"Can't recall much before 11 years old that would indicate a problem life. A little intolerance for socializing, but for the most part, outgoing, and happy. At that time (11 yrs old), I did notice a change and I started becoming introspective, depressed, and very quiet. I was afraid of the future. I was loosing my confidence about achieving the high goals that I had set for the future. It seemed that with every change I encountered such as; changing grades, moving to a new place, or even getting new friends, I tended to slide a little more in the direction I considered failure. I was not coping with anything and whatever was different upset the ability to cope.

By 15, I was experimenting with mind altering drugs/alcohol and was an alcoholic by 19. For anybody that has a problem with that, they can certainly relate to how unsure you'll become about anything. Life will start to become more like a bumper car ride only there seems to be no end and no hope normalcy once the ride is over.

Depression grew and by my twenties, I was thinking more about suicide and often accused of not caring "if I lived or died" by friends. Sleep was only achieved through by soaking the brain tissues for hours with alcohol. Was even hospitalized once with a blood alcohol level of .5 something. Dr said I should be dead. I told him I couldn't sleep and would he prescribe something. I should have been dead, much less conscious, and yet I could even talk.

Had some good job opprotunities but blew them off. Depression is really good about keeping our eyes closed to the possibilities. I did manage some education which was a godsend even if it was only an associates degree. Also, around the time of going to school, I started on antidepressants which at least allowed me to sleep and eat better.

It wasn't until I quit drinking in my early thirties that things really begin to turn around. And that too has been a slow process. Being sober in panick situations is really tough. Plus, my chosen field was drying up around the same time I chose to. There were four years where I didn't know what to do with my future except work on some investments I had made when times were good and just hope for a better future.

I met Sandy in 97 and was reemployed in my field shortly after. The panick attacks slowed to almost stopped after that. Knowing that your well loved and not going through life alone is a very calming effect. Even if we weren't living together at the moment since we were conducting a long distance relationship. But I was aware of how I could go about getting closer to where she lived in North Carolina. We got married last year in March and I was able to land a job in South Carolina which is only 200 miles away from her so I am able to commute on weekends."

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