LEXX

                                               On a branch there is a fruit,
                                              Plump and ripe for sucking.
                                                 On a Moth, there is a Kai,
                                                      Dead but ripe for...
"Give him a break 790" Xev snaps, flying the moth back to the Lexx having collected Kai from Gametown. Kai calms the ecstatic robot by kissing his fingers then patting the top of 790's head. Perhaps his near-life experience has made him more compassionate, or maybe he's just not worried that 790 will actually jump his bones on account of not having the equipment, so feels safe to lead him on. Oh the tease!

Kai asks what happened to Stan and Xev recounts that she found him dead in the ocean. Kai pauses and then asks if the Lexx can fly. I hope he's got a plan, otherwise he's seeming very unaffected by Stan's demise. Perhaps he feels it's deserved, like the death sentence Stan received in his trial back on the Celes pleasure cruiser. Xev confirms that the Lexx can fly a little way and shows Kai that she has the Key. Then she asks if there's anything they can do to get Stan back from the dead.

Kai tells Xev what he saw inside Water.
"While I was sinking, I saw many shapes underwater. I believe that they are the essences of people who have died. I fell into a light and woke up on Gametown. You will remember that the people here do not speak of being born, only 'waking up'."
"So does that mean that you're alive now?" Xev asks. (Just what every girl watching was thinking!)
"No, I am still dead, but I saw the living ‘me’ inside the planet, waiting for his turn to wake up."
Xev is all for trying to find Kai's living soul and trying to rescue it. Not that she's got an ulterior motive, oh no. Not even a bit. Kai realises that his soul wouldn't know about his past life though, just as none of the other souls on the planets have any recollection of who they were before.
"What about Stanley?" Asks Xev.
"Water appears to be where the virtuous go after they die. Stanley made many bad choices - I suspect that he is on Fire."
"Then we are going to Fire."
She whips the moth around and heads for Fire, hoping desperately that even if they can find him, Stan will remember who he is...was.

Prince seems to be expecting his guests and when the Moth pulls up to the tower he is standing there with his arms outstretched.
"Come for another kiss, Xev?" he shouts as the Moth lands.
Kai does not recommend Xev goes ahead as there's a great chance that she too will die, but to Xev a friend in need is a friend who will owe you something later. Oh, did I say that?

Jumping out of the Moth, Kai reveals that they have rumbled Prince's little set-up here; that the populations of both planets are dead souls. Xev insists on Stan's return but of course Prince refuses. Kai (ever the diplomat) threatens to kill Prince if he doesn't, although what good this would do I don't know. Xev interrupts and demands to know where Stan is.

Prince points to the large lava-filled well in the centre of the room. Prince smiles and merely says that Stan is "waiting his turn". Kai immediately jumps into the well in search of Stan's soul. Prince is a little taken aback at this action, disbelievingly saying "It's impossible to go and get him, the heat would incinerate human flesh within seconds."
Xev points out that the heat won't bother Kai and Prince looks unsettled.
"This has never happened before..." he mutters, then seems to come to a decision. "And now it is time for me to die." He follows Kai into the well.

Kai lands heavily in a desert much like the rest of Fire although slightly less fiery. As he looks around Prince too lands on the sand although now he's dressed in white. One can only assume the well is some kind of magic dressing tube, much along the lines of Superman's telephone booth.
"Where is Stanley Tweedle?" Kai demands. "Would you like to see him?" Prince asks. Kai replies that he would, and so Prince takes him by the hand and leads him through the Streets of London...erm..sorry...leads him through the desert.

Xev, left in Prince's chamber whilst the two boys go off to do macho things, takes a drink from Prince's flask. She is startled when one of Prince's minions enters and demands to know where Prince is. Realising that she can turn this to her advantage, Xev merely replies "I am your Prince. You may leave now". Clever old Xev.

In the desert, Prince leades Kai to the base of what looks like a red whirlwind.
"There they are and there they wait." Prince relates the fate of the souls who have made 'bad choices'. "At one time there was no need to queue but recently - with so many people making bad choices - things have become rather crowded around here and so they have to wait their turn to suffer. For them, though, time does not pass. Stan's punishment is Level 9 - that means that he will man the bellows in my city until his arms and legs give out and his head comes off."
Through the telescope that Prince has handed him, Kai can see Stan's confused looking soul floating aimlessly within the whirlwind. With dogged determination, Kai re-states his mission.
"I have come to rescue Stanley."
"Go ahead." Prince invites him
But Kai realises even he, the indestructible, is powerless here. Stan cannot be freed from the vortex - he is merely a soul with no corporeal form. Kai cannot pull him out with his brace, nor go in and drag him out. Stan may well be stuck here after all.
"How can I do that?" lowering his brace.
"You can't." says Prince.
"Can you?"
"No."

And to make matters worse, Prince also tells Kai that he's now stranded here and can never return to the surface of the planet to rescue Xev.
"You can return." Kai states.
"Of course, I am Prince. That is how I can also be up there with Xev. But you will keep my company down here forever."

And true to his word, Prince also walks in on Xev in his chamber back in the tower.
"Now that we're rid of the dead man we can start to solve the problem." This sounds ominous for our Xev, especially when he motions for a Soldier to come over. "What's the deal?" Xev demands.
Prince wants the Key to the Lexx, and with Stan dead and Kai...still dead, there's only one place it can be.
"I will be King, you will be my Queen."

Strangely, Xev seems tempted by this offer. She does however remind him that she is part Cluster Lizard and therefore has her own value system. Perhaps she's just warning Prince that she can be just as untrustworthy as he can.
"I will accept your deal..." she says "Under the right conditions."

In the desert, Prince tells Kai that he cannot release Stan from the vortex, but he can move him to the head of the line. This means that Stan is suddenly back where this whole mess started, pumping bellows in the bowels of Prince's tower. He is once again strapped in to the machine that insists he continue pumping or loose his head.

"He is suffering." Prince reveals. "Level 9 is reserved for the worst cases." I have to say I think this is a bit unfair. I don't think Stan is the worst case - I mean it's not like he kicked puppies or stole kiddies' ice creams. All he did was blow up a few billion innocent people now and again and try to destroy an entire planet for his girlfrie.... Oh. Ok.
But Kai is on a more philosophical train of thought now.
"If I am a machine", Kai asks Prince, "What are you?" "I do not know." Prince replies.
Perhaps he is a corporeal form of evil, some kind of demon or devil perhaps, or an anthropomorphic personification of our deepest fears, but it seems that Prince truly does not understand this place any more than we do. He simply lives here and rules it as he has always done. It's just the way things are.

Kai "I can't keep to one train of thought for more than a few seconds" Brunnen-G then asks Prince whether their discovering these planets was a good thing or not.
"The matter is not yet resolved" replies Prince.
"But, if I am trapped here and Stan is dead, what is not resolved?" Kai asks.
"Xev." Replies the peroxided one. "Xev holds the future of Fire and Water."

The Xev in question is currently being tested. After all if Prince is the Devil incarnate (or metric equivalent) then he doesn't want to be married to some kind of namby-pamby hippy tree-hugger. He therefore checks Xev's evil side by asking her to strangle a willing volunteer from amongst his personal guard. Xev tries to kill the waiting victim but Miss Goody Two-Shoes shines through and she throws him down turning herself instead into a Cluster Lizard. As Prince demands her execution she rolls swiftly towards the Moth and metamorphoses in time to fly the Moth the hell outta there. Unfortunately Prince is also a swift little bugger and manages to catch hold of the Moth as it leaps into the air.

Prince is obviously not an advocate of Animal Rights (like, surprise surprise...) and ignores the Moth's screams as he carves a hole in it's stomach with a small knife. As his face is revealed through the hole, the obsessed 790 screams "Where's Kai??". Prince, no doubt bragging that their friend will never be released, replies that he's inside the planet.
"Then blow up the Planet!" Is the first useful thing 790's said all season.
Prince warns that destroying Fire will "upset the balance" but Xev replies with a swift kick to the face. Prince is sent spiralling back towards the planet and Xev makes a concerted effort to get back to the Lexx.

Stan is knackered. He's been peddling for a fair while how and his arms and legs have just about given out. After all, how long could you go on a rowing machine? Well imagine a rowing machine with heavy bits and spikes and nasty slicey-heady components. With the last vestiges of his energy he tries to keep going, but it's inevitable. With a quick schwup (slicing noise, OK? You try writing a noise...) Stan's spirit reappears in the swirling vortex below the planet's surface.

Kai watches as Stan re-materialises.

"He's back already?" asks Prince "I think...that you enjoy your job." Kai accuses "I'm good with pain." replies Prince. And I bet there's a great pension scheme and possibly dental too.

Xev is trying to decide whether or not to follow 790's advice and blow up Fire. After all, if Stan's soul is stuck there and Kai is trapped below the surface, it's probably the only way to get either of them free. Kai's survived planet-blowing-up moments before, and if Stan truly is dead then it can't get any worse for him, can it? But can she really destroy thousands of innocent people to save her friends? Then again they are hardly innocent, are they. And they've tried to kill her enough times...

But what did Prince mean about upsetting the balance?

Xev bites the bullet. With a Cluster Lizard scream that would have made her mother proud, if her mother had been a cluster lizard, Xev shouts her order.
"LEXX! Blow up the planet Fire!"

Good old Lexx. He might be stoopid, but he can still blow up a planet better than anyone I've ever met. The stream of fire from Lexx's weapon impacts upon the surface of the planet destroying everything. Inside, in their own private desert, Kai and Prince watch the awesome spectacle approach them. The fiery wave chews through to the planet's heart, which explodes. Fire is extinguished. The chunks of the ex-planet whirl through space as if auditioning for the "Fastest Asteroid" competition (held annually near Alpha Centauri). Xev needn't have worried about all those poor people on the planet however. They are all souls, and as such are unaffected by such minor inconveniences as planetary destruction. The vortex in the centre of the planet has been released and all the souls within are thrown into space. They head towards the Lexx, whirling and dancing and pulling faces and generally not being very civil. As they float through the hull of the ship and across the bridge, Xev jumps out of the way. Probably best not to tangle with the disembodied essences of the psychotic, homicidal and petty bureaucrats. Managing to avoid a parking fine for having a large bug parked illegally between two planets, Xev watches as the souls laugh and shriek and eventually pass straight through the Lexx and on their way towards the sun.

Regaining her composure, Xev commands Lexx to search for Kai. But Lexx does not respond. The reason suddenly becomes clear when Prince's face appears on the viewscreen.
"Thank you for releasing me!" Prince smiles.
"LEXX! Find Kai!" urges Xev.
"I have something I have to do first." Prince informs her, worryingly.
"LEXX?" Xev screams.
"Not LEXX, Prince. You upset the balance and I'm resetting it."

Deep within the Lexx's brain (what there is of it), Prince turns the large insect toward the planet Water. Xev can only watch as he fires Lexx's weapon and Water too is destroyed in a massive explosion. As with all those good and evil things, I guess one cannot exist without the other. The freed souls of the inhabitants of Water spiral upwards and, as those of Fire before them, float through the Lexx. One, who looks very like Bunny, stops to peer at Xev before they all disappear into the sun.

His mission complete, Prince's face disappears from the viewscreen. Xev calls to Lexx and he replies with his usual exciting personality. He cannot remember being under Prince's control. Glad to have the big bug back, Xev resumes the search for Kai in the wreckage of the two planets. They find him floating gently in space looking for all the world as if waiting for a cab.

With Kai safely retrieved, the order of the day is Stanley H. Entering the cryochamber they discover that Stan is back. His soul too was released from Fire's vortex and it must have had a homing beacon for it just slunk back home like a cat that's been out all night singing on the fence and keeping the neighbours awake. Luckily for Stan his soul cannot remember anything that happened to him after he drowned. That'll probably save him some deep trauma that would otherwise have cost him a few sessions with a shrink. (Actually, I've got Dr Del's number if he needs it...)

As the happy crew return to the bridge, Lexx is munching his way through the small amount of organic material inherent in the chunks of planet. There is nowhere near enough and he still requires a lot of food, but it's enough to get him moving gently past the sun. And as luck would have it, there's another planet in this system hiding just behind the small star! Maybe they can find food for Lexx there, and hopefully they won't be imprisoned, killed, resurrected, trapped, killed, and made to marry Satan this time.

But then, as you look at the planet, it does look awfully familiar. It's blue-green and as Lexx approaches the land masses come into focus. The coastline reveals this planet to have a continent that looks very similar to North America. They thought Fire was bad? They ain't seen nothin' yet!

And as the Lexx plods inexorably towards the planet Earth, a small figure also falls repeating a litany; "No pain or joy, no pain or joy, no pain or joy..." It seems Prince is about to find a new stomping ground too...