Funnily enough, this is a section devoted to fan-fic. Feel
free to write a fic and send it to me, I'll put it up here and accredit the
author.
For the third night in a row, Steve has been in front of the TV. Either
watching ‘Tastes Like Chicken’ or playing ‘Blood Omen 2’. For some
reason, the TV has started to play the theme-tune to Gundam. At the sound of
this, Wil peels himself off his chair in front of the PC wanders in to see why
the TV would be playing his favourite show. As he looks at the TV a model Gundam
has its head bitten off and chewed thoughtfully. The shot zooms out to reveal a
large Canadian with a receding hairline, a ponytail and a goatee.
“G’day
viewers, I’m Rolf. Today we’re in a quiet suburb of Massachusetts its around
10am and I’m hungry. Lets see what’s aboot.” He takes another bite out of
the toy with a crunch. “mmm Tastes like chicken”
“For
fucks sake Steve, how long have you been in that space?” there’s no reply…
“helloooo are you still alive???” still no response. “I’ll turn of the
TV again, and you remember what happened last time don’t you?” No reply…
Wil
walks over to the TV and flicks the off-switch. As usual, nothing happens.
Pushing it a few more times, he gives up and goes out.
As
the door shuts, a mouse comes out of hiding and scurries across the floor
towards the bathroom. After a few minutes the toilet flushes and the mouse
returns to its hole. Back on the TV, Rolf is currently holding both his thumbs
up and his mouth open and full of bees. There’s a huge grin on his face as he
closes his mouth and begins to chew “yummy… no wait! AAARRRGH THE PAIN”.
Some medics rush to him and try to help. But he refuses their aid and continues
to chew with frequent yelps of pain. As he swallows the last one and before he
passes out, he manages to get out his catchphrase – “tastes like chicken!”
As the credits begin to role the scene switches to a hospital bed with Rolf
tucked in and his neck looking swollen. “On the next show, I’ll be drinking
raw bitumen”
Steve
stands up and stretches. Wading through the multitude of empty beer cans he
makes his way to the door, pulling it open he stumbles down the stairs and
starts to kick the door of the flat below.
A
small voice comes from inside “Don’t go, I’m coming, I’m coming” after
a few seconds a head peers round the edge of the door. “Oh its you come in”
he scampers quickly back into the nearest room followed by a muffled yelp and
the sound of a cupboard door closing. As Steve enters the room Jon is locking
his cupboard with a padlock.
“Hey
I’ve got a great idea!, lets listen to Less then Jake together” squeaked Jon
excitedly.
“I’ve
got a better idea, lets not and say we didn’t. That way I don’t have to cut
my ears off”
“but
I have their latest song, its really, really good. I’ve only listened to it 58
times now”
“look,
lad. I don’t want to hit you at this time, we’ve got a party to go to
tonight, are you going to come?
“Are
you really inviting me to your party?”
“It’s
not my party but we need to go in a big group, so I’m gonna go get the others
in a bit, you’re just nearest”
“Wow.
Cool! This is great. I haven’t been to a party in years… who’s party is it
then?
“It’s
a surprise.”
“Isn’t
that illegal?”
“I
wouldn’t think so. Who really cares anyway, we’ll be, well you’ll be
brining a load of drink”
“I
will?”
“Yeah
because if you don’t I’ll open that cupboard”
“nooo
not the cupboard!!! OK I’ll buy the booze. How many bottles of cider will we
need?”
“Don’t
be stupid you vegetarian gay. Its beer or Absinthe and you know that.”
“umm
ok then. How an I going to carry it all, I can only carry 2 bottles of cider at
once…”
“go
get a trolley of something, there’s a few in the pond round the corner”
“right-o”
The
pair leave, as Jon spends the ritualistic 5 minutes ensuring that all the locks
on his door are secured so as to protect the one and a half thousand CD’s and
the contents of the Cupboard safe. Steve pulls the front door open and wanders
out into the rain. Walking down the street towards John’s house, Steve passes
a number of wheely bins, up ahead there is a foot sticking out of one.
“how
the fuck did you end up in there?”
“It
looked comfortable” replied John
“bollocks
did it. Look its full of rubbish”
“umm
oh yeah, My side has been hurting a bit” said John as he was dragged out of
the bin.
“I’m
not surprised your side hurts. Check that out!”
“ooh
man that’s nasty”
The
pair turn back and walk towards the nearest pub
“So
we’re having a party then?” asked John “That’s cool. Maybe I’ll be
able to pull tonight”
“yup,
but before that I need a drink. Where’d you wanna go?”
“oh
oo oo I know!! The nearest pub is that one with something to do with horses”
“Don’t
be stupid. We’re going to see if we can get back into that one further up”
“Weren’t
you barred from that one”
“Yeah,
but we’re goin’ to the one after that”
“But
you’re barred from that one as well! You spanner!”
“Shit.
I am aren’t I” moaned Steve “Ah well, the one about horses it is then”
As
the two figures enter the pub, rain dripping of them, a small group of old
ladies shuffle uncomfortably in their chairs. Sighting this, Steve and John
begin to slowly walk towards them.
“Shall
we do the mouse thing?” whispered John
“Oh
yes” replied Steve grinning
What
follows can only be described as a drawn out conversation about why John ate
Steve’s sisters pet mouse alive for a bet. This is a guaranteed seat clearer.
The only other way to clear a table in the pub is one of Amy’s farts. But she
isn’t with us anymore so there’s no chance of that.
“Nice
one mate” said John as the two shake hands on another successful freak-out
“Right,
off to the bar with you.” Steve pulls out a £10 and hands it to John “get 4
pints”
John
goes to the bar and after a few minutes comes back and sits down putting 2 beers
on each side of the table. Sitting down in front of his 2
“Are
you not drinking then” asked Steve
“You
mean these two aren’t for me?
“Well
duh! What do you think?” he said as he pulled all four pints onto his side.
“Oh
ok then” said John as he returned to the bar.
Meanwhile,
Wil was lying in a puddle of mud at the bottom of a hill. A tall man wearing
what looked like tartan bondage trousers was eating cheese and laughing at him.
Standing up Wil said
“stop
that… silly person”
“Brieeeeee”
said the tall man and he ran around the puddle a few times
“You’ve
been drinking wine again haven’t you Will?”
“umm
yeah!. Where’s my brother?”
“I
dunno”
“well,
I left him in a bin this morning and he’s not there anymore”
“might
he have just woken up and gone home or something?”
“nope.
I was asleep outside his door”
“ah
well, maybe Steve knows. Can we can ask him where John is”
Wil
instinctively turns and walks towards the local pubs knowing that he can easily
find Steve in any of the few locations he usually is, namely the pub, the off
licence or at home. Arriving at the pub, the pair headed towards a table with
about 25 empty pint glasses scattered on and around the table. There was no-one
at the table.
“looks
like we missed him” said Will
“I
doubt it” replied Wil
There
was a groan from under the table. Looking under it, they saw John lying on his
back with a full pint ballenced on each of the lenses of his glasses.
“Please
help! If I spill either of these he’s going to set the TV on me…”
Will
took the pints off and placed them on the table.
“so
anyway, where’s Steve gone ?” asked Wil
“I
think he’s arranging something for tonight’s party” said John
“A
party! Cool!” the pair said in unison.
“you
didn’t know about it?”
“umm
no, not yet” said Wil
“I
thought that it was your birthday or something…”
“not
for another 7 months…”
“so
where is Steve??” asked Wil again “I need to know what I should wear for the
party”
“what
do you mean? You only have the one damn jacket” said Will
“look
just shut up ok!” said Wil
A
shriek came from outside…
“Umm
I think Steve is outside somewhere” said Wil
“how
do you know? Asked Will”
“because
people screaming like that is one of his little tricks”
The
trio ventured outside to find Steve leaning over a bridge being sick
“shit
man. Are you being sick???” shouted Wil
“huh”
replied Steve.
“I
wanna see” said Will as he rushed over to the bridge
Looking
over the edge he saw the source of the scream. Adie was dangling upside down
over the sewage outlet. Steve was holding his feet and dangling him about an
inch away from the foetid water.
“why
are you doing that?” asked John as the other two joined the pair on the
bridge.
“I’m
waiting for him to give me an answer” said Steve
“cool”
replied John “what did you ask him?”
“Yes!”
Shouted Aide “tell him. I wanna know as well”
“I
asked you earlier you dozy ginger pubed freak”
“no
you didn’t!” wailed Adie “you jumped on me and then dangled me over this
bridge”
“did
I ? oh. Sorry then” said Steve “OK the question is this : Are you coming to
the party?”
“what
party?”
“the
one we’re having tonight”
“oh
ok Yes then”
Steve
hauled Adie up and stands him on the pavement.
“I
thought you wanted that money I owed you!” said Adie
“you
owe me money? Um ok then”
Bending
down, Steve grabs Adie’s foot again and prepares to hold him off the bridge
again. But before he gets him on the wall he says.
“No
wait, I’ll give it to you tonight!
“you
bloody better or I’ll piss in your mouth when you’re asleep”
Back
in the pub, Simon Sutcliffe and his fiancé Marie have just sat down at one of
the many empty tables surrounding the table full of empty pint glasses. They
have a bottle of ‘Fat Bastard Chardonnay’, a fine white wine with the
delicate and crisp taste of grapes. Pouring a small glass each he remarks to his
partner
“I
love you darling”
“and
I you dearest” replied Marie
Returning
to the pub Steve and John are joined at their table by Adie. Noticing a lack of
table space, Wil wandered over to the nearby table occupied by the couple
enjoying a bottle of wine. And dragged the table, bottle and all across to join
the two tables. Noticing the passing bottle of wine, Will grabbed it and sat
down and began to empty the contents down his throat in one swift movement.
“Hey!
What the hell do you think you’re doing?” yelled Simon, standing up and
shaking his clenched fist.
The
5 rise out of their seats and glare at the couple Adie begins to growl at them
and makes to move towards them, but is stopped by Steve, who grabs the back of
his shirt
“I
suggest you don’t let Adie get hold of your lady friend…. It wouldn’t be
nice”
Adie’s
hands are outstretched towards the girl and its clear he is straining to reach
her.
“look
old chap. Lets be British about this. Now, I want my wine back” said Simon
calmly.
The
empty bottle is thrust into Simons hands by Will who promptly burps in his face
“Right
that’s the last straw!” said Simon as he rolled the sleeves of his while
shirt up.” this has gone to far and its time I sorted you out once and for
all” He rushed to the bar and began talking t the manager.
The manager a stern looking woman came over to the group surrounding the
two tables.
“Now
listen hear, I’ve had numerous complaints about you and this time I’m going
to have to ask you to leave. As of now you are barred from this pub.”
“who
are you to tell me I’m barred” retorted Steve
“I’m
the manager of this pub young man and what I say goes!”
“you’re
a manager. Chyeah right! Like I believe that. So can you get the real manager
now. I have a complaint to make.
“I
am the manager!” said the manager “now get out of my pub!”
“very
amusing, you put on a good show. Now if you don’t get the real manager I shall
be forced to make a scene”
“You
are making a scene and I am the bloody manager” yelled the manager, getting
more and more furious.
“look
lady, just get the manager and everything will be fine.” said Steve
“ARRRRRRRGGHHHH”
screamed the manager.
By
this time the other four had already retreated outside, knowing the outcome…
Sure enough a barstool came flying though the window swiftly followed by Steve,
his long black coat flowing behind him.
“hehehe”
grinned Steve
“how
long was that?” asked John
“only
4 minutes, not bad but not his best.” said Wil.
“Where to now asked Adie?”
“We
don’t have any beer!” noticed Wil
“no
worries there, I sorted that out before I left.” said Steve
“cool”
said Wil “how’d you manage that?”
“I
visited that stupid brother of yours” replied Steve “he was playing with the
thing in his cupboard again”
“so,
the beer’s sorted what now” asked Adie again
“I
dunno, we could always go find Trixe and play some sort of vicious trick on
him” said Wil
“like
what” asked Will
“oh
oh oh I know” squeaked Adie “we can dig a big hole in his front garden and
line it with sharpened sticks and then cover it with leaves and he can fall in
it and die”
“I
like the sound of that” said Steve “come on, lets go”
“Am
I the only one here that knows you can’t dig through concrete here?” said
Will as the others walked off
“look,
just shut up OK” said Steve “we’ll find a way.”