LEXX

On Zev's instructions, 790 is searching the entire Dark Zone for Brunnis - the ancient homeworld of the Brunnen-G. Unfortunately he hasn't a clue where it is, and it's going to take a good few thousand years to search the entire universe. And although Zev appears to be quite happy to spend the rest of her life searching for it, Stan is not. He doesn't care whether Brunnis contains the secret to bringing Kai back to life or not, and is obviously irked that Zev rejects all his advances. Zev has had enough of his whining, and decides to take a shower.

In the goo at the bottom of the long drop from the edge of the bridge, something is stirring.

Zev is naked, apart from her rubber restraints (calm down boys), and enjoying a shower which spurts water from a more than phallic looking hose. Stan can't resist taking a peek, and is standing behind her when she senses his presence.
"What do you want Stan?" she asks. Stan, embarrassed at being caught ogling, explains how he would like to do certain things to her, and asks how, when she's got such an accelerated libido, she can resist him? Zev agrees, she has a body that needs to be touched, pleasured, how she is a white hot volcano of desire...
Stan whispers that he too is a volcano, to which Zev replies that there is only one thing he can do then...
"Go somewhere quiet, and erupt by yourself"

Stan is standing on the edge of the bridge, attempting to look as if he's about to jump, but holding on very tight, just in case. "What are you doing Stan..?" asks Zev, who has appeared fresh from her shower. Stan says he will jump, and then she'll be left all alone in a ship she can't control... Zev is unimpressed by this and makes it clear she will not be blackmailed into sex. "There's just not much to like about you" she tells him. While Stan tries to tell her that she could grow to love him, she will not be moved. So, he tries, what about a last kiss for a dying man...? Zev gives in, and allows Stan to kiss her. It is a very amusing kiss. I don't think I've ever seen anyone's face register so much disgust as hers when his thin, dry lips attempt to attach themselves to hers. "Well?" he asks, when he finally stops, "Thunder?" "Uuuh", she replies. "Great - you're in love with the dead guy!" he realises. "He's not completely dead..." she retorts.

The something that was stirring in the goo down below stands up and roars. Giggerota is back, and she is hungry.

790 still cannot locate Brunnis. Zev realises that this is going to take a very long time, so decides to go and wake Kai to see if he has any ideas. She hops in the moth with Stan and heads for the Cryochamber.

Giggerota is very hungry. She has already torn a piece off a moth, much to the moth's surprise, and has headed for the Cryochamber. After all, frozen meat is better than no meat. Unable to open Kai's cryopod, she attacks the supply tubing in frustration, pulling it loose and sending freezing gas into the room. She is about to attempt to eat Kai when Zev and Stan land. Giggerota is very pleased by this, as fresh meat is far superior to frozen. As she lunges for Zev, Kai's brace stops her in her tracks. "Dinner is cancelled" he rasps.

Stan ties Giggerota firmly to the wall, (although why they didn't just freeze her, I'll never know), as Kai prepares to re-enter stasis. "I suppose we'd better get back to hunting for Brunnis" remarks Stan, on his way out. "What do you mean, hunting?" asks Kai. "That stoopid robot doesn't know where it is" Stan grunts. "I do" says Kai. He explains that they learnt about Brunnis is school, and that the mark on his cheek symbolises the Brunnen-G journey into the light universe. But why do they want to go there anyway? Zev explains that she wants to find a way to bring him back to life - doesn't he want that? "I was not aware the Brunnen-G had discovered the secret of life, and, I do not want" he replies. "I want" says Zev. "So, we're really going then?" asks Stan, obviously hoping the answer is going to be no. "Yes!" enthuses a very happy Zev.

The Brunnis sun is clearly on it's way out. It is surrounded by a network of stablilisation satellites which fire energy bolts into it at regular intervals, preventing it from going Supernova. As the Lexx arrives, Stanley, thinking he knows the first thing about piloting a space-ship, tells it to reduce speed by 50%. This causes Lexx to lose all stability and head crashing towards the planet's surface. "46 seconds to impact!" screams 790..."The man is an idiot!" he cries, as he rolls across the deck of the bridge. Everyone is thrown off balance as Stan tries "25%". This only makes it worse and they are about to impact. Stan tries various different speeds until Kai motions to him that he should just ask the Lexx to "land". Which Lexx does, saving them from certain extinction at the hands of Manly Stanley.

Brunnis has been abandoned for a long time. The colours are all muted browns and reds, with the only movement being from the huge energy stabilisers that supply power to the orbiting satellites. They are gargantuan versions of the "thing that goes pzzzzzt" that was always set dressing in those old black and white films full of mad scientists in laboratories. The moth picks it's way through the towering stabilisers, flying over a city full of buildings that look like they've been plucked from Vietnamese temples and transported to ancient egypt. "I studied the Brunnis sky as a child" remarks Kai. "That star," he points to a large blue orb close to the dying sun, "I do not know that star". "What's that?" asks Stan, gesturing towards a building in the shape of an enormous head. "The memory chambers" Kai answers, "Where the knowledge of the Brunnen G was stored". Thinking this as good a place to start as any, they land the moth and head towards the giant doors.

Back on board the Lexx, Giggerota has freed herself from the rope that Stan tied her with, by using her rather unusual body part. It seems that Giggerota has a large snakey thing living in her, (or maybe it is her, or maybe it's controlling her - who knows?), and this shoots out of her mouth and bites through the bonds. Giggerota then heads for the bridge, where she encounters 790, who she greets with "Metalhead!". He responds in kind - "Leatherass!" Giggerota wants to know where the crew are, but 790 won't tell her. She is hungry and wants to eat them, but 790 holds out, even when she threatens to eat "canned food"! Just as she is about to throw him off the edge of the bridge in frustration, however, she hears a noise...like many voices very softly calling her name. She leaves to investigate, bouncing 790's head off the floor instead.

"How do we get in?" asks Stan, as a beam of blue light hits them full face and scans them. As if by magic, a hologram appears. She is a woman who wears the same fetching hairstyle as Kai, and she welcomes them to the memory chambers, until she is rudely interrupted by changing into a hologram of a man dressed in evening wear with a large white flower in his button hole. He apologises for the previous boring hologram and introduces himself as "Poet Man". Then he bids them come inside...

Passing through the giant stone doors, which have opened automatically, the little group find themselves in a lobby full of stairways and statues, like a Victorian stately home. Poet Man reappears on one of the stairways, and explains how, when the whole population of Brunnis was preparing to leave when the planet could no longer support life, they had a farewell party. He did a couple of Kaboo flowers and, well, "you know those Kaboo...! You wake up four days later and the whole planet's empty!" Aaaah - poor Poet Man got left behind, much to his disgust, and set about re-recording all the holograms in the library to be his own. Of course, he's long dead by know as this is at least 2,000 years after the planet was abandoned.

Giggerota has found the source of the voices. It is the Divine Predecessors who have been calling her. She thinks they will be a marvellous source of food, until she takes a bite out of one. "Uurgh!" she cries, spitting out bits of brain. "Too salty!" "Yes, we are old, mouldy!" the others cry, and show Giggerota instead a vision of the planet of her dreams. Dexter 9 - The Planet of the Milk-Fed Boys... images of naked, very well muscled men stroll across her mind, ending with two carrying a large platter containing another boy, happily sitting on a bed of salad. She licks her lips...

Zev decides to go exploring and wanders into a circular room with many doors. Above each door is a symbol, which are activated by treading on certain floor tiles. As Zev tries a few out, the woman hologram appears. There are doors for, among others, History and Nature, and the one that Zev chooses - "Life". As she approaches the door, ignoring Kai's warnings that that symbol doesn't only mean life, a bright sparkly light shoots our from the door and surrounds her in it. She dissolves and disappears through the crack in the door into the room beyond

Giggerota is in a moth. She has made a deal with the brain to bring Stanley back to the Lexx and leave Kai behind so that when the sun goes Supernova, he will be killed and end the prophecy. They have told her how to turn off the stabilisers and stop their effect on the sun. She heads the little moth towards the memory chambers, pausing only to bite a chunk off it. The moth chatters in pain...

"I've remembered what that symbol means" says Kai. "It means 'Burst of Life'. We should follow her". "We?" sneers Stan "She likes you!" Kai steps towards the door and is soon engulfed in the same light as Zev, and disappears. Stan is left alone. Poet Man appears before him. "Hey, Person!" he shouts "I've got a question for you! What burns inside?" Stan shrugs. "Loneliness" snarls Poet Man, "And realising that this is the way it's always going to be." Stan looks sadly at his feet. "You know what you want?" Poet Man starts. Stan shakes his head. "That warm feeling inside...?" Stan looks up. "Love" replies Poet Man. "If you want it, say 'I want love'" Stan giggles. "Say it! 'I want love! I want love!'" "I want love" says Stan. "Oh yeah, baby baby you gonna get it!" Poet Man cries, and with that, a light engulfs Stan and he disappears.

Zev is floating in space, asleep. She comes to rest and wakes up. Above her, huge holograms of her parents explain, as they did all those years ago, that it's not that they don't love her, it's just that sometimes children don't turn out as you expect. They'll look after her in the holocare home, they're professionals. Tears well in Zev's eyes as the hologram changes. SHe is behind bars and a woman is teaching her to say "Are you comfortable, dahhling?" Zev shakes her head with fear at the memory as her voice rings out, repeating the phrase. "Very good Zev, at this rate you'll be eligible for the wife bank in 6 years. Doesn't that make you happy?" The image fades as the voice of the Brunnen-G librarian tells her that this is her past, she cannot change it, but she can choose her future in the Burst of Life.

"Zev!" a voice calls. She turns... "Zev!" "Kai!" she calls "You're..." "Alive!" he cries, as he stands in front of her, dressed in bright colours and smiling with joy. "And I want you" he runs over to her and takes her hand.

Note to the reader: at this point, they sing a song. It's not a good song, and Kai's dancing leaves a lot to be desired, but he has a very cute bum and can be forgiven. This is perhaps not supposed to be a comedy moment, but it is, so watch it.

As his voice trails off, singing the last line of how he will love Zev forever, he disappears. Zev looks around, but the light is blinding...

Stan is in a room which looks like a 1970's pimp's lair on bad acid. Huge lava-lamp effects cover the room in red light, and phallic symbols are everywhere. As he walks into the room, clamps catch his arms, legs and head, and he is propelled towards a machine, which diagnoses his gender. Unfortunately, as with all machines over 2,000 years old, the warranty has run out and it says Stan is female. Poet Man, who has joined him, is overjoyed, as this means that the semen that he preserved frozen before he died can live again! Stan is held fast by the clamps as a quivering syringe full of, well, y'know, is slowly but surely manouevred towards him by a mechanical arm...

Zev wakes up. She is strapped to a bed held by clamps in the form of hands. She struggles but cannot get free. As she turns her head, she sees Kai on a similar contraption lying next to her. "Kai! what is this?" she calls. "It is the Burst of Life" he replies, ever the informative one. A screen flicks on above them, and explains how they have chosen death, and through it the gift of eternal life. This machine will capture their memories and store them on CD for future generations. Unfortunately they will have to be cut in half for this to happen, but they will feel no pain. The machine starts clanking and heads towards Kai, a circular saw pointing directly at him. The bed on which he lies springs apart, separating his legs, and the saw begins it's terminal journey. As it reaches Kai, it begins to cut him straight up the middle, stopping as it reaches his chest. Being dead, of course, Kai cannot feel this, but Zev is screaming in terror. Kai's memories begin to flood out of him, being caught by the little blue disc held above his head. When they have all been absorbed, the saw moves on upwards, cutting him clean in two. He falls apart on either side of the bed leaving only a thin slice of himself still on the top. Arms come down and grab the slice, fitting the disc into the head part. The saw resets itself, and moves over towards Zev.

Stanley is screaming as the syringe moves ever closer "Help me! I'm not a woman!". Suddenly a rock crashes down on the mechanical arm, stopping it in it's tracks. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" grovels Stan, then "Who's there? Zev? Kai?" "Hello Skinman" growls Giggerota. Stan is scared, but grateful. "Where are Zev and Kai?" he asks. "Boyfriend and girlfriend are back aboard the big bug" she replies, as she starts to undo his restraints. He stands up, and Giggerota leads him out of the room. Running along passages, she suddenly stops. "Wait here" she tells him, and presses a wall from which a door slides open. She disappears inside, leaving him to peek through after her. She crosses a thin bridge across a deep pit to a panel on the other side of the room. There are many lit blocks, some pushed in and some standing proud of the wall. She carefully counts across from the left, her fingers finding the correct block. She presses it and the block slides into the wall. A voice echoes around the room "Thank you for deactivating the stabilisers. All primary power is being diverted from main systems. You have 45 minutes to Supernova".

The circular saw halts in it's tracks, the power supply being lost to power down the stabilisers. Zev breathes a sigh of relief.

Stan rushes into the room "What are you doing?" he shrieks. He pushes the block and it ejects itself out of the wall. "Main power is being restored" the voice says. "You'll get us all killed!" Stan shouts at Giggerota.

The circular saw, power restored, continues on it's journey towards Zev. The bed springs apart, separating her legs, and she screams.

Turning to go back to the Lexx, he sees Giggerota again push the block, which slides back in, and the countdown to destabilisation resumes.

The power supply, again disrupted, causes the circular saw to stop

Giggerota lets slip that Zev and Kai are not on the Lexx, but still on the planet, and Stan turns again and pushes the button. Giggerota tries a different tack. She grabs him, and tells him how she would like to fly away on the big bug, and turn it into their own private love-ship. Stanley is almost fooled by this, but won't leave Zev and Kai. Giggerota is angered by his refusal to come with her, and hits him so hard she knocks him over. She hits the block again, restarting the countdown, then, running across the bridge, she turns and yells "Giggerota doesn't need Skinman to fly the big bug, only skinman's hand!" and with that, the big snakey thing comes out of her mouth and bites off Stanleys right hand. She bolts for the Lexx. Stan is in shock, but gets up and heads out of the room, desperately searching for Zev and Kai.

The circular saw again resumes it's voyage towards Zev's crotch

Stan staggers through passages until he enters a room full of slices of people, like the one taken from Kai. He stumbles forwards, touching one of the blue discs hanging from the slices. Immediately an image is projected into his mind, that of a brave young warrior being presented with a medal for fighting the insects. He lets go of the disc as if it were hot. Then decides to try another. This one contains the voice of an old man, writing about the death of Brunnis, and how they will all soon have to leave. Again he lets go, and continues making his way towards the other side of the room. Faint from loss of blood, however, he stumbles and falls, dragging a slice down with him. "Stanley Tweedle!" the Time Prophet calls. "My name's not Stanley Tweedle!" complains the voice of the man who used to be this slice. "This is far more important," says the Time Prophet in Stan's mind. "5,000 years from now, Stanley Tweedle will enter the memory chambers on Brunnis, and will touch your slice of life. Stanley Tweedle, you must save Zev and Kai!" She gives him instructions to reach them, which he has to go back and check, but he staggers to his feet and sets off according to her directions.

Giggerota has reached the Lexx, with Stanley's hand which she has mounted on a stick. She holds it up against Lexx's hand shaped keyhole, but he does not respond. "Lexx! I command you to lift off!" She screams in outrage. The Lexx ignores her. She makes for the chamber containing the Divine Predecessors.

Counting the blocks that the Time Prophet told him would lead to Zev and Kai, Stanley reaches a series of hatches. He counts his way to the right one, and lifts the hatch. Zev is below, on the bed, with the saw getting perilously close. "Stan!" she calls, relieved. "Hang on Zev, I'm coming!" he shouts down. Cradling his injured arm, he grabs the only thing available to him, the rope on which Kai's slice of life is suspended. He starts to lower himself down, raising the slice into the room above. Then he stops. The slice is caught on the pulley above and will not go any further. The saw is still moving closer to Zev, but now he's stuck 20 feet above her, with no way up or down. The slice of life is hauled into a beam of bright blue light, which catches the disc of Kai's memories. The light wanders through the hatch onto the floor below, and slowly moves towards Kai's still divided body. As it alights on his hand, it starts to twitch. Zev looks up. The saw has been stopped by a perfectly aimed weapon. She turns her head in time to see Kai reassembling himself. Zev is overjoyed. "I'm feeling altogether better" remarks the man with no sense of humour. He walks forward into the light, which falls on his face in a very pleasant way (I might add). "It is that star" he observes.

Giggerota is taking her frustration out on the brains. They are suffering many casualties, despite trying to explain that they need Stanley, not just his hand. "The Lexx knows his voice!" they cry "You must bring him back!" Giggerota gives up and heads back to the moth. As she leaves the room, the remaining brains start to laugh. On the bridge, voices filter up from below, slowly forming into a passable impression of Stanley's voice. "Lexx, I order you to depart immediately". "As you command, Stan" replies the Lexx, and prepares for take off.

Stan has lead Zev and Kai to the stabiliser control room. He is sure he knows which button to press, but had better be sure because the time is down to 10 minutes before total destruction of this system by the implosion of the Brunnis Sun. He presses the block. Alarms ring and tell him that he has 10 heartbeats to choose the correct block, or he will be terminated. Stan guesses again, this time correctly. "Thank you, stabilisation will occur in 12 minutes" states the voice. The hugging is cut short however, when Kai points out that it will take longer to get the stablisers on line than it will for the Sun to implode. He suggests they join him to watch the supernova, after all it is a once in a lifetime experience.

Giggerota lands on a stabiliser in time to see the Lexx taking off. "Nooooo!" she roars, realising that the brains have double crossed her. As she turns around again to jump in the moth, it takes off without her, giggling to itself. That will serve her right for eating bits of it.

Zev, Kai and Stan stand outside the door of the memory chambers, staring at the dying sun. The stabilisers are starting to come back on line, but it is too late. Zev walks over to Kai, and rests her head on his shoulder. He puts his arm around her and they stand in the glare of the sun. Zev takes pity on Stan, standing all alone, and reaches out her hand. He takes it, and all three of them watch and wait for their destruction.

In space, the Lexx is powering away from the planet when a beam of brilliant blue light catches him by the tail. "Why so you disobey Stanley Tweedle?" demand the brains. "I am being controlled by something far more powerful than me" replies Lexx, as he is dragged back towards the surface of the planet.

Kai lets go of Zev and steps forward. "Who are you?" he demands. "I am Brunnis Sun" booms a voice from the sky, "And I am the Blue Star" calls the previously unidentified star, which is moving in orbit around the sun. The planets know Kai's name as they have seen him in the previous cycles of time, as they will see him again in the next. They know about Zev, and they know Kai has to survive to fulfill the prophecy. Then they explain how today is not Kai's day to endure death, today is their day to Supernova.

In the distance, the Lexx touches down again, brought back by the beam of light from the Blue Star. Stan starts to run towards it, and Zev turns to follow. Beckoning to Kai, she realises that he is not moving. "I have only a small amount of artificial life left" he states. "The planet of my ancestors seems as good a place as any..." Zev looks shocked. "Goodbye, Zev" he says, looking straight into her eyes. Zev hesitates for a moment, then decides. "No! You were brought back for a reason" she tells him "Come with me..."

The moth lands on the bridge, and Stan comes face to face, or rather hand, with the manually-adorned stick that Giggerota left behind. "Get us out of here Lexx" he commands, as Zev and Kai alight from the moth after him. Lexx takes off and is clear of the planets surface seconds before the sun and star continue their dance, getting steadily closer to each other until they collide. Giggerota, left on the planet, gives a low wail, and then is stripped of her flesh as the sun and star explode in a flash of dazzling light.

"Thank you" whispers Kai, and turns to look at Zev

790 is fixing Stan's hand in a bath of something medicinal, reattaching the severed bones. This is fine until Stan takes his hand out of the bath and realises that 790 has reattached it back to front. He demands that 790 re-do the job.

In the cryochamber, Zev is putting Kai to bed. "We'll find a way to bring you alive" promises Zev. "And if not, the rest of my time will be spent with you" he says. "Kai..." she starts. "It is what I want" he interrupts, as she closes the lid over him.

And on the bridge, Stan commands the Lexx to start looking for a new home...

Episode two was certainly another one of my favourites...plenty of Kai in there for us girls, and unnecessary crotch shots of Eva for the boys. Nice to get a bit of background on the Brunnen-G as well...romantic poets in the Coleridge tradition by all accounts, with Kaboo flowers all round! Wellworth seeing if only for the fact that Tim Curry plays the Poet Man! A bit slower moving than Episode 1, but still a good all rounder.