"It's a Sin" by the Pet Shop Boys (from
_Actually_)
"< (Twenty seconds and counting...T minus fifteen seconds, guidance is okay)
>."
The com-link sparked with static as Heero
dispassionately began the countdown. Standing on a ledge overlooking the OZ military
installation, Duo squinted, barely able to see the other pilot in the distance near where
Wing was hidden. ://Ready to deal with the survivors, eh Heero?// Focusing again on
the base, Duo took a deep, shaky breath, his thumb absently toying with the button of the
remote detonator. The mission had, for once, gone off without a hitch, and all of
the explosives were in place. It was time....
//Shit, // Duo thought bitterly. //The *one* time I was hoping we'd screw it up...just
this once.... It shouldn't be happening like this. I mean, we're the good
guys, right? Right...?//
< When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, its a, it's a sin >
* * *
(One week before)
"So, anything interesting to report?" Duo flopped on his bed, sprawling as
much as the narrow dorm bunk would allow. He rolled his eyes as Heero failed to
respond, continuing to type on his laptop without pause. "Do I interpret
that as ' ... ' yes or ' ... ' no? Or maybe it's ' ... ' I can't believe it's not
but--"
"We have a mission," Heero interrupted sharply.
"Whoo-hoo! The magic words I was hoping to
hear!" Duo grinned widely and sprang back to his feet, flicking his braid over
his shoulder. "God, I thought I was gonna go insane from boredom. Tell me
all the grisly details." Silence was his only answer as Heero stared mutely at
the computer screen, an odd expression on his face. //Weird.... If I didn't
know better, I'd swear he looks...uncertain.... I must be seeing things.//
"Heero?"
The Japanese pilot snapped back to attention. "The target is an OZ installation
250 kilometers west of here. We're to destroy it, completely. No
survivors."
Duo's eyebrows shot up. "No survivors? Man, that's harsher than
usual." //But that's not something that would normally make Heero flinch...what's the
deal, here...?// "Hey, lemme see, why don't ya?" He leaned over
Heero's shoulder, quickly scanning the mission briefing on the monitor.
"Cripes, this place is *huge*--there's gotta be nearly 700 people--...Jesus
Christ!" Outraged, he spun to face Heero. "...OZ has civilians
there!"
< It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin >
"Civilians, Heero!" Duo repeated, this
time louder as shock gave way to anger. "Goddamnit! That's no simple
installation--it's a full-fledged base! They've got their families and staff and all sorts
of other normal people there--and we're being told no survivors?" Duo's voice
grew shrill with disbelief and anger. "There's no way." He gestured
wildly as if to emphasize his point. "No *fucking* way! We can't accept
this mission."
" ...I already did."
Heero's flat answer stunned Duo into silence.
"Wha-a-at?" he hissed when he could finally speak again. "What
the hell were you thinking?"
< At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn't quite succeed >
"There are an unprecedented number of high-ranking OZ officers and administrators at
that base, as well as a large contingent of their best scientists, engineers, and
researchers." Heero looked down at the information on the screen, quoting from
the message, "We are to 'take advantage of this rare error in judgment and destroy
the base, thereby striking a major blow against OZ and potentially weakening them enough
to end the war'."
"...only by sacrificing a whole bunch of innocents in the process...!"
For a long moment, Heero was silent. "...Sometimes a few have to
be...sacrificed...to save many." Duo almost didn't hear Heero's whisper before
the Japanese pilot abruptly snapped the laptop shut and turned to face him.
"Think about it, Duo--how many *innocent* people will die, both on Earth and in the
Colonies, if this war drags on? How many of those lives can we *save* by taking an
action that could defeat OZ right now?"
Duo grimaced, head bowing and fists clenching as he fought against the pain knotting in
his stomach. This was *not* right--they shouldn't be making decisions with other
people's lives like this. //...the sacrifices of a few? I refuse to accept
that...*can't* accept that...!// Shaking his head in denial, Duo looked up into
strangely turbulent cobalt eyes, suddenly realizing that Heero wasn't just trying to
convince him that this was right. Heero was also trying to convince *himself*....
< For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin >
Taking a slow, deep breath, Heero briefly closed his eyes. When he reopened them,
all signs of inner turmoil were gone, the mask of the Perfect Soldier once again firmly in
place. "OZ may never present us with another
opportunity like this--we can't afford to waste it. And we can't allow civilians to
become hostages that prevent us from attacking, or OZ will simply establish a 'human
shield' at every strategic location." Heero stood, gazing steadily at Duo.
"If we refuse this mission, then we should just surrender now--we'll never be
able to do what it takes to defeat OZ."
"There has to be another way. There *has* to
be!"
"There is *no* other way. I've...analyzed the situation. Thoroughly.
There are too many targets to eliminate individually without a significant majority
escaping. We have no alternatives."
//Shit...!// Duo looked away, his braid lashing behind him, fists clenched so hard
his arms trembled. //...Damn it, we're only trying to do what's right.... We
shouldn't have to kill those we're trying to defend, just to succeed.... It's not
fair....//
Heero contemplated him, eyes narrowed. "If it's that much of an issue for you,
then don't go. I accepted this mission for myself, not for both of us. I'm
fully capable of completing it alone."
Duo stared back at Heero, unexpectedly reluctant. He *should* have been feeling
relief--this was what he wanted, wasn't it? He was being given the easy way out, the
ability to follow his conscience without fear of reprisal. After all, Heero was,
with extra effort, capable of completing the mission on his own.
...So why did it suddenly feel like Duo would be abandoning his fellow pilot?
< Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn't believe it
Father, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand >
//Because there's a part of you that agrees with what he said about the mission....//
Duo did an inward double-take. What the hell...? Where had that thought come
from?
//...you understand what he's trying to say...and you know that he's *right*. If you
let them use civilians as hostages once, it'll happen again...and again.... You'll
be rendered incapable of ever mounting another assault against OZ...and they'll have
won...,// his own voice jeered at him from inside his head.
//...no! No, that's not it at all....//
//Bullshit. You just don't want to admit it to
yourself, // his inner voice taunted. //Face it--this is war. War isn't neat and
tidy, it's messy and indiscriminate--it'll kill the bystanders and the defenseless just as
readily as it will the soldiers. All you can hope for is that if innocents die, it's
for a worthwhile reason--and that their deaths aren't in vain.//
//...but to consciously *choose* that a certain few should die, in order to save
others.... We have no right to do that!// Duo agonized.
//A doctor uses chemotherapy to destroy a cancer, even though the treatment will kill some
of a body's healthy cells...,// the voice countered. //...isn't it better to
eradicate the cancer at the cost of a few cells, than to risk the
*entire* body dying...?//
//Yes! But that's not the same as this...it's not....// Even to his own mind,
Duo's mental protests sounded weak and feeble, and he could sense himself capitulating,
resignation settling heavily within his heart. Who was he trying to fool? He
never lied, especially not to himself--this was *exactly* the same sort of situation.
< So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too >
Taking his long silence as an answer, Heero brushed by him to leave, startling Duo out of
his near-trance. "Wait...!" he surprised himself by calling out.
Heero paused at the door, turning around slightly. //...shit, what the hell am
I doing? I can't believe I'm even considering this....// "I...I'm going with
you. I'll do the mission."
Heero regarded him warily, as if unable to interpret his sudden change of heart.
"...Are you certain? If your feelings are telling you not to--"
"I *said* I'd do it," Duo cut Heero off. "I'll do whatever is
required. I mean, I...I understand your reasons, why this has to be done. And...I
agree with you."
Heero stared at him for a moment, before finally giving a curt nod and wordlessly leaving
the room. As the door quietly clicked closed, Duo let out a deep breath and
slouched, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "...Well, that's
it, then." He crossed the room to follow after Heero, muttering softly.
"Guess I'd better go get ready, too. Gonna have a shitload to do to prepare for
this...physically *and* mentally...." Duo sighed as he trudged out into the
hallway. Yeah, trying to psych himself up for this job was definitely going to suck.
< It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to -- it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin >
* * *
(Present)
"...four...three...two...one...." Heero's clipped monotone reciting the
final digits of the countdown jolted Duo from the fog of memory. //...damn...it's
time....// Bracing himself, Duo raised the hand holding the detonator above his
head, as if in a silent salute to those on the base below. "I'm sorry...,"
he muttered to no one in particular.
"< Zero! >" At Heero's signal, the two pilots simultaneously
depressed the buttons on their remote detonators. Explosion after explosion roared
to life with brilliant, blinding flashes of yellow and orange, staining the sky like a
twisted sunset. Rolling waves of heat from innumerable blasts washed over Duo, the
ground below his feet trembling and convulsing as if in pain. He choked as an acrid
wind burned his nose and lungs, squinting through tearing eyes to see the Oz installation
disappear under a blanket of smoke, dust, and debris.
And then...it was over.
Duo stared numbly at the destroyed base as echoes from the final explosions faded into an
unearthly hush. A long-forgotten prayer suddenly sprang unbidden to his lips, and he
whispered hollowly over the shared com-link, "< Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis
fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa,
mea maxima culpa > *." Taking one last look at the devastation below,
Duo somberly tossed the detonator over the ledge, turning to leave with a faintly murmured
"Amen".
* * *
*[trans.: I confess to almighty God, and to
you, my brothers, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word, act and
omission, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.]
* * *