. It's basically a learning disorder or similar. Once he started treating me for that, everything improved. Left untreated, it can lead to depression because you get overwhelmed easily and have trouble processing things. Since I started treatment for ADD, I've lost almost 60 pounds and felt better than I have in years.

I still have some depression, but most of it is brought about by circumstances in life that are beyond my control, like my ex-husband and his wife always trying to cause trouble for me.

I've moved to South Carolina so that Scott, Matthew and I can have a normal life. Trying to maintain two households in two states wasn't good for anyone. It wasn't a normal family life and it made it hard to make any plans or accomplish anything. So Matthew and I moved here. Right now we're living in a really nice apartment complex, until we figure out exactly where in this area we want to buy a house. Scott has a really good job. Matthew is doing good in school. He's so smart. He's taking 3 high school credits and he's in the 8th grade. And I have a good job as well, one that is flexible enough to allow me to put family first, such as taking Matthew to school and picking him up. He's having a great time here at the apartment, swimming in the pool, playing tennis on the courts here with Scott and making new buddies to hang out with.

I just turned 40 this month and feel like I'm on an adventure to find out who I really am and to try to make life from this point the best it can be...hopefully put the past behind me and enjoy the future.

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