Minstry Of Silly Walks

The Monty Python Bit

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Scene 13

HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say Nee!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee!, Pang! and Nee-wom!
RANDOM: Nee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PATSY: oh, ow!
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want...A SHRUBBERY!!!
ARTHUR: A what?
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PATSY: Oh, ow!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now...GO!
END OF SCENE 13

The Life Of Brian

Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian who reads his writing.
CENTURIAN: What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go the house?
BRIAN: It, it says 'Romans go home'.
CENTURIAN: No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
BRIAN: aaah.
CENTURIAN: Come on.
BRIAN: Ah! Romanus?
CENTURIAN: Goes like?
BRIAN: Annus?
CENTURIAN: Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
BRIAN: Anni?
CENTURIAN: Romani. He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'. Eunt? What is eunt?
BRIAN: Go.
CENTURIAN: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
BRIAN: Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
CENTURIAN: So eunt is?
BRIAN: Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
CENTURIAN: But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?
The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?
BRIAN: The imperative.
CENTURIAN: Which is?
BRIAN: Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
CENTURIAN: How many Romans?
BRIAN: Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
CENTURIAN: Ite. He again corrects the writing on the wall. Domus? Nomonative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
BRIAN: Dative, sir. The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat. Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh. The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
CENTURIAN: Except that 'domus' takes the?
BRIAN: The locative, sir.
CENTURIAN: Which is?
BRIAN: Domum. Aaah! ah.
Again, the writing is ammended.
CENTURIAN: Domum... um... Understand?
BRIAN: Yes, sir.
CENTURIAN: Now write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
CENTURIAN: Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
BRIAN: Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Ceasar and everything, sir. Oh. Mmm!

The Life Of Brian

A fanfare welcomes Pilate.
CROWD: YAY! YAY!
PILATE: People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend.
CROWD: wahaha.
PILATE: To pwove ow fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdower fwom ow pwisons.
CROWD: Hahahaha.
Bigus and the Centurian stare at sentry.
PILATE: Whom would you have me welease?
MAN: Welease Woger!
CROWD: Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! Hahahahaha.
PILATE: Vewwy well. I shall welease woger!
CROWD: Yay. Yay.
CENTURIAN: Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir.
PILATE: What?
CENTURIAN: Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
PILATE: Ah. We have no Woger.
CROWD: Aaaaaah.
MAN: Well what about Wodewic then.
CROWD: Yeah. WELEASE WODEWIC! WELEASE WODEWIC!
PILATE: Centurain. Why do they titter so?
CENTURIAN: Just some, uh, jewish joke, sir.
PILATE: Are they... swagging me?
CENTURIAN: Oh, no, sir!
PILATE: Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewic!
CROWD: Waaahahahaha.
CENTURIAN: Sir, we don't have a Roderic either.
PILATE: No Woger, no Wodewic.
CENTURIAN: Sorry, sir.
PILATE: Who is the Wog... Who is the Wodewic to whom you wefer?
MAN ONE: He's a wobber.
CROWD: Ahhhhahahah.
MAN TWO: ... and a wapist.
CROWD: Ahahahhahah!
WOMANL ... and a pickpocket!
CROWD: Aaah no. ssssssh.
PIALTE: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
CENTURIAN: We haven't got him, sir.

The Ministry Of Silly Walks

A man dressed in suit complete with bowler hat comes into shop. He has a silly walk and keeps doing little jumps and then three long paces without moving the top of his body. He buys a paper, then we follow him as he leaves the shop.
MINISTER: 'Times' please.
SHOPKEEPER: Oh yes sir, here you are.,br> MINISTER: Thank you.
SHOPKEEPER: Cheers.
The Minister leaves the shop, from which we see a line of gas men stretching back up the road to Mrs Pinnet,s house, and walks off in an indescribably silly manner. Cut to him proceeding along Whitehall, and into a building labelled 'Ministry of Silly Walks '.
Inside the building he passes three other men, each walking in their own eccentric way. Cut to an office; a man is sitting waiting. The minister enters eccentrically.
MINISTER: Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work. sits at desk Now then, what was it again?
MR PUDEY: Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it.
MINISTER: I see. May I see your silly walk?
MR PUDEY: Yes, certainly, yes.
He gets up and does a few steps, lifting the bottom part of his left leg sharply at every alternate pace. He stops. MINISTER: That's it, is it?
MR PUDEY: Yes, that's it, yes.
MINISTER: lt's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.
MR PUDEY: Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly.
MINISTER: rising Mr Pudey, he walks about behind the desk in a very silly fashion the very real problem is one of money. I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. You see there's Defence, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ... they're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defence! Now we get £348,000,000 a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products. he sits down Coffee?
MR PUDEY: Yes please.
MINISTER: pressing intercorn Now Mrs Two-Lumps, would you bring us in two coffees please?
INTERCOM VOICE: Yes, Mr Teabag.
MINISTER: ... Out of her mind. Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step. While the Israelis... here's the coffee.
Enter secretary with tray with two cups on it. She has a particularly jerky silly walk which means that by the time she reaches the minister there is no coffee left in the cups. The minister has a quick look in the cups, and smiles understandingly. MINISTER: Thank you - lovely. she exits still carrying tray and cups You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?
MR PUDEY: Oh rather. Yes.
MINISTER: Well take a look at this, then.
He products a projector from beneath his desk already spooled up and plugged in. He flicks a switch and it beams onto the opposite wall. The film shows a sequence of six old-fashioned silly walkers. The film is old silent-movie type, scratchy, jerky and 8mm quality. All the participants wear 1900's type costume. One has huge shoes with soles a foot thick, one is a woman, one has very long 'Little Tich' shoes. Cut back to office. The minister hurls the projector away. Along with papers and everything else on his desk. He leans forward.
MINISTER: Now Mr Pudey. I'm not going to mince words with you. I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo-French
MR PUDEY: La Marche Futile?
Cut to two Frenchmen, wearing striped jerseys and berets, standing in a field with a third man who is entirely covered by a sheet.,br> FIRST FRENCHMAN: Bonjour ... et maintenant ... comme d'habitude, au sujet du Le Marché Commun. Et maintenant, je vous presente, encore une fois, mon ami, le pouf célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.
He removes his moustache and sticks it onto the other Frenchman
SECOND FRENCHMAN: Merci, mon petit chou-chou Brian Trubshawe. Et maintenant avec les pieds à droite, et les pieds au gauche, et maintenant l'Anglais-Française Marche Futile, et voilà
They unveil the third man and walk off He is facing to camera left and appears to be dressed as a city gent; then he turns about face and we see on his fight half he is dressed au style francais. He moves off into the distance in eccentric speeded-up motion.

Time enough for a piece of wood.