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Prince's reappearance is a bit of a shock to our heroes especially when he denies that it is his men who have stolen Kai. Stan and Xev are reluctant to believe him and Prince is unsurprised given his track record. He even agrees that he is untrustworthy! The dysfunctional Kai meanwhile has been "salvaged" from the desert sand at the foot of the tower and roughly dumped in a gondola by some Firey equivalent of the Wombles*. (I mean in a "making good use of the things that we find" way, not in that they were wearing tartan shawls and deerstalker hats). The age old method of fixing mechanical devices (i.e. giving them a good whack, or in this case, throwing them off a tower) has not been successful for poor old Kai and he is stuck in the basket, mostly harmless. The nice Wombles make small talk, you know the kind of thing; talking about the weather (hot), politics (scary) and pain thresholds, of which Kai has none. As you would when someone says they feel no pain, the Wombles are curious to put his claim to the test. They really really twist his ankle, and his arm, and Kai of course remains impassive. This being the worst thing they can think of to do to him, they shrug and ask who dumped him off the tower in the first place. Kai replies that it was his "friends". Prince, watching the drama unfold from the top of the tower, explains to Xev and Stan that they are taking Kai to Hog Town so that his "claim" can be processed. He reassures the worried pair that Hog Town is not a particularly dangerous place...but then he adds that the "process" is... So insistent is Xev that they go and rescue their out-of-warranty assassin, that Prince offers to help get them to Hog Town. He explains that there is a secret way that means you won't get fried to a crisp on the burning sand. Of course his help comes with a price - that in return they will blow up Water with the Lexx. Stan points out that Prince has already admitted his lack of trustworthyness, but Prince, slightly miffed, replies that he always keeps his deals. The deal is no good to Stan and Xev though as they will not help Prince destroy a planet because they're too nice. Prince accepts their refusal with a minimum amount of fuss and leaves, but as he disappears Xev realises that he will probably go and find Kai himself and try and get the ex-assassin to help him instead. She is sure that Prince knows a way to Hog Town, so they decide to follow him. Kai has meanwhile arrived in Hog Town and has been taken to a dark "Adjudication Room" where he has been strapped into a chair. With a spotlight on the chair he faces a panel of 5 or so "Adjudicators" who each have one or two red spots on their heads and shuffle paper as is their lives depended on it. Kai does not look impressed. The head adjudicator (we presume), Mr One-Spot, starts the hearing. "It is our responsibility to attempt to record for posterity the many instances of extreme human pain and degradation that are performed daily on this planet called fire." Oh good! Civil Servants with a fetish for pain! Just what we need... Kai obviously agrees with my sentiment here as he is not pleased with being detained and breaks Mr One-Spot's monologue by singing the Brunnen-G anthem. Almost unfazed, Mr One-Spot continues: "We ourselves do not participate in such practices, but we believe that the recordation of such incidents will, in time, open a door to a progressive and orderly future to relieve such suffering. Do you understand?" Kai looks angry(er) and answers, "No." Mr One-Spot doesn't expect Kai to understand, so he says, but he does want Kai to answer a few questions so that they can understand better the physiognomy of human evil. Nice. He then explains to Kai that people are all treated equally (but no doubt some are more equal than others...) Patiently answering their questions only because he can't escape, the Civil Servants learn that Kai is not from Fire and that he is dead. These bits of news both seem to shock the panel and they whisper and shuffle nervously. Kai (assuming he will be punished anyway) then demands that they skip to the end and he be punished. The panel however will not punish him yet because he hasn't been properly processed and punishment is reserved for the final adjudication. The punishment here could very well be something like "death by repeated filling in of tax returns..." Back in K-Town, Xev and Stan have secretly followed the fast moving Prince down to the bottom of the tower (all 39,000 steps of it). Prince is now out of sight and Xev has to decide which way to go. The way they choose is a long, long, long tunnel. The tunnels seem to go under the desert between the towns so that travel between the towns can be done without flash frying on the surface. Stan soon tires and Xev ends up going ahead without him as he slows to catch his breath. Alone now, Xev suddenly finds herself in a sticky, or rather netty, situation as she is suddenly caught in a trap. Stan, still tootling along far behind her, is distracted by a mad bloke. A grubby, trampish looking chap is crouching on the floor of the tunnel repeating a litany of "I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't!" (As the mad bloke is played by Lex Gigeroff, perhaps he means "I know I shouldn't...have made Kai keep his clothes on in the shower scene!") Anyway, noticing Stan he suddenly jumps up and grabs him, telling him not to continue down the tunnel as "they will hurt you, they always do!" Stan looks worried. With the tantalising snippets of information Kai has revealed to the Civil Servants, they are understandably curious about his past. No doubt they can see weeks of form filling just from this case alone and the thought clearly turns them on... Finding out that he used to be an assassin almost causes them to have a party, but then one of the panel then asks him if he has suffered any torture, degradation or any other evil on Fire. Kai replies "Yes, from this commission!" "Accusations against the commission are not recordable!" screams Mr One-Spot, whilst the female commissioner gets shirty with Kai, demanding "Claimant, have you in fact, at any time assassinated anybody." Kai has been waiting for this moment as he hasn't been allowed to say it yet all series. With relish, he launches into his speech: "I have killed mothers and their babies, I have killed great philosophers and proud young warriors." The panel are overjoyed at this confession, no doubt gleefully looking forward to the piles of paperwork this will produce. Kai continues "I have killed the evil and the good, the intelligent, the weak and the beautiful", and then after a pause adds, "but it’s been a while since I have killed a room full of petty bureaucrats." Save this line for the next time you have to deal with the DVLA/Passport Office/DSS/Customs, or even the Post Office.  Oh yes... Kai then, in his best "we shall not be moved" mode, sings again the Brunnen G Battle Chant. His keeper chastises him, telling him he must answer the questions properly or suffer Standard Punishment Number One, which is being thrown off the tower. (I'd hate to see what Punishments 2 and 3 are...). Kai of course demands to be thrown off the tower immediately. Unfortunately they just can't bring themselves to lose such a mine of paperwork so again the commission refuse. Kai however is not to be trifled with and he manages to persuade his keeper to come over and examine his wrist brace. As the keeper tests the gadget, Kai carefully aims it at Mr One Spot and catches him gracefully around the neck when the keeper accidentally sets the brace off with his tinkering. Kai then gently repeats his request to be thrown off the tower, and funnily enough the commission can do nothing but agree. Deep under the desert, Stan is trying unsuccessfully to get rid of the mad bloke, finally persuading him that everything will be OK if he can just find Xev. Mad Bloke seems to give up and outstretches his hand to give Stan a friendly handshake. Or rather, as Stan gives in and takes the bloke's hand, grabbing him and jumping on top of our poor Captain whilst pinning him on the floor. Then, as if to set Stan's mind at rest, he reassures him with "Trust me, I'm a Doctor"! In what speciality, we wonder...? Xev is having enough trouble of her own. Further down the corridor the net she has been caught in reveals itself to be a trap set by some rejects (and I mean rejects) from the Royal Ballet School. The three ballerinas, dressed in tattered grubby grey tutu's, whirl elegantly about Xev as they try to lower her over a large, steel man-trap. (As you do). Finally they get Xev's head between the jaws, so Stan will obviously have to look after himself. Which unfortunately he is completely unable to do, being vertically strapped to the good Doctor's operating "pole" in the middle of a room filled with nasty looking surgical and not-so-surgical equipment. The Doctor introduces himself to Stan, whilst fiddling with his equipment (medical equipment, not the other kind ;p), as Doctor Rainbow. Not to be confused with Rainbow Bright, oh no indeed. Then he has much joy in telling Stan that in the Tunnels, no-one can hear you scream and not to worry because he's only going to remove the parts that Stan doesn't need. So that's OK then. Dr Rainbow will make him better, you see? Soon to become a corpse de ballet (geddit?) Xev is being tapped on the head with a big pole whilst being suspended above the sharp and nasty looking man-trap. But ballerinas, like fate, are fickle and she suddenly decides that it would be more fun to suspend Xev over a whole pit of man-traps! Xev is taken to a pit full of them and dangled in through the doorway. Stan is not a happy bunny, especially when Dr Rainbow tells him that although his patients scream at first, they soon stop (from the way he tells it however, I doubt it's through the careful administration of anaesthetic). Stan screams for Xev... ...who is still dancing (geddit again?) with death above the man-trap pit. Stan screams again as the self-proclaimed medic takes a nice sharp knife and heads towards Stan's soft bits. The Dr however is lost in his own little world, repeating "they scream when I cut them, they scream when I cut them". But before Stan finally gets the organ donation he's been avoiding for so long, rescue comes in an unusual form. Prince appears and grabs the Doctor, but makes sure Stan knows that he's doing this basically to get Stan to blow up Water. Rubbing his previously bound wrists, Stan declines the deal again, asking instead where Xev is. Prince hints that Xev too could be in need of help. Luckily Prince doesn't hold Xev to ransom and instead rescues her too by chucking the prima's into their own pit. Arabesque out of that one, girls! As they head to Hog Town together, Prince explains that the tunnels are reserved for the truly evil inhabitants of Fire (so the others are all OK then??). They are not allowed a city of their own, probably because they'd only break it anyway. After an interminable walk, there appears a hole in the roof which Stan is not keen on going through. He still doesn't trust Prince and knowing his luck he'll have a hook stuck in his head when he gets up there...providing he still has a head of course. Xev, reckoning she can look after herself, goes with Prince up through the hole, leaving Stan alone. Kai, meanwhile, is busy receiving Standard Punishment Number One, and lands in a crumpled heap at the foot of the tower. Luckily for him, this finally realigns his thingies and he is now fully functional. He sets about climbing up the tower and takes the balloon he came in on. No-one stands in his way. Stan is worried about being left down the hole, even though he doesn't really want to go up the hole either, but his mind is really made up about the unpleasantness of being alone down here when who should pop up but his old friend the Doctor! Stan runs, but accidentally ends up running back into the Doc's "clinic". The happy chasing Dr Rainbow is overjoyed that he has his subject back and sets about immediately preparing to once again remove Stan's soft bits. Until someone stabs him, that is. A tall man behind the Doc has handily removed him from the equation, but just as Stan is about to fall to his knees with gratitude, the tall man reassures him. "It wouldn't have hurt that much - he doesn't know where the nerves are...but I do!" Stan tries to pass out with terror but is rudely interrupted by Prince fighting the tall man to the death. Well, the man's death anyway. Unfortunately Dr Rainbow is not quite dead and manages to stab Prince too. So Stan, stuck in a room of three dying psycopaths, chooses the least (he thinks) dangerous of the three and goes over to comfort Prince as he pegs it. "I wanted you to love me Stanley". Stan looks unimpressed and asks "Are you dying?" "Yes", replies Prince, "But I'm used to it". And with that he disappears. Stan's rescue comes yet again, this time in the form of Xev. Relieved, he babbles that Prince rescued him but he died and then he disappeared, etc. etc. Xev just smiles and says "Yes, he does that sometimes". Seemingly satisfied with this answer, they go off to find the Kai-ster. Xev is convinced she knows the way and waves aside Stan's worries. Indeed they soon find the bottom of Hog Town and are out in the desert when they see Kai descending in his stolen balloon. "We're saved!" yells Stan, waving and calling to attract Kai's attention. Xev just smiles... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Note to Americans and other Aliens - The Wombles were a childrens' stop-motion animation from the 1970's involving small furry creatures who picked up rubbish from London's Wimbledon Common and took it home to make things out of. Since the government revoked University Grants, we now call these people "students"