I rushed about in the kitchen, kept glancing at the clock on the wall. Half an hour more,
I told myself, half an hour more and he will be here. As I placed the last piece of the
cutlery on the dining table, I stood back and admired my handiwork. Perfect.
At the precise time, the doorbell rang. I flew to the door and opened it. There he was,
standing at the doorway, looking ever so handsome. He held up a single rose, which I
accepted, in sheer delight. As I hung up his coat in the closet, I held the piece of
clothing to my face and inhaled deeply. I loved his sense, a mixed of musk and his
maleness.
We had our dinner in silence. Though he didn't say it, I knew he appreciated my effort.
And that was enough for me. He sat down at the sofa having his coffee while I cleared the
table. I noticed that he kept glancing at his watch.
"Are you in a hurry to leave?" I asked in a rather disappointed tone
"Hn."
"Please stay, Heero. Just one night?"
When he didn't answer, I walked over to the sofa and sat beside him, my eyes pleading.
"Just tonight, please?"
"I'm sorry but I can't." he replied quietly. He reached for me, drew me to him
and kissed me firmly on the mouth. His hands sought the fold of my shirt, parting it, his
fingers traced the hard nub of my nipples. Angered by his refusal to stay with me, I
struggled against his advances.
"Not if you are going to take me and then run away, back to her." I protested. I
pushed his hands away and walked into the bedroom.
Heero stared after me in resentful surprise and followed me into the bedroom.
"I would like for once to have you make love to me and then to fall asleep in your
arms. I want to wake up with you by my side." I pleaded. "I would like for once
not to be made to feel like…..like a whore."
Heero just stared back at me in silence. He must have found my demands unreasonable. I
knew I was being unreasonable, stubborn but I wanted so much to have him all by myself,
even if just for one night. Was that too much to ask for?
Unaccustomed to rejection, he brushed my objections aside. He pushed me back against the
down pillows. Unbuttoning the roll of buttons on my shirt, he parted the fabric and his
mouth came to rest on my nipple, sucking and grazing his teeth at it. I began to moan and
groan. Heero unbuckled my pants and pulled the offensive piece of garment off my legs. His
hands caressed the soft flesh of my inner thighs. His breathing was becoming heavy and
irregular, his mouth working hungrily at my nipples.
I shuddered beneath the urgency of his hands and mouth. I didn't want him like this. I
didn't want him to make love to me, then leave me to lie alone in the bed, waiting for
dawn to arrive. I needed the assurance of his making love to me. I was feeling very
insecure. My greatest fear was losing him, yet I knew I could never have him the way I
wanted to.
As he lowered himself into my outstretched arms, I held him tightly, not wanting to let
him go. I could feel the heat of his flesh against mine, the throbbing of his hardened
arousal as it pressed against my thigh. His mouth hungrily sought mine, his tongue pressed
between my teeth. His breathing became quicker and ragged. I felt him lift and position
himself to enter me.
"Slowly, Heero," I begged. "Make it last, just for tonight."
Ignoring me, he forced my legs apart with his knees and drove himself into me with such
fury that I screamed out in pain.
He pulled back briefly and drove into me again with the same brutality. As my pain ebbed,
I found the harmony of movement. I rocked against him; my urgency soon matched his. As he
drove himself deep down to the hilt one last time, I felt the spasms shake his body, his
hot seed spilling into my tight channel.
He rolled off me and lay beside me with his arm around my waist. I snuggled up to him and
kissed him gently on the lips.
"I love you." I whispered.
After a long moment of silence, he returned my kiss and rose from the bed. I watched him
go into the bathroom, heard the water turned on and the spray springing from his body.
"Yes, clean yourself thoroughly, wash away all the evidence of tonight's passion
before you return to her." I thought angrily.
Coming out of the bathroom, he crossed to his clothes and dressed quickly. As always when
he was preparing to leave, I had a sinking sensation, an unspoken panic that I would not
see him again
After giving me a kiss, he left my apartment, leaving me alone in the bed to wait for the
break of the dawn.
* * *
I have not seen him for two weeks. Was he still angry
with me over the other night, I wondered. What if he decided not to come anymore? What if
he didn't want me anymore? What if……..
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Every night I waited for the doorbell to ring,
waited for him to appear before me, to take me. But he never came and I was getting
distress. The feeling of disappointment was overwhelming.
I cried myself to sleep again. When I awakened an hour later, I saw Heero kneeling beside
my bed.
"Heero!" I gasped in surprised. Had my prayers been answered?
He was fingering my hair, my long locks of chestnut hair. His eyes were flashing hungrily
with passion. I saw that he wanted to make love to me. I submitted myself to him as I
always have.
I extended a hand to his neck. He had undressed himself, his body naked, warm and
desirable to touch. I whimpered his name with a moan as his mouth traveled down my chest.
His tongue traced the mound of my abdomen, leaving a trail of warm saliva to cool in its
downward path toward my loins. I grasped his arousal in my hand and gave it a tight
squeeze. The pain encouraged him and he pushed my legs apart, engaging me into a sea of
passion again.
After he left, I rose and ran into the bathroom. There were tears in my eyes. I wiped them
away with impatience. I gagged, gargled and washed my face. Resting my hands on the sides
of the basin, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The violet eyes that stared back at
me were red and swollen, ringed by dark circles. I looked so haggard. My hair was a
disaster, with tangles and a need for a good comb out.
"This…this is not me." I continued to stare at the unfamiliar reflection in
the mirror. Sleep had obviously eluded me but I wanted to sleep off my misery. I opened
the drawer of the nightstand and reached deep inside. A bottle of pink and blue capsules
gleamed before me. This was the avenue of my escape.
* * *
I felt as if I have been sleeping for months. My back
ached terribly and my head felt groggy.
"Where am I?" I found myself asking.
"Duo?" A blurry image appeared before my eyes. Blinking my eyes, I tried to
clear the cloud that was hindering my vision.
"Wufei?" I whispered in surprised. "Where am I?"
"In the hospital, you baka." He sounded reproachful.
"Hospital? Why?" I queried in bafflement.
"You don't remember? You had an overdose on sleeping pills. Why are you so foolish?
Call yourself a Catholic boy. Don't you know it's a sin to kill oneself?"
"I…I wasn't….." I muttered.
"Duo, is he really that worthy for you to die for him like that?"
"I……" Again, I was interrupted.
"Listen to me, Duo. Face the truth, accept the reality. The man himself is already
married to the Queen of the World. I find it very deceitful and selfish of him to continue
keeping you by his side, leading you on, using you."
"No, he isn't." I defended my lover.
Wufei was getting impatient. "Come on, Duo. Do you really want to be his secret lover
forever, knowing that you will never have him, that he will eventually return to her side?
This is not like you, Duo Maxwell. What happened to your dignity, your pride? Are you
really that blind?"
I let Wufei rant at me in silence. I deserved it. Wufei was right. I knew I was just a
physical release to Heero. We can never live happily ever after as in a fairy tale. I was
just being stubborn, refusing to accept the reality. What happened to me? When did I turn
into such a weakling? I remembered the reflection I saw in the mirror and I didn't like
it. I got to break away, got to live my own life. I can't go on like this forever.
* * *
"Ok, that's about it. I got to check in now."
I said to the Chinese boy. "And thanks a lot, Wufei. If not for you, I would have
been dead. Thanks for saving my life and my soul."
"You sure you can do this?" Wufei looked at me with a questioning look on his
face.
"Yes. You are right, I got to live for myself. That's why I've decided to leave
him."
My determined look must have assured him. He smiled in approval.
"Someday, you will find your destiny, Duo. You will find the right person worthy of
your love."
As I sat in the plane, looking out at the sun, feeling its warmth on my face, I felt like
a new person. I will no longer live in despair and disillusions, I promised myself. Today
shall be the start of a brand new day.
"Excuse me, but I think you have taken my seat by mistake."
I looked up to see a girl with short purple hair, smiling down at me.
"Oh, sorry." I moved to let her take her seat while I settled in the one next to
her.
"Since we are going to be travel mate for the next ten hours, why don't we get
acquainted? My name is Hilde Schwieker." The girl held out her hand to me.
I smiled and shake her hand firmly. "Hi, I'm Duo Maxwell."
* * *