Once upon a time there were three little pilots... pigs... um...pil-...
no, pi-... anyways, their names were Chibi Wu, Chibi Tro and Chibi He-chan.
Their mother had just kicked them out of the house when our story began. Having no
real alternative they determined that they must go out into the world and build
their own houses to live in.
The first to finish his new home was Chibi Wu. On his journey he
met a traveling salesman named Duo. Before Chibi Wu knew what had happened he had
bought a how-to kit on home building. The results were quite... unique. The second
to finish his home was Chibi Tro. He had decided that since he already knew how to
build a lean-to, how much harder could it be to build a house? When Chibi Tro
arrived at the woods it became apparent that building a house with no tools would be
extremely difficult. Suddenly, voila!, the salesman, wearing the same
god-awful tacky tasteless yellow and green checked suit with matching hat,
appeared and opened his magical trench coat to reveal an ax, a hammer, nails and a
cute little sign to hang outside the house. With these tools Chibi Tro was able to
quickly and efficiently build a, well it was still a lean-to but at least he could hang
that sign outside his perimeter of pikes(1). The two of them then skipped happily, or
trudged morosely, as the case may be, over to Chibi He-chan's house. They arrived at
the extremely intimidating and dangerous looking brick house with matching 12 foot high
fence just in time to see a long brown braid disappear around the far corner. After
entering the front gate they found Chibi He-chan standing in front of a large box.
There box was a good 3 feet taller than him and the label proclaimed it to from 'Maxwell
Security Co. Inc.'
Chibi's Wu and Tro fault-faced and had turned to leave when their
maniacal brother spoke up, voluntarily, and said, "You know there are wolves around
here. I'd suggest you get a good security system too." Chibi Wu snorted
scornfully and said, "Who's afraid of wolves? Only the weak and I'm not
one of them." Chibi Tro looked at himself and Chibi Wu and asked Chibi He-chan,
"Don't you think we're all a little too skinny to interest a hungry wolf?"
Chibi He-chan replied, " Hn... I don't think that the warning was about them
eating us. Haven't you read Little Red Riding Hood by Charles Perrault(2)?"
Chibi He-chan went back to his work, having used up his supply of words for the
day, and left two confused Chibi's behind.
"Do you know what he was talking about Wu?"
"No, Tro, do you?"
"Nope, let's go home and we'll
ask tomorrow when he has some more words available" So the two Chibi pi-...um.
So they went home, unaware that many eyes were following their progress.
The next morning Chibi Wu was awakened by loud banging on his door.
He peeked out of his window to see... a blond wolf in a tux, holding flowers,
on his doorstep. Chibi Wu decided the best course of action would be to faint while
manfully trying to hold off a nosebleed.(3) Quatre on the other hand was doing
his best not to die laughing at the hut. It was built along the lines of any
tropical hut you'd see in a movie but that was where
the resemblance ended. It was made of straw ,true, but that straw was pink. It
had flowers lining the side walk and on trellises around the hut but was pink, red and
white normal? And for Allah's sake, the sign on the door said, 'Home of
the Loooveee Ma-chine!' Finally Quatre got himself under control and gave a small
shrug, "I hope that the sign isn't false advertisement" he thought to himself
then banged on the door again while yelling,
"Little pig, Little pig, let me in." A voice replied, "No frickin'
way I'm that dumb." Quatre pouted cutely then turned towards the woods
and shouted, "Magnacs, front and center and blow down this hut!" So they
huffed and they puffed and they blew the hut down. There was a moment of silence and
then a screaming little form charged out of the wreckage with his katana, saw what he was
up against, his sword went all droopy like in the
cartoons and, being no fool, he took off like a shot in the other direction.
The last thing he heard was a disappointed, "Darn, that was the wrong
one." from the wolf.
Chibi Tro was awakened by the sound of his front door being slammed
shut and the ominous sound of shaking, rattling wood.
"Not so hard, Wu" he said having identified the intruder.
"Will you please," replied Chibi Wu, "stop pointing the
gun at me? We have bigger things to worry about! There's a wolf after
me, only I think he's after you, and he has all these people with him and he's
coming..."
Chibi Tro interrupted him. "Are you sure there's only one wolf,
'cause I see three of them in front yard." At this point his voice lost
its monotone, "And they're knocking over my fence!"
Chibi Wu shrieked, "Three! Why are there three of them?!? I
must go get Nataku so I can defend our honor and avenge the injustice done to my
house and yours." At that moment a gentle tapping at the door got their
attention.
"Um.. who's there?" asked Chibi Tro.
"Hi, my name's Quatre and was hoping I could borrow a cup of
sugar?"
"Sorry, I don't have any food in here," answered Chibi
Tro.
"Oh. Will you open the door regardless?"
Faint hope colored the voice outside.
"No, I don't think we will." Chibi Tro sounded
very sure of that.
"O goody!" exclaimed a different voice,
"He's in there too!"
"Shut up you two, 'Magnacs corps blow this house
down!"
So the Magnacs corps huffed and puffed and blew the lean-to house down,
but it was too late. The two Chibi's had already ran for it out the back door.
"Where should we go now?" the two wondered and it came to them in a flash,
"Heero! He's got a security system and Brick walls!" the two exclaimed in
unison.
Heero was awakened that morning by a frantic buzzing of the intercom
system. He checked the front cameras and it appeared that Chibi Wu and Tro
were at the front gate. "What's the password?" he demanded.
"He-chan if you don't let us in at this very moment I'm going to stick my katana up
your...." Chibi Wu was interrupted by the opening of the gate. A very naked
Chibi He-chan greeted the two at his front door. Chibi Wu stared at him then
exclaimed, "He-chan that's the biggest, longest, most impressive..."
Chibi Tro cut him off by saying, "No time for talking. Get us a
gun too. We've got three wolves after us and an army of people in funny hats."
Chibi He-chan's eyes lit up, "We get to blow things up?!"
"Maybe, but only if I get to use Nataku, He-chan."
"Damn, that sucks. That means I can't 'cause I sold Nataku
yesterday to get this security system."
"Injustice!!!" screamed Chibi Wu and he proceeded to try to
kill Chibi He-chan.
So Chibi Tro was the only one to see the three wolves appear with
the tiny army. Try as they might the wolves couldn't breach Chibi He-chan's security
and they weren't really sure they wanted to considering the screaming and other sounds of
mass destruction emanating from behind the gate.
They were still standing there an hour later when a figure wearing a
metallic russet-red mesh muscle shirt, leather pants that looked as though they had been
air-brushed on and black combat boots. It also had a long brown braid and a
predatory grin on its face. "Treize!, Zechs!, what are the two co-presidents of
the local chapter of 'Happy Hentai House' (tm)(4) yaoi division doing here?
Didn't your little trick with the book work? " Duo exclaimed all in one breath.
"It would have," Zechs pouted, "If Quatre here hadn't interfered." Treize finished.
"Oh, stuff it," sighed Quatre, "It was too small for the three of you anyways. Duo you're looking very foxy today."
"Thanks, but what are the three of you all doing here standing outside of MY He-chan's house?"
The three wolves sensed the thinly veiled threat in Duo's voice and slowly backed away to give their explanation.
"Well," Quatre began, "there's this really cute pig..."
"Not Chibi He-chan!" interrupted Zechs.
"... and I wanted to get to know him better but I got the wrong house the first time and then he ran away to here." finished Quatre.
"But none of you are after Chibi He-chan?"
"Right!" all three chorused.(5)
"Then there's no
problem! I have the key right here. Let us enter." Duo waved the
key around with a flourish.
While all this was happening Chibi Trowa's thoughts went
something like this: 'Oh no, not another one', 'Mmmm... red.', 'What trick with what
book?', 'His He-chan?!', 'How'd he get a key?' and 'O'shit, gotta warn the others.'
By the time Chibi Tro got Chibi Wu and Chibi He-chans' attention it was too
late. They were already surrounded by three wolves, one fox, and forty-one guys
outside the house with orders to keep the chibi's there or else. Before they could
really react to this developement, Duo grinned, said, "You want to know something
interesting about chibi's?" and tackled Chibi He-chan, knocking him onto the ground,
and gave him a long, slow, very hot, wet kiss. (With tongue) The second the pairs'
lips connected Chibi He-chan popped out of chibi mode and was the same size as Duo.
However, for some reason he didn't seem inclined to use this size advantage to try
to kill Duo. Maybe it had something to do with where Duo's hands were. After
they had groped each other for a couple of minutes they turned back to the rest of the
group to see what would happen next.
Quatre asked Chibi Tro, "You know that it's useless to try to escape right?" Chibi Tro nodded.
Quatre advanced upon the chibi but before Quatre got there Chibi Tro cried, "Wait! I've got a few questions first and I think I'll be too busy afterwards to ask."
"What kind of questions?" Quatre wanted to know.
"First off, what was the trick that Treize and Zechs used on Wu?"
"T and Z over there paid me $50 to sell Chibi Wu a slightly altered book on how to build a house. The altered version was 'How to Build a Lovely Shack", the real title is 'How to Build a Love Shack.' Wu-man you should probably use your reading glasses whenever you buy books." Duo had wiggled around in Heero's lap to talk to the rest of the group and now returned to how he had been previously engaged.
"Okay, how did Duo get a key to He-chan's house AND the security code?" was Chibi Tro's next question.
"Ohh, me! me! me! me! I know this one!" Zechs bounced with excitement while everyone else wondered what he was on. "It's 'cause Duo's a scam artist and he has his own personal passcode on and key for every system he sells - though usually he uses it to rob people, not seduce them."
"That makes sense," Chibi Tro replied, glancing over at Heero to see his reaction but the view was blocked by alot of hair and the bouncing didn't make it any easier to focus, "this last question's for Quatre alone. Are you going to make an honest man of me?"
"Yes," Quatre
squeaked, surprised both by the question and by the sudden images of sharp flying knives
that seemed to appear to him for no reason.
With that answer Chibi Tro took a flying leap, latched onto
Quatre's shoulders and kissed the hell out of him. When the kiss ended all Quatre
could say was, "Wedding. Now. Good." He grabbed Trowa's hand
and took off at a dead run towards the nearest chapel. Sometime during Quatre and
Trowas' little preformance Duo and Heero had disappeared.
Treize looked around and observed, "It's just the three of us now, Zechs." Chibi Wu did NOT look happy at this developement.
Zechs sighed and said, "I think it might be easier if we took him home, then de-chibified him."
"I quite agree Zechs but who is going to carry him home? He doesn't look happy and I'm willing to bet he's a biter."
"Are you sure he's worth the effort, Treize."
"Of course I am. Look at him, he's an adorable chibi and so full of fire."
"Right. Fire.
I'm sure that's what you say about everybody who attempts to poke you with a
sword." drawled Zechs in amusement as Chibi Wu tried valiantly to run Treize through
with his katana.
Chibi Wu screamed in vain as he was drug off to the den of sin that Zechs and Treize
called home. It was later reported that the three of them, with Wufei full-sized,
were co-winners of the prized 'Hentai of the Year Award', narrowly beating out Duo and
Heero. Something about a threesome doing it on every throne in the land being more
impressive than seducing every prince in the land, but I personally think that they won
was because the
judges were: Noin, Une, Sally Po, Dorothy, Relena, Hilde and Catherine.
Voting results:
1 and 2 - 3 votes
3 and 4 - 0 votes (getting married put out them out
of the contest)
5 and 6 and 13 - 4 votes
And they lived happily ever after.
The End
(1) That's right it can't be called a fence unless it has more that just sticks poking out
of the ground.
(2) The wolf in this version is used as an analogy for gentlemen in the 16th century who would seduce innocent little girls. It also points out you can't tell a wolf by his colors.
(3) Quatre in a tux must be an impressive sight.
(4) I think someone else came up with this so the credit goes to them.
(5) The lesson here is never piss off someone who is
holding a switchblade scythe and is slightly crazed to begin with. *wink* : )
* * *