-WARNING- shonen ai, some
sap, and maybe a lot of angst to some of you
Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
The piercing wind howled and moaned in his ears. It seemed to be whispering quiet murmurs
that almost resembled words. He shivered and pulled his heavy winter coat closer to his
body.
No, not a body. A husk. There was nothing left but a mere shell of his former self, full
of empty promises and desolate memories.
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The bitter chill of frost bit at his nose. How long had he been standing by this mound of
dirt in the cold? Minutes? Hours? It felt like an eternity. It always felt like an
eternity when he wasn't with him…
He wouldn't cry, not now, not ever. He swore to himself that he wouldn't cry. But then, he
also swore that he would never leave…
/ "Promise?"
"I swear." /
He bit his lip to stifle a whimper. He had to be strong now. There wasn't anyone left to
be strong for him. He'd always encouraged strength. Weaknesses were things that were dealt
with in private. But they were not to be neglected, no. He never once neglected his
feelings. Never.
/ "Is everything all right?"
"Yes."
"You're lying."
"I know." /
The wind began to pick up speed, flicking the coat's collar rapidly against his face. A
tiny snowflake fell onto his already freezing nose. He sniffled, convincing himself it was
only due to the weather on the outside, not the feelings on the inside.
The snow began to fall harder, unfolding a pure white blanket of cold upon his head, upon
the ground, upon the mound. He wished the snow would never stop falling. He wanted it to
snow for the rest of his life. To see nothing but the pureness, the white. It would erase
all the longings, the evidence of pain.
No, sadly, it wouldn't erase anything, just merely cover it up. Hide it. He didn't want to
hide from anything anymore. Not himself, not these feelings, not even this cemetery. This
lonely, discarded cemetery. It was devoid of all life. He had only the dead for company.
He was alone… again. All by himself in a world of millions. No light, no life, no
friends, no love… only himself to rely on now.
The night is my companion
And the solitude my guide
As lonely as this place was, he never wanted to leave. He didn't want to have to roam from
his side. Just because he had broken his promise of staying with him forever, didn't mean
that he had to as well. There was nothing left for him on the outside of these metal
gates. Everything he ever wanted, everything he still wanted, was waiting here for him
under a blanket of dry snow.
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied
He ran his delicate fingers over the engraved writing. "Rest in Peace." There
would be no peace for him. There would be no rest. He was doomed to roam this Earth by
himself now. The one person he felt he could trust, could always give his trembling hand
to, was gone. Forever locked and sealed in a merciless slumber. No, he would never trust
again. He would never open his hand to another, much less his heart. From this day
forward, love would be a word unknown to his vocabulary. If this was the price of loving-
this anguish, grief, and betrayal- then he wished to have nothing more to do with such a
feeling.
Through this world I've stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
"You swore to me… you swore it." He dropped to his knees.
"If I couldn't trust you, who can I trust?" He wouldn't get an answer. He didn't
expect an answer.
A small tear started to run down his cheek. No! He couldn't cry, not now! It wasn't worth
his tears. It wasn't worth the pain. It was just another person that had been taken from
his life. Just another name to add to the list. No different from any of the rest. Then
why did this one hurt so much more?
/ "Stay with me always."
"I could never leave."
"Why?"
"Once you're in someone's heart, you stay that way forever. No matter where your body
is."
"I don't understand." /
Oh you speak to me in riddles
You speak to me in rhymes
"Is this what you meant? This horrible feeling I have inside is because I can never
let go? Even in death, you're still with me." His head fell to his chest.
"You swore to me, and you kept that vow. You are still here. But it's not the same.
It will never be the same!"
He pounded his fists on the mound of dirt and his body collapsed in a fit of tears. He
cried uncontrollably, his chest heaving and jumping with each breath.
"Don't leave me like this! You can't! I need you! I can't go on without you!"
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive
He threw his body on the gravestone, wrapping his arms around it tightly. His fingers
gripped the corners so harshly the sharp stone cut jagged little scratches into the skin.
He couldn't see the blood nor feel the stinging pain. Only the pain in his heart. He
sobbed.
"Please don't leave me… I need you… I love you… Trowa…"
Quatre wiped the rest of the snow from the base, revealing a freshly carved name and date.
"Trowa Barton, A.C. 197, soldier in arms"
Quatre knew he could cry until the morning came, and he would still be alone. There wasn't
anything in this lifetime or the next that could bring back his emerald-eyed savior, his
angel.
Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Angel, yes, his angel. Angels weren't supposed to die. They weren't supposed to hurt the
ones they looked after. But now that was the only thing Trowa had left him with, the hurt
and finality of his death.
Quatre cried out in vain. All the sacrifice and effort had been futile. The one thing he
ever really wanted in this lifetime was cruelly taken from him. Taken without mercy and
without love. He hadn't even had a chance to say any goodbyes.
"Trowa, I love you! God don't do this to me!!!"
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Quatre awoke in a pool of his own sweat and tears. Someone was shaking him violently and
screaming his name.
"Quatre! Quatre, wake up! Wake up!"
Quatre calmed his convulsing body and adjusted his eyes to the darkness around him. His
eyes strained to decipher the face looking down on him, but it was difficult to see
through his burning sweat and tear tinged eyes.
"Tr… Trowa?"
Strong comforting arms wrapped tenderly around his body, lifting him against a warm bare
chest.
"Yes. I'm here."
Quatre flung his arms around the Heavyarms pilot in an attempt to forge the vision of the
horrible dream down into the depths of his memory. Tiny tears were still gripping the rims
of his eyelids.
"Oh, Trowa! It was awful! It hurt so much! It hurt!"
The two arms around him squeezed soothingly.
"It's all right. It was all just a nightmare. I'm here. I'll always be here."
Quatre's mind relapsed to the horrid yet realistic dream. One tear struggled to break
through, but he resisted, he had to be strong in front of Trowa. He didn't want to hear
Trowa say something like that. 'I'll always be here.' He knew it wasn't true. He knew
nothing could last forever.
"No, no you won't! You won't, Trowa!"
Trowa took the shaking boy into his lap and ran his fingers through his beautiful blonde
hair. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't lie to Quatre. He could never lie to him.
"You'll always have my heart. As long as you never let go of that, I will always be
with you. Nothing can ever change that, not even God."
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied
Quatre sniffed.
"Thank you, Trowa."
It took all the courage Trowa could muster to soothe the boy. He never dealt well with
situations like this. It was hard to support someone when you were very passive yourself.
Taking a deep breath, Trowa kissed his forehead lightly.
"Trowa, I love you. I always will, even in death."
Trowa carefully laid the other boy back down to the bed and pulled the covers up snuggly
around his body. He leaned down to give Quatre a butterfly kiss of some reassurance, small
yet pleasant, but the Sandrock pilot wrapped his arms around Trowa and pulled him in
tightly. Not releasing Trowa until Quatre had given him the soul searching kiss he
desired.
"And I you. Now go back to sleep."
Quatre grabbed Trowa's hand tightly.
"Hold me?"
Trowa nodded and laid down beside the Sandrock pilot, caressing his body with a gentle
hand.
"As you wish."
Quatre smiled warmly and closed his eyes. This was how it was supposed to be. Gripping a
warm body and not a cold stone. Trowa placed one last kiss on his cheek before closing his
eyes as well.
Two hearts entwined forever. Two souls floating in a sea of never-ending love. Yes, this
is exactly how it was meant to be.
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear...
* * *