31-Mar-2000
Disclaimers: only Pern is mine, everything else isn't.
Pern: Okay, is everyone ready?
Treize: I think so.
Wufei: I REFUSE to wear this costume!
Pern: You don't have a choice. We drew straws and you're Ape.
Wufei: This is an injustice.
Pern: Deal with it okay? ::glares at him::
Treize: Director, are you sure about the choice of narrator?
Pern: It'll be fine. Don't worry.
Treize: I'm not entirely sure...
Pern glares at Treize and pulls out a gun from Heero's Spandex
Space:: I AM THE DIRECTOR AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO
OR I'LL GET CRANKY!
Trowa from somewhere backstage: Will you please not make her
cranky!
Quatre and Relena from that same somewhere backstage: PLEASE!!!
Pern: Okay. Let's get started before anyone has any more
objections. ::coughs:: Narrator, if you please.
Narrator: Alright.
::curtain rises::
Narrator: This is the continent of Africa. ::a colorful map of Africa appears:: It is here in the deepest, darkest part of the heart of Africa that our story begins. You see there was a plane flying over the deepest, darkest part of the heart of Africa, and it ran into some trouble. No one knows what exactly happened, a terrorist bomb, an off target missile, they ran out of gas, or maybe there was something unusual in the coffee the pilots drank. Anyway, the plane crashed. There was but one survivor, a tiny baby boy with violet eyes and chestnut hair. This baby was adopted by a band of gorillas, who for some reason, wanted to deal with the constant chattering thing. God knows why. ::cue Duo of the Jungle theme song::
Duo, Duo, Duo of the Jungle,
strong as he can be.
Whooooooooo
Watch out for that tree!
Duo, Duo, Duo of the Jungle
Lives a life that's free.
Whooooooooo
Watch out for that tree!When he gets in a scrape,
He makes his escape
with the help of his friend,
an ape named Wufei ape!Then a-way he'll schlep
on his elephant Scythe
While Heero and Relena
Stay in step.Duo, Duo, Duo of the Jungle,
Friend to you and me.Whooooooooo
Watch out for that tree!
Narrator: It has been 15 years since that fateful plane crash and the baby has grown into a young man. But, we'll get back to that later. In the mean time, let's concentrate our attention on a tiny group of people hiking towards Ape Mountain, the home of our hero.
Relena in a whiny voice: How much farther is it?
Guide Noin: Not much farther. If you look to your right you'll see Ape Mountain.
Heero: Hn. ::thinks to himself:: How dare she follow me to Africa. I thought I could get rid of her! But she found me anyway. I should have known. I should have killed her when I had the chance back at that last ravine.
Relena: Isn't this a beautiful place Heero? Heero?
Heero: Hn.
Narrator: As this intrepid group wanders through the jungle, the guide regales them with the tale of the "white ape".
Guide Noin: There is a story in these parts about a great white ape that lives amongst the gorillas. No one has ever gotten a clear look at it, but it is said to have a long chestnut mane.
Relena: Sounds interesting, but my fiancé and I are here to see the parrots, not gorillas. ::Heero cringes as she has decided what they're here to look at and not him. Dammit! He wanted to go look at gorillas.::
::Suddenly a large lion appeared.::
Lion: growl, snarl, roar.
Pern: A little more emotion Trowa. You need to be believable!
Trowa Lion: .. ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guide Noin: Oh, my god! A lion. Since they are a protected species we can't shoot it. I suggest we run. ::Noin and Relena run like hell, Heero just stares at the Trowa Lion. Trowa Lion stares back. A staring contest ensues until the director stalks out, exchanges a few harsh words with both, then in an effort to show Trowa Lion how to act, jumps Heero. They wrestle for a moment until the tell tale call of the Jungle King breaks them up.::
Duo: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::Duo swings down on vine, drops to the ground. He's only wearing a leopard skin lion cloth and a smirk. He sets about "rescuing" Heero from the director. It takes five minutes to drag her off. Trowa Lion watches the whole, thing, but doesn't help. Finally, both he and the director leave Duo and Heero alone on stage so that the scene can continue.::
Duo helping Heero up: OI! Are you all right? ::Heero stares at the guy only wearing a leopard skin loincloth. He hasn't seen that much of a man ever. It's too much and he passes out.:: "Well, I guess he isn't. Better take him back to my pad. ::scoops up Heero, grabs vine and swings away. Unfortunately he isn't paying attention and smacks his head on a low flying branch. Thankfully, Duo, Jungle King, has hit lots of branches, trees, and rocks over the years and it doesn't faze him much::
::interior shot of Duo's jungle abode. Heero is laying in the middle of a huge feather bed. He is covered with a light blanket. Duo paces about while Wufei Ape opens a bottle of aspirin::
Wufei Ape: Maxwell, will you please stop pacing. Here, take this aspirin.
Duo takes aspirin: I can't help it. I mean the guy just fainted. You know he doesn't look like a gorilla, what is he?
Wufei Ape trying to unzip his gorilla costume: That is a human male. He's the same species as you.
Duo: Oh, you mean I'm not a gorilla?
Wufei Ape: No. ::grumbles to side:: I hate this stupid costume.
Duo: Ne, Wufei.I mean Ape.If he and I are the same species, then there must be more of me.
Wufei Ape: God I hope not! Errr.I mean, yes, there must be more humans.
Duo decidedly: Good, then I'll ask him when he gets up. ::Heero stirs in the bed. He'd been hearing voices, but he thought it was a dream. Cracking his eyes open, he looked about him. He is in a very nice bed. It is big and comfy. The room is large and at the doorway Heero sees the arguers. One is male about his age with a long chestnut braid running the length of his back. The other appeared to be a gorilla. They were talking. Heero suddenly wondered what exactly was in that vaccine Dr. J had insisted on giving him before he left.::
Duo: Great you're up! ::he bounds over to the bedside:: I'm Duo, Jungle King. This is my pad, you're welcome to stay as long as you want. That's Ape, he's my friend, teacher, and so forth. How's your head feeling? You fainted kinda suddenly, so I was wondering if you'd hit your head. Anyway, dinner will be served in a bit. Feel free to look about, just watch your first step when you leave.
Heero: ...? Does he always talk this much?
Wufei: That's moderate. You should see what happens when he really gets going. ::Heero's eyes widen. He's talking to a gorilla and it is talking back::
Duo puts his hand on Heero's forehead: Nope, no fever. Come on. I'll show you around. Oh, I didn't ask you your name.
Heero: Heero. ::thinks:: What have I gotten myself into? :: is dragged out of bed by Duo and is taken on a tour of the pad.
Narrator: To save time, I'll summarize the next few days. Duo showed Heero the wonders of the jungle. The waterfalls, the animals, the plants, and the series of underground caverns that would make an ideal place for hiding Gundams, but they're not in this story, so I won't speak of them again. Duo even taught a very reluctant Heero how to swing on vines, minus some minor mishaps, it went fine. Anyway, Duo began to realize that he felt funny every time he was around Heero. Not having experienced anything like this before, the Jungle King turned to his friend and teacher, Wufei Ape.
Duo: Ape, I need to talk to you.
Wufei Ape who is polishing a sword: Yes?
Duo feeling uncomfortable: I've been feeling strange every time I'm around Heero. ::Wufei Ape raises an eyebrow. The silence allows Duo to continue:: I also keep having these strange dreams...
Wufei Ape: STOP! I don't want to know. ::clears throat and puts hand on Duo's shoulder:: I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees.
Duo: But I already know about them. Birds fly, bees make honey. ::Wufei Ape shakes his head::
Wufei Ape: That's not what I meant. I mean, sex.
Duo: Oh.
Narrator: And so they had their little discussion.
Pern: HEY! Who told you that you could cut out that bit of the script?!
Narrator: I don't want to hear about it!
Pern: TOUGH! ::there are sounds of papers being rustled followed by the click of a mike being turned off:: Continue boys.
::Wufei and Duo sweatdrop::
Wufei Ape: You see sometimes a member of one species releases pheromones that another of the same species picks up. If they are receptible to each others pheromones, then they perform mating rituals and eventually copulate.
Duo: So you're saying that Heero is releasing specific chemical pheromones that I'm receptive to. So now I must perform a mating ritual to make him my mate? ::Wufei Ape nods:: Then we can copulate. What does copulate mean?
Wufei Ape: I don't know, it's in the script.
Pern: Come on, THINK! What could it mean! ::both Duo and Wufei turn red::
Wufei Ape: Where did you find that word?
Pern: My science book "Pregnancy and Parturition". ::holds up text book, entire cast sweatdrops::
Duo recovering: So now I must find Heero and perform some sort of mating ritual. How would I do that?
Wufei Ape: Wine and dine him. You know, chocolates, flowers, promises you don't intend to keep...::sudden sweatdrop as realizes where that line came from and wishes the director hadn't watched Disney movies when she was younger::
Duo: Okay! I'll make Heero a dinner like he's never had! ::bounds off to kitchen, while Wufei Ape grabs for the phone book and looks up restaurants that deliver to Ape Mountain::
Narrator: Unfortunately Duo would never have a chance to serve his potential mate dinner. For at that moment Heero was out walking about trying to sort out his thoughts. You see he found himself attracted to the Jungle King. The problem was he was still engaged to Relena. If he'd killed her earlier he wouldn't be having this problem. After all Duo was a better catch. He was gorgeous, didn't mind wearing natural fibers, and looked so sexy in that loincloth! As he wandered back towards the jungle pad, he heard a familiar voice.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ::Heero freezes::
Heero: No, not her. Not now. ::Relena appears with Guide Noin, Trapper Zechs and Treize whom she has hired to help find her missing fiancé::
Relena: Heero! You're safe! ::she runs over to hug him, but she's cut off though by a scythe weilding boy in only a loincloth::
Duo: Not so fast. Who do you think you are? This is my turf. ::standing between Relena and Heero::
Relena: I'm Relena Peacecraft and am his fiancée.
Trapper Zechs to Trapper Treize: Is that the legendary "white ape"? If it is, I think we've been tricked by that guy with the big nose back in town.
Trapper Treize: It appears so. The "white ape" is a human.
Relena: Get away from Heero, you crazy primitive! ::she shoves Duo aside to get to Heero. Suddenly all sorts of sirens blare:: What the?
Wufei Ape: Oh, you shouldn't have done that. You see, he's an endangered species and you've now injured him.
Relena: I only shoved him! He's the one holding the scythe!
Wufei Ape: Doesn't matter. By law you are to be retained in this country until you've served your sentence. Justice will be served. ::Relena's face falls as Sally and Catherine appear to drag her off to prison::
Trapper Treize to Trapper Zechs: Hmm.That ape can talk. I believe we can use him. Think of the money we could make with him in Vegas.
Trapper Zechs: Enough to fix our mobile suits.
::Treize nods::
Heero: Duo?
Duo: I'm fine. ::looks at Heero::
Heero: No you're not. ::takes him by the arm and drags him to the nearest airport. Duo protests the entire time::
Narrator: So now the Jungle King is off with Heero to Heero's home of San Francisco. What will Duo discover in this steel and concrete jungle? Will his romance with Heero blossom? Will Dr. J accept his son's choice in brides? Will Relena be released from prison and will Zechs and Treize capture Wufei Ape? Tune in later for Act II.
A pic of Jungle Duo by Madam Blue!
Pern: Okay everyone. Get ready for act II. Quatre coming next
to her: Director, how come I didn't get a part in act I?
Pern: I'm so sorry Quatre. ::can't help being supper nice to the
Arab pilot:: There was no other part in the script. I promise
you'll have more stage time this act.
Quatre: Really? ::uses Quatre sparkling eyes T:: Trowa too?
Pern: Yes, Trowa too. Now why don't you run along back stage and
get ready?
Quatre: Sure. ::runs off::
Pern: Ukyu! Let's start the show!
Narrator: Duo and Heero have arrived in Heero's hometown of San Francisco. Heero is exhausted as has spent the last fourteen hours in a cramped plane with a very excited jungle boy who can't remember the last time he was on a plane.
Duo: I was really little. There were lots of screaming people and a fire! ::Narrator sweatdrops::
Narrator: Anyway, ::coughs:: as I was saying, Heero had spent the last fourteen hours listening to Duo chatter and had been forced to answer EVERY question. If he didn't Duo would repeat the question until he got an answer. Needless to say, by the time they arrived at Heero's apartment, Heero was zonked.
Heero entering his apartment: This is my apartment.
Duo streaking past him to look out the window: WOW! You're tree is REALLY high. It's made out of that funny metal stuff just like the airplane, ne? Hey, I bet you get great resonance out here. ::opens window::
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!
::Heero rushes over and grabs the braided Jungle King and drags his head back inside.::
Heero: We don't do that.
Duo: Why?
Heero: It attracts unwanted attention. ::he narrows his eyes:: I think you need a shower.
Duo: But I just bathed last week. ::Heero tosses Duo into the shower, turns it on and leaves him while he goes to call a friend::
Quatre on other end of phone: Hello?
Heero: Quatre.
Quatre: Heero? You're back from Africa? Did Relena find you?
Heero: Hn.::silence:: ... ::more silence:: Quatre I need some help. I brought someone home with me. He saved my life, but I don't think my father will approve.
Quatre: Because of Relena?
Heero: Because he was raised by apes.
Quatre: Oh. ::silence:: Does he know about clothes?
Heero: He's running around in only a leopard skin loincloth. ::Quatre's eyebrows raise.
Quatre: I see. Does he know how to talk?
Heero: YES. He won't shut up. ::Quatre sweatdrops::
Quatre: Do you want me to come over?
Heero: .. ::Duo slips out of shower wearing absolutely nothing and sneaks up behind Heero. He drapes his wet body over Heero's shoulder. Heero's nose immediately begins to bleed.:: PLEASE!
::later::
Quatre stares at Duo who is now dressed in a pair of Heero's spandex and a tank top.: I see we are definitely going to have to take him shopping.
Duo, staring back at Quatre: Shopping?
Quatre: Yeah, you don't look right for some reason, wearing Heero's clothes. Don't you agree Heero? Heero?
::Heero is passed out on his couch::
Heero: Hn. Quatre could you take him? I have to go see my father, Dr. J. ::grimaces and mutters:: He's not my real father.
Pern snarls at him: It's only for the story. ::Heero scowls::
Quatre taking a hold of Duo: Come on. It looks like he's got a headache. Why don't we leave and let him rest? ::Drags Duo quickly out of the apartment::
Narrator: Duo and Quatre went shopping while Heero went to confront his "father", Dr. J. Meanwhile, back in the jungle, Wufei Ape was having problems adjusting to Duo's absence.
Wufei Ape facing audience: You'd think I'd be glad he's gone, but I'm not. The jungle is just too quiet. The only good part is that that Relena person is still in jail. ::suddenly Sally appear::
Sally: I'm afraid that Relena Darlian has been released from prison.
Wufei Ape: How?
Sally: They checked the books and apparently she's an endangered species too. Heirs to the Sank Kingdom are hard to come by. And there is this little clause that says if one endangered species injures another endangered species, there are no arrests because it's all-natural.
Wufei Ape: There is no justice.
Narrator: So Relena hopped the next plane back to California in hopes of catching up with her wayward fiancé. Hopefully she'd be in time for the wedding. Meanwhile, Heero, not knowing his fiancée was on her way back was talking to Dr. J.
Dr. J: So you have abandoned your mission?
Heero: No, just altered it. ::Dr. J is taken aback::
Dr. J: Your mission was to marry Relena Darlian.
Heero: Hai. I accepted it at the time, but I have decided to change the mission.
Dr. J: The engagement party is tonight.
Heero: Hai.
Dr. J: You will announce your intentions to marry in two days.
Heero: Hai. ::he turns to leave::
Dr. J: You will marry in two days time Heero. Relena will be back, that girl always finds a way. ::Heero begins to leave when he notices something on TV::
Narrator: Now before we tell you what Heero saw, we need to rewind and talk about the shopping expedition. First Quatre and Duo wandered through all the clothing stores and finally after two hours found some clothes that Duo looked good in. Considering he was partial to black, most of his clothes were in that color. Then while Quatre was paying for the clothes, hoping Heero would pay him back, Duo spotted something of interest. That something was a car full of chocolate Easter Bunnies bound for an orphanage. Duo liking both chocolate and orphans, cause he was an orphan too, followed the car. He wound up helping the young girl with short black hair who owned the car, hand out the Easter treat to all the boys and girls. After which all the little kids decided that he was their knew best friend and wanted piggy back rides.
Duo spent an hour with the kids before the girl drove him back to the shopping center. On their way back they ran into a traffic jam. Duo hopped out and said he'd walk back. As he was walking back, he decided to take a detour and climb the Golden Gate Bridge. As he started climbing it, he noticed a parachutist was tangled up in the bridge lines. The man was in trouble, so Duo decided to help. He climbed to the top, grabbed a conveniently placed rope attached to the bridge and rescued the chutist.
Duo: To swing or not to swing. He, he..
Narrator: Can I finish?
Duo: Sure
Narrator: So Duo swung down, grabbed a hold of the chutist, untangled him from the lines and the two of them swung down to safety. Everyone was amazed that Duo had managed to do it, even if he did hit his head on that fire truck ladder. And that is the scene that Heero and Dr. J saw on the TV. Duo rescuing the guy and smacking his head against the ladder. Not the best of first impressions.
Heero: I need to go. NOW. ::runs out door::
::later::
::Duo is now dressed in a nice suit, complete with tie. Quatre is standing on one side, Heero on the other. They're not about to let him escape again::
Heero: Dr. J is waiting for me to make my announcement about the wedding. I'll be back in ten minutes. Duo, stay out of trouble.
Duo: Trouble? Don't worry. I won't cause any trouble. ::looks about him, notices the paddock full of white, gray, and palomino horses:: Cool! Horses!
Heero: Quatre please keep an eye on him.
Quatre: You're going to pay me back for all the stuff I bought him, right?
Heero: Hai. ::watches Duo drag Quatre off towards the horses so he can get a better look.::
Narrator: Duo likes horses? I didn't know that.
Pern: It's in the script, now shhhhhhhhhhh.
Heero walks into house: I need to tell Dr. J that I don't want to marry Relena. I want to marry Duo. Even if he is a chatterbox and enjoys swinging from high places. ::pauses as a very hentai thought crosses his mind::
Pern: Psst.Heero, your next line. ::Heero continues to have hentai thoughts:: Heero? ::no movement, pulls out dart gun and spit wads. Nails Heero in the rear::
Heero glares at her: I love him.
Dr. J: Ah, Heero, there you are. There is someone that would like to have a word with you. ::Heero looks up and then goes sheet white.
Relena: Heero! ::glomps him:: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
::outside in the horse paddocks. A large crowd has gathered to watch Duo and the horses. Duo is in the middle of the horses lunging them. He uses no whip, but merely his presence to throw them into a frenzy. They canter and trot about him. Their sleek bodies moving gracefully as they turn. Duo too is graceful as he moves them from one side of the paddock to the other. He is totally into communicating with these magnificent beasts::
Trowa: Magnificent.
Quatre: Beautiful.
Trowa: Where did you saw Heero found him?
Quatre: Africa.
Trowa: Do you think he'd notice if we borrowed him for an evening?
Quatre: TROWA!
Trowa: I've always wanted to try a threesome.
Quatre: ....
::Duo looks up at the great mansion where he knows Heero is. He knew the party had something to do with marriage. As he stares he notices Heero on a balcony. He looks red. Suddenly a woman, the same woman who had dared to claim to be Heero's fiancée, came out on the balcony. She grabbed a hold of Heero in a tight hug and kissed him. Duo stopped dead. He couldn't believe it. Heero made no move to try to escape and the kiss lasted several minutes. Noticing Duo had stopped Trowa looked up and saw what Duo saw. His jaw dropped.::
Trowa: Relena and Heero? ::Quatre's head snapped up::
Quatre: Kissing? Oh, no. Duo. ::Quatre turned back to see that Duo was gone:: He's gone. TROWA! We need to find him! I bet he saw them too. I'll go find Duo, you go tell Heero! ::Trowa nodded, they separate::
Narrator: While the two friends went to find the Jungle King and Heero, back in Africa Wufei Ape was about to have the worst day of his life.
Trapper Treize: Look, there he is. The talking ape.
Trapper Zechs: All right. The tranquilizer gun is ready, just let me get a clear shot at him.
Wufei Ape, who is oblivious to the danger present: Let's see, I've vacuumed the tree house, replanted the flower garden, sharpened the knives, and polished all the silverware. What is next on the Spring-Cleaning list?
Trapper Treize: If he would just turn a bit to the right, you'd have a perfect shot.
Trapper Zechs smiling: I know. Then all our money problems will be over. ::Wufei Ape turned a bit to the right::
Narrator: Is it really the perfect shot for Zechs? Will Wufei Ape escape his foes? Will Duo and Heero get back together and sort out their misunderstanding? Will Trowa get to borrow Duo for a little manége a trios with Quatre? Will Relena win Heero over in the end or will Duo win out? Stay tuned for Act III.
Here it is! The final act! Now all truths will be revealed!
Duo: Can I keep the loincloth now that we're done?
Um....::thinks about it::...
Duo: Pern????
Pern glomps Duo and carries him and his loincloth off: Only if
you're in it!
Duo: HEERO HELP!
Pern: Whew! We made it through the first two acts with little
trouble. ::glances over shoulder:: Wufei, will you stop fiddling
with you're costume.
Wufei: It itches onna. ::Pern rolls her eyes::
Pern: Only one more act, then you can take it off. I promise.
::Wufei grumbles::
Zechs: Pern-san, I would like to inform you that Duo is eating
all the shrimp off the snack platter. Actually, he and Treize are
competing to see who can fill up their plate first.
Pern yells: DUO! TREIZE! GET AWAY FROM THE SHRIMP! TREIZE YOU
NEED TO GET YOUR HIENY OUT ON STAGE NOW!
Treize and Duo from backstage at the snack table: HAI!
Relena and Sally: DIRECTOR! THEY'RE NOT LISTENING!
::Pern sees red, borrows Wufei's sword and stalks backstage::
Zechs turning to Wufei: I think she's ticked.
Wufei: What was your first clue?
Narrator: Let's get started. ::sounds of a scuffle from backstage followed by some screams and someone shouting omae o korosu.:: Oh dear..
Zechs gleefully: Don't worry, Treize will be out in a sec. Go ahead.
::Narrator nods::
Narrator: With the Duo, Jungle King, gone two intrepid poachers have entered the sanctuary of Ape Mountain with the desire to capture Wufei Ape, the talking Ape.
Wufei: It's just a costume! ::scratches itch:: And it's giving me a rash! ::Narrator sweatdrops::
Trapper Zechs: I have you in my sight now. ::aims tranquilizer gun::
Trapper Treize pushed out onto stage behind Trapper Zechs with a plate full of shrimp: Shrimp?
Trapper Zechs: No thank you, maybe after I've SHOT the talking gorilla.
Trapper Treize shrugs and puts plate down: Do it. ::Trapper Zechs fires and Wufei Ape is hit. He staggers and falls to his knees::
Wufei Ape: KISAMA! You shot me! ::begins to wobble:: I hate to say it, but I'm going to need Duo to get out of this. Quick Tooky Tooky Bird, get Duo.
::Silence, followed by Wufei sweatdropping::
Um.Director, where's the Tooky Tooky Bird?
Pern: Um..I ..forgot ..to..cast..one. ::Wufei's eyes narrow:: Hold on! ::reappears wearing a feathered cape and a black baseball cap with an orange bill:: Okay. Ready. ::Entire cast sweatdrops::
Wufei Ape: Tooky Tooky Bird.I can't believe you...err...get Duo. ::Pern nods::
Pern: Tooky, Tooky! ::Runs off stage::
Trapper Treize: She needs help.
Trapper Zechs: Well, at least we have a Tooky Tooky Bird. Come, we must now claim our prize.
Trapper Treize with a wolfish smile: Yes. We must.
Narrator: With great determination Tooky Tooky Pern flew to San Francisco to find Duo. Of course she flew first class, only the best for her. She arrived in San Francisco and after stopping to ask for directions, she found Heero's apartment. Duo was busily packing the clothes Quatre had bought.
Duo: I should have known. He was just being friendly. What was I thinking? He has a fiancée after all! Baka! Baka! BAKA!
Pern: Tooky Tooky!
::Duo looks up to see Pern perched on the balcony. He walks through the open door to her.::
Duo: Tooky Tooky Pern! ::snicker:: What are you doing here? (in that ridiculous costume?)
Pern: (Shut up or I'll snip off the braid.) Tooky Tooky!
Duo: WHAT? Ape is in trouble?
Pern: Tooky Tooky!!!
Duo: Cute looking poachers caught him!
Pern: Tooky Tooky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Duo: You're right! I must save him before they have their wicked way with him!
Pern: Tooky Tooky.
Duo: Oh, you made arrangements for me to fly back immediately? First class? Cool. What's the movie?
Pern: Tooky Tooky.
Duo. I haven't seen that. Let me get my luggage. ::grabs suitcase and follows Tooky Tooky Pern out the door:: You know maybe I should leave a note for Heero.nah. He's busy with Relena. Lead the way Tooky Tooky Pern! To the airport!
Narrator: So while Tooky Tooky Pern and Duo sipped virgin margaritas and watched the in flight movie, Heero, Trowa, and Quatre rushed back to Heero's apartment. When they found Duo not there, but all his clothes gone, they surmised what had taken place.
Heero: He's gone.
Quatre: How rude, he didn't even leave a note!
Trowa: It is most likely that he was too upset.
Heero: Where could he have gone?
Trowa: The one place he knows he is truly loved. Home.
Heero: Africa.
Quatre: You better go after him. There's no telling what that poor jungle boy is doing right now. ::eyes go all quivery:: He's probably drowning his sorrows in alcohol.
Narrator: Duo orders another round of margaritas, with alcohol this time. Tooky Tooky Pern tells him there will be no drinking in this fic and tells the stewardess to make them virgin.
Heero: This is because of Relena. If she hadn't.
::Heero stops. Suddenly determined to get his one true love back, he leaves the room::
Quatre: Heero if you need a car DON'T TAKE MINE!
Trowa: OR MINE! ::Turning to Quatre:: You know he drives like a maniac.
Quatre: I don't think he could drive a tank without blowing it up or crashing it.
Narrator: Heero stole the nearest car, which happened to thankfully be some poor sods and neither Trowa nor Quatre's and raced to the airport. He took out several guards, a pilot, two mechanics, and fourteen tourists, then stole a small plane. He was bound and determined to get to Africa and talk to Duo. Meanwhile, Relena worried about Heero's sudden departure from their engagement party and went to find him. She used her "Heero Radar T" and found him heading for Africa. She called for her private jet and gave chase. As they flew, Duo was already on the ground and on his way to save his friend.
Duo: Ah. Back home at last. Now, Tooky Tooky Pern, let's go get those poachers! ::looks up:: A white plane being chased by a pink one? You don't see that every day. To Ape Mountain with us!
::Duo and Pern run to Ape Mountain.::
::At Ape Mountain::
Trapper Treize: The map says that we must go this way. ::he points::
Trapper Zechs with Wufei Ape in a cage: Are you sure? The last time we followed the map it lead us in circles around this mountain.
Trapper Treize sighing: I was reading the signs on the roadside, not the map. Come to think of it, the map and the signs don't match. ::regards Wufei Ape warily:: You don't know anything about that do you?
Wufei Ape looking VERY innocent: Who? Me? Don't be ridiculous.
Trapper Treize looks up at Trapper Zechs: Let us try this again, shall we?
Trapper Zechs: I guess so. ::They begin towing the cage, which is on wheels, down path.::
Wufei Ape: Maxwell better show up to rescue me soon. Damn stupid costume! Great! Now the rash is spreading! ::itches some more::
::Zechs and Treize ignore the grumbling ape as they wander about in the jungle. Suddenly they hear something::
Heero: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Duo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
::a shadow flies through the trees. It's Duo! He swings from vine to vine in an attempt to cut off the two poachers and save his friend. He crashes into a tree, slides down the trunk and lands on the ground. Recovering quickly, he turns to face the poachers::
Duo: All right you poachers! Let my Wufei go!
Trapper Treize: YOUR Wufei. I think not.
Wufei Ape: Get me out of here NOW! ::suddenly an unfamiliar scream is heard followed by several shots being fired:: What the hell was that?
Trapper Zechs: I don't know.
Pern: Tooky Tooky!
Duo: What Tooky Tooky Pern? You know who screamed? Pern: Tooky Tooky!
Duo: HEERO? You say it's Heero and he's come to Africa because he really does love me and that Relena won't leave him alone. That she has been pursuing him into the deepest darkest heart of Africa and now has managed to render him unconscious so that she may find the nearest Justice of the Peace? That they are now at this moment is a bright pink limousine heading into town.
Everyone: ??????????
Trapper Treize: You understood her?
Trapper Zechs: And she said all that?
Duo: Yes! ::he runs off leaving Zechs, Treize, Wufei, and Pern standing there::
Wufei Ape: HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?
Trapper Treize: You've been abandoned. ::he smiles and he and Zechs close in on Wufei. Wufei snarls::
Narrator shuffling through the script: Ah...Duo raced to save his beloved. Relena and Heero were going west doing about eighty in Relena's pink limousine. Heero wasn't sure what Relena had used to knock him out, but it was strong. He'd finally taken a couple shots at her after months of threatening do so. Unfortunately, he'd apparently missed. Finding himself in the pink monstrosity with Relena running her fingers through his hair, Heero quickly plotted his escape.
Relena: Oh, you're up. We're almost to the highway. There is this lovely little wedding chapel, which I've already called and they are waiting for us.
Heero. Hn. ::tests door and finds it locked.::
Relena: After we are married we will go to my kingdom where there will be no war, no weapons, and no explosives. ::Heero tries the door again hoping it'll open:: We'll have seven children. Four girls, who will be exactly like me. ::Heero starts kicking the door:: And three precious little boys, who'll look just like their daddy. ::Heero kicks the door harder.:: Everyday we'll walk in the gardens and you'll bring me breakfast in bed on our anniversary. ::The door finally gives in and flies open. Heero throws himself out of the speeding car. He rolls and comes up on his feet. Relena cries out and orders the car to stop. Heero prepares for the final battle::
Relena: Heero? What are you doing? ::a dark shadow appears over them. Something big and metal lands between Heero and Relena::
Duo from inside Death Scythe: I warned you earlier about being on my turf. Now you're going to PAY! SHINIGAMI LIVES!!!!!!!!!
Relena in total shock: A GUNDAM!
Narrator to Pern: I thought there weren't any Gundam in this fic.
Pern: Elephants are hard to rent and are messy, besides if it makes him happy...
Duo: That's right! Now get away from my Heero.
Relena: Yours!?
Duo: That's right! I love him and I won't let you have him!
Relena: Heero. Do you love this MALE more than me?
Heero:...
Relena: Heero?!
Heero: I.
Duo: He does otherwise he wouldn't have come to Africa after me!
Relena turning to Heero: Is that true?
Heero: I..lo...
Relena: Well?
Heero narrows his eyes and draws out his gun: I love Duo! There I've said it, now leave me the F&*% ALONE!
::Duo cheers, Relena is in shock::
Relena: No..It can't be..You're my "little prince"..::she crumples to the ground. Duo climbs out of Deathscythe and rushes to embrace Heero:: Everyone hates me...Heero, ... Duo,... my brother,...
I don't. ::Relena looks up at the sound of a strangely familiar voice:: You don't need him Relena. Men aren't all they're cracked up to be. ::a girl appears from behind a tree::
Relena: Dorothy! ::Dorothy beams::
Dorothy: Hai. Now, Relena come with me and we'll rule the Sank Kingdom as it should be run. We'll leave the boys to their toys. ::She picks up Relena and they both head for the pink limousine.:: Bye boys. It's been fun!
Pern: Dorothy! Get back here! We haven't finished yet!
Dorothy: You can be narrator now! ::drives off, Pern sighs::
Pern: I give up.
Duo and Heero: Yeah! ::cuddle::
Heero: Relena set up this little ceremony at a chapel, I'd hate to waste it.
Duo: Really? Great! We'll take my Gundam. ::They both climb into Deathscythe:: You know, I have the strangest feeling I forgot something...
Wufei Ape: YEAH ME!
Duo: Oops! Um, Heero I need to go back and get him.
Wufei Ape: Don't bother! I've taken care of things.
::scene change. Wufei, minus the gorilla costume is sitting on top of the unconscious forms of both Zechs and Treize. His sword is in staked in the ground in front of him, his hand on the pommel. Pern is calmly applying lotion to his rashes.::
Duo sweatdropping: Oh my.
Pern as Narrator: And so the Jungle King married Heero, Relena and Dorothy went off to rule the Sank Kingdom, and Wufei was finally freed from his gorilla suit. Trowa never did get to try a threesome, but Quatre suggested a foursome with Duo and Heero. There has even been some suggestion of dragging Wufei in, once the rash has gone away.
The end.
Wufei: Whew. I'm glad that is over.
Pern: That was fun. We'll have to do it again. DUO! What did I
tell you earlier about the shrimp?
Duo: Don't worry, I left one for you.
Pern scowling: Put the plate back.
Duo: HEY! Heero is the one scarfing them all down!
Pern looking unconvinced: Why don't I believe you?
Wufei: Because he has 50 shrimp piled on that plate.
::Duo runs like hell::
Pern: DUO!
Trowa: Don't worry.
Quatre: We caught him. ::drag Duo back::
Duo kicking and screaming: NOOoooooooooooo! Traitors!
Quatre: No, we want some shrimp too.
Trowa removing the plate: SHARE.
::Duo whimpers::
Duo: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut...
Pern: Tough, now share or I won't be nice to you next fic.
Duo: What would you do?
Pern smiling evilly: I can see the title now.the Duo's Brush With
Male-Pattern Baldness.
Duo:
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tigress Pern
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