LEXX

Whoohoo! Exciting opening to this episode as the ATF take-down squad storm a grocery store and havoc is wreaked in the produce aisle.. and the produce manager's backside. Gives new meaning to the term, 'All deliveries at rear please'!In his Git Cave, Prince watches the live action via replay before attending to the Vegetable Specialist, who's brought in the unfortunate produce manager, secured in a cheesy looking metal canister. The specialist shows some scan to illustrate how the drone is able to control the victim by taking over the neurological system.

Stanley, Xev and Kai have returned to the Lexx from Oberon's FunHouse, having managed to get Xev resurrected. They seem agreed upon some experiences not needing repeating (and I can sure agree with that, if I ever see Midsummer Nightmare again, I'll probably kill someone; what a tedious waste of celluloid!). The conversation turns again to how are they going to recover the Key to the Lexx. They've searched the ship and not been able to find Lyekka at all. Xev suggests that perhaps Lexx has reabsorbed her as he has a tendency to do with protein matter. Oh cool, so, Stanley could get to eat Lyekka after all then? One thing is apparent: 790's intense animosity toward Xev and Stan is unabated.

Down in the Oval Office, Bunny dressed up as a .... um.. bunny, does a riff off Marilyn Monroe and presents "Mr President" with a gushing, breathy happy birthday wish, and a beautiful carrot cake. It's not his birthday, but what the heck, he's interested in whatever birthday prezzie Bunny has in mind. Unfortunately they are interrupted by a serious-faced Prince, accompanied by a gaggle of white-coated nerds rolling in the hapless produce manager. Prince announces that they have a "Carrot Crisis", which upsets the President who remarks that he hates carrots (earning a glare from earnest, carrot-cake-baking Bunny) and they really upset his bowels (MAJOR foreshadowing!).

The veddy proper and Englishly-sounding Professor Shnoog gives a precis of what they've discovered about the aggressive carrot drones, including their apparent predilection for entering the body through the "back door".

Priest would seem to be a very straight guy and doesn't grasp this allusion, so the Professor becomes more explicit, "through the rectum intestinum", and when Priest still doesn't get it, Prince translates, "They like to burrow into your ass (only he says it so propah; aahss), Mr. President." Bunny pipes up here and we learn that the President isn't quite that straight; he clearly enjoys rectal toys!

The Professor goes on to make clear that the carrot drones basically integrate themselves into the host's nervous system, taking complete control even when the host is fully conscious, leading Prince to point out that the drone may be able to hear everything that is being said. Further discussion reveals the probes are turning up all over the globe, and, that it isn't always a simple matter to tell who is carrying a probe.

Priest, who seems so dumb, actually grasps the situation pretty well. In an aside he asks Prince if now wouldn't be a good time to get off the planet. At the same time, Bunny is getting upset at the way the produce manager is looking at her. A drone eye pops out of his forehead, and the whole drone flies right out of him and begins whizzing around the office, looking for somebody's bum to skewer.

Pandemonium ensues with the smart ones covering their arses, while the ATF/SS begin blasting away indiscriminately! Prince, Priest, Bunny and the Prof manage to get out of the room as Prince shuts and locks the door on the rest of them. (This wouldn't be some tongue-in -cheek poking at the ability of senior Washingtonites to cover their behinds while throwing their underlings to the...erm.... carrot, would it?)

Prince decides they must go to the Lexx. Having not found anyone on earth containing the Lexx key he feels certain that even if Stanley doesn't have it, the key must be on the ship somewhere. The Prof scans them and pronounces them clean and they hop on the space shuttle. The Prof removes his cap and we see his nice little third eye peeking out!

On the Lexx, Stan and Xev can't get any food since Stanley is no longer captain and the Lexx won't respond. Xev is trying her best to stimulate Lexx's food distributing nozzle but to no avail. Suddenly, Prince appears with Priest and Bunny and announces that they've brought a picnic with them. Ohoh.. beware of SlimyGits bearing gifts!

Stanley doesn't trust Prince, but still hasn't learned proper caution. He nearly blurts out that he hasn't got the key (which is exactly what Prince is angling to know of course), but Xev stifles him. Stanley, finally getting it straight, lies and tells Prince that he brought Lyekka/Lulu to the height of extreme sexual pleasure and got the key back from her. Prince then makes a huge leap and announces with confidence that that is great and now they can all get going somewhere other than earth, which has developed a slight alien carrot problem.

Xev naturally disputes Princes' assumption that there is any agreement between them (atta girl Xev, don't just swallow what a smooth, lying git trots out!). She goes off to wake Kai up, while Prince suggests they discuss everything over lunch. Bunny wants to use the washroom, and Stanley, still rankling over being done out of their two previous sex agreements, smiles evilly and shows her to the Lexx toilet! Bunny looks very nervous, but Priest obviously enjoys some good toilet humour, especially if it'll make his honey-bunny taste better).

On the bridge, Prince outlines the carrot problem while Xev and Stanley pig out on the picnic fixings. Priest and Bunny add make-out to their take-out, and Kai stands listening dispassionately. Prince is still asserting that he has some deal to be included in the Lexx departure. Xev continues to scoff at this assumption, while pointing out that they know from experience what a liar Prince is and that he never keeps his bargains. (Prince did make a deal with Stanley when Stan was desperate for help in liberating Lyekka/Lulu, and Prince hasn't forgotten it - although Stanley isn't acknowledging it to his crewmates here).

Kai wants to know why Prince is concerned about the carrot probes since previously on Fire he apparently was immortal. Prince reveals again that he's not quite as certain of his status in that respect on this planet. Kai gets his brace out and suggests that they find out the answer to the question. Stanley (you dummy!) stops him though and wants to know what is the real agenda of the drones.

Kai makes 790 tell them. The drones are a taste-test scouting party for an alien ship. Their task is to check out how everything tastes, particularly human beings. The big feast will occur when the real alien mothership arrives at earth to chow down. 790 grudgingly admits that he could locate the mother ship if he felt like it. Prince decides to act on this information.

He dials up the Pentagon and instructs Priest to authorize "Operation Hard Encounter". Priest complies through a cloud of his own self-generated methane.. seems he's having some trouble with his bowels. It's obvious to the viewer at this point that the Pres is playing host as the theme of uncontrollable bowel gas is beaten nearly to death!

Xev shows Priest and Bunny off to a bedroom for the night. Prince takes this opportunity to ooze up to Kai and inquire if he plays chess. He explains it as a game of kings, of strategy, where it sometimes is necessary to sacrifice "lesser participants." Kai remarks that it sounds similar to a game he played on Brunnis 2 when he was alive.

During the night, Priest is still sampling taste treats, and this time he's having a good time sucking the strawberry-tinted face cream off Bunny. He seems overcome with great discomfort, and clasps a hand over his forehead. Checking it in Bunny's compact, he sees a drone eye looking out of his head! Under the control of the drone (or maybe not..) he makes his way to the sleeping Xev, and after squirting some green relish on her tummy, starts sucking!!

Xev wakes and confronts him but he's speaking gibberish by this time. (I say he may not be under drone control since I think a lot of guys would look and sound exactly this way if they were sucking Xev's tummy). A furious, pink-clad Bunny interrupts them, and leaps to the attack while Priest flees in a cloud of flatulence to the toilet.

Xev suspects that Priest is infested and raises the alarm. Prince and Kai, alerted by her calls, leave their chessboard (okay, so where did this come from then? I suppose Prince just happened to bring this with him in the shuttle.. yeah right) and Stanley comes running also. Meanwhile, Priest is being delivered of his bowel disturbance and screaming his head off.

By the time the others find him he's unconscious on the floor. Kai suspects the probe has departed and Prince suggests they get him up (Bunny offers that Priest always responds to oral stimulation - just a regular guy obviously- and Stan can't help gazing at Bunny and remarking that he does as well - hey, there's nothing like an obvious joke, right?)

On the bridge, the drone has spotted 790 and starts chasing him around the deck until 790 gets fed up, remarking "This is getting stupid" (truer words were never uttered, Robot Head). He utters a series of bizarre vocalizations; clearly 790 can communicate directly with the drones. He hatches some plot with the drone, which bobs up and down excitedly like a demented budgie bird!

Back on the bridge, 790 lies to the group telling them that he only noticed the probe when it emitted a signal upon leaving Priest. He adds that the Mother Ship told the probe to leave the Lexx. Priest's bum is hurting. While they listen to 790's subterfuge, Bunny lovingly massages her hubby's rear which seems to interest Xev, who tries out the massage technique on Bunny's shoulders at the same time. Prince and Xev eye each other in a rather interesting manner, but with the others back off to bed, Prince returns to his game with Kai. Guess he's not interested in games with Xev, despite his rather smarmy semi-come-ons to her at other times.

Prince tries to strike a deal with Kai and suggests they play the game for some stakes. If Kai loses, he will promise not to kill Prince. If Prince loses, he'll set the Kai soul from the planet Fire to rest. He points out that "this game gives a chance for one of us to achieve his agenda and that's better than neither one of us achieving it."
His suggestion seems to trigger something in Kai, who gets up and walks away.

Kai locates 790. It has occurred to him that 790 and the drones have some common cause, that being 790's wish to eliminate Stan and Xev so as to have Kai all to himself. 790 admits that he's been working with the probe toward their common desired goal.

790 shows a bit of temper to his darling Black Man here and avers that he's not sorry for plotting against Xev and Stan. Kai replies "Not yet." Ooohhhh.

In Xev's bedchamber, Stanley is squirting ketchup on Xev's tummy this time and slurping it up. He's interrupted in his repast by Kai's brace grabbing his neck. The probe exits Stanley and whirs about like a deranged kitchen implement, but neither Kai nor Xev are able to land the thing and it takes off in pursuit of more flesh.

They all meet on the bridge again and debate how to capture the carrot. Prince, his full attention on the discussion is quite oblivious to the hungry way Bunny is examining him until she bites him on the neck! She rips her nightblind off her forehead to reveal a big blue eye, and runs off screaming. The rest take off after her in pursuit.

After they find her lying unconscious, the dilemma is the same. They still don't know where the probe is. Kai comes up with a solution. He proposes to insert an anal prong into each in turn. The prong will emit a low voltage current which will reveal the carrot probe if it's present.

Prince rather pompously announces that Kai can do whatever he wants with the others but it isn't necessary to test Prince. He asserts that the carrot couldn't live in him anymore than it could live in Kai. He is nearly 100% sure that he himself is more deity than human. Well, nearly ain't good enough and Stan THE Man makes it absolutely clear that Prince is going down with the rest of them. Kai backs up Stan with a stern, "Drop'em!"

The look on Prince's face is priceless! Finally, the Git is getting what he's been so accustomed to dishing out to everybody else. Yahhhhhh!! I wonder if Kai used the same prong on everyone....?

While Kai is busy sticking it to the rest, we see Operation Hard Encounter readying it's weapon (I am not a military person so I can't identify this gun, but it was rather visually funny, all the same). Also, the MothBreeder carrying the Key, now has a Carrot Encounter of it's own, and subsequently makes it's way to the bridge, instructs Lexx to blow up the Hard Encounter ship, and then goes on about it's moth building business.

They all heard the Lexx fire, but Stanley continues to try to bluff Prince and the others out about having got the Key back from Lyekka. Prince calls up NASA to check the condition of Hard Encounter, only to be greeted by a carrotized Professor Shnoog laughing maniacally about it being blown up. This confirms both that Lexx fired, and Prince is clear now that Stanley, despite his pitiful prevarications, did not get the Key back.

They still have one little problem. How to find and neutralize the devious drone that's still loose. They form a hunting party with 790 leading and acting as radar. Xev follows him with a very un-lethal looking dryer hose apparatus attached to some sort of gun-like affair. The drone sneaks up behind them and inserts itself into Kai!

790 faints from jealous rage... er, not really but I wonder why not. That'll teach you to make deals with the enemy you metal brained git! Anyway, it looks like Kai cuts and twists himself in half and destroys the drone. I was sure I'd never see this on Lexx, but Kai now finally gets to try out the Lexx toilet himself, as he engages in what Stanley calls his "first bowel movement in 6000 years". Kai 'dryly' replies to Stan's query that it was, "dry." hahahaha!

Kai and Prince resume their game, till Kai brings Prince to position of check, and there the episode comes to an end. The end. Jeff Hirschfield has explored the end in every possible way here. Thoroughly. One might say there are some real anal characteristics in this degree of detail. He raises toilet humour to the zenith of it's far...I mean art!

I must add that Bad Carrot is definitely NOT a bad episode. In fact, I think like most of Jeff Hirschfield's episodes tend to be, it's very well written. Despite the slightly ridiculous superficial theme, he's actually fitted it all very nicely together (hehe, specially the part fitted up Prince's aahsss) to advance the story arc along.