Gundam MS: Episode 5

The Girl They Called the Drone

“Alright,” said Relena. “Now, let me get this straight. Ryoko is a demon… who used to be in league with Duo, who, may I remind you, we are trying to kill… and who lost her powers when escaping from Death… and is now helping us so that she can get those powers back?”

“Well, I didn’t loose all my powers. I can still fly and float through walls, but anything more complicated than that is impossible.”

“How is floating through walls simple?”

“It’s not that hard, really,” Ryoko explained in a lecturing tone. “All matter has a lot of empty space, the trick is in getting the resonance’s right so that all the actual stuff goes through the spaces-”

“I didn’t really need an answer. Anyway, so you lost all your powers-”

At this point Ryo Ohki spoke up. “Not loose. They were sealed-”

“That’s not the point either! The point is that neither of you thought it necessary to tell me until Ryoko floated through my front door! Haven’t you ever heard of a doorknob?”

“Actually, no. Is that the little metal tube with the chain?”

“NO! That’s a lock! The knob is the round thing! Knob equals round!”

“Well, gee, it’s easy to see now that you pointed it out…”

“Look, alright, now I’m pretty much calm. So you two can let me up now.”

“Are you sure? You won’t try to kill Ryoko again?”

“Yes, Ryo Ohki, I’m sure. Anyway, we’re already late to school.”

“No we’re not,” said Ryoko. “It’s five miles away. That should be about 3 minutes flying since it isn’t raining. It isn’t, right? There doesn’t seem to by anything falling from the sky, but nobody ever bothered to tell me about doorknobs so maybe they left something out there too. Uh, Relena? You look a little put off. Are you OK?”

“WE CAN’T FLY TO SCHOOL!”

“Yeah I can.”

“WELL I CAN’T!”

“Why hello there, Relena,” said Miss Washu, in her perpetually cheerful voice. “Glad you could make it today! And only 14 minutes late too. If you had stayed out a couple more minutes you could have broken your old record. Who’s your guest?”

“Ha ha, very funny. I have an excuse this time. I had to deal with Ryoko here. She’s an exchange student, and she’s living with me. Sorry about not having paperwork, but she came a little early.” It was a marvelous lie to account for her presence, and Relena was very pleased with herself.

“And where is she from, hmm?”

“The ninth level of hell.” Alright, so she was still a little peeved. It would pass. She didn’t have the brainpower to remember to be angry for long.

“Ha ha. Very funny,” said Ryoko. “I’m from Japan. I’m half American, so I learned English early, which is why I don’t have much of an accent.” Ryoko did look like she could be half-Japanese. It wasn’t something that jumped out at you, but once you were told, you could see how it was true. Her features almost seemed to become more Japanese the more you looked at her (In fact, they did. What she was doing was a little like the auras Death and Duo could do, only less powerful. Hers needed the suggestion already implanted in the viewers mind to work right).

“That’s nice, we need some new people in here,” said Washu. “What’s with the rabbit?”

Relena had to grab onto Ryo Ohki to prevent her from flying over to Washu and explaining, in great detail, how exactly she different from normal rabbits, starting with the ability to punch very, very hard. This was gonna take some improv, but Relena was good with it.

“Um, it’s Ryoko’s.” There, now she had bought some time and, if things went bad, all the trouble would land at Ryoko’s feet. Thankfully, inspiration came. “It’s religious, somehow. Not sure exactly, but I’ll work it out fully eventually. I think, however, that you should be grateful this isn’t the year of the lion.”

“That’s very… interesting. Now, take a seat. It’s really amazing how the only seat left is next to Keyonne. She doesn’t say much of anything, and no one is really sure what her personality is, or even if she has one. Some people say that she exists only to fill up the classroom. I also have no idea why I just went into a fairly long exposition of her character, or lack thereof.”

Ryoko whispered a question to Relena. “Does she do that often?”

“No. That was really weird.”

Ryo Ohki managed to explain though. “Oh, don’t worry, that’s perfectly normal. There’s always a speech explaining who the focus of the episode is going to be. It’s sort of an early warning system. Whenever someone previously unknown is seen and explained about in detail, it means they’re going to be the new focus. You do have your rods with you?”

“Yes,” both replied in a bored tone.

“I even brought the other three in case we needed them,” said Relena.

“Good, because we might. Now I recommend you take a moment to listen to what Washu is saying. I wouldn’t want you two to fail the test.”

“Just one last question,” said Ryoko. “What’s a test?”

Chemistry was boring. Very boring. So were all the other classes. At least, they were boring for Ryoko. Relena had a very interesting time, as she had to give Ryoko a crash course in the proper behavior at school while whispering, and occasionally having to explain why Ryoko had just fallen asleep (apparently, the teachers couldn’t understand that one of Ryoko’s demon powers was that she could put her conscious mind on a “backburner” and let her unconscious mind absorb the class lecture. The fact that she was snoring wasn’t helping either). Apparently jet-lag wasn’t a viable excuse.

When school finally ended, Relena managed to sneak out with Ryoko and the ever-present Ryo Ohki and get home without meeting anyone. Her plans for a rest break were interrupted, though, when Ryo Ohki suddenly tensed up.

“Hey, guys! There’s a major disturbance going on downtown!”

Relena sighed. “Another monster?”

“I don’t think so. But it definitely isn’t supposed to be there, and I can sense evil coming out of it.”

“Oh, alright, I can take a hint. Ryoko, get over here, we’re heading downtown.”

Getting downtown took more effort than usual, due to the huge flow of people with one intent on their minds: getting as far away from downtown as possible. Eventually yielding to sense, Relena allowed Ryo Ohki to herd her and Ryoko into a secluded alley to Transform, whereupon they set out at a brisk pace several meters above the running people.

None of them saw the girl watching them from a window.

When they got to the center of the “disturbance,” they found it fairly easy to ascertain.

It was a Gundam, like them, flying about 4 meters of the ground, surrounded by destruction. It was a sort of rusty brown mixed with gray, and exuded a sense of powerful evil.

“I have to do a speech, don’t I?” asked Relena.

“Of course,” answered Ryo Ohki. “Try using peace.”

“Alright. Ahem! Evil person, how dare you destroy things and hurt, no wait, break the peace! You hurt people and crush their hopes and dreams! Love cannot flourish under your cruel attacks! I shall destroy all those who are evil! How was that?”

“Hey, not bad! You might have it in you yet. The transitions need a little work though. It just doesn’t flow.”

“Um, I hate to break up your bonding moments, but shouldn’t that thing have moved by now?”

“You worry too much, Ry- wait, I’m supposed to call her Deathsuit, right?”

“That’s Deathscythe! And yes, you are!”

“Fine, Deathscythe. Hey, what should I call her?”

“I dunno,” said Ryo Ohki. “Evil monster usually works though.”

The evil suit then said its first words. “You can call me Epyon.”

“Okaaaaaay,” said Relena. “In that case, Epyon, I’m gonna blow you up. Pretty Gundam Zero-”

WHIP ATTACK!

A long, metal whip extended from Epyon and knocked into Relena’s beam cannon, sending it flying away.

“Hey, that’s no fair! You can’t do that! Can she do that?” said a frantic Relena.

“I just did. Now are you gonna fight fair, or do I have to call in some wimpy monster and then run away, leaving you to find some way to defeat it?”

“Uh, what’s your definition of fair?” asked Ryoko. “I mean, sure, that one-hit-kill beam cannon could be considered a little cheap, but you do have the ability to knock it out of her hand, and she is a complete moron, which sort of dulls the effectiveness-”

“Hey, I am not a complete moron!”

“Yes you are,” said Ryo Ohki.

“Look, this isn’t the time. Do I have any other weapons?”

“Yeah, two of them,” replied Ryo Ohki. “There’s the ‘Super Wimpy Shoulder Pretty Zero Cannons’ and the ‘Super Beautiful Laser Pretty Zero Sword.’”

“Which one would work better?”

“Well, since the Shoulder Cannons have a hard time denting cardboard, they probably wouldn’t work too well. And since your skill with a sword is probably about equal to your skill at remembering attack names, I don’t think that would be a viable option either.”

“Wow, I feel real great about myself now. So what would you recommend?”

“I recommend you getting your ass kicked until someone comes to rescue you.”

“Gee, what a plan. Thanks Ryo Ohki, I’ll be sure to nominate you for the ‘greatest generals of all time’ award.”

“You got a better one?”

“Yeah. It’s called ‘plan run like hell.’”

“I must admit,” said Ryoko, “that it has a certain ring to it.”

“That’s strange,” Epyon said, “I could have sword you were planning on running away. But of course, that wouldn’t be right, would it?”

Relena couldn’t be sure, but she thought Epyon smiled.

Relena flew through the air in the opposite direction of Ryoko and Epyon. She would probably be happier about it if she was flying under her own power instead of because Epyon packed one hell of a punch. She made a note to never to use the battle-cry “Not in the face!” again.

She landed face-first in a mostly empty street. Mostly empty because there was one person still there.

It was, of course, Keyonne.

“Hey, you’re Pretty Gundam Zero, right?”

“Yeah, that would be me. Never fear, for I protect the city and all that crap. Can I go now?”

“Not so fast, Relena.”

“Geeze, Keyonne, what makes you think you can stop me? And hey, is it just me or did you just call me Relena? Because of course I’m not her. Ha ha. Whatever gave you that idea?”

“The fact that I was watching you when you transformed.”

“Oh, that was all smoke and mirrors. Really. You don’t believe a word I’m saying, do you?”

“Not as such, no. But I want to help you fight the enemy.”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“Why not? It beats French club. Besides, I think you need the help.”

“Well, maybe, but we still have standards.”

“Then how’d you get in?”

“Why does everyone hate me?”

“Because you’re a complete idiot who somehow manages to get through life without ever doing any work but you get chosen to be, not just a super-hero, but also the leader of a group of super-heroes, while virtually everyone else in the universe would be better qualified than you.”

“At least it’s nice to know where I stand.”

“Even if it is at the bottom?”

Relena sighed. “Look, we’re not here to talk about my faults. We’re here to talk about your strengths. Just because I might not be at the top of the grading curve-”

“Are we talking about the front of the curve, or the highest part, which, I should remind you, is the average?”

“Either. Now would you listen for a second? What makes you qualified?”

“One, I know your secret identity already. Two, I’m the only one here and you need help badly.”

Relena thought about this for a few seconds. “Alright, you’re in. Here, take this red rod. It will allow you to transform.”

“How?”

“Got me. Ryo Ohki should be able to tell you though. She’s the little flying talking rabbit sidekick. She should be here any second now.”

“How do you know that?”

“One, she never fails to berate me when I screw up, and she can’t berate me if she isn’t with me. Two, she’s on Ryoko’s shoulder, and Ryoko will be here in a matter of seconds.”

“How many seconds?”

“Well, condsidering how long it took me to get here, and factoring in her current position and speed, about 3.”

3

2

1

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

CRASH!

“See? There she is. Well, was anyway. I think we’d better catch up. She’ll be out of that house any minute now and I don’t want to miss her.”

They almost did miss her, even running. Thankfully, Relena managed to persuade Ryoko to stand still.

“Get off of me, you damn bitch! I can take that monster!” Alright, so Relena’s ideas of persuasion weren’t very sophisticated, but they were effective. Plus, they were great payback.

“We need Ryo Ohki to tell Keyonne how do use her rod. And yes, she already knows who we are.”

Ryo Ohki popped out of the house.

“Oh, good timing Ryo Ohki! We need you-”

“…And some bread, with the soup, thank you, yummy…”

“Oh great, we’ve got a swooning rabbit on our hands,” said Ryoko, with her usual lack of foresight.

“I AM NOT A RABBIT!”

CENSORED

“Owwww…” groaned Ryoko.

“Alright, lemme guess, you want me to tell Keyonne here how to use that rod, right?”

“How’d you guess?”

“Because, it’s the way these things always work. Now, Keyonne, repeat after me.”

“OK.”

Ryo Ohki took a deep breath. “Gundam… Heavyarms… Transformation.”

“Hey, how come they get the easy ones?”

“Because they’re the main characters.”

“Uh…,” started Keyonne. “Gundam Heavyarms Transformation? … Hey, nothing happened!”

Ryo Ohki stared at Keyonne. “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HOLD THE ROD! Where do we find these people?”

“Oh, that makes sense,” said Keyonne, as she pulled her rod out. “Here goes nothing. Gundam Heavyarms Transformation!”

Cue Nude Transformation Scene!

“Wow,” said the newly transformed Keyonne, “This feels really weird.”

At that particularly convenient moment, Epyon fell out of the sky. “Aha! Finally, I have found you! I see you have a new partner. That will make no difference!”

“Quick, Heavyarms, use your ‘Gattling Gunfire’ attack!” yelled Ryo Ohki.

“How do I do that?”

“Say ‘Gattling Gunfire’ and press the trigger.”

“Gattling Gunfire?” Click.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

“And point the damn gun at the enemy! Jesus, what is with these people? She practically blew my brains out!”

Now Keyonne was getting into it. “Gattling Gunfire! Gattling Gunfire! Gattling Gunfire!”

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

“Oh no!” yelled Epyon, “Even though you have the exact same amount of power as these other two, for some reason it is enough to drive me away for this episode only! Thankfully, next episode will render you equally powerless so that the new new character can show off. Curse you!” she yelled as she flew away.

Keyonne grinned somehow, even though her face was made of metal. “Can we do that again?”

And so, episode five comes to a close. Exciting, isn’t it? Tune in next time, when the exact thing happens again, and you get to find out what I’ll call Ayeka/Sandrock’s attack. How… suspenseful. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding?