LEXX

The Lexx trio are winging their way from ZigZig Island when Stanley notices a large island below. Kai states it is called Newfoundland. Stanley excitedly recalls that President Priest declared him to be the King of the place and pulls the written charter out of his pocket. Kai reads: " From the office of the President of the United States" pause " nmmmm.. aummmnnnn... erhhhhhnnnnnnmmmm. Signed President Reginald J. Priest." That's good enough for Stanley, so he decides that they'll take a detour from their intended trip to Transylvania, and drags Xev and Kai down to visit his 'subjects'.

On the ground, they scramble down a hillside covered with snow. Stanley wonders where all the year round gardens are. The background music is a lilting Celtic tune as they walk along the road, under surveillance all the while from a parka-bundled ATF guy in a van. Xev is freezing, and steals a bathrobe off a clothesline.

Stanley's first 'subject' approaches, and he graciously greets her, inquiring where the King's palace would be. She gives him a wallop with her handbag and spits venomously, "There's no stone left for you to crawl under, Brud!" Stanley looks after her, shocked and protesting this irreverent treatment of a monarch, when two more 'subjects', a pair of rough-and-ready men pass by, and spit on him!!

Hmmm... things are not what they've been advertised in StanleyLand!

At the White House, Bunny (hey, Bunny's back) is crawling all over the Prez. She seems quite taken with him. Prince interrupts and points out that though the Prez would probably like to be tickled all day by Bunny, there are important things to do, such as making sure that Stanley doesn't take the Lexx away before Prince has finished ruining the planet. He makes sure Priest understands that if Prince ends up being unhappy, he'll make sure Priest is equally unhappy! Even sweet-but-dumb Bunny can't fail to pick up this not-so-veiled threat.

Prince, unabashed by Bunny's admonition about treating the president in such a fashion, sits on a couch playing with Bunny's hot-pink purse, and explains that being a rotten, slimy, controlling git is simply in his nature. "I am to dominate, in every way." Priest has not forgotten his previous lesson, and sad sycophantic whore-shipper that he is, slobbers over his master's hand.

Prince's plan is to send Bunny to Newfoundland to persuade Stanley to remain at Earth. Bunny would very much like to have a last little "super special snuggle" with the Prez, but Prince is in a hurry, and he makes her leave right away on Chopper One.

Back in Newfoundland, we enter a tavern and pub, called the Priest Hole. We see STANLEY!, or somebody who looks just like him at any rate, playing a small electric piano and (I wont' call it singing actually), but he's vocalizing a repetitively unimaginative ditty about Happy Hour set to the tune of Greensleeves.

A local guy comes into the bar, and stands staring daggers at 'Stanley', who opens his mouth and out issues a clearly Newfie accent. The guy, obviously in an angry mood, addresses the piano man as 'Brud Parsnip'.

Brud is clearly in trouble with this guy, and his friend who next arrives. Seems ole Brud has been pulling some sex and money shenanigans with the guy's sister. Brud makes a run for it. In the pub's kitchen, the two guys (whose Newfie accents are so pronounced, that the writers apparently thought American and Brit watchers might need English subtitles!) realize they've lost Brud and rush out.

Brud's head sticks up from a huge vat of fish batter. He sneaks out of the kitchen and tries to make a break out the front door, when he sees a trio of women, who are obviously after him as well, and not in a good way! He hides in the bar's dishwasher, which the bartender proceeds to turn on!

Stan, Xev and Kai are walking down the street. When Xev complains she's cold, Stanley drags her into the Priest Hole to get warmed up. We see a guy in a Roman clerical collar, snoring and snoozing.. must be the Priest of the Hole here. (actor Frank Kelly in fact, star in the comedy, 'Father Ted'.)

Stanley starts into his spiel again about being King and grandly announces that today is "King Stanley Day". The bartender replies "How's she gettin' on Brud?" The dishwasher cycle finishes and the door opens. The real Brud, clean as a whistle now, overhears Stanley talking to Xev, trying to figure out why everybody is calling him brud. Brud is amazed to see his mirror image, erm, in the mirror.

While the trio are haggling over things, Bunny walks up and greets them all, by name! She seems very unsure when Xev questions her, if she is the same Bunny who they met before, the one who died. Kai points out that she is either the same Bunny, reborn, or else she's an archetype. Bunny says she just knows their names (probably Prince told her who they all were), and says she wants them to stay on this planet. She can't answer when Kai asks why she wants that (incomplete briefing by Prince I expect, or else Bunny was not intelligent enough to understand everything he told her). Bunny asks to speak to Stanley alone. He sounds pretty uninterested in hanging around Earth much longer, so Bunny brings out the backup plan. She asks Stanley to meet her in her hotel room later, so she can 'give him a going away present'. She gives him the room number. Brud, of course, hears this.

Meanwhile, Xev is enjoying listening to the spoons being played by some guy at the bar. Brud, having heard what he thinks is enough information, sneaks off to the phone, and disguising his voice, calls one of his 'creditors' (people that want to mash his face in), and tells them they'll find 'Brud Parsnip' at a certain time in a certain room in the tavern, knowing that they'll find look-a-like Stanley there in his place. What a git!

In the meantime Bunny is on the telephone also, tearfully asking Prince and the Prez what to do next. Prince, (playing with his tie which in all defiance of gravity, is standing up at an amazing angle), backed up by a reluctant Prez, instructs Bunny to seduce Stanley to convince him to stay. At the end of the conversation, Prince's tie flops over. (Clear foreshadowing that the plan will be a flop.)

Back at the bar, Xev is getting tanked, and lets out a Lizard scream to voice her approval of the local firewater. Kai makes the acquaintance of the priest, Father Pickle. Father Pickle invites Kai to have a go on the 'ivories'.

Kai, never having seen a piano before, guesses it to be a musical instrument, at which the priest says "Ahhhrgh, there's no fooling you my boy." Kai laconically replies, "The dead are easily fooled." (and he hasn't even had any booze to drink either)

In the funniest line of the show, Father Pickle introduces Kai to the people in the bar saying, "He's from a dead universe.. must be the mainland hunhh?" Kai performs his version of scales. (plug your ears for this) Then, having figured out the whole musical scale, he begins to pick out the melody for the Brunnen-G war chant.

We cut to Bunny opening the door to Brud Parsnip. She thinks he's Stanley of course, but although Bunny is a bit slow in the upper story, she does notice that he seems different. Brud spins her some BS about he really has to leave and too bad, and so forth. Poor dumb Bunny spills the beans (although it's doubtful Brud really believes her explanation about promising her husband, the President of the US, to do everything to get Stanley to stay). Brud, practiced SlimyGit that he is, asks Bunny to 'cradle his rock' (haven't heard this euphemism before), and proceeds to unzip!

Back in the bar, Kai is performing variations on a theme, and getting rather carried away for a dead guy. The people in this bar are obviously way bored, but they actually applaud. Father Pickle thinks he's made a good start and that Kai just needs to loosen up a bit. He offers him a shot of whiskey, which Kai declines since he's got no liver. The Father is more than up to the task of handling the booze however, despite most of his own liver being pickled. (I should point out that Kai has no lungs either, so probably didn't smoke all those ciggies. Those are probably Michael McManus's butts.)

Back in the hotel room, Brud, having had his rock (does he only have one? maybe one of the people he's screwed over in the past nipped off the other one at some point?) off, or cradled or whatever, gets up and then callously leaves Bunny despite having promised to remain.

"You are a bad, bad man!!" cries Bunny, and to prove the point Brud removes the money from her purse while she's crying in the bathroom, and goes off on his merry way.

In the pub, Xev continues to guzzle booze. Some band members decide to join in and have a jam session with the Kaister. Stanley anxiously watches the clock, and finally decides to go to Bunny's room for his rendezvous. The priest tries to dissuade him. He goes on lasciviously about the sins of the flesh and "romping naked on a bed with a beautiful, lithe, lissome, firm..etc etc". (In vino veritas I guess and I think we get the picture of where his mind is at).

When Bunny opens the door, Stanley gets a slap in the face and a "Bad man! Bad man!" She tearfully departs. Having been tipped off, four meatheads accost Stan at the door. Sick of being called Brud, Stanley tells them his real name and insists he's their new King.

Without mentioning Queen Elizabeth, one of them punches him in the head, knocking him out cold.

Brud comes back to the bar, and sidles up to Xev, who thinks he's Stanley despite his different clothes and hat. He persuades Xev that he needs to talk to her in privacy and suggests they go to the Moth. Xev , drunk as a skunk, is a bit puzzled by 'Stan's' behavior, but she's in an amenable frame of mind so she humours him. Brud grabs the electric keyboard and away they go. All the while Kai and the band give the Celtic rendering of Yo-A-Oh, with a somewhat catchier rhythm than one usually hears, though still in a minor key.

In the Moth, Brud now persuades Xev that they need to go back to the Lexx, because what he has to tell her is so important. He says what he has to say is so difficult and personal. (What a load of hooey!) She agrees and then sits back. Brud is non-plussed for a second, realizing he has no idea at all how to fly the Moth. He pretends he's overcome by emotion and asks Xev to drive. Which she does!! Drunkenly!! Brud cowers beside her, frantically pointing out obstacles.

Meanwhile, the real Stanley H. Tweedle is bound in a chair, surrounded by a gang of irate people whom Brud Parsnip has ripped off. They believe he's Brud, just lying again (which Brud is obviously a master at). The plan is that all these people who've been screwed over by Brud, are going to take it out of Stanley's hide! Stanley protests that they have the wrong man. But the beating commences. Poor Stan!!

Back on the Lexx, Xev is still sucking back whiskey straight from the bottle. She's feeling all pally and kind and invites 'Stan' to sit and talk to her about what is bothering him. He continues with his unctuous SlimyGit poser routine. Claims he feels despondent, because he has such deep feelings, and can't express himself sufficiently and if he only had somebody to listen and understand him (and overlook all his slimy lying, cheating deficiencies no doubt - I think I'm gonna puke!). He pulls the keyboard out and says he's written a song just for her, and then trots out the old Greensleeves melody again while singing a tuneless repetition of Xev's name and Happy Hour. Xev nearly chokes laughing!

Meanwhile the music theme is continued below as Kai has the Priest's Hole hopping (Celtically speaking that is).

Father Pickle chats with Kai after the set. He doesn't recognize the language and Kai explains to him that it is the lost language handed down by his ancestors, as a chant sung while going into battle expecting to die. The priest asks what happened to Kai's people when they went into battle singing it.
Kai: "They died".
D'uhhh. (Kai has that look on his face.. 'Oh the living are too stupid to live really!)

On the Lexx, Xev has finally clued that something isn't kosher and demands 'Stan' come out with what's up.
Brud (resorting to the SlimyGit PuppyDog Maneuver): "I need a hug."

In the Priest Hole cellar, Stanley is getting his clock cleaned. (this was SO unfair!)

On the Lexx 'BrudStanley' is getting on to business now. At least he varies the word order a bit, and asks Xev to 'rock his cradle'. He attempts to get physical with Xev, who has no trouble handling him since she's half lizard.

Brud totters at the edge of the bridge.. and the murderously mad 790 sees his chance and crashes into Brud, knocking him into the abyss!

Xev, still pretty drunk, thinks Stanley has been killed (she seems to have forgotten for the moment that no key means no Stanley). She very nearly tosses 790 after Brud, but ends by just throwing him down on the deck ... HARD!

In the bar, Kai now enquires the whereabouts of Stanley. The bartender pipes up that 'Brud' is getting the crap beaten out of him downstairs. Just as Brud's next creditor prepares to mash Stanley's face in with a ballpeen hammer, Kai arrives to rescue him. Xev has also returned in the Moth, and is very glad to see the real Stanley.

Back in Washington, Bunny is in the Oval Office sitting on the Prez's lap and she tearfully relates to her lovey-dovey Reggie, how awful 'Stanley' was. The Prez, experiencing manly outrage at his little Bunny's degradation, pulls out the old hotline football and nukes Newfoundland!!

This display of power is obviously an aphrodisiac to Bunny, who wants to cradle ole Reggie's rock. Unfortunately for the frustrated Reggie, Prince arrives to take the Prez off to the Antarctic summit.

The Lexx trio are leaving in a Moth while Newfoundland goes bye-bye.

Xev can't get over how much Brud Parsnip looked like Stanley, while Stan points out that he was nothing like the real thing, 'a totally different person' (you can sure hear a bit of Brian's own Newfie accent right here - that was cool! And I must say here, kudos to Brian Downey! What an excellent dual performance. You really did believe Brud was a totally other person than our Captain Stan!).

Kai remarks that "on each planet there seem to be a limited number of models of humans, you happened to find yours on this planet Stanley." (Although, why Kai would assume that Brud was the Archetype, and Stanley the copy, I don't know. Couldn't it be the other way around? Or do all the Archetypes reside in the DarkZone? And as to that, perhaps Brud is actually the archetype of Kai, since they both have the same tendency to be really, really repetitive in their singing!)

And with that, they press onward to Transylvania.