LEXX

The peaceful night air of Garden is broken by Stan's cry for Lyekka. Something has woken him and Lyekka is nowhere to be seen, so he (as any sensible soul would in their hour of need) dashes off to find Kai. Elsewhere in the garden Xev is rudely awoken from her slumber by anonymous kidnappers who bind and gag her before dragging her helplessly away.

Stan has roused Kai who sounds the alarm gong as the previously circling gondolas begin their attack. Arrows rain down on the quiet garden as Lyekka bursts into the clearing and falls into Stan's arms. His joy at seeing her is short lived however as she has been shot several times in the back by the marauding balloons. As she struggles for breath, she tells Stan that she will always be in his heart, and dies in his arms. Stan fights back the tears as Kai grabs him, insisting that they get Xev and try to make it to the Moth. But both Xev and the Moth have disappeared.

Above them the Moth flies out over the sea. Either Xev has taken the Moth and abandoned them to the forces of Fire (unlikely), or she's been taken against her will (likley). Kai grabs Stan and fires his brace toward the escaping Moth, catching hold of it and reeling the both of them aboard. Chucking the unfortunate pilot out to meet a soggy end in the ocean below, Kai takes control while Stan finds a bundled person shaped parcel in the back. He feels it to see if it's Xev (an ordinary person might have said "hello Xev, is that you?", but no, Stan had to cop a feel instead). Fairly convinced that the busty appendages he has just fondled do indeed belong to our lusty love slave, he rips open the parcel to release Xev. Or rather the Xev shaped bomb that has been planted there by that naughty naughty Prince. The false boobs that so easily fooled Stan suddenly eject the firing mechanism (hidden where else but the nipples??). Grabbing Stan once more, Kai leaps out of the Moth which dutifully explodes.

On Prince's gondola, Xev watches as the Moth disintegrates and Prince takes no small joy in telling her that her friends have departed this world. He is however utterly wrong, as Kai has managed to grab a gondola above that of Prince on the way down and take control. Priest, one of Prince's minions aboard his gondola, notices that Kai and Stan are still alive as Kai calls Xev's name to see which gondola she's on. She tries to answer but nasty Prince gags her to shut her up.

As Kai is floating above Prince, Prince needs to raise his balloon up. The only way to accomplish this of course is to get rid of some excess weight, he points out to Priest. As is the way of all subordinates everywhere, Priest takes this to mean "get rid of everyone else except yourself" which he does by pushing one of the crew members over the edge and looking at another one fiercly until he commits suicide. "Thank you" shouts Prince (always polite in a crisis).

As the sun floats over the horizon Stan tries to convince Kai that they should get help to rescue Xev. But as Kai eloquently points out, the people on Water are all a bit ditzy and crap (my words, not his) and unlikely to be motivated into helping them, based on past experience. They are going to have to do this by themselves. Unfortunately the other balloons seem to be arranging themselves in an attack pattern. Stan's natural self preservation instinct kicks in and he points out that he's only an ex-Security Guard and not cut out for this kind of thing. Kai reminds him about his four millennia as Captain of the most powerful ship in the universe and he can't get out of it that easily. Stan remains unconvinced, but they are kinda stuck with the situation.

The blazing sun makes it's presence known with an impressive array of sunbeams. There is no time to appreciate the view however, as the balloons begin crowding Kai and Stan's gondola, firing arrows at their balloon in an attempt to sink it. Cleverly though, they manage to stay just out of reach of Kai's brace. Stan looks nervously at the sea below, no doubt wondering if it would make a soft landing but Kai points out that if he were to fall into the sea himself he would sink like a stone. Apparently His Divine Shadow must also have removed Kai's ability to swim. Or maybe he's just dense (in a physical way of course).

Back aboard Prince's gondola he's trying to phase Xev by screwing with her mind. First he chats her up, then he puts a hand on her forehead and suddenly she is transported back into her past. The holocare home on B3K was not a happy place to grow up - Zev (as she was then), a large and unattractive child, lives in a box about 6' by 6'. Flashing out of the reminiscence for a second, she tells Prince that she doesn't remember most of her childhood. And probably a good thing too for the memories she has haunt her to this day. Nice chap that he is, Prince sends her straight back into her childhood where we see the holographic matron conducting a lesson in wifely behaviour with Zev. It's like a multiple choice test where Zev has to decide what she should say if ever asked by her husband "Do you think I'm fat?"

Poor old Zev gets the question wrong by choosing answer 2 which was "it's not what you look like on the outside, it's what's inside that counts". A perfectly reasonable answer, you might think, but the matron is adamant that the correct answer was 3: "I like a man with a lot of meat on his bones. Can we get naked now and ride the tower of power?" One should take every opportunity to please one's husband in bed, the Matron reminds her. Hmmmmm.

Prince releases Xev from her memories and she is choked to tears. As sympathetic as a crocodile, Prince feigns empathy: "So much pain". Then he orders his Priest to chuck her over the side of the gondola on the end of a wire so he can lure Kai and Stan closer and make a deal for the Lexx. Xev should have joined forces with him when she had the choice, he gloats, as she tumbles over the edge. Then he shouts to Kai's balloon that he'll cut the rope if Kai doesn't jump into the sea before the count of 10.

Ever self-sacrificing (or perhaps just stoopid), Kai jumps. Unfortunately Priest has taken Prince's orders too literally and as the count reaches 10 he cuts Xev loose and she plummets towards the ocean. Quick thinking Kai is on the case however, clamping himself back onto Stan's gondola with his wrist brace. They descend over the ocean and fish the soggy Xev out of the water.

Prince is not happy that Priest cut Xev loose. Priest knows that this was a bad career move and apologises unreservedly. It looks like the only reason Prince didn't kill him there and then is that he'd have to pilot the balloon himself and that wouldn't be "cool". He orders the other balloons to attack Stan and the balloon sinks quickly as the arrows pierce the skin. Kai realises the only way to stay out of the water is to loose weight. All of it. They hang on to the baloon itself (designed with a handy ledge no doubt just for this kind of occurrence) and cut the gondola loose sending it crashing into the sea below. The balloon picks up height and Kai spots the Lexx in orbit between the planets. They head for the ship hoping to be ble to grab on with Kai's brace. As the atmosphere thins though, the balloon's ascent slows.

Prince is so impressed with Kai's gondola dropping trick that he tries it for himself. Climbing up onto the balloon's ledge he orders Priest to cut the gondola loose, with himself still inside it. Prince wants no more dead weight on this trip. Priest, realising he has nothing to lose, takes this opportunity to thank his former employer by stabbing him visciously in the chest. As Prince, slightly surprised, falls back into the gondola calling the Priest a fool. The 'fool' however climbs aboard the balloon and quickly cuts the gondola loose leaving Prince to fall to his death in the sea. "What do you think you will gain?" Prince cries incredulously. "Now I will rise!" the Priest smiles evilly. "Now I will control this planet!" (I have expected a "muahahahahaha!" there, but was sadly disappointed.

Prince is not about to let control of the planet go to weasle man, however, and with his last breath shoots the Priest with an arrow. The Priest falls to the ocean below and Kai takes advantage of the spare and undamaged balloon, capturing it and swinging across. He then pulls Stan across but the balloon is rising too fast to catch Xev who, stuck on the damaged balloon, has been caught in the vortex between the planets and is heading back towards Fire. They have to leave her and head to the Lexx to get a more manoueverable moth to attempt the rescue.

790, left aboard the Lexx all this time, has had nothing better to do but compose crappy poetry about the love of his life, i.e. Kai. Look away now if you don't want to be offended, or possibly tittilated ;))

All night by the Kai, Kai,
All night by his corpse I did moan.
I dream he was tweaking my circuits
While I was tasting his bone.

And

All night without Kai, Kai,
I’m blue and I’m lonely and sick.
I dream of his frozen kisses
And fondling his frozen...

I've heard better...most of it written by Dr Del ;))

But anyway, whilst the robot head has been auditioning for the role of Poet Laureate, Xev's balloon is still heading towards Fire. Kai and Stan had better be quick, and indeed they are - collecting a moth and leaving without so much as a quick hello to 790. Awwwwww.

Xev has managed to land the balloon in the desert without too much trouble. She starts walking, relying on her cluster lizard resiliance to see her through. As she trudges on she finds a wandering moth breeder, no doubt dumped in the desert after Fifi stole all the moths back on Gametown. "I must build more moths" is all it will say, luckily not realising it's predicament. Xev empathises with the poor creature as it struggles in the sand. After all, she too was changed by the Divine Order. How easily she could have ended up as one of these hapless creatures. The Moth Breeder dies in the sand and she continues her journey. Hopefully there'll be a city somewhere soon where she can take shelter from the burning empty desert. Or rather not so empty, for Prince is walking towards her. Prince explains that he's never seen someone die "for the first time" before, and is willing to follow Xev across the desert to watch her die, even though he will surely die too. Of course Prince will just reappear somewhere else so it's no great shakes for him to die again.

Xev however is far better adapted for the desert than Prince's puny human body. She lets him into her little secret, showing him an image in her mind of a Cluster Lizard. Prince laughs at his fate, realising that Xev will survive him. "Then I guess you will see me die" he smiles. Xev's compassion kicks in and she admits that she still has feelings for him. He merely replies that she shouldn't.

As they trudge on through the desert Prince's strength eventually ebbs away and he falls behind to die on the scorching sands. Xev looks on, unflustered as his body disappears. Then she walks onward. She's seen him die before, and will probably see it again. If she survives the desert...