"Don't Look Now..."
a GundamWing fanfic

by the Princess

**WARNING--the following hints at yaoi, might have foul language, and has no socially redeeming values whatsoever...**

One night, after an accomplished mission...

"Lessee...mindless death, depraved violence, blood and gore, and the good guys win out..." As Duo catalogued the events of the night, he counted them out on his fingers. He glanced at the others with a rakish grin. "Sounds like a party in the making to me!!"

"I'm tired and I want to go to bed," Quatre muttered crankily, rubbing his eyes. "It's too late to do any partying tonight."

"But..." Hiro, Trowa and Quatre all entered the safehouse, doing everything in their power to ignore Duo as he ran behind them, pleading his case. "But...but...but tomorrow, we'll have another assignment, and then no one will want to do *anything*! Come on, I got a bottle of sake for tonight, and you're gonna tell me that it's all going to go to waste?"

"Exactly," Hiro growled. "Go to bed."

The other three all went off to their separate rooms, leaving poor Duo in the dust. He wandered into the kitchen, talking to himself as he went. "That's just not fair! I actually spend good money on good wine, and for what? Nothing! Those guys need to get a friggin life! They need to learn to loosen up every once in a while. There are some things in life that are more important than sleep!" He flipped open one of the kitchen cabinets, and put his hand in, searching blindly for the sake. When his fingers didn't find it, he stared into the cabinet confusedly, then started a thorough search of the kitchen.

It turned up nothing.

He worriedly started thinking of where it could have gone. He had every intention of getting liquored up that night, but it'd be hard if he didn't have anything to get smashed with. "The only person in the house all night would be Wufei, 'cuz he had that date with Treize and couldn't make it on the mission tonight," he thought out loud. "But Wufei hasn't gotten plastered for as long as I've known him. His queue's way too tight. And I think Relena was supposed to pop over with something or other, but what would she be doing, looking in the kitchen for my sake?" Frustrated and disappointed, Duo left the kitchen, muttering to himself.

He glanced up as he passed into the hallway leading to the upstairs bedroom, and noticed that Hiro, Trowa and Quatre were all in a pile against the walls next to the stairs. Hiro was swearing viciously and trying to get his leg out from under Trowa's backside. Trowa's bangs had gotten caught in Quatre's belt, and his struggles to pull free made for an amusing picture. Quatre was squished up against the wall with the weight of the other two bearing him down. He was squealing for air like a stuck pig.

Duo started to say, "What're you guys doing in a pile on the floor?" but he suddenly found himself sliding across the floor very fast. It had been waxed to the point where it gave no resistance to his feet. He lost his balance and fell, but kept right on zipping across the floor on his gachooon, screaming about his broken butt-bone. He crashed right into the pile of pilots, just as Trowa got his bangs out of Quatre's belt and Hiro had freed his leg, and everyone got tangled together even worse.

"F*CK!" Hiro screamed.

"My nose is bleeding--" Quatre whined.

"Those're the family jewels you're squishing there, Trowa!" Duo squeaked.

"My arm can't bend in that angle anymore!" Trowa cried, wriggling.

"Duo, do you even know what soap and water look like?!"

"That's *my* armpit you're scratching!"

"OK, that's it! Who pinched my ass?!"

"Oh, sorry there, I thought you were Hiro!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm the one whose elbow is in your mouth!"

"Mmmmmph!"

They finally managed to get untangled some time later, and sat there on the floor, afraid to move. "What was that?" Quatre asked.

"Somebody waxed the floor, genius!" Duo snapped.

"But I thought the cleaning ladies didn't come until Tuesday."

"Yeah," Trowa said thoughtfully, "and they've *never* been *that* thorough with their housecleaning anyhow."

"What about Wufei--" Duo started, but Hiro interrupted him.

"Why the hell would Wufei polish the floor so that we'd trip and fall? That's stupid. I really don't care why this happened, just so long as it's over and I can go to bed. I don't know why you're even here, Duo; I thought you were going to get drunk."

"I was. My bottle of sake is missing. I'm just as disappointed as you."

"But that's crazy," Quatre said. "Who would take your bottle of sake and then wax the floor?...And what's that box on the stairways anyhow?"

They all looked at the staircase. On the third step, an empty movie box sat. Trowa, who was nearest, reached for it and read aloud: "'Risky Business'. Starring Tom Cruise. What's the significance of this?" He glanced up, and was surprised to see that Duo had visibly paled.

"Oh, no," Duo mumbled. "First he...and then he...oh, dear God! We've got to stop the boy before the madness spreads!" He lithely jumped over the other pilots and took the steps four at a time upstairs. They looked at each other confusedly, then followed him, not knowing the horror that would await them there.

Earlier that night...

Relena wandered inside the safehouse, wondering just what was going on. According to what she knew, they were supposed to be on a mission that night, except for Wufei, who had a rendezvous with Trieze.

So why were there lights and loud noises coming from the second floor?

She made a beeline upstairs, and noted that the light and noise seemed to be coming from Wufei's room. There was a heady scent of alcohol in the air. Had someone painted a question mark over her head, it would have completed the picture of confusion on her face as she pushed the door open and gasped at what she saw inside.

Wufei had discovered the sake earlier that night, and had made good use of it (better than that long-haired idiot would have, he was sure). The half-empty wine bottle now rested in the crook of his arm. Wufei himself was spread-eagled on his bed, a thread away from bareass naked and happy as any drunk as he made the tape loop back to the part where Tom Cruise made his famous sock-sliding scene. He giggled insanely and watched Cruise make the slide again, and again, and again--

"Wufei," she said, "you're drunk."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!!" he said without missing a beat, and burst out laughing. "Lookit Tom Cruise run! I hope that fat-nosed dwarf busts his ass on the ground!!"

Relena wasn't sure what she was supposed to do in this situation. Had it been Hiro drunk, she knew very well what she would have done; she had a whole list of things to do, which she kept pinned inside her bra for safekeeping. But Wufei? Who really cared about Wufei, anyhow?

"Maybe you should stop watching the tape and get some rest," she suggested timidly. "I'm sure Trieze wore you out--"

"Trieze is a useless vomit-inducing faggot," he growled, "no better than any other stupid onna!" He grinned at her; it was a scary thing to see. "You, though, darlin, you're different. I could get to like you as much as Nataku, if you gave me the time."

"I think I hear my mother calling me," Relena said, suddenly very uncomfortable in the room alone with Wufei. "I should go--"

"Your mother's dead," he said, holding up the wine bottle, "but this shit'll make you feel alive. Have a drink, you stupid woman, or I'll force it down your throat!"

Relena thought for a minute, turned over the single question which permeated her thoughts: How will this help me to get Hiro to fall in love with me? And the answer came back quickly: If I get drunk with Wufei, Hiro will feel threatened and think he might lose me. And then, he'll realize how he feels about me, and everything will be cool! Satisfied with her own worm-eaten reasoning skills, she resolutely crossed the room, took the bottle of sake, and started drinking.

Wufei giggled insanely as he loosely screwed the lid on the container of floor wax, and peered at his creation. The entire stretch of hallway, from the kitchen to the stairs, was greased up like a mirror. He nodded in satisfaction, then called out: "Are you watching???"

"Yes!" came the eager reply.

With that, Wufei went sliding on across the greased floor. Relena was watching from the living room, which had a connecting door with the hallway. He managed a very stylish stop right in front of the door which nearly killed him, and posed while Relena hooted. He was wearing nothing but his tightie whities and a white collared shirt--and, of course, white socks. His almond eyes were hidden behind the big sunglasses he'd stolen from Trowa's room, and his hair, queue-free, hung in wild black abandon in his face and around his ears.

He tried to remember exactly what Tom Cruise had done next, and promptly forgot, so he improvised by breaking out into song: "I'm a joker...I'm a smoker...I'm a mid-night toker..." He made the universal toking gesture. "I sure don't want to hurt no one..."

Relena was laughing so hard that she had fallen off the couch and through the glass coffee table, but didn't notice the fact that she was bleeding from a few major arteries. He was singing Steve Miller, for God's sake!

And damn, did he look good with his hair down!

What they found upstairs...

Hiro fearlessly led the way as the four pilots crept up the stairwell and edged towards Wufei's room. The smell of alcohol ran rampant in their noses, and a dim light shone from under his door.

"I'm afraid," Quatre whimpered, retreating to Trowa and fretfully huddled in his arms.

"Come on, it's just Wufei," Duo said with false good cheer, not really believing what he said either. "How much harm could he do?"

Hiro pushed open the door.

They gasped simultaneously.

Wufei's TV was beeping in that way that indicated a movie was over. The screen was black. A broken glass bottle lay right next to the door. There were various items of clothing of the male and female variety scattered around the room, including a bra hanging from a slowly turning ceiling fan. Wufei and Relena were both on the bed, spread-eagled and asleep. They were both as naked as the day God made them, and the four pilots quickly learned more about Wufei's and Relena's anatomy in five seconds than they ever cared to know.

Quatre ran screaming at the sight, with Trowa in fast pursuit. Hiro turned away, shaking his head and rubbing his temples as though he had a headache. Duo, daring to venture where any sane person would fear to tread, snuck in and snatched the bra from off the ceiling fan, then quickly ran back out again and slammed the door, as though he thought that breathing too much of Wufei's air would make him catch insanity.

"What should we do?" he asked Hiro.

"Leave him to his just desserts," the lead pilot said sourly. "And why the hell did you steal Relena's bra?"

"I noticed there was something pinned in it. I thought that she had put stuffing in her bra or something, but look at this--" He unpinned a wrinkled piece of paper from inside the bra cup, unfolded it, and glanced at the scribbled writing inside it. "Oh, dear God."

"What? Let me see," Hiro said, snatching it from Duo, who had developed a sudden inexplicable nosebleed. He read over the contents of the paper, his face going steadily redder the further down his eyes traveled. "Oh, dear God."

"Actually, one or two sounded like fun," Duo said, tilting his head back and pinching his nose. "Number seventy-six in particular."

Hiro read it, a mischievous smile touching his lips. "Shall we?"

"Oh, *can* we???" Duo said, no longer bothering with his nosebleed. Before Hiro could respond, Duo grabbed up his partner and dragged him off to his bedroom.

Duo had known that tonight would be a night for partying, but before he let himself get too carried away, he remembered to snag his camera and sneak over to Wufei's room.

The next morning...

"I wonder when Wufei and Relena are going to wake up to the awful truth?" Quatre said thoughtfully, poking at a late breakfast of Crispix and slightly gone-over milk.

Trowa rolled his eyes. "If Wufei's lucky, he'll never wake up and know what lays beside him."

Duo chuckled to himself.

Wufei woke up with the unusual sensation of a vivacious, naked, female body propped up against his own. Incapable of thinking past his headache, he decided that the circumstances were good ones.

Then he saw that the vivacious, naked female body was Relena's, and he promptly screamed.

"Sounds like Sleeping Beauty has arisen..." Hiro observed through a mouthful of cereal.

"This should be fun," Duo said, an evil grin on his face. "Serves the creep right for stealing *my* sake!"

Approximately 4.39 seconds later, Wufei came charging into the kitchen wearing nothing but a bedsheet draped around his waist. It fluttered behind him as he ran past the kitchen table, and towards the hangar, mumbling something about paying penance to Nataku for his evil deeds. Not too long after, Relena--reeling from a headache--came stumbling into the kitchen, wearing Wufei's shirt and underwear. She looked so stupid and in pain that they couldn't help but laugh, and Trowa accidentally snorted a mouthful of Crispix up his nose in his glee.

Relena was perplexed. She didn't know where things had gone wrong. She had only meant to create the *illusion* that she had slept with Wufei in order to make Hiro jealous; the actual *action* had been beyond her intentions. Still, her one-track mind managed to give her a whisp of comfort: If Hiro knows that you actually did sleep with him, then he'll be even more jealous than before!!

"Um, hi there," she muttered, massaging her temples, in too much pain to be sexy.

"Yo," Hiro said, a weird smirk on his face. "Glad to see that you had fun last night. I should thank you for providing me with fun as well. Duo and I found your list rather entertaining." He whipped out the wrinkled piece of paper, and tossed it on the table.

Relena looked from Hiro to the paper to Hiro, and promptly grabbed her boob to check if the list was in her bra, like it was supposed to be. It wasn't, and she promptly puked and fainted.

Wufei came back in the room, muttering something about an animal sacrifice to Nataku. He looked at the pilots, saw Relena lying on the floor, and immediately picked her up. As he started to walk out again, Duo pulled out a mysterious object from his pocket and held it up. "One word, Wufei, before you roast Relena on a spit," he said. "Blackmail."

He looked at Duo, and saw that the Deathscythe pilot was holding a disposable camera. His eyes got huge (by anime standards) with shock. He hastily dropped Relena, pulled out his sword (no small feat, considering that he only had a bedsheet on), and proceeded to chase Duo around the house, screaming: "Injustice! INJUSTICE! I will have your head!!

Hiro looked to the floor, where Relena had hit her head on the ground and wasn't moving much anymore. He looked at Quatre, who was trying to resuscitate Trowa, who had suffocated on the cereal that went up his nose. He heard his lover being chased by a Queen of Hearts wannabe, and decided that he'd had enough for one day. "Notes to self," he muttered as he dumped the rest of his cereal in the garbage disposal. "Must destroy all sake-peddling liquor stores within a 2,000 mile radius. Buy an urn for Duo's ashes after Wufei kills him, then give that stupid Chinee a poisoned serving of General Tso's chicken. Scrap Nataku and Shinigami. Remodel Wing Zero with a new stealth system and a new triton weapon...busy day."

The End!!!

sake-Japanese rice wine (pronounced sa-ki)

gachooon-ass

And anyone who notices a strange resemblance between this story and my FF7 fanfic, "Somebody to Love", or even certain scenes in "In & Out"...that is a production of your own bored mind. Get a life.

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