-----------------------------------------------------------------------
People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duo noisily tossed the rumpled covers off his legs and to the hardwood floor. His gruff
voice expressed his physical and mental pain as he flung his sleeping form onto his back.
Light reflected off the gold cross that hung from his neck and dangled on his bare chest.
The beams of light that the moon shot were causing each tiny droplet of sweat to glisten
and shine like tiny lights.
Heero's eyes methodically traced one solitary speck of liquid as it traveled down Duo's
chin, gaining momentum down his neck, until finally slowing at the base. The bead clung
greedily to Duo's finely chiseled chest, and for a brief flicker, Heero was jealous of the
drop of sweat.
Heero found that sleep was escaping him completely this night, and when he heard his
partner's pleas erupt unbidden in his rugged sleep, he realized that slumber was going to
be a futile battle indeed. And now, as his eyes sat transfixed on Duo's chest, Heero was
glad he hadn't returned to bed for a second chance with the Sand Man.
Duo moaned violently.
Heero knew he was having a dream, no, a nightmare. He could tell by the pained expressions
and sounds that were coming from Duo's mouth. He wanted to hold the boy, soothe him, but
that ever present voice of a soldier told him such thoughts were deadly and foolish. It
was screaming "Correct them! Correct them! These thoughts are mistakes!" But
Heero found himself still hypnotized by Duo's obvious cries of anguish.
Duo shifted in pain.
A frown of complex worry crossed Heero's face. The poor boy acted as though the flames of
Hell themselves were licking at his body. Heero thought that at any moment now the boy
would awaken in sobs of remorse… but instead, Duo's body just tossed and turned more
and more. What could he possibly be dreaming about that was so painful, yet so pleasing,
he couldn't wake himself?
-dream sequence-
/church bells/
That sound… that familiar, beautiful sound. He knew it so very well. The melody of
morning sermon bells flowed through Duo's ears. It was so soothing, so pleasant, that he
thought he could stay here forever. But then again, where was "here"?
Duo realized that his eyes were shut, and that he was lying down. But this didn't feel
like his bed, not at all. Cold, unyielding wood was under his fingertips. Ever so weary,
he fumbled to open his eyes. Duo found himself staring down at a bench of some kind. Upon
further inspection, he realized it was a pew, a church pew.
'That would explain the bells…' he thought logically. But what was he doing sleeping
in a church? And where was everyone else? Wasn't this a sanctuary? Where were the nuns,
the priests; no church as beautiful as these should leave a room empty on morning mass. As
he looked about him, he did in fact realize that it was a very beautiful church. The
floors were covered in brilliant crimson velvet and the ceiling had intricate murals of
peaceful angels and wondrous clouds of the Heavens.
Slowly Duo made his way to the front of the pews, finding himself kneeling in front of the
porcelain statue of Christ on a wooden cross. How long had it been since he had been in a
church? How long had it been since Duo had been to confessions? And Lord knows he had
plenty of them to confess. One of the work hazards of being a Gundam pilot, one of the
hazards of living for that matter. Everyone sins, he knew this, but Duo's sins seemed so
much more… grand… than the common people. How long had his hands been stained
with blood? How much longer would they be stained with blood? And most important, would
this blood ever be cleansed? Duo's chin dropped to his chest and he shut his eyes.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Duo realized the church bells had stopped ringing. Now the clear sounds of a choir singing
could be heard echoing from the walls. Swaying voices of beauty seemed to be projecting
from no where in particular, but at the same time, covering every inch of the hollow and
massive room. Duo resumed his repents.
"I have killed without mercy. I have wronged without right. My hands are crimson and
my sins are bountiful. I hurt the innocent and I damage the honest. I am a black plague of
shadows casting through the world of light. I don't deserve redemption, Father. I don't
deserve a cleansing."
"Let's leave that up to him to decide."
Duo's head shot upwards in the direction of the interrupting voice. A saintly priest of
blonde hair and tender green eyes was staring down at him. How long had he been standing
there?
"The Lord will always love you regardless of what you think you "deserve",
my son. It is his way, it will always be his way."
Duo's head swayed down again and his eyes clasped shut.
"Is it true that he sees all, hears all… in my life, Father?" Duo's
question slipped off his tongue.
"It is, my son."
"Then surely he sees that after all I've done, I don't deserve his warmth and
understanding. Why should he waste his time on a lost cause?"
"No cause is lost and unjustified in his eyes. You are just as important to him, as
stopping the war is to you."
"You remind me of a man I knew when I was young. A priest, much like yourself. I've
never understood how you religious types can have so much faith in me."
The Father let out a warm heart felt chuckle.
"I suppose that is also our way."
"Do you think I'll ever be forgiven?"
The priest gently sat his hand on Duo's shoulder in condolence. Duo looked up into those
warmly lit clouds of emerald eyes and smiled deeply. The Father returned that smile to
him.
"You already are, my child."
These words, so few, yet so comforting, aided Duo in his inner battle. He felt a heavy
load lifted off his heart. And then, just as suddenly as he had felt the priest's hand on
his shoulder, it vanished, and he felt a chill of cold surround his body. Duo raised his
head expecting to see the man, but saw nothing.
"Father?"
His voice resonated off the empty room. The singing had stopped and the room possessed a
wicked cold. Duo's body reflexively shivered and he hugged his arms tight. He stood to his
feet, eyes searching his surroundings.
"Father…?"
His voice sounded so tiny, almost frightened. He realized that the sermon room had become
very dark, very ominous. The cold increased and the room grew to an evil dark charm.
"Foolish, foolish, boy."
"Who's there?"
Duo swung his body in the direction he thought the voice had came from. Only, he wasn't
sure where it came from. It had seemed to have came from everywhere, but no where. And
upon completing his visionary search of the room, he found he was still in fact alone.
"You were never innocent, you were never loved."
Another voice, someone different, a woman this time. Duo looked around, he was still the
only person occupying the room. The chill increased, it seemed to be grabbing at his
insides.
"Where are you?"
"They're lying to you, they all lie to you."
Another voice, it seemed to be a child. Duo felt the anger and adrenaline surging up
through him. He had to admit, there was a tinge of fear squeezing through as well.
"Show yourselves, you bastards!" Duo's fists involuntarily bawled.
"Such harsh words in a place of God? You should be ashamed."
"But then, you never feel sorry for what you do, do you? You never once think about
the people you kill, the lives you destroy."
Duo's blood was boiling. He'd had enough.
"Stop it! Just shut up! It's not true, not true!"
"Ah, but it is, you know it is. This God doesn't love you. He'll never forgive you
for what you've done."
Duo reached inside of his shirt and pulled out the golden cross necklace that Father
Maxwell had given him all those years ago. It hung loosely from his neck and he clutched
it to his chest tightly.
"You're wrong!!! Where are you? Who are you?"
"We're inside you, Duo."
"We're everywhere."
"We are the people you have killed. The bodies you have mutilated."
Duo's eyes went wide with shock. This couldn't be happening. This had to be a dream. A
damned awful dream. Why couldn't he wake up? Why wasn't Heero waking him up?
The voices spoke as though they were reading his mind.
"He can't help you now, Duo."
"He doesn't want to help you."
Duo clutched the cross tighter.
"No! You're wrong! He cares! I'm his friend! He does care!"
"How long will it be, Duo?"
"Before you destroy him, too?"
"How long?"
"You are the God of Death."
"You kill everything you touch."
Duo could feel unshed tears straining into his eyes. He would not cry, he could not cry.
He had vowed not to ever cry again the day he found Father Maxwell and Sister Helen dead.
He promised himself he would never do it again. And dream or no dream, he wasn't going to
break that promise. He held them back.
"Shut up! Leave me alone! Just leave me the fuck alone! You don't know me, none of
you know me!"
"We know you."
"We are you."
"You will destroy him, Duo. His soul will join ours. You will wet out his flame as
you did countless others."
Duo dropped to his knees and covered his ears. He couldn't stand this, he didn't want to
hear anymore. No more.
"It's not true!!! Tell me it's not true!"
Duo vaulted to his feet and looked to where the statue of Christ had been earlier. Only
now, the sight there made him sick to his stomach, made him want to vomit his insides. He
fell back to his knees, eyes never leaving that merciless sight.
"No… no… it's not true… tell me it's not true…"
The voices were getting louder now, and Duo couldn't make out what they were saying, much
less want to. All he cared about was the prone figure nailed to the cross above him. There
were nails plunged into his palms and blood rushing over his fingers, dripping in puddles
to the floor. Lash marks from a whip were plastered against the figure's chest and
stomach, blood slowly seeping through the strikes. A head of brown hair was hanging lowly,
and sounds of whimpering pain were emitting from the depths of his throat. Duo blinked as
the form grudgingly raised its head, and Duo's eyes met cobalt blue. Blue pools of pain
and betrayal. A face that was begging for relief. Duo couldn't breathe.
"H… Heero? God no… Heero! HEEROOOO!"
-end dream sequence-
Heero was shaking the screaming boy violently. As soon as Heero heard the boy yelling his
name in his sleep, he found it was time to wake him forcefully. But Duo wasn't coming
around so easily.
"Duo! Duo, wake up! Wake up!"
Duo's head was lolling back and forth. He was wailing and swinging his limbs in protest.
Heero couldn't understand why the boy wouldn't wake up. Duo seemed to be in so much pain,
why wouldn't he just release? Why wouldn't he come back to reality?
"Duo, please, it's Heero. Please, wake up!"
Slowly, the convulsions ceased and Duo's confused amethyst eyes met Heero's worried blue
ones.
"H…… H… Heero?"
"Yes, Heero. You're safe now, Duo. It was all just a bad dream. An awful
nightmare."
Heero's hands were still gripping Duo's shoulders abrasively. Duo shook his head, as if
rattling something out of his mind.
"You're… you're alive, Heero." It was more of a statement that a question.
He seemed to be saying it to himself rather than Heero.
Heero raised an eyebrow. Of course he was alive, why wouldn't he be? Obviously this dream
had done more than shaken up him.
"Yes, I'm fine, Duo."
Duo's eyes went wide and he gripped one of Heero's wrists, pulling it off of his shoulder
and turning it over. Duo glared at the palm. No nails, no holes, no dripping blood.
"Duo… what's wrong?"
Duo ignored Heero's question and released the wrist, moving both hands to Heero's chest
and stomach. Nimble fingers searched and felt all over Heero's bare skin, searching for
something unknown to Heero. As worried as Heero was, he had to admit, he was enjoying
Duo's hands running up and down his skin, turning his flesh into a burning tingling
sensation. When Duo's hands left as abruptly as they had ventured forth, Heero realized
that he must either found, or found a lack of, whatever it was Duo was looking for.
Duo let out a sigh of relief and flopped back down to the bed. He looked up into Heero's
questioning eyes and spoke as if answering Heero's unasked wonder.
"It's nothin', Heero. Like you said, s'just a nightmare." His mouth was dry and
stumbling over words.
Duo closed his eyes and brought his hand up to grip his cross. Somehow it felt comforting
in his sweaty hands. Without opening his eyes, he spoke.
"Heero, are you my friend?"
Heero was taken aback by the question. Where did this come from? He didn't know how to
answer that question. He wasn't even sure if he knew what a "friend" was. Sure,
he knew the literal meaning, but had he ever really had a friend? Looking down at the boy
lying beside him, he realized he was taking too long to answer and might risk upsetting
Duo further. So, he decided to give the honest answer.
"Duo, I'm not sure if I know what friendship is."
Duo's face frowned. He knew what Heero was saying, he didn't mean the dictionary
definition; he meant the life relating definition. Duo took a deep breath and decided now
was as good as time as any for Heero to learn.
"A friend is someone that's always there for you. He'll listen to whatever you have
to say, no matter how trivial. He tries to cheer you up when you're sad, shares your pain
when you are struggling, and laughs with you when you are happy. A friend cares. A friend
will always care when no one else will."
Heero let the words sink into his brain. Was he Duo's friend? Was that what that strange
new feeling he felt coming over him whenever Duo was around is? Could he possibly be
involved in a real friendship? Heero knew he cared for Duo, beyond the borders of a fellow
pilot. He would take more time later to sort through the other things Duo mentioned.
"Then I am your friend, Duo."
Duo's hands gripped the cross tighter, almost causing his hand to feebly shake.
"They said you didn't care. Heero, tell me it's not true. Tell me they we're
lying."
"They", who were "they"? Heero found it better to ask later and
answered Duo confidently and without hesitation.
"I care, Duo."
Duo smiled. Those words felt so reassuring to him. Duo noted absently that he had been
holding his breath, and his heart was beating rapidly. He let out a deep breath and his
grip on the cross loosened a little.
Heero looked down to that hand gripping the symbol of Christ, and then to Duo's face.
Whatever Heero had said, obviously it had caused the Deathscythe pilot to relax a little
more. Before he could register what he was doing, Heero places his hands on top of Duo's
and pried the finger of the pendant.
Duo's eyes widened in shock. What was Heero doing?
"Heero?"
Heero didn't answer, but instead threaded and intertwined his fingers in between Duo's.
Strangely, Duo found the action rather enjoyable and comforting. At first, his muscles
tensed at the touch, but then they gradually relaxed into the hold. Heero squeezed once,
as if to console Duo, and then the hand was gone.
"Get some sleep, Duo."
Heero started to get up off the bed, but found Duo's hand reaching back out for his.
"Heero, please, stay beside me?"
Heero looked to the hand firmly holding his and then to the violet eyes that were still
very bright even in the darkness. He found he couldn't say no to that face, that smile.
Heero nodded once and sat back down on the bed.
"Thanks…"
Duo scooted over onto the edge of the bed and motioned for Heero to lay down beside him.
Heero didn't know it he liked the idea of lying beside the injured boy, but once he looked
into those eyes again, he couldn't refuse.
Heero carefully climbed under the covers with Duo, making sure not to bump or jostle the
injured boy beside him. When Heero had finally found a comfortable position with a decent
amount of space between him and Duo, he let out a stifled sigh. He could feel the bed
shift as Duo turned on his side to look at Heero. Heero kept his eyes closed. He didn't
want to see those eyes, not now, not when they were so close and those eyes were so over
powering.
Duo contently eyed the Japanese pilot, taking into consideration every curve of his neck
up… it was all he could see with the covers and darkness surrounding and engulfing
the boy. Once Duo was satisfied with what little of the usually stone faced Wing pilot he
could see, he rolled back onto his back and stared innately at the ceiling above him. Now
that Heero was here, protecting him, he thought going back to sleep wouldn't be that
awful. And so Duo closed his heavy eyelids.
What seemed like minutes passed before Heero spoke the puzzle on his mind.
"Who told you I didn't care?"
Duo was on the verge of restless slumber and the question barely registered in his mind.
In fact, he wasn't sure if Heero had really said it or if it was an after shock of the
strange dream. Nevertheless, his lazy voice chimed in with an answer.
"The people Shinigami has destroyed."
"People you've killed?"
Duo was already asleep, Heero could tell by the evening breaths he was releasing. Yet,
somehow the American pilot struggled in his sleep to push up some kind of drifting answer.
"Mmm hmm."
Heero processed that as a yes. He knew Duo was sleep talking now, but he had one more
question to ask. Even if Duo wouldn't remember it in the morning, at least Heero could
rest assured that he had some kind of answer… even if it might not be true due to the
haze of sleep covering Duo.
"Duo, are you my friend?"
"Mmm…?"
Heero decided to try again with a more direct question.
"Do you care for me?"
"Mmm hmm."
Heero sighed. It may have been a false answer, but it was an answer nonetheless. And now,
at least Heero could play some kind of fantasy world over in his head were he had a
friend, and he had someone that cared for him. At least he could pretend.
Duo rolled onto his side and his arm flung out onto Heero's chest. Heero started,
surprised by the sensation of flesh on flesh. Warm, soft, sweet flesh.
'Oh he thinks I'm sleeping. I know he does.' Duo thought dreamily. 'But mark my words,
Heero Yuy, I will remember this in the morning. And I will not let you forget this night.
I will not.'
* * *