My therapist feels that I have many issues to deal with. I think he's going to take the last one first approach. Presently I'm living with a man who has completely and totally destoyed the trust in our relationship through lying, drugs, and alchohol. We have mutually decided that he will move out at the end of April. My home isn't a war zone with him here, but the pressure of working at this relationship is too much for me to deal with. I have never felt so broken. I feel that I have fallen out of love. Two years of pain between us did this, and I can't take it any more. A person could add weight to the problem by factoring in my "partners" social life. There isn't a soul among them who thinks I am a decent human being. They all feel that I have just simply used Blair - my boyfriend. May I add that all of them drink excessively, and smoke pot daily. some of them have children ages 8 through 16. This totally disgusts me.

Prior to this relationship, I was married to a musician, we have one daughter. Our marriage lasted four and a half years. He is a kind man, but lacks any ambition in life. He was a pot smoker. His use of this drug contributed to a serious vehicle accident in 1990 which resulted in my van being totalled, and a woman being cut out of her trans-am with the jaws of life. He blamed the woman for years, and denyed that he ran a red light, even though there were four eye witnesses. He too lyed often. I found out after we were married that he had used a fair amount of cocane, mescaline, and spent his childhood on valium. He is self centered, lazy, and extremely arrogant; he being a very talented guitar player, singer, and all round musician caused him to pick apart every other musical act he saw. In 1998 I couldn't take anymore of the marriage. We were really sliding down hill financially, and as a couple.

In 1997 I was on the road with a band called "Cinnamon Twist". For a new band, we were really successful. There were two couples and a drummer. This venture turned out to be a living night-mare. I believe that because of this experience, I let a 20 year career in music end. They totally destroyed my desire to perform.

It was in 1997 that my younger brother died of pnemonia. I couldn't leave the band to be with my family till the day before the funeral because I was truly afraid that my job, therefore my income would be jeopardized. My family held the funeral off for a couple of days so I could get there.

In 1994 my biological father won the australian lottery. He paid for my faimily of five to fly to australia to visit him. We were scheduled to stay for 2 and a half months. For the first time in my life, I saw everything that my Mom said he was. Which in a nutshell was a horrible human being. We came home early and I haven't heard from him since. A fifteen year relationship ended, (I found him when I was 18).

I dated a guy in grade 12 called Brent. We got married two years later. He severely emotionaly abused me, and it turned into infrequent, but actual physical abuse. We have two boys. During the past ten years since our break-up he has: threatened me, sold my car behind my back and kept the money, stopped paying child suppor for two years, declared bankruptcy, stuck me with a business debt that he got out of because of his bankruptcy, promised me for five years to pay me back the 10,000.00 that he owes me, insulted me to our children, insulted me to anyone who will listen. Plus other stuff, but I'm sure that this is getting redundant.

In 1980 I found my biological father. He met my Mom in 1959 at a party in Regina Saskatchewan and they dated through the mail for a year then married. He is from England and he was in Canada because he joined the armed forces. My mom got pregnant with me, and tryed to kill herself when she was six months pregnant. John, my "father" was insanely jealous, he was very cruel to my mom. He beat me when I was three months old because I had my days and nights mixed up. I never believed any of this growing up. I thought my Mom was lying so that I would hate him. Instead I idolized him. He was my Knight in shining armor. I was a difficult child (so I hear) growing up. I can't remember being hugged even once in my childhood, and I was never told I was loved by my mom, and her new husband, Norman, who adopted me. I grew up feeling like and "extra". I never belonged. I have many problems because of the pain of childhood.

I found John in Australia. He was a great guy in the beginning. He said he never looked for me because he "always knew" I would come looking for him. For 15 years we had a pretty good reltionship. He was always a generous person, and was quite good with my then two very young boys. The same two boys he absolutely hated in 1995, they were 8 and 10 then. He loved Megan my daughter though, she was 1.

So basically that's me. I really don't have too many friends. The friends I do have are true friends, and I do believe that they really do care for me. I like to read canadian literature - Margarette Lawrence, Margarette Atwood, Gail Anderson Dargatz, I always wish that I could have gone to University right after high school, but it just wasn't possible, (another painful memory from my life). I pick men who use me as a door mat. I throw things when I am uncontrollably angry. Never when there are kids around though. I could be a better parent, but as a parent I give my kids space to be who they are, don't have needless rules that really have no bearing on their morality or safety. I have a 15 year old, a 13 year old, and a 5 year old. They are all passing in school and I don't have many problems with them. The older ones don't smoke, or drink alchohol. Megan, my daughter is one of the brightest, most likeable kids in her kindergarden class. Her Dad is really a good father to her. He reads to her and well, I don't know how good this is, but she pretty much has the run of their home when she's there. I hold down a full time job, own my home, and take pride in it. So my rational self tells me that I have done well considering all of my demons. But somehow I feel caught in a loop. Maybe lessons I can't learn. Either way, I've been on meds now for two months. I still have good days and bad days. I just had two bad weeks actually. All I have to hold on too is the possiblilty that I will find peace someday, and hopefully a significant other that doesn't hurt me. Maybe that's Blair, I don't know anymore. I don't know if I can forgive him. He's not a bad person, he just has no clue how to be a partner in a relationship.

Thanks for listening."