Gundam MS: Episode 1

Who’s Who

Everything has a beginning.

It’s just that some beginnings are harder to point out than others. For instance, this series begins at episode one. That’s easy. What’s hard is figuring out a decent way to get into the action from there.

That is, of course, what these few lines were for.

It was a perfectly normal morning. Relena was walking to school. There are more convenient places to start off this episode, but it is a well-known fact that all shoujo stories must begin with the main character walking to school. Oh yeah, and she has to be alone also. No matter how many friends she has, she has to start off alone. Either along the way or once there she will meet up with her friends, the supporting cast. This is an immutable law of the universe, and cannot be changed for something as trivial as convenience. Now where was I…

Ah, yes.

It was a perfectly normal morning. Relena was walking to school. She always walked to school. It was perfectly normal behavior. Everything was, in fact, perfectly normal. There wasn’t a single thing that was the least bit un-normal. It was so normal, in fact, that it was un-normal in its overwhelming normality. This fact, however, was lost on most people, as they thought that it was only themselves who had a perfectly normal morning. But anyway, to the point. It was a perfectly normal morning, in a perfectly normal small town, in perfectly normal upstate New York.

Stop.

Rewind.

Did that just say what you think it did?

Yes, it did.

Upstate New York.

This is a shoujo story in upstate New York.

Now live with it.

Now then, on this perfectly normal morning, Relena was walking to school. She was deep in thought, only marginally aware of her surroundings. You might wonder what she was thinking about. Well, not much. Mostly it was involved in various comparisons between different guys at school. The fact that she could do this day after day and never run out of new comparisons spoke less for her imagination and creativity than it did for the speed of her thought process.

This is the time when our new hero should walk into a peppy, comic-relief supporting character.

Instead, she walks into Heero Yuy. Who, I suppose, could be a comic-relief character if you get laughs out of suicidal behavior. He is not, however, “peppy.”

Thank god for small blessings, because they’re the only ones you’re likely to get around here.

After their fateful collision, they uttered the words which would form the basis of their relationship for the rest of their lives.

“Hey,” cried Relena, “watch where you’re going!”

To which Heero replied: “Ow.”

“Don’t you look up when you’re walking?” Relena managed to loom over Heero, which is not an easy feat considering she’s several inches shorter and a whole lot weaker.

“Uh, not really,” Heero said as he desperately tried to get away.

“Well, you should!”

“Granted. Now, can I leave?” For some reason, he didn’t have much hope.

“Why? Where are you going that’s so important you’re knocking people over huh?”

“Uh… School?”

“Hate to break it to you genius, but the school’s that way.”

By this time, Heero had been backed up against a telephone pole. “Well, I’m, uh, sorta lost. I just moved here. So, uh, can I follow you?”

“Absolutely.”

Heero sensed that perhaps his terrible ordeal might be over, and that after he got this strange girl to show him the way to school he could get on with his normal life.

He was dead wrong.

Of course, he didn’t realize that yet. So he walked two steps behind her (he had quickly found out that she meant to take his asking to “follow” her slightly more literally than he had hoped), not quite understanding the glances she kept throwing at him. When they got to school several minutes later, Heero immediately split off and headed anywhere where Relena wasn’t, while Relena went to look for people to talk to until she was a fashonable three minutes late (as four minutes would mean a detention). The first person she spied was Hitomi, so she sauntered over.

“Hey, Hitomi, how are you?”

“I’m horrible. Everyone’s going to die. I’m so depressed.”

“Ah, so everything’s normal.”

“Why do people keep saying that to me,” whined Hitomi.

“Because, all you ever talk about is death and destruction.”

“That’s not true,” said Hitomi defensively. “I talk about lots of other things, like… like… like whether I should go out with Van or Allen!”

Relena sighed. “First, Allen is five years older than you, already in college, and hooked up with Millerna. Second, you’ve been going out with Van for a whole year now. I don’t know how he stands you.”

Hitomi desperately tried to rally the conversation. “Well, I don’t know how you manage to go through three boyfriends in one day, so I guess we’re even.”

“I do NOT go through three boyfriends every day! That only happened once. Usually it’s more like one or two!”

“And you’re PROUD of that?”

Relena, if not exactly speedy on the intellectual front, had an unmistakable gift for social situations. A part of that gift was the ability to quickly tell when a conversation was going downhill, and that part was getting a lot of exercise at the moment.

“Er… well, uh… um…” The bell, of course, chose that moment to ring.

Hitomi started to look angrier. “That damn bell never fails! Whenever I manage to back you into a corner, it rings. It’s times like these that cause me to think about death and destruction…”

Relena, on the other hand, took a definite turn for the better. “Don’t worry. At least it can’t get worse, right? Well, wish me luck! I’m off to Crazy Miss Washu.”

“Yeah,” replied Hitomi with a smug grin. “They really should get her examined. Any teacher who insists that they’re a 20,000 year old alien really needs some extra vacation time.”

“She’s not so bad, really. As long as you take the first day to tell her she doesn’t look a day over fifteen.”

As Relena walked home, she thought a little about her day. It had been surprisingly normal, really. So normal she really couldn’t explain much about it. For a detailed explanation of this incredible normality, check above. I don’t want to go through that crap again. Anyway…

In a neat case of déjà vu, Relena walks right into someone.

She looks up into the persons face. Her mind tries desperately to find something witty to say.

Her mouth comes up with “Oh crap.”

HEY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE OUT OF TIME?

Relena: We’re out of time, writer-guy. Look, you’ve even reverted to play notation to save time.

BUT THIS EPISODE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO UNTIL YOU GOT YOUR POWERS.

Relena: Well, if you wanted that you should have spent less time explaining how normal the morning was.

**SIGH** ALRIGHT, BUT HOW ARE WE GOING TO INTRODUCE THE REST OF THE CAST?

Relena: We can do a lineup and short intro! Admittedly, it’s pretty stupid, but with the quality of writing it’s not likely to be able to hurt this thing.

GEE, THANKS.

Relena: No prob. Besides, most of these people weren’t supposed to be used for another couple episodes anyway. Get going guys!

Heero: Technically, I’ve already been introduced, but oh well. Sometime later on I’ll probably morph into some sort of Gundam, but the author’s not sure yet. He pretty much makes this stuff up as he goes along. Maybe Gundam Bikini. That should be good for some cheap laughs.

Ryo-Oki: I’m the Cute Furry Talking Animal Sidekick! Alright, raise your right hand if you didn’t see this one coming a mile away… I’m practically the only reason the Tenchi crew were stuck in this thing. Well, also the huge number of women to stick into pretty girl roles, but you get the idea.

Sasami: Hey, I’m Sasami! I’m Heero’s little sister, and later on get to morph into Gundam Annoying Girl. Think of me as Rini, except slightly less annoying, better hairstyle, and without all those stupid bath scenes the SM writers seem to feel the need to put her in.

Washu: Hi! I’m a 20,000-year-old alien genius! But don’t tell anyone, OK?

Van: I’m Hitomi’s girlfriend and right-hand man. But I feel bad about doing evil. I still do it though.

Allen: Hi, I don’t appear in this series! Neither does anyone else from Esca except Van, Hitomi, and Dilandou. Good riddance to all three, I say.

Ryoko: I’m the peppy comic-relief character that should have made it into the walk-to-school part. I get to morph into Gundam Deathscythe Heck. Yeah, I know, it was censored. Live with it.

Kiyone: I’m a personality-less drone. I morph into Gundam Heavyarms. My only purpose is to fill the ranks. So basically, I’m Trowa with a better haircut.

Duo: I’m a demon who escaped from hell! I give Hitomi her powers! I’m evil! Grrrrrrr!

Ayeka: I get to morph into Gundam Sandrock. I love peace. That’s why I’m willing to kill anyone who gets in the way! Wait a minute…

Cecilia: I can morph into Gundam Shenlong. Generally I am nice, sweet, and kind, and don’t like the fact that I have to fight. But when I get angry, I turn into Dilandou. He’s EVIL! The author may or may not do something about why I can turn into Dilly. If he does, expect random satire of the whole “Moon Kingdom” thing in SM.

Dilandou: I morph into the Oreades (big, red, shoots flame and long metal claws for Esca-Philistines)! BURN! Oh yeah, and I’m also the author’s personal avatar for making sarcastic and un-funny comments about shoujo in general, and this series in particular. Think Rei from Stupidity Moon, and you’ll get the idea. I promise it will be tuned down more this time, though.

Goku: Hi! I don’t appear in this series. At all.

Vegeta: Neither do I. I’m busy in the Room of Spirit and Time training to become Super Saiyan level 5! You just wait Kakarot! I’ll kick your ass yet!

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS. ALTHOUGH THIS CAST LIST IS SUBJECT TO BEING ADDED TO OR CHANGED WITHOUT NOTICE OR PURPOSE. HEY, I MAKE THIS STUFF UP AS I GO ALONG. CAN’T YOU TELL?

So that’s it for this week, folks! Who is the mysterious stranger? Well, it’s probably not Death or anything, but maybe it’s her brother? Aunt? Grandmother? You must find out! Tune in next week for answers to question, and many more! Or maybe just to that one, if I get too lazy.