GOODNIGHT, SWEET ANGEL

by KIREI TENSHI

I no longer care.

That man could come for me a million times today and I wouldn’t feel it not even once. My body’s numb. Everything’s numb. I can’t register the pain anymore, every slap, every push, every scrape, every rip… numb.

I no longer care.

There are people talking to me, but I can’t understand them. Their voices are familiar, their words kind. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I don’t even have the strength to shrug it off. It’s gotten so I can’t distinguish the gentle touches from his touch. But that’s ok, because I no longer care…

Maybe tonight, or today I can’t tell the difference from inside this dark cell, will be the last time. Maybe he’ll finally push too hard, and I’ll die.

Death… I’ve never longed for it so strongly in all my life. Even when I was living on the streets I held onto some pride. Pride… a word I don’t comprehend anymore.

I don’t even remember how I got here, how we got here. How many of us are in this cell? Three. Yes, that’s it, three. I can see that much through my blurry eyes. I know them. No, I knew them. I don’t… know anything… anymore.

One of them is holding me now. The scent that engulfs me is something I recognize. Finally, something I can remember. Somewhere underneath all the blood on my face, I can see something blue. Blue eyes. Cobalt blue eyes faintly hidden behind dark hair. I can see his mouth moving… why can’t I hear it? Have I gone deaf?

No, I can hear my own breathing. Maybe If I close my eyes and try a little harder. Maybe if I concentrate.

"It’s going to be all right, Duo."

My name… he knows my name. He didn’t call me "pretty boy", "bitch", or "slut". My actual name! I had forgotten what it sounded like. I had forgotten what he sounded like. Why can’t I remember his name? Why?

I don’t want to think… I can’t think. It’s the one thing I can feel, and it hurts. I don’t want to feel the pain anymore. Please, let my mind go numb, too. Please… numb…

I open my eyes and his mouth is moving again. What’s he doing? I want to know, I want to hear! Let me hear!

"Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes,"

He… he’s singing. He’s singing to me. Kind words, sweet words. Not like that man. Not like the man that hits me and… forces me… and… hurts… me.

"And save these questions for another day.

I think I know what you’ve been asking me.

I think you know what I’ve been trying to say."

It hurts. I can feel it now. The numbness is fading away. My body burns. I don’t want it… I don’t want this burning! Bring back the numb! I don’t want to feel! What are you doing to me?

"I promise that I would never leave you.

And you should always know,"

Faces… people… memories. I can see them now. They flash before my eyes. I don’t want this! Make it go away, they bring pain! No more pain!!!

"Where ever you may go, no matter where you are,

I’ll never be far away."

Take them back! Please! Who are these people? What are these feelings inside me? A face… I know that face. He’s smiling at me. He has blue eyes… eyes like the one singing to me. He’s important… how? No, I don’t want to know! I don’t want to remember! Don’t make me remember!

"Good night, my angel, now it’s time to sleep,

And still so many things I want to say.

Remember all the songs you sang for me."

Remember? No! I don’t want to… I don’t… do I? No, I no longer care… that’s right, don’t care.

"When we went sailing on an emerald bay,

And like a boat out on the ocean,

I’m rocking you to sleep."

So gentle… soothing. And yet so familiar. Names. I can put the name with the faces. Wufei, Trowa, Quatre… I know them. I can see them again. But… but one’s missing… who?

"The water is dark and deep inside this ancient hut.

You’ll always be a part of me."

A part… of someone. Someone kind. Someone that doesn’t… hurt… me.

"Good night, my angel, now it’s time to dream.

And dream how wonderful your life will be"

He… Heero?

"Someday your child may cry and if you sing this lullaby,

Then in your heart there will always be a part of me."

Heero! Please, please God! Let me talk to him!! I want to remember! I want to feel! Please, let me feel Heero again!

"Someday we’ll all be gone but the lullabies go on and on,

They never die."

 

Let me speak! God, let this be real! "Heero?" Thank you God… thank you, he’s smiling at me. At me.

 

"That’s how you and I will be."

I remember… I finally remember. And you know what? The pain feels good. This pain is sweet.

"Yes, Duo?"

"Thank you…"

I like feeling this pain. I like it because… this pain is…

Love.

And finally…

I care.

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