LEXX

Well, I have got to say that to date, this has been the most absolutely entertaining episode. It totally held my attention every minute and I laughed like mad from start to finish!

We open with a wee Cockney granny crooning to her sweet little calico cat, Buttons, and serving up the little thing's brekkie on a bright morning. Buttons goes off to investigate something in the bushes. There's a fearful shaking and caterwauling ... and little Buttons emerges, red-eyed as a demon, with a horrible mechanical meow and walking like she's just been to visit the Vet from Hell! Erm, Ma'am? Yes, I would definitely say there's something wrong with your pussy!!! So much for the Sacred Cow of Animal Rights - I had to cover TaiTai's eyes for that searing scene!

In the Oval Office, Priest is practicing his official signature, while his First Lady (Lorca from Love Grows) rails at him about what a spineless jellyfish he is for bowing down and taking orders from Prince. She persuades him (and he's easy to persuade really - hehe, biddable I think the word is, and I'm sure that's why Prince had him installed in the first place), that he has the power now to be rid of Prince forever and they make a plan. (Now this scene really made me wonder, while Priest was hanging about the jungle for 30 years, where was the wifey-poo all that time? Were they camping out together or what? And, what the heck is his aide doing dressed in a Stanley Tweedle costume? Has Stan already become a fashion maven on this planet? And how come he doesn't have some under-aged, nubile intern in a blue dress instead? Annnnyways, on with it.)

Driving down the road to Orlando, we see an average dysfunctional American family, ruled by the chubby, snotty kid with the vapid, moronic mother in total collusion and silent, morose Dad just trying to drive and enjoy his lousy beer! Junior whines about wanting to see the alligator pit - you just know Daddy-O is thinking what we're all thinking - 'Please dear God, let's get there, let's let this kid see the alligator pit - from the inside!' I do believe I see a 'Falling Down' episode looming here.

Priest and his Stan-lookalike aide arrive to conference with Captain Tweedle. (Stanley, Stanley, Stanley, when anybody calls you 'Captain Tweedle' - look out!!) The Prez with great assurance, masterfully shoos away the ATF guards. Priest suggests to Stan that they have a mutual interest in getting Prince out of the way and wants to know if Stanley could use the Lexx to destroy the SlimyGit™. Ole cagey Stanley of course, wants to know what's in the deal for him.

Oh, this was too funny. Priest tells Stan he can be the King of Newfoundland, which he describes as a beautiful island paradise of "Wine, women and constant song.. beautiful sunny gardens all year round." Stanley thinks this sounds like a bit of alright, but is of course, mostly interested in what the women are like and the Prez winkingly assures him that "they're not very picky!" Hahahahahahaha! Hey Stanley! You wanna buy a great bridge? I've got one going cheap! Stanley, you fool! You coulda held out for Nova Scotia!

Down at the Washington bus depot, we see the current crop of bare-midriffed, short-skirted interns arriving, plus Xev and Kai step off a coach (no idea how they paid the fare, do you suppose Kai hijacked the thing? He's been pretty darned stroppy so far in this season). Kai accosts (politely to begin with) a black guy getting off the bus to ask where they could find Stanley Tweedle. We hear one of the funniest lines of this season so far, "Outta my way Bunhead!" Kai, is NOT amused! He assaults the guy with brace to throat and demands to know who's in charge of this city (geeeeze, let's not ever take Kai shopping for a pair of new boots. The rude, disinterested clerks would be guaranteed to generate mayhem in response!). The poor black dude chokes out the requisite answers and flees.

(Now I just have to add here for those who think Lexx is just impossible to believe and totally unrealistic, that I actually saw something like this once. Er.. not the part about a Divine Assassin wringing his captive for information. The part where Xev is interestedly checking out the guy's afro. I was in Denmark, and there were these American tourist chaps, one of whom was a black guy, kneeling down to take some photographs. A nice Danish lady was standing behind him, checking out his Afro with her fingers - I swear this is absolutely true!- and giggling to her friend beside her. The guy stood up, smiled at them, and says 'Naturally curly'. Well, we all laughed!! The Danes are great!) And Xev's teasing zinger at the finish of this scene, "Nice work, Bunhead", made me laugh even harder!

So, Prez sticks his waiter up on the wall, and sets Stanley free. Stanley guarantees he'll call Priest as soon as he's back on the Lexx, and cautions him to get the exact location of Prince. Kai and Xev see the moth circling over the Washington monument as they stand in front of the White House, and Kai hitches a ride for himself and Xev.

Prince, in his ATF dungeon headquarters (under the White House it looks like!) listens to the latest newscast and we hear....it's Giggerota!!! Ha! She's come back, like all the other baddies from the Light Universe! (so far, we haven't seen any of the nice people, oh no that's not true, we saw Brock from Gametown as the Missionary last week - I wonder what Mantrid is going to appear as? Some nutcase Iraqui bigmouth maybe?). Anyways, Giggy, cannibal and Queen, and currently a Miami real estate agent named Genevieve G. Rota, has been promoted... to Pope!! LOL!!! Oh well, she has a nice Catholic Italian sounding name this go round. It'll be 'Letta the good timesa roll' at the ole Vatican!

Prince, being the total SlimyGit™ that he is and ever alert to betrayal (as he betrays all others around him), also twigs to what Priest has done in freeing Stanley. He looks a tad concerned at the thought of Stan back at the helm of the Lexx and proceeds with his own plan.

Prince calls up the Prez and feeds him a meal of false information about being off the coast of Florida. Priest misses the silky but ominous mention that Prince is meeting with a couple of Cuban hitmen! He excitedly pulls out an atlas and manages to locate 'the part that sticks out' hehehe...that erm, big part called Florida!

On the bridge of the Lexx, 790 greets his darling, "Kai-o-licioussssss" when suddenly, we hear a telephone ringing! hahahahaha! How goofy! Anyway, it's Priest calling of course, to alert Stanley that they are just pinning down Prince's exact location. The Prez is standing there in the Oval Office with a pistol-grip mounted teeny, tiny satellite phone dish! to make contact with Stan.

Then ensues a comedy of modern communications, while Priest chats with Prince on one phone getting the exact latitude, longitude of Prince's meeting place (which Prince has all ready to go, all the while sitting in his austere dungeon office below the president's office). Prince patiently gives the co-ordinates (accurately too I think, of course, he isn't actually at that location...and who the heck is that poor skeletal schmuck stuck between the floor joists?!) Stanley assures Priest that he's got the co-ordinates....tcheah right!, and the Prez proudly asks the wifey what she thinks of his plan now. She replies sarcastically that she thinks he should have rotted in the jungle and she should have married Dr. SchnappsKlapper (named for drunken Friday night orgies)! Hahahahaha! Oh my, I think this marriage is on the rocks! LOL!

On the Lexx, Stanley debates with Xev about the rightness of firing on the co-ordinates, in order to destroy Prince. Stanley asserts that of course it's right to get rid of the nasty SlimyGit™, he's a curse to everybody on the planet, and how could she imagine otherwise! Xev, long familiar with Stan's propensity for screw-ups wonders what happens if Lexx can't control his beam and incinerates a bunch of innocents (erm, assuming there are any in Florida of course). He insists that Lexx and he have been doing target practice (ha! I guess that's what Pluto was!) and are good together. Xev then questions whether Prince is like he was on Fire, and can just come back again. Stanley, who knows quite well that he can, withholds this information!! (Stanley, what are you doing???) He proceeds to give the co-ordinates to Lexx (wrongly of course, Stanley was never good remembering numbers higher than 4), and, Kai doesn't say a word about his error, and neither does 790 (and I bloody well expect that they both can remember exactly the co-ordinates that Prince gave. BTW, Prince is lucky that Stanley isn't more forgetful... he could have accidentally given the co-ordinates for Washington! hehe, oh well, DisneyWorld, Washington, what's the diff?).

Lexx incinerates Orlando. Good shootin' Lexx! He did well and made a nice, tight shot there. And, Junior gets a nice close-up of the alligator after all. However, it leaves the Prez and Mrs. with a problem - what to do when Prince finds out! Mrs. Prez sucks up to Prince and outlines a plan for dealing with GatorGate.

On the Lexx, Stanley is all for getting away from this hellish planet right now. Xev doesn't want to leave yet, and Kai points out the unfortunate logistics of Lexx's need to eat, plus Stan and Xev's mortality. (790 has a plan all worked out for that problem, but Stan tells him to shut-up!)

In order to get away though, they simply must find something more for Lexx to eat, and Stanley gives him permission to gobble up Holland! Whoa! Tense scene of loyalties and ethics stretched to the max here! Kai, still clearly responsive to a basic ethic of right action, assures Stan that if Xev asks him to, he'll kill Stan, and the Key will return to Xev. Stanley flees, ordering Lexx to seal the bridge, which he does. (Hey, there's a neat trick, haven't seen Lexx do that before.) This makes little matter to Kai though and he shoots his brace through the barrier, and Stanley is forced to stand down. Holland is saved! (Hey, what about the U.K.? It's about the same size and pretty close by. Wouldn't disturb much for Lexx to scoop up that lil island there would it? It's not connected to anything, hehehehe, I'm just kidding Emerald;-) )

Prince, and his presidential lapdog couple, present a solution to the press regarding the Orlando fiasco, in the form of a doctored videotape (naturally found by ATF agents, oh those noble soldiers of the State! in the offices of an opposing political party), of Priest disguised as Cuban General 'mumblemumble' threatening to blow up Orlando. With smarmy smoothness, Princey allays the suspicions of one reporter about the CLEARLY visible Washington Monument seen behind the phony, spitting general, and Priest proceeds to nuke Cuba in "Operation Cigarillo", which ties up the problem of GatorGate nicely, from the Prez and Lady's point of view. The football hotphone was a hoot! Prince, listening to the evening news, hears the announcer later mention the nuking casually, tacking it on to the end of the report, saying "There's been no reaction so far from Havana." hahahahahha! I think I've lost count of Sacred Cows....and there's more moos to come yet!

NASA lets Prince know that the Lexx is seen to be retreating away from the Earth. This doesn't suit him AT ALL, cause he wants the Lexx to be able to get away from Earth when he's finished having his party. He 'phones' Stan! He commences his sales act, dangling bribes of the Vice-Presidency for Stanley, and being Queen of England for Xev ... "The position is currently filled, but all it would take to free it up would be a couple of phone calls." Oh LOL!!! Moooo!! erm...what about all them others in line? Just think Xevvy, all those gardens and antiques... and all the fish n' chips, tripe, and ale you could hold! I notice he didn't offer Kai or 790 anything.... maybe later?

Xev has a better idea and asks Kai if he'd kill Prince if she and Stanley asked him to. Kai fixes his unwinking stare on Prince and says...."Yes." Gulp! No doubt about it, Kai is in a mood in this season! Prince looks a bit uncomfortable, but he loftily assures them that as head of the ATF he's securely protected. Kai gives the lie to that though and describes one of his previous assassinations, where he went through over 2,000 guards in order to reach his target. Prince says he'd just come back, like on Fire. Kai and Xev don't believe him (again, why don't you say something Stanley?! You know he can come back, but it hurts now! And Kai's full time job could be offing Prince over and over again). Prince then says all the evil souls from Fire came back with him, and that it won't make any difference if he's dead, the planet will be just as bad because of all the other gits. (Now, I'd dispute this myself, since Prince is notably a whole big, concentrated chamberpot of badness and gittiness all by himself, I say getting rid of him would certainly help some anyways), but in the end, Kai agrees that eliminating Prince would have little effect. (Awww....can't we try and see?) And, they don't believe Prince and decide they'll be moving on.

Prince is irritated and frustrated about this, and goes to take it out on Priest. He confronts him about his attempt to get rid of Prince. Naturally, Priest fingers the First Lady. Prince drags them off to Dallas and along the route of JFK's doomed motorcade. He orders all the security services to butt out, and gives them an object lesson in Presidential obedience, with clearly marked ATF sharpshooters blasting about five million rounds at the car
(I think they managed to hit the pink-suited, Jackie-bewigged, First Lady bout three times while Priest was cowering behind her, using her as a shield ... par for the course, from how capable we've seen them to date! Major MOOOOOOOOOO here!). At any rate, it works for Priest, he's ready to do whatever Prince tells him from now on.

Granny brings poor Buttons to the vet (he'll wish he'd had more to drink I bet!) and he gets one heck of a surprise as one of the marauding carrots slices it's way out! The end!

Man, that was one huge herd of cows!! You Beans had better slow down, they won't last at this rate! I must say, I'm noticing a distinct lack of nipples in Lexx this season too. Did you guys shoot'em all off or what? (hehe, okay you guys, I just saw the REAL version of P4X, I take it back - you didn't shoot them all off.)