LEXX

Kai rescues Stan and Xev from the base of Hogtown where they have finally emerged from the tunnels. Once everyone is safely aboard the balloon they start back up to the Lexx.

Back on the bridge Xev has a sudden change of character. OK, so in this series she doesn't seem as compassionate and warm as she did in series 2, but she'd never had a go at Stan and demanded a turn as Captain before. Well, until now. The argument is brought to an end when 790 butts in about how wonderful Kai is (we know, you don't have to tell us ;)) and Stan decides to pick on and easier target than Xev, winding up the semi-bot with Bunny references.

The 'conversation' changes to that of the current predicament. If the Lexx doesn't eat a large amount of organic matter real quick, then his orbit will decay even further and the whole shebang will come crashing down onto one of the planets in oh, about 191 hours.

Stan, disturbed by the news, feels the need to go to the toilet. Well I suppose being told that you have only 191 hours to live would have that effect on you. For some reason Kai decides to join him. I didn't ask why - I've learnt that sometimes on Lexx things just happen because the Beans want them to - and there does not necessarily have to be a pressing plot reason for these things! Anyway, as Stan sh...er sits, they discuss the situation. Stan thinks they should blow up both Fire and Water and let Lexx chow down on the chunks. There should be enough organic matter in there to keep him going for a while, and they could get out of here. Kai, man of honour and duty that he is, points out that there are people on the planets (not that he's ever objected before when Lexx has accidentally destroyed inhabited planets...) Stan angrily replies to the effect that the "people" on the planets aren't like any other "people" he's ever met. He's obviously down on Fire because of all the things that happened to him there, and thinks Water is "wierd". (And in my humble opinion he's right!) He then lets Kai in on another little secret of his that's also wierd...that he's actually begining to enjoy pooing on these toilets! (Remember that the toilets on the Lexx are armed with big licky tongues instead of toilet paper...) A little more information than we actually needed, but I think it was actually a thinly veiled feed so that Kai could utter perhaps the oddest line ever to have been spoken in Sci-Fi:

"I do not know. The dead do not poo"

Apparently satisfied with this information, Stan returns to the bridge to find Xev trying out the comand pedestal for size. She innocently moves away when she sees him and Stan takes up position, commanding Lexx to blow up Fire on his next approach. Xev comes over all concientious and points out that that would be wrong, and would also more than likely have serious repercussions for Water too. Stan doesn't seem to care - after all, he was talking about blowing up both planets a few minutes ago.

Xev gets bored and goes to look for Kai who's having a protoblood fix in the cryochamber. She hassles him to agree with her that it's unfair that Stan should have the key to the Lexx all the time and Kai (probably to shut her up) agrees. Then she starts bugging him for information about the Key and how it works. Strange - she's never asked before and they've been travelling together for what? At least a year..?

Anyway, Kai replies that within the memories from the last Divine Shadow he does have a little information about the Key. It is a living thing and is currently inside Stanley, and can be transferred from one person to another in certain circumstances. Like at the point of death...and other times...? (Unfortunately Kai doesn't seem to know all the circumstances; Thodin passed the key at will in I Worship His Shadow, but we won't go into that endearing plot defect just now, ok?)

Xev seems pleased with this information however, and presses Kai to explain about the "other times". Kai is all out of knowledge however, and they have to turn to the little demi-bot for further info due to his diagnostic capabilities. Xev tries to get 790 to help but he only has eyes for Kai, suggesting that Xev might like to put on weight and shave her head so that Kai won't be attracted to her any more. She promises to back off Kai if 790 helps, and the jealous bot begrudgingly agrees.

Stan, after his exhausting toiletry experience, has retired to bed, which is where Xev finds him and asks him outright for a turn as Captain. Stan (who was always taught to share his toys as a child) agrees as long as the transfer doesn't have to be fatal of course! 790 is working on it and they all meet up in the cryochamber to find out how it can be done.

Hooked up to some very wirey looking equipment, Stan can't resist taunting the robot head until he makes it cry (aaaah). The only way to get 790 to continue is, it insists, if Kai comforts it. Kai does so, having the good grace to look slightly embarrassed, dropping a peck on the top of 790's head. Sheeesh, talk about a high-maintenance relationship! (Did I already make the joke about Robo-sexuals?) One wonders exactly how Kai's mind works when immediately after this he tells the others that he remembers how an orgasm felt when he was alive, and that the feeling at the point of death is very similar, only far more intense. Xev tells 790 to find the erotic response area in Stan's brain and see if that's where the key is stored, but Stan has got bored with all this by now and decides to return to bed. (Maybe all this talk of erotic response made him realise there are better ways of wasting a few hours...by yourself...)

Xev wanders off leaving Kai and 790 to analyse the data from Stan's brain. Later Kai finds her on the bridge and she asks if they've found the key in the erotic response area of his brain. 790 thinks it is and has worked out a way that Xev can get it. (Obviously he's happy to do anything to get her away from Kai!) Kai explains that if Xev could bring Stan to a very heightened peak of sexual ecstacy (i.e. nearing-the-point-of-death-like sexual ecstasy), then the key may be spontaneously released. Xev seems pleased with this information and runs off to find Stan.

Funnily enough when Xev proposes her plan Stan agrees without hesitation. In fact he seems pleased to let her have a turn as Captain in return for the best shagging he's ever had with the woman he's been chasing for months. "And I just have to give you the key?" Stan confirms. "Oh no" replies Xev, and explains that it's not about the Key any more - she just wants Stanley's manly physique pressed up against hers. Yeah right. But Stan seems happy enough to go along with the charade, especially when Xev takes his hand and places it on her breasts! "I want my needs filled" she whispers, leaving Stan slightly stunned as she goes off "to prepare".

Kai catches up with her in her bedchamber. Suddenly Mr I'm-Dead-Don't-Try-And-Turn-Me-On-Missy grabs our heroine and plants a smackeroo the size of New Zealand on her pretty little mouth. And yes, I think there were tongues. "I've been thinking about you" Kai confesses, and Xev is fundamentally confused to her core. After all, it's not like she hasn't been waiting for this moment ever since she clapped eyes on the dead-one. They stare at each other intensly and then...(and this is the killer)...Xev goes off to get ready to pleasure Stan!! I don't know about you but this caused a whole bank of warning lights to start flashing in my brain! Someone is obviously not who they seem aboard the Lexx...No way on earth would our Kai suddenly develop an libido, and absolutely no way would Xev ever turn him down!! But who's the imposter? Is Kai once again Prince and Xev feels that, which is why she doesn't want him? Or is Xev the bad guy and Kai is testing her? Oooh! It's all got a bit tense!

Stan is fixed up to more sex aids than an Ann Summers (Victoria's Secret for Americans ;)) warehouse, and Xev has chosen something from their "silky and containing less than a foot of material" range. I'm not sure where Stan's outfit came from but think....underpants. There are wires attached to ever concievable (and I use that word literally) part of Stan's anatomy. Worse (or better, depending on your point of view) 790 has been engaged to help out with the experience!! He's going to electrically stimulate all those areas that other love slaves cannot reach. Xev gives Stan's groinal attachment a tweak, causing a couple of lights to flash and Stan to give a moan.

Xev dances for Stan, slowly stripping off her silky clothing, but just as Stan's really getting into the groove, as it were, Xev runs off! She is intercepted by Kai in the passageway who almost automatically grabs her boob! Xev's confusion is complete when Kai then starts admitting his love for her - "I want you" he claims. OK, this is getting very confusing indeed now. Xev, who you would have thought would be in a little melted pile on the floor by now, merely points out that she thought the dead didn't "want". Kai repeates that he wants her, and she dismisses his desire with an "I'll catch up with you later". She kisses his cheek and gets back to her Stan-fun. Kai lets her go.

Stan should be a happy man considering the amount of groinal wiggling that goes on as Xev performs the ultimate in sexual ecstasy for Stan. The details are mercifully not shown but Stan's smile gives it away and eventually he releases the key to Xev. But he's a greedy bugger is that Stan and he insists that Xev finish what she started (I thought after the first orgasm you were fairly finished for a while anyway, but maybe Stan is more studly than I imagined). Xev goes to work...

Later on the bridge Xev is playing with her new toy (no, not Stan, the Key). Her first decision as Captain is to tell the Lexx not to blow up Fire after all. Stan is not pleased. Although he has just had his brains shagged out by this beautiful woman, he doesn't like his authority being overridden and insists on having the Key back. Xev promises that he shall indeed have the key but only when she's finished with it. And she hasn't finished just yet.

Stan sulks off to the cryochamber because Xev won't share, and is followed by Kai and 790. Kai, in his new "libido-man" role, wants to hear all the juicy details of what Xev did for Stan. One has to ask is this Lexx or Dawson's Creek?

Stan decides enough is enough and goes back to the bridge to ask Xev for the key back again. Unfortunately she points out that it can only be released at the point of sexual ecstacy and seems to take pleasure in mentioning that she didn't get there last time with Stan, so why should be be able to do it to her this time? Stan sulks, so Xev agrees to bring herself to the edge of ecstasy so the key can be released. How nasty is that? "Don't worry, I'll do it myself"! Hmmmm, I think Xev's cluster lizard side is getting the better of her.

But Stan can't have the key until Xev's finished playing with it. And so she does. She orders Lexx to blow up Water. Oh dear.

Unpeturbed by this, Xev takes Stan off to, I dont know, watch or something, as she enjoys herself enough to give him back the key, but on the way Kai pops up and completely snogs her brains out! "Hey, she's with me!" complains Stan, but to no avail. Xev gets her breath back and explains that she's about to return the key to Stan, but Kai merely points out that she has experience the correct level of ecstasy on many previous occasions. Xev admits that she has indeed "been there" and "done that".

"Then I will bring you there again" smooches Kai, as he shoots her dead!

Stan is in shock at what he's just seen as Kai commands him to hold up his hand.

"You've killed Xev!" Stanley exclaims as he receives the key from the dying Xev.

But then Xev's body dissolves away into thin air.

Kai merely tells Stan to stop the Lexx blowing up Water, which he does, and then explains that Xev wasn't Xev, she was Prince! I think to be honest anyone with half a brain had already worked this one out, but obviously Stan has less than half a brain as he has the decency to look both shocked and stunned. Or maybe there's another reason he's shocked:

"So does that mean I had the ultimate in sexual satisfaction with a man or a woman?" Stan stutters.

"I think you are best placed to ask that question yourself Stan." replies Kai.

Stan convinces himself that he had such a good time it must have been a woman, and they head off to rescue Xev, who must have been left behind on Fire.