LEXX

Newfoundland, Canada, 1901. A group of men stand on an snow encrusted lakeside, flying a kite.
"Fine weather we're having, Mr Macaroni, wha?" says one, through the icy wind.
"Marconi!" spits his companion in a fantastically bad Neapolitan accent, "Macaroni is a pasta!"
But before they can come to blows, the chap plugs in the battery, and the morse code machine attached to the kite starts clicking.
"Today we make historia!" Mr Marconi yells, for he has just invented radio.
And the little clicks are not just received by Mr Marconi on his frozen lake shore. Oh no. For that signal travels out into space, past the moon, past Mars, Jupiter, Satern, Uranus, Neptune, and even Pluto, and onward into the dark reaches of the interstellar void.

At least it looks like a void, until an innocent looking asteroid suddenly fires up some very large engines, and heads for the source of that signal.

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Washington DC, present day(ish). The President's cavalcade enters a secret looking underground bunker and passes through the high security doors. Inside, a group of very official looking chaps, no doubt from all the security agencies, are sitting around a conference table. As the president arrives, a familiar blonde haired man stands up. A blonde haired man who looks exactly like a certain ruler from the planet Fire.

"Mr President" he begins, "last tuesday ATF agents working for SETI reported that a 12 year old boy, as part of a school science project, called their headquarters reporting a large self propelled object in the vicinity of the Earth's moon." As if you illustrate the point, the lights come up on the 12 year old boy, who is chained to the wall high above the conference table. "Don't feel sorry for him", argues Prince as this poor child is likely part of the greatest threat that the human race ever faced. Extra terrestrials.
The president looks worried and concerned, and very confused. It's fairly obvious that this chap wasn't voted in for his terrifying intellect.

Prince goes on to explain that the arrival of the aliens triggered the deployment of the Haig-Schlieffen plan. To cover up the event, agents of the Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms department elimnated all those at SETI, and their relatives, and acquaintances (and possibly their local shop keepers and paper boys, although that wasn't mentioned). The death and mayhem was accredited to religious fanatics. but it's OK, because all the newpapers bought the story. Except for a few suspicious journalists, but that's OK too because they were eliminated. At times like this I bet Americans are glad to live in the "land of the free". Mr Prince congratuales the FBI, CIA, and ATF for their sterling work eradicating all evidence of the alien contact. A ripple of applause floats round the table. For a minute there I was wondering whether I was watching Lexx or one of the more paranoid episodes of the X-files! I wonder if Prince smokes...

Our intellectually challenged pres asks to be reminded about the Haig Schliefen plan (it's fairly obvious he hasn't got a clue what's going on.
"You signed it last year", Prince says, in exchange for Senators Haig and Schliefen agreeing to forget that unpleasentness with the French Ambassadors daughter. The Pres has the decency to look suitably embarassed, but is interrupted when Prince tells him that communication has been arranged with the alien ship in...oh...about 37secs. Pres is now really worried, but Prince gives him a deck of cards adorned with a picture of an alien face (you know the one - the Roswell Grey type) and tells him not to worry. All possible answers appear on the reply cards; just read the cards and don't say anything not on the cards.

The petrified Pres takes the cards nervously as Stan's face appears on screen. Oh yes, that self propelled object was indeed our own loveable Lexx. "OK," Stan addresse the President. "So, you're here, we're here. What's the deal?" "We are a benign species..." reads the Pres stiltedly, trying to make sense of the cards, but Stan is getting impatient.
"I want you to tell me what the people on your planet are going to do to make Stanley H Tweedle a happier man."
Pres looks worried, but Prince prompts him to just follow the cards. Nervously he shuffles through the pack.
"Congratulations on your birthday!" says the Pres.
But Stan doesn't even know when his birthday is, and explains that really he's far more interested in the usual; beaches, girls...you know the score.
"Our planet is decaying in it's own filth" the President tells him, "and is best avoided by all aliens." "Nice beaches," continues Stan, "good food, open minded, interesting attractive women. Make it work for me!" but he's getting right shirty now. All he wants is a good time, and the stupid Pres is giving him a hard time. Stan points out that he *is* the captain of the most powerful destructive force in the two universes, etc. etc. He's blown up plenty of planets and is about to use this one for target practice!
"We can defend ourselves..." starts the President, but Stan has decided that this conversation is over, and turns off the communicator.
Prince, looking pleased with himself, points out that now the Earth is obviously in danger and the entire Haig Schliefen plan should be put into operation. He places a document in front of the President to sign, and offers him a pen.
"I prefer to use my lucky pen, if you don't mind Isembard" says the Pres, pulling a biro with a cowboy hat on the end. But it doesn't work. Awwwwww.
"Here", says Prince, "try my lucky pen..."
The President has no choice but to sign.

Back on the Lexx, a very pissed off Stan tries to blow up the little blue planet, but his hand falls straight through the holographic command panel. Xev pushes Stan out of the way and puts her hand on the panel, which activates.
"Lexx, could you blow up that planet if I asked you to?"
"Yes I could captian," answers the dim witted spaceship. "I can blow up any planet you want. That is what I do."
"I'm the captain!" complains Stan. "I should have the key back right now!" But Xev points out that she can only transfer the key at the point of sexual ecstacy, or death. And as neither of those is about to happen... "Kill the bitch Stan!" yells 790, rather uncharitably.
"In my memories I have limited knowledge of this area," interrupts Kai, "but this planet is in center of the darkest part of the dark zone." kai suggest that they should leave it well alone.
Stan is all for that and tells xev to blow it up so Lexx can eat the chunks and they can go off to find a nice planet instead. He needn't worry though, for 790 point out that this is a classic type 13 planet, and they usually destroy themselves. Sometimes through war, often environmental catastrophe, but usually by scientists who unintentionally collapse the planet to the size of a pea while trying to discover the mass of the haigh bosen particle. (Whatever that is).
Kai asks how long it will take to get to the next habitable planet, but the Lexx is still very hungry so he cannot go very fast. It could take hundreds or thousands of years. Kai points out that this planet has organic material to meet the Lexx's dietary needs and there's no guarantee that the next system will...

On Earth, a Prisoner about to be executed by electric chair. He's strapped in, gelled up, and the prison guard asks if he has any last requests.
"Yes," answers the prisoner in a worryingly bad East European type accent.
"Could somebody please clean my fingernails? They're filthy."
With eyebrows raised, the guard cleans his fingernails, then they ready themselves to throw the switch. As the clock ticks towards frying time, however, a call comes through. The prisoner breathes a sigh of relief as he is unstrapped and lead away.
"Who was that, the govenor?" asks one guard.
"No, the ATF" replies the other.

The prisoner is brought to a small room, where he is interrogated by our favourite blonde scary chap, Prince. His name is Cobra, and he is the most psychotic killer on the planet, apparently. Although my vote for the all time nastiest piece of work would have had to go to the interrogator, rather than the interrogatee.
"Mr Cobra.." starts Prince
"Just Cobra"
Prince nods, and gives Cobra two choices. Either he can go back and be executed for his many crimes, or he can save the human race by assassinating its most dangerous enemy. Cobra looks interested by this offer, but then I suppose if you're a psycopathic killer, its the kind of thing that turns you on.
Prince explain the plan; go up in the space shuttle to intercept the enemy spacecraft, and kill the crew.
"So what's my payment?" asks Cobra.
It's a one way mission, explains Prince, as the shuttle will use up all the fuel getting there, so there's no return journey. Cobra's payment is he gets to kill more people before he dies. Prince also asks who he wants to take on the mission, apart from the NASA pilots
"Mustafa Alhambra," replies Cobra, and some chap with a Russian sounding name that I didn't catch.
"Half the CIA have been on Alhambra's trail..." interrupts one of Prince's lackeys.
"That's Mohammed Alhambra" Cobra replies testily. "Mustafa is my manicurist." The other chap is his personal trainer.

The Space Shuttle is launches and leaves the atmosphere heading for the moon. Once in space, Cobra asks how you get to be a shuttle pilot anyway. The NASA guy replies that first you have to be a top gun pilot, then it's 8 years practice in simulators, then you get to fly. But it's not that hard once you get here.
"Show me" asks Cobra
Apparently you move the gear shift to D to go forward, and R for reverse. The speed is controlled by pedal down by your foot...

Lexx is so hungry he could eat a whole planet, but Stan will only let him have a small green salad. A small green salad is not enough, says Lexx. But it will have to do.

As the shuttle approaches, NASA come through on the video link saying the Lexx is now heading for Earth. One of Cobra's cronies answers the call, but the commander insists on talking to the pilots.
"Only if you really insist" says the crony, and pulls the camera to the back of the craft where the crew have had a problem with their oxygen supply. That is, they have somehow got it tangled around their necks causing much suffocation and death. Oops. But from the whoops of Cobra's gang, it seems this was not accidental.
The shuttle continues towards Lexx, with cobra in the driving seat. But they're coming in too fast!
"No brakes!" yells Cobra, "this thing has no brakes!" So instead he tries to warn the Lexx by honking the horn. Yes, in the centre of the steering wheel, the Multi Billion Dollar space shuttle has a horn. They needn't have worried however, because the Lexx sees the shuttle as another tasty snack, and eats it.

Inside the Shuttle, in Lexx's stomach, the psycho-crew find a nuclear bomb on board. With the curiosity of a cartload of monkeys, they manage to turn it on, and the timer starts counting down from 59 minutes. Realising that this was probably a bad idea, they try to turn it off, but the bomb just keeps ticking.
Well, they said it would be a one way trip...

NASA report that the Lexx is heading for South America. The same South America that currently contains a group of fat American tourists on the trail of Luminescent Paraguayan Toucans. It'll be just like on the Discovery Channel! One of them cries whilst trying to set up his video camera. But unless the Discovery Channel is doing a UFO weekend, he is sadly mistaken, for at that moment, Lexx eats its small green salad, which is actually a large chunk of rain forest.
"You said this area was totally undisturbed!" complains a fat American as the terrified Toucans fly away. "Those birds are back here in 10 minutes or you're going to hear from my lawyers!" Funnily enough, no-one points out the difficulty of contacting Lawyers from the inside of a space vessel's stomach.

In the oval office, the President (whose mother dresses him funny), is watching the events of Election night on his TV, with Prince by his side. It seems that voters have lost confidence in the two main parties, and are instead voting for a surprise indepenant candidate by the name of Regniald J Priest. Priests qualifications for leading the most powerful nation on the Earth seem to be that he was shot down over Laos during the Vietnam war, and spent 30 years living in the Jungle. Oh, so that's OK then.
The National Security Council call, and Prince answers the phone. Apparently Lexx has taken a bite out of the Amazon rain forest, and contact has been lost with the shuttle. But as the President points out, who cares about the space shuttle on election night? (Then again from what happened last time, who cares about the election on election night?)
Priest (yes, the same Priest who served Prince on Fire), has been named President Elect.

Live at campaign headquarters, the new president (with his strange and unusual accent), pardons the previous President Davison for his "crimes".
"What crimes?" ask the assorted journalists.
"All of them" replies Priest, magnanimously. Apparently he's going to pardon all criminals whose names begin with the letter P.
"But Davison begins with a D" one of the not so stupid journos points out.
"P and D then" replies Priest. One gets the feeling that it's out of the frying pan and into the fire for the American political system.

Back on the Lexx, 790 is asking Stan whether he thinks Kai prefers him or Xev. never missing the opportunity for a wind up, Stan says that Kai probably prefers Xev. In fact, yeah, he's sure of it. The fuming robot head says he wants to kill Xev, and if Stan helps him then they could kill Xev and then Kai would love him and Stan would get the key back. Stan says that, not being a psychotic robot head, he'll have to decline 790's offer and heads off the bridge. But 790 is determined to find a way.

"I'll kill her for you", says Cobra, appearing on the bridge with his cronies.
"You're not attracted to 6000 year old dead men, are you?", asks a worried 790.
"In what sense?" (In what sense?? How many senses are there?)
"In a madly passionately robot head in love sense?" explains 790
Cobra thinks about it, but then has to reply "No."
"I could be..." says Mustafa.

In the Cryochamber, Stan wakes Kai. He's worried that 790 is getting out of control and will try to kill Xev.
"Do you want me to destroy 790?" asks Kai, to which we all shout, YES! But Stan is not that nasty. Although he can't stand 790, he's kinda like part of the family.
"What family?" asks Kai.
"Us!" replies Stan, slightly hurt.
As they head for the bridge, Stan asks Kai to try and persuade Xev to leave this planet, but Kai says the Lexx needs to eat more. So what does Kai suggest?
"The dead do not make suggestions...normally" replies the dead one, but on this occasion, he reckons the Lexx needs to eat, and there's food on the blue planet. There's a plan there somewhere...

Inside the Lexx's stomach, some tourists are still walking through the remains of a rain forest, until one of them stops and looks up.
"Isn't that the space shuttle?"

Xev is in her chamber, filing her nails.
"Xev" she looks round to find a strange man in her bedroom, which, whilst normally not a problem, is kinda worrying.
"May I do that for you?" Cobra asks.
"Who are you?" asks Xev, and rightly so.
Cobra tells her that he too is a Love Slave, poo-pooing her protestations that only women are Love Slaves. He explains that he's been on the Lexx ever since they left the Cluster, and sealed himself inside a tube in the moth breeding chamber to survive all this time. Xev doesn't look convinced, but gives him the benefit of the doubt, especially when he starts going on about his special talents, and special needs.
"I can't hold on any longer", he confesses
"Nor can I," says Xev, getting up off the bed.

On the bridge, Kai tells 790 not to kill Xev. 790 tries to woo Kai, saying they could go and live on the moon, seeing as neither of them need to breathe. Kai, I must say, seems to be having a really hard time with this whole robo-sexual thing and looks as embarassed as a dead man can every time 790 speaks.
"Kai is dead", points out Stan, and therefore can't 'live' anywhere. But 790 suddenly wants to talk to Stan, and tries to identify with him. He compares Stan's lust for Xev with his lust for Kai. Both impossible, both unattainable, yet all consuming. Kai becomes suspicious of 790.
"What are you not telling me?" asks Kai
"It hurts to lust for the dead"
"That is not it"
"What is it then?"
"You tell us"
790 cannot hold out under his loved one's gaze, and blurts out that he told them everything they needed to know to get the key if they killed Xev.
"Who?" asks Kai
"I don't know!" yells 790 indignantly, "The evil murderers who came on to the bridge!" Of course.
Kai runs off to search for Xev...

...who is in the galley, suggestively eating goo with Cobra.
"I have a surprise for you Xev" he offers seductively. "I'm a bad boy"
Apparently that's OK, because Xev is a bad girl.
"I do believe that baby," Cobra slimes, "but I intended to kill you to get the key to this ship. But now I've seen what you look like *in-the-flesh* I'm going to 'do' you first. And when I've had my complete satisfaction, I'm going to squeeze the life right out of you."
What a chat up line! What girl could resist...
"Why are you telling me this?" asks Xev, confused more than worried.
"It makes it more excitiing, doesnt it?" says the screwed up little psycho.
"No" shrugs Xev, and makes to leave the galley, but Cobra grabs her arm.
"Well it does for me baby and that's all that counts."
So Xev plays him at his own game. "I'm not a baby - go ahead big boy and 'do' me"
But Cobra suddenly seems more interested in Xev's clothes and nails than her lady bits, offering to do her nails for her. Then when they're perfect he'll kill her. Finally Xev says what we've all been thinking all along.
"I don't think you're well."
"Maybe not but you'll be a well manicured corpse..."
Cobra's train of thought is rudely interrupted by Xev's best cluster lizard shriek.
"What was that?" Cobra asks, startled.
"I'm a little more than just a love slave..." explains Xev executing a very nifty little back somersault to show him some of her agility. Shame he won't get to experience it first hand, but what can you do?
"I'm also part cluster lizard. A very nasty animal." She says, pushing him back against the wall. "You were almost right, but I'm going to *do* you. And when I've got my personal satisfaction, I'm going to snap you in two..."

Kai and Stan, searching for Xev, comes across the manicurist and personal trainer (two more dangerous professions I haven't discovered), who pull guns on them.
"Stand behind me Stan" advises Kai, who's seen this kind of thing before. "Where is Xev?" he asks the loonies.
"She's about to have a problem with her oxygen supply." one of them boasts, which of course doesn't do anything to improve Kai's mood. It is even less improved by them shooting him lots, with Stan cowering behind him, using him like a human riot shield. Kai, unsurprisingly, fails to die and instead kills them both with one shot, one on the outward and one on the rebound. Nice.
"What happened?" asks Stan, who was too busy cowering to see what went on.
"They're dead" replies Kai. "How?" "Divine Assassins are very efficient killers"

Xev is confused by what Cobra next pulls out of his pocket (no, not that, get your mind out the gutter!)
"What's that?"
"It's a gun - the last thing you're ever going to see." replies Cobra, King of Smooth. He points the gun directly at her at point blank range
"Bye bye"
The Key however, pre-empts the next move. Not wishing to be stuck in a corpse with a gun shot wound in it's head, it decides 'right, I'm outta here!' and leaves Xev's body, floating out into the space between her and Cobra. Luckily for our heroes, Kai picks that moment to appear round the corner and shoot Cobra very very dead indeed. The Key, having lost its other option, has no choice but to head back into Stan, who looks very pleased with himself.

"I must have been on the edge of death" says Xev, remarkably unfazed by the whole thing. I don't think she quite got the whole point of guns.
"The very edge" intones Kai.
At this point I could point out that half of series 3 could have been avoided if the Key had exhibited this cute little trait earlier. I could also point out that Zev could have done this in Terminal, saving herself all the trouble of having to almost die on the table of Dr Kazan. I could, in fact, point out that Stan has been on the edge of death many, many times throughout his custodianship of the Key, and it has never felt the need to zoom off to the nearest living being, not even for a change of scene. Otherwise we'd currently be watching "Lexx - The Twisted Adventures of Feppo and Smoor".
I could point this out, but I won't. I'll put it down to the ever growing list of EPI's (Endearing Plot Imperfections), and try not to become too anal about it, otherwise I'll have to start making latex Klingon ears and calling myself Kaylar. or something.
So, EPI's aside, that's how Stan gets the key back.
"Lexx?"
"Yes captain"
"Who's your captain?"
"Stan, Stan and only Stan"

Meanwhile, deep in the belly of the Lexx, the tourists have discovered the dangerous secret of the Space Shuttle.
"Don't they make Atomic bombs?" one says, reading the manufacturer's name on the side.
He would have been pleased to know, in his last millisecond before the blast seared his face off and melted his body into a small pile of carbon, that he was right.

"What was that?" Stan and Xev want to know, as the sound of the blast rumbles through the Lexx.
"I think I must have eaten something hot" replies the indigestion-troubled ship.
"That was a 23.4 megaton atomic explosion, the most advanced weapons they have" explains 790, not that he felt the need to mention it before. But then it's done the Lexx no harm whatsoever, so who cares?
Now that all that unpleasantness is over, Stan gets back to the business in hand. Destroying that stupid little blue planet. But Xev objects. Just because some people are bad doen't mean they all are, she reasons. Stan begrudgingly agrees to leave the planet be, as long as they can get the hell out of there as soon as possible. Xev, however, wants to explore. This is the last straw for Stan though, and he's definitely not going down to that planet, not no-how, not never. He might not even wait for Xev if she does go down there.
"If I like what I see I'll stay. If not, I'll leave with you." Xev promises, and asks Kai if he'll accompany her down to the planet.
"If you would like", he replies
"I would like!"
says Xev. But 790 cannot bear to see his beloved disappear to a strange world with the slut, so insists on going with them.
"You will remain here with Stanley" says Kai, as they leave.
"Robot head, I am gonna melt you down" promises Stan, left alone on the bridge with the lovesick head.
"How?"
"I'll find a way..."

The moth leaves, looking for adventure on the new planet. But in the distance is a large asteroid surrounded by a cloud of sharp spiky things headed straight for earth.