"Love Potion #9"
a Gundam Wing Fanfic

by the Princess

**WARNING: foul language, shounen-ai, characters frequently OOC...**

"Love is friendship set on fire."

-old Welsh proverb

~Part 1~

I continued walking through the city, then stopped outside of a coffee shop. There were, even though it was getting close to 2 at night, clusters of people at the tables, drinking the marvelous caffeine-drink and fiddling around. More were inside.

Now was as good a time as any.

I went inside, and made a beeline for the bathroom. It was a unisex, and I had to wait for several minutes before the person inside came out--

"D'arcy!" I stumbled, my eyes getting wide. I knew I must have looked like the baka I was, with the color gone from my face and my mouth trying to say something intelligent. "Are you OK?"

>Smooth move, asshole!<

D'arcy looked at me, and blinked a few times, as though she were trying to place my face. Her agonizingly beautiful red hair was twisted back in a careless braid, a loose mockery of my own. Her face was pale and fine, with the kawaii freckles that she hated sprinkled over her nose (like God's spice) being the only thing interrupting its pale smoothness. Her big green eyes were bloodshot, but still the sort that you could fall into and drown in if you weren't too careful. She was a good deal shorter than me, about the same height I had been when I had been a Gundam pilot (I'd shot up over a foot since then). Her clothes were the same they'd been when she'd shown up at our door for her date with Hiro--flare jeans, clogs, and a baby t-shirt with butterflies on it--and she looked just as good then as she did now, but something was decidedly wrong. "Duo?" she finally said after I got through dissecting her beauty. "Is that you?"

"Hai," I said, smiling. "Are you--"

She smacked me across the face, knocking me back a few feet and drawing the attention of half the coffee bar. "You BAKA!!" she screamed, drawing the attention of the other half. "How could you have gotten me a date with that bastard? He left me out to dry!! I--it--"

"You said you were in love with him, remember?" I said, more harshly than I'd intended. "You said that in response to me when I asked you out. You didn't think he was such a bastard then."

She choked up with a sob. "I...I know...gomen, Duo...I'm not feeling too well right now..."

"Understandable. Tell you what. I've got to piss like a racehorse, so I'll do just that, and you sit down on one of those big, poofy chairs over there and wait for me. Then we'll both drown our troubles in caffeine, and you can tell me everything. Deal?"

She smiled. "Deal. I'm sorry I hit you."

"I'm used to it," I said, grinning in my lopsided way, then made my way into the bathroom and locked the door. Once there, I flicked open the metal tab on the box I'd gotten from Acchi Ikeyo Butsoyo, and opened it. There lay the twelve little spray bottles--six for me, six for Hiro, though God knew he didn't deserve a drop of it. I dug out a bottle, looked at it carefully, and realized that I had forgotten to ask the Gypsy just *where* the stuff was supposed to be applied. When I first saw them, I'd thought they were perfume bottles, so I guessed that was what they were for...even though it smelled nasty and acidic, like turpentine. I sprayed a black, foul-smelling mist on my wrists, and rubbed them together and then on my neck like I'd seen chicks do in movies; then I unzipped my fly and sprayed a little "down there" for luck. It couldn't hurt, after all.

When I was through treating myself, I looked at myself in the mirror, and wrinkled my nose in disgust. The stuff *reeked*, but I'd payed maybe $50 for it, and if it worked...I wouldn't complain.

I left the bathroom, and found D'arcy sitting on one of the poofy chairs, as per my orders. She was drinking a mug of hot cocoa and munching on a bagel; only when I saw her eat did I realize I had a bad case of the munchies. I went and got my own bagel, then settled down on the arm rest of her chair, and said: "Hiro told me what happened."

She choked up again; tears glistered in her magical eyes. "I figured. So he told you I used to be a hooker."

"Hai. Look, I don't think any less of you, if that's what you're afraid of."

"You're sweet." She shrugged. "I had to do what I had to do. It was survival, after my mother died, and damn if this isn't the S.O.S. that's been told for centuries. Anyhow, at the restaurant, my old pimp was dining. He wanted to bully up on Hiro, not because he wanted me back--I was never good at it, can you believe it?--but because he wanted to scare me. And Hiro, he just walked right on out...and that bastard looked at me, and laughed, and said: 'Well, things ain't changed too damn much. You still ain't good enough in the sack to hold down a man, D'arcy?'" A tear dropped down from her eyes and landed in the cream cheese on her bagel. "Nothing serious, or life-threatening, just a good old-fashioned mind-fuck is all...And the worst part of all? Can you guess?"

I could, but I chose to play dumb. "What?"

"I still love Hiro. Isn't that stupid? He walked out on me. He obviously doesn't give a damn about me. And if he wanted to ask me out again, even if all he wanted was sex, then I'd do it." She stared down into her chocolate. "I guess you think I'm pathetic."

"Not at all. All anybody ever wants in this world is a little love, somebody to love. And sometimes it means being in love so bad that it hurts, and you'd do anything for that person who doesn't and can never love you back, and that's just the way it goes."

"Boy, isn't that exactly right." She looked at me funny. "Duo?"

"Nani?"

"Are you wearing a new colonge?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"It doesn't suit you." Her nose wrinkled up in a perfect parody of me. "It smells kind of like paint thinner. You smell just fine without it."

I smiled, perfectly shielding the fact that she had just blindly ripped my heart out and thrown it to a pack of rabid wolves. "I think so, too. I was just wearing it on a dare. It's supposed to be an aphrodisiac."

"Ikemasen!" She laughed; it sounded like chimes. "You got cheated there, Duo!" Finished with her food and drink, she put down the plate and mug, then threw her arms around me and pulled me in her lap. She pinned me down and leaned so close, her coral lips a bare inch from mine, and said: "Oh, my darling Duo, that smell is *so* attractive! It makes me want to fuck you black and blue! I've always been attracted to a man who reeked of mineral spirits!" She then unceremoniously dumped me on the ground, then reached for the box, which I'd left on the armrest. "Ne, what's this?"

"The paint thinner," I said, grinning even wider, wishing I had a jacket that I could drape over my lap.

She flicked the lid open, and looked at the bottles. "Jeez, Duo, how *stupid* can you get?" she said jokingly. "Aphrodisiacs don't look like motor oil!"

We laughed together, and she gave it back to me, and I walked her back to her place, and she let me plant a little kiss right on the corner of her mouth. It was a friendly kiss, nothing more, but hell if it didn't mean something to me. She smiled when I pulled away, and said: "Now, next time, let's see if you can manage it without the erection," and slipped inside her apartment, leaving me blushing on the doorstep.

I went out on the street, and I growled a long series of the most vicious cuss words I knew as I went back to my apartment. The Gypsy had been a fake; a gyp, if you will, and I was out $50. I was in love with a girl who didn't love me back, who was in love with my best friend, and he in turn hated everybody. And I had a box full of twelve little jars of horse piss, for all the good they would do me.

Something made me hold on to that simple wooden box, though, and when I got back home and went to bed, I put it under my mattress.

In the morning, I called the Gypsy at the number on her business card, but there was only an answering machine: "Hello, you have reached Madame Acchi Ikeyo Butsoyo's magic shop. I am unavailable right now, but please leave your name and number and a message after the sound of the screeching monkey. And remember, always, that you should cross the river before you tell the crocodile that he has bad breath." After the beep (which *did* sound like a screeching monkey), I said: "Yeah, Butsoyo, this is Duo. I dropped in last night and you sold me your funky-looking, shitty-smelling love potion. Well, it didn't work. I sprayed it everywhere and I only ended up reeking, and God knows how long I'll have to shower to get the stink out of me. If you don't call me with an explanation in an hour, I'm gonna call up the first lawyer in the phone book and sue your stank establishment for more than you're worth." I recited our phone number, and glanced at the clock as I hung up. It was 9:09, and it was lucky for Hiro that he'd woken up first and gotten a shower, because I was probably going to use up all the hot water.

I turned on the shower, undid my hair, and hopped in. I turned it to as hot as I could possibly stand it, and stood there for a long time before I finally soaped, shampooed and conditioned. By the time I was out, dried, braided and dressed, an hour had passed. I went out of the bathroom; as soon as I set my foot on the carpet, the phone rang.

I looked at the clock. It was 10:09.

I picked the phone off the hook mid-ring. "Yo."

"Where did you spray it?" Acchi Ikeyo instantly demanded.

"Nani?"

"Where did you spray the love potion?"

"Uh..." I suddenly had to think. "My wrists, my neck, and my--never mind."

"Well, that was your problem," she said serenely. "The love potion was not meant to be *smelt*, it was meant to be *heard*! It's a breath spray. You spray it into your mouth, and it works its magic on your vocal chords. People who are suseptible to the guidelines I already told you will fall in love with you if they hear it. And by the way, you should know that the potion's power must be renewed once every hour. If you do not, then the person you are charming will become un-charmed, and once they are disenchanted, they will hate you, no matter what potions you might use, possibly forever."

"This is sounding more and more shitty by the minute," I grousled.

"But you have wished to be with that girl, D'arcy, just once, haven't you?"

Something caught in my throat. "How the hell did you know that?"

"I make it my business to be in the way of knowing. I'm a psychic, remember? Now, do you or don't you wish to be with D'arcy?"

"Of course I do."

"Then go for it. It would be worth it, don't you think? Just once..." She trailed off. "Let me know how it goes."

"Sure, OK," I said, and hung up without wanting to hear what else she had to say. It was crazy. There was no reason why I couldn't just black out the entire conversation I'd had with Acchi Ikeyo, or everything that had to do with the witch, and simply throw the love potion out the window.

But once...just once...

I hated to admit it, but it would be worth it. Even if she hated me in the morning, even if she never spoke to me again, or--worse--if she went running to Hiro, it would be worth it. God, yes, it'd be worth it.

Just once.

I suddenly realized that I had gone to my bed and pulled the box out from under the mattress, and I was lovingly stroking its smooth polished surface.

"What are you doing?" Hiro asked as he entered my room. "I wondered if you were ever going to come back last night. I got worried. I thought you were really mad at me about D'arcy."

"I was," I replied honestly.

He actually looked a little ashamed of himself; a little tinge of shame blushed in his cheeks. "Gomen. That was really shitty of me, wasn't it?"

"It was."

"She means a lot to you, doesn't she?"

"Hai."

"I'm sorry, man. But I don't see how I'm responsible for cleaning up her past."

That comment was so incredibly stupid that it didn't deserve an answer.

"What's in the box?"

I started thinking. I think I've said that thinking got a lot of folks in trouble, including me; but for once, I wanted to get someone else in trouble besides me. "Breath spray," I said, flipping the lid open. "Straight from India. I couldn't believe that the Indians were too keen on bodily cleanliness either, but the stuff is really powerful. Here." I pulled one out and tossed it to him.

He caught it on reflex, and looked at it suspiciously. "Looks nasty for breath spray."

"That's Indians for you."

"Urusai yo, before you get sued." He looked at me, his cobalt eyes glittering. "Ten bucks says you got gypped."

"Deal," I said, smirking.

He uncapped the little spray bottle, and sprayed a bad-smelling black mist into his mouth. He spluttered a moment, then coughed, then thoughtfully ran his tongue over his teeth. He opened his mouth to talk, but I remembered the Gypsy's warning about close friends, and I plugged up my ears, just in case. I could read his lips well enough, though: "Not a bad flavor. Nice and minty. You may be ten bucks richer, Duo."

"God knows I need it," I replied. "That was some expensive shit."

He laughed and left my room. Once I was sure he had left the apartment, I ran to the window and peered out.

It was simply beautiful.

After a minute (we lived on the 10th floor), Hiro emerged from the apartment building's front door. I noticed for the first time that he was dressed in his tux, for his job as a waiter. (How he had maintained a job which required people skills was beyond me.) He stood out on the street corner, looking around. The sidewalk was congested with people, and the street was congested with cars. He eventually spotted a taxi weaving its way through traffic, and raised his arm. I plugged my ears again, but I knew well enough that he was bellowing: "TAXI!"

Everything stopped. People on the sidewalk paused mid-step, and turned to look at Hiro. Cars which had their windows down came to a sudden halt, resulting in a few fender benders. The drivers and passengers (predominantly female) all rubbernecked at the Japanese boy. Women started to flock towards the shocked boy in droves, leaving their cars and their purchases and their husbands/boyfriends behind. They quickly surrounded him. He still had his arm raised to hail the taxi, his eyes wide with shock, as he looked at the females gathering around him. They were of all ages--from just-learned-to-walk to need-a-cane-to-walk. More than a few men also joined their ranks. Everyone was looking at Hiro with a lustful look in their eyes; a few were even licking their lips and giving him lewd lip puckers.

I still couldn't hear what he said, but I knew well enough that it was some version of: "What the hell is going on?" Regardless, the crowd went wild. Some women actually fainted. Those who remained closed in a tighter and tighter circle around Hiro. I didn't have to hear what they were saying to know that it was the sort of talk that would reduce Wufei to a blood fountain.

Hiro pulled out his pistol--I have never seen him leave home without it, it's his American Express card--and waved it threateningly, probably compounding his troubles with a strong dose of "Omae o korosu!" That did it; the wave of women simply washed over him, and I couldn't see him for the tangle of female bodies quickly getting naked.

I stared out of the window in shock, trying desperately to pick Hiro out of the crowd of horny men and women, but he was lost. Then I started laughing.

The stuff had caused the first orgy since Roman times, and I was glad to miss it.

After all, Hiro was *somewhere* down there, and I didn't want to be near him right now; he'd probably be madder than a warthog.

As I went to fix myself some breakfast, I started singing: "I didn't know if it was day or night/ I started kissing everything in sight/ But when I kissed the cop down on 34th and Vine/ He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Ni-i-i-i-ine!"

I got back from my work at Suncoast at about 6:00. By then, the orgie had completely dispersed, but I would never look at the sidewalk outside our building the same way again. I made myself a quick dinner of beef ramen and fell asleep watching TV on the couch.

I woke up looking down the barrel of a gun.

"Kuso!" I hollered, backing up reflexively against the couch. "What the--Hiro!"

Hiro's tux was hanging off his body in tatters. He was splattered with a few bodily liquids which I did not want to consider. His face was as pale as a corpse's, except for a high-riding flush on his cheekbones which were the by-product of pure fury. His eyes were practically boiling in his head, he was so pissed. "Duo," he said in a soft voice, "what the FUCK did you slip me in that 'breath spray'!?!?"

"Don't kill me don't kill me don't kill me!" I quickly spilled my guts, telling the whole story in under 30 seconds. "...So you don't need to worry about any of those people coming after you and raping you," I finished. "They're over it by now."

He looked genuinely dumbfounded. He lowered the gun. "This is a love potion that *works*?"

"So-dane."

"And you didn't *tell* me what it did? You let me make an ass of myself? Why?"

"I didn't know if it'd work. I made an ass of myself last night, too, if it makes you feel better." I told him about my experience at the coffee shop with D'arcy. "I had no clue if this Acchi Ikeyo was completely off her nut or not, and I sure as hell didn't want to test it on myself...and *don't* try and tell me that you wouldn't have done the same to me!"

He thought for a second, then holstered the gun. "You're right. I would have done that to you, too. So what do we do now? We have the perfect aphrodisiac. We can have any woman we want."

"What's this 'we' business all of a sudden? I've been trying to get you dates with boins who didn't *need* an aphrodisiac, cuz they were already crazy in love with you!"

Hiro looked embarrassed. It was a first. "It's not that I don't like women..."

"Then what is it?" There were definitely moments when I hated Hiro's guts, but there were other moments when I was inches from falling in love with him, and this was one of those times...when he wasn't trying to be a soldier, or a hard, unfeeling bastard. In those moments when he was open and vunerable for once, when I knew for a fact that he really did trust me and like me as a friend...it was those moments when I would nearly decide that I wanted to be more than friends with him. They always passed, and I always wondered later what I was thinking when they occured, but in those moments, it seemed to make perfect sense.

"I'm just not as comfortable with people as you are, Duo."

"Excuse me? What did I just hear? Did Hiro Yui just admit that Duo Maxwell has a skill which he does not, and he *covets* said skill? My God, isn't that the Seventh Seal? Hayata, look outside and see if the moon is turning into blood!"

"Shut up. You're lucky I haven't killed you yet." He sat down on the couch next to me. "It's true, though," he went on. "I mean, you talk to easily to people. They *like* you. I know that you hate me sometimes because I spurn all these girls, but it's just because I really don't know what do to with myself. I've never kissed anybody, never even really gotten a hug. I just...stiffen up. You know?"

I was truly surprised. He was being extremely open, for Hiro. It was more than he'd ever told me about himself...that he was a caring person, but he couldn't help but wear the soldier's mask. I got that old feeling again, that warning feeling when I got closer to loving him, but I ignored it and hugged him anyhow. He did stiffen up, but I didn't care. "Believe me," I said, letting him go, "from what I've seen of this stuff, you'll be able to find plenty of girls to teach you...but, please...*don't* spray on as much as you did this morning!"

He laughed, but looked a little uncomfortable, like he thought I was going to kiss him or something. Lord knows I got the urge, and when he went to his room to get some real clothing on, I smacked myself in the forehead in disgust.

>Remember, it's D'arcy you care about! D'ARCY! That's who you're calling tonight!<

I went to my room, got one of the magic bottles, and very lightly sprayed a little into my mouth. Then I reached for the phone, and dialed D'arcy's number.

It was time to work some magic.

Disclaimer

The Gundam boys and anything pertaining to Gundam Wing belong to the creators of the show, not to me, no matter how hard I wish. They are being used without permission for fun, not profit. If you don't know this, then you are a sad sack of shit. Go crawl under a rock and wither up and die. Also, "Love Potion #9" (the movie and the song ) belongs to their writers, and not me; any semblances between the plot of this fanfic and that movie were done very much intentionally. Don't worry, similarities are rarer than you'd think.

In contrast, D'arcy, Acchi Ikeyo Butsoyo, and any characters not belonging to the Gundam franchise are mine, and may not be used without my permission (God only knows why anyone would want to use them, but...). If you do use them without asking me first, I'm going to get Acchi Ikeyo (which, incidently, means "Go away!") to put a curse on you so nasty that I don't even know what would happen...

On to Part 2

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