Here is the second part of a trilogy.
STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES: I do not own any of the characters or mobile suits of Gundam
Wing. I'm just using them for entertainment purposes. Please don't sue me for it.
WARNING: mild yaoi, angst, massive spoiler to certain scenes of the 49 episode series
(though I might place them in slightly jumble up order.) 4+3 and 1+3
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SORROW
I was lost, totally lost. I was wandering about like a drifting cloud, following the
direction of the wind, aimlessly.
I had no memory. I couldn't remember a thing, not even my own name… until the day I
was found and picked up by my sister, Catherine, did I know that I was called Trowa…
"Trowa," a sweet, melodic voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned around, and
found my golden-hair angel standing behind me, smiling. His smile was gorgeous, warming up
every single corners of my heart, filling me with joy, with happiness. Giving me a
newfound direction in life.
"Yes, Quatre?" I questioned softly.
Quatre walked over to my side, placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and said,
"Trowa, you seem distracted, are you feeling well?"
Quatre's voice was filled with deep-rooted concern. He was concern for me, like always.
The weird thing, was that Quatre always apologized for hurting me, claiming to be guilty
for my lost of memory… but…but how was it possible for a person…a person as
kind, as sweet, as gentle as Quatre was…how could somebody like him, hurt anybody? I
never could comprehend this, but it was alright, for I wouldn't blame him even if what he
said was true. After all, how could I be so heartless to blame him, since it was he who
took care of me, all these days, during our stay in Peacemillion? Even if he really did
hurt me, I was sure it was unintentional.
"Don't worry," I said in my quiet voice.
His eyebrows were still creased; his eyes were still wide, with crystal clear sparkles of
concern, of love shinning from them. Through his expression, I could sense that his worry
was still intact. I leaned down, closer, towards him and gave him a hug, and planted a dry
peck in the middle of his forehead. I looked into his lovely blue eyes and said,
"Please, don't worry. I was just thinking…"
"No!" Quatre interrupted, "Don't think so hard. Please don't push yourself
too much…Its all my fault."
"Quatre…" I was touched; overwhelmed by Quatre's kindness and concern that
was directed towards me.
"Please don't break my heart," Quatre said in a barely audible voice, as he
placed both hands in front of his chest, as if he was protecting his shattering heart,
holding them together in place. I was stunned by Quatre's word, did…did he mean that
he…he love…love me, did he? "I…I love…love you, Trowa,"
Quatre added hesitantly, with his eyes downcast, away from my glance.
I closed up the gap between us. Following that, I placed my hand under his chin and tilted
it up gently. Lifting his head up, so that both our eyes met, green and blue merged into
one… "Me too."
"Huh?"
"I…I love you, too."
"Really?"
I nodded.
"You…You're not angry with me?"
"Why should I?"
"But…but…I hurt you." Tears started rolling off Quatre's eyes, flowing
down his cheeks.
I raised my hand, and brushed away his tears, and said tenderly, "Please don't cry,
my dear. Please don't cry."
Quatre leaned forth, into my arms and said sadly, in-between outflows of tears, "I'll
never be able to forgive myself for what happened. I…I actually shot…shot you.
I…I blasted you with the twin blaster…I almost…almost killed…killed
you."
"But, you didn't. I'm still alive, so don't blame yourself anymore."
"But…but…your memory…"
"It's alright, Quatre. What past its past, don't keep brooding about it."
"But still…"
I knew that as long as I'm still suffering from amnesia, Quatre would never be able to
forgive himself, so I decided that I should just change the topic, instead of trying to
disperse his guilt. "Quatre, why did you find me for?" I interrupted in a
neutral voice.
"Oh yeah! Dinner's ready."
"Wonderful! I'm feeling kind of hungry," I said as I patted my tummy. We went
off hand in hand towards the dinning-hall of Peacemillion.
*****
I missed him…I missed him badly…very badly… But, I was unlike others, I was
not expressive. I didn't know much about feelings, about matters of the hearts. I wasn't
used to emotions…I couldn't allow my feelings to show. I had to wear a mask… a
perfect soldier should not feel love, yet I knew I loved him…and it had caused me
much pain…It had been so long since I last felt this hurt…this sad… I guess
most people would feel that I was a heartless, cold being, someone who was totally devoid
of all emotions. Yes! I was near perfect, but not perfect. I'm not really what others
thought me to be…a perfect soldier. I too had feelings; I too yearned for love,
though I would not and could not show them…emotions are hindrance in war. I felt that
most people, maybe even including my comrades, would blame me for leaving
him…allowing him to be lost in space…letting him die…alone…and instead
of saving him, rushed at Quatre and tried to kill him But, could anyone really understand
my actions, comprehended my thoughts? No! Did anyone know my fear…did anyone bothered
to find out why I didn't try to save him? No! They all just dismissed it as me being cold
and emotionless, me being a practical person, and that I had rushed to attack Quatre
first, as he was a threat, a danger to me, to the colony. Yeah, it was true, I was worried
that Quatre would do more damage to the space colony, but that wasn't all. In fact, I
rushed at him, because of anger, of sadness, of worry. I wasn't used to feelings and the
sudden outflow of them caused me much confusion. I was feeling so confused at the
moment…I needed something to vent out my feelings on… I was…was scared.
Yes, I was. I actually felt fear and worry at that time…I was frightened that I would
lose him…I would lose something that meant so much, too much to me… It was not
that I didn't want to save him…I would have saved any of my comrades in a situation
like that…but…but I didn't have the courage, I didn't dare rush forth towards
his mobile suit when it exploded. I was fearful, frightened that I would find him
dead… But no one had ever really understood me, or bothered to even try.
Maybe…maybe except…him…he was…was so giving…he knew that behind
my silence, my mask, my seemly perfection that I too yearned and needed attention. He was
always so subtle in his words and actions, but if one noticed it properly, one could see
his deep-rooted concern, kindness and love behind them. His past too was like mine, too
full of pain and darkness for him to really show his concern clearly, for him to express
his love…but I could sense it… I loved him too…but…but I would never
have a chance to tell him…never…
*****
"Hallo, Duo," both Quatre and I called out to our highly cheerful and seemly
happy-go-lucky friend.
"Hiya guys!" Duo said merrily as he literally bounced up from his seat at the
dinning table, towards us, "I'm starving! What take you two soooo long?"
"Sorry to keep you waiting, Duo," Quatre apologizes politely.
"Sorry," I said simply.
"Hey! You haven't answered my question yet. What keep you all soooo long?"
"We were talking," Quatre answered sweetly, "Sorry about it."
"Just talking?" Duo questioned with a tinge of mischief in his voice.
"What?" I asked.
"You sure you two didn't kiss, or hug, or hmmm…go even further then
that…like sex maybe?" Duo replied with a silly grin wiped across his face.
"Duo!" I called out in surprise. While, Quatre immediately turned red. I
couldn't help staring at him; Quatre really looked so cute when he blushed. Sometimes, I
really couldn't believe that Duo could be a Gundam pilot, he always seemed so cheerful, so
excited, especially when we had to fight. He seemed to take battles as games. Weird! I
never could really comprehend his behavior. But with my current state of mind, I could
hardly understand anything, especially human thoughts and actions, including my own.
"Hallo, see that all of you're here, already. I'll send for the food," a sweet
sounding, feminine voice penetrated my thoughts. I looked up…Noin.
"Hallo," Quatre and Duo called out.
I gave her a silent nod. For some reason…I didn't seem to enjoy talking much…I
wondered why…
*****
I saw an army carrier-craft approaching my direction, I raised the twin blaster of Wing
Zero and aimed at it.
"Wait a minute, Heero! I've something important to give you!" A familiar
feminine voice sounded through the communicator of my Gundam. I strained my eyes and
recognized the speaker to be Sally Po, a rebel to OZ.
"What?" I questioned in my monotone.
"Please alight from your Gundam for a moment, I've something very important for you
to bring back to space."
I jumped down from Wing Zero and waited. She immediately ordered her men to unload a
mobile suit carrier with a mobile suit that was covered by canvas sheets on it. Then she,
together with her men, removed the canvas sheets…Gundam Heavyarms…his…his
mobile suite…
"Where's Trowa?" I questioned.
She didn't answer my question directly, instead asked, "Would you be willing to come
with me. I need to transport this into space. Noin had contacted me and said that all the
other Gundam pilots besides you and Wufei are already gathered at Peacemillion.
" So…so he…he wasn't dead…I needed to go to Peacemillion…I needed
to see him myself, to confirm this matter.
*****
Everything went on fine…at least until the arrival of the two other Gundam pilots,
Wufei and Heero. Wufei was pretty quiet, and seemly quite anti-social. He hardly talked to
us, except talks regarding battles' situations and plans. He seemed so serious, and cared
about nothing but work. I often wondered whether he did anything else, besides practicing
his sword and resting during his free time. But, I soon found out that he was a really
good chess player, during a game between Duo and I. Duo got sort of stuck halfway through,
and he helped Duo. Guess one could never judge a book by its cover. Though Wufei seemed
pretty weird, he was alright still. The problem, or at least my problem lied with
Heero… It was something beyond explanation…I…I had this odd but intense
feeling that I knew him. Before he arrived, I was sure of my feelings for
Quatre…but…but when he appeared, I…I felt so confused… I even had wet
dreams about him, about Heero and me…the dreams kept repeating night after night,
they weren't like normal dreams…they seemed so real…almost like I could actually
feel him…feel him in me…
*****
I wanted to rush forth and hug him and shower him with kisses, when I first arrived at
Peacemillion. I badly wanted to hold him in my arms again, to protect him, to care for
him. But that was no longer my job. It was Quatre's now. It filled me with pain, with
sorrow to see him hugging, touching, kissing my Trowa…no, Trowa was no longer mine.
But…but…at least he was still alive… I badly wanted to snatch Trowa away
from Quatre, to win back his love. But, I knew that it wasn't right. After all it was
Quatre who took care of him, when he most needed it. Where was I? Besides, Quatre had
everything - wealth, look and character...It was just not right for me to stand in their
way. I had told myself, that even if Trowa regained his memory and remembered me, I would
still let them be together. They were meant to be together. Quatre's purity and innocence
would wash away Trowa's pain and sorrow of his past… I could trust Quatre to take
care of Trowa…care for him, give him love, much more than what I could ever offer.
For my heart and soul was damaged too badly for it to heal properly…it would take
forever…for them to heal… Besides, I didn't wish to see Trowa got hurt
again…ever…
*****
I saw Catherine on screen; she was in danger…I had to save her…my wonderful
sister. I rushed out in Wing Zero, as the mechanics had not yet completed the upgrading of
my Heavyarms, so it was still unsuitable for space battles. Somehow…I began to lose
control of myself…I wanted to kill…to destroy… I started shooting madly,
destroying everything insight. I was about to destroy an entire space colony
when…when I heard the voice of my angle calling out for me to stop.
"Trowa, stop! Don't do this. I'm sure you're stronger than this. You once stop me
from destroy an entire colony. You once saved my soul. Please Trowa…please
stop," Quatre was literally begging me. I…I felt so confused, so messed
up…I hold my throbbing head with both my hands… Slowly, my memory started
flowing back…I could remember everything and everyone…I was awakened.
*****
Upon returning to Peacemillion, I was still feeling weary from my ordeal in Wing Zero, so
I went straight to my room to rest, but I couldn't sleep. The thought of Heero kept
bugging me… I could now remember clearly, my intimate relationship with Heero in the
past…those dreams I had of him…weren't dreams, but memories. They were real. I
needed to find him, to confront him about this matter…I needed and wanted to know his
feelings for me… Quatre…the thought of my golden-hair angel intruded suddenly. I
felt so confused. How? What was I to do? I needed to talk to Heero; I needed to get things
straightened out…now…
*****
Trowa…from what the others said, he had regained his memory… Would he still want
me? Would he still love me? No! I mustn't be selfish; I must let him go. I would not be
able to provide him with enough love and attention. I knew I love him totally in my heart,
and would always continued to love him inside, but…but I just couldn't express it,
properly. I would never be able to show him the true depth of my love. I just didn't know
how to do such things, to express, to show. I was never trained to feel. Besides I was
assigned to live and die for the war. I couldn't even guarantee my own safety, how could I
take care of him? I must let him go…he deserved happiness, I must let him go…
*****
I entered Heero's room. He was sitting in the middle of his bed, seemingly immersed in his
thoughts. I hesitated for a while. Was I to enter now? Would I be intruding in his
privacy? But…but I badly needed to talk with him…to clear up my confuse state of
mind…
"Heero…"I called out softly.
He looked up…
*****
A voice, a beautiful, quiet voice entered my mind…I looked up… Trowa. He had
came at last. I could feel my heartbeat quicken at the sight of my desire, but my face
remained blank, my mask was fully intact.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a perfect monotone, masking of the sea of
emotions, that I was drowning in.
"Heero…Heero…I can remember everything, now," he replied in his
beautiful, quiet voice.
"So?" I asked in an emotionless voice, acting as if whatever happened to him,
was of total unconcern to me.
"Heero. Do…do…what do you think of me?" He asked hesitantly.
It was unlike Trowa to be so hesitant, unless it had to do with expressing his feelings
openly. I knew what he wanted to know; he wanted to know whether I had loved him. Yes, but
this was an unspoken answer that was meant only to be kept locked up inside my
heart…forever…
"You wanted to know my feelings for you?" I questioned neutrally.
"…"
He stared back at me, then blushed slightly, very slightly, but even this extreme slight
blush of his, was enough to set me on fire…but I somehow managed to kept myself in
control.
"Trowa, I had never love you, nor cared about you. Not now, not then, not ever,"
I replied coldly, "You were just a toy to me, a form of relaxation that I had needed,
due to the intense stress of the war."
****
Heero's words were like thunder to my ears. My hands automatically were up at my ears,
blocking them, covering them from more of these insults. My legs weakened and I found
myself sinking to the ground. I regret coming here…I had thought…had thought
that he had cared at least a little about me. I knew that it was quite impossible for him
to really love me, since there were people like Relena and Duo hovering around him most of
the time. Why would he ever love me…but I…I thought that he would at least care
for me as a friend…but…but he…
*****
Trowa was visibly upset, the mask that he normally wear, was crumbled and had split up
into millions of pieces. Lovely threads of teardrops started flowing down from the sea of
green, in endless streams…It filled me with pain to see him cry. I felt like I was
drowning…drowning in a sea of sorrow… I felt like running towards him, scooping
him up and holding him tight, telling him that all I had just said was a lie and that I
loved him, but…but I forced myself to remain cool, to act as if I didn't are. It was
better for him to felt the temporary sadness now, then, to suffer with me…I must let
him go. But…but maybe…maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh, I should have reject
him in softer words… But would it work? Would he have believed?
*****
I felt so betrayed…so used… I thought he was my friend, I thought he would at
least care a little for me…but…but he…he was just like those men…those
mercenaries, who…who raped me…he was just like them. He had only wanted my body
and nothing else… Suddenly, I felt my hurt diminished, and my anger was increasing by
the minute. I had to make a move quick, I didn't want to explode before him, to make a
fool of myself…I was a fool to have trusted him in the first place. I calmed myself
down…my facial mask was back in place, though my heart still hurt like hell…I
never had felt so tormented in my life, at least with those men, I had never thought them
as my friends. Besides, they were the ones who forced themselves on me. But…but with
Heero, it was different, I actually allowed him to touch me, to use me willingly. I stood
up, with my mask in place once again, shading of all my emotions. He looked kind of
surprised, at the speed of my recovery. I stared at him expressionlessly for a moment and
then said coldly,
"Sorry to have intruded in your privacy. I'll never ever bother you again." I
turned and left immediately after finishing speaking, carrying with me my badly wounded
heart, and my abused pride…
*****
Goodbye, Trowa. Goodbye, my love… He had walked out of my life, forever… I knew
that I would never get him back, never again would I be able to hold him in my
arms…to kiss him…never again would I have a chance to express my deep-felt love
for him, never again… Goodbye my love…
~ END ~
Special thanks to Neesan Tracy for editing my work. ^_^
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