LEXX

This is a tremendous episode! The writing, acting and direction were tight as a Moth's bottom. The accompanying musical score was wonderful - spooky, shivery, campy and romantic, all in one! The visuals were richly sensuous. The story does much to practically advance the season arc, without sacrificing the satirical, fun-poking bits we've come to know and love as classic Lexx. Our Lexx trio is finally enroute to Transylvania (to Stanley's disgust. His nose is still out of joint over the rather disappointing trip to Newfoundland, although all his facial injuries seem to have been miraculously healed!). Stanley demands impatiently why Kai is so "motivated" to go to this place anyways. (I wonder if Stanley has forebodings about the last time Kai was 'motivated', to go to find more protoblood, and the fateful meeting they ended up having with that megalomaniac nutcase biovizier, Mantrid!)Kai replies: "Dark knowledge from one of those memories, leads me here" (in reference to the thousands of individual memories he possesses from the Divine Shadow.) Stanley finds this FAR from reassuring, and wants Xev to turn the damn Moth around. Xev however, being such a democratic woman, wants Kai to "have his fun", which Stanley points out, the dead do not have! But, Xev is driving, so they continue on to the Carpathians.

They land their Moth in a darkened, mist-shrouded forest. All around is the wind, on which the howls of not-so-distant wolves can be heard. Kai, carrying a suitably Moth-bally looking portable torch, and Xev go exploring, while Stanley thinks he'll just stay put. The wolf howls change his mind however, and he runs to catch up with his comrades. Xev remarks that Stan has entered "stage two", and outlines the "Three Stages of Stanley H. Tweedle", counting them off on her fingers...
1) "When you're not scared, you're hungry."
2) "When you're not hungry, you can only think about sex." (and she flips him a bird!)
3) "When you're not thinking about sex, you're scared."

Stanley, is not amused!

As they make their way forward through the forest, a flock of bats strafes them. Up ahead, a huge silvery moon gleams and we see the eerie outline of castle battlements. Kai, checks the picture he's holding (one that he got from the film Tina supplied). This is the place he's looking for! (this forest scene was totally gorgeous, all misty and shivery with the hint of underlying threat!)

Pursued by the bats, they hurry their way to a village, and into a dark, smoky inn.

At their entrance, all conversation stops.. and everyone stares at them.

An old priest rises, and approaches, holding up his crucifix before him, saying, "Those of the Devil, leave here, this is still a place of God, this is still a place of light." He holds the crucifix out against them. Unfortunately, the priest has his wires totally crossed, and Kai accepts it with thanks! He hands it to Stanley, and wasting no more time, approaches the barkeeper and shows him his photograph, telling him he is looking for the person who lives in the castle.

The barkeep (played by Peter Guiness) is downright inhospitable and reaffirms Father Borscht's command for them to leave the place. Xev steps in at this point asking seductively if she can have a bath first - you can just about see the steam escaping from the barkeep's collar, and he changes his mind about throwing them out!

He leads Xev away, and is followed by three tarty looking Goth chicks who look like they could use baths as well, or a good facescrub at the very least.

Stanley is hungry (back to Stage 1) and tries to order a steak from the barkeep. The inn doesn't bother with trifles like food though, and the bartender pours him a shot glass of clear liquid instead. Stanley isn't interested in water, but drinks it. Arghhooohhhawwwww! Zowie! That's some water! Now we see steam coming from Stanley's ears! The barman takes this opportunity to comment to Stanley that 'his friend' lacks color. Stanley rather matter-of-factly replies that that is because his friend is ....well, dead!

Kai is sitting at one of the tavern tables. He appears to be whittling something using his brace. The old priest, Father Borscht (played by none other than the famous Lionel Jeffries) approaches and engages him in conversation. Kai corrects some mistaken ideas the priest has about what sort of being Kai is, but also learns that the priest knows of a being like Kai which has been around quite some time. The priest refers to the creature as 'The Master'.

Upstairs, Xev is enjoying a wonderful soak in one of those great old-fashioned claw footed baths that you can sink down into till you're covered in lovely hot water up to your neck... erm... only she's not quite covered, not all of her at any rate.

Suddenly, the three Goth tarts walk into her bathroom. And, they dangle a rat in front of her face (presumably to terrify her and cow her to their will - silly twats!). Of all the bloody nerve!.

Well, Xev acts purely on instinct - she gobbles their wretched rat. Hahahahahahaha! Only Xev just thought they were being friendly and bringing her a snack in the bath! She doesn't realize they were trying to intimidate her at all, and she apologizes to the short-haired blonde twat for eating her pet, then introduces herself.

The Goths introduce themselves as: Davinia Silver, Mandragora Morgana (yah she'd make me yawn alright!), and ...wait for it.... Muffy!
(excuse me while I laugh my arse off here!! Hahahahahahahaha! Muffy. Can we say... WANNABE??! The only thing Muffy has going over the other two, is that her accent isn't Cockney dead-common.) Well, the girls have the dead fetish alright and they try to pump Xev for information about Kai.

Downstairs, Father Borscht is still confusedly communicating with Kai, trying to reconcile the myths, legends and weird happenings that he's known all his life, with the reality of the Kai before him.

From his somewhat allegorical ramblings, a few things are clear: there is some sort of creature round about the place that he likens to a big, fat spider, living off those around it, consuming them, drawing the unwary to it, or even going out and trolling for new slaves (sounds like a Carpathian SlimyGit to me). The priest passes Kai a folded clipping, which reveals a depiction of a figure in a coffin-like object, or possibly a cryopod, with three female worshippers before it.

Kai affirms, that his intention will be to kill the 'spider', if he can. ( I should just add, Lionel Jeffries was wonderful in this neat little role!)

Stanley, has been enjoying the local mountain 'water' at the bar. He's loosening up quite a bit and shows considerable appreciation for the scenic beauty of Xev's new outfit (an adorable dirndl and peasant blouse) when she arrives back in the tavern's public room. Kai, having what information he can get, leaves the tavern. Xev runs after him, while Stanley stays behind to have one or two for the road.

Kai tells Xev that he has to do something at the castle, and that she cannot help him and should remain behind. He says that while he himself has been "a great darkness" he is aware that there are or were, things even darker and more deadly than himself.

Meanwhile Stanley is again complaining to the barkeep about how hungry he is. The bartender tells him that every Walpurgis Night, a great feast is prepared up at the castle of Lord Dracul, the Count of Volga . He then launches into a weird conversation about the myth of the vampire, and what a lot of hooey it is, all the while providing Stan with a ring of garlics, holy water, crucifix and holy relics. (Sounds like a case of 'the gentleman doth protest too much', I think)

Stanley only half listens to all this, while determining that if there's food to be had at the castle, then that's where he'll be heading. The barkeep ends by telling Stanley his name... Josef van Helsing. (yup, THOSE van Helsings).

A cry is heard.. and they find a crucifix laying in a pool of red stuff. I think it was blood, but I suppose it could have been beet soup .. poor Father Borscht. (he's been taken off without so much as a ChittyChittyBangBang) This seems to make the Goth girls happy (as happy as mopeys can be happy I guess), and they seem to take this as a sign that there'll be some action to be had.

The group outside the tavern is illuminated in headlamps and out of the hearse-like Chevrolet gets a frog-like guy, with glasses and hair that looks like he plugged his thumb into a light socket, and wearing what looks like a nightshirt that hasn't been laundered in about fifty years. He enquires with an oily grace who all is coming to dine at the castle. He is one Renfield, and he's come to fetch them to the castle as supper is on the table.

This is apparently what the Goth chicks are there for. Kai decides he wants to attend, and Xev and Stanley naturally stick with Kai. Renfield looks delighted, and after ushering the guests into his vehicle, adjusts his wedgie and commences to chauffeur them to Lord Dracul.

While Renfield tries to impress Xev with his fly-eating in the front seat (haha! He's so pathetic! Too bad Xev doesn't have a bat at hand here, she could show him what disgusting is all about), the Goth tarts are trying to make points with Kai in the back, gushing on vapidly about how he reeks of death, and would he kill them (oh I do sooooo hope they get to meet 790..mwuhhaaahhhaaaaaaa!) and how they bet he likes to kill up close and personal. They aren't much interested in Stanley, even though he brags that he's lost count of how many people he's killed after blowing up his first planet. Kai bears this all patiently and he politely answers questions (kill them Kai! kill them now! use your brace!)

As they arrive at the castle, Kai hands Stanley the thing he was carving in the tavern. It's a small whistle, called an ocharina. It can be used to summon a Moth. It's shaped like a ... erm...a ... well, suffice to say, this is something Stanley will NEVER put in his mouth unless he's in dire extremity! Kai seems very serious about the situation though. He instructs Stanley with no uncertainty to return with Xev in the Moth if Kai encounters any difficulty, and destroy the Earth! Hmmm.. what on earth is Kai expecting to find at this place anyways? Sounds like this spider he's looking for must be one dangerously nasty arachnid.

Upon opening the car door, Kai immediately fires his brace, and hoists himself away and up to the top of the battlements. With Kai gone, the Goths are much more interested in fondling each other, than entertaining any idea of cuddling with Stanley. When he protests that he'll be dead some day too, the little Cockney twat Davinia is rude enough to reply, "Soon, hopefully." She deserves a good smack for that.

Renfield ushers them in through the front door.. wow, great looking place. Above them, on the central staircase, a tall, greying man (with rather pouchy cheeks) wearing a red satin-lined cloak, welcomes them in a dramatic fashion. He looks like a stage actor. Stanley's misgivings are overcome in an instant when he sees the dining room table laden with luscious goodies.

The Count sharpens his carving knife and chats with his guests. Stanley is stuffing himself with some dish which he finds utterly delicious. He compliments the Count and asks what's in it.
Count: "Dead things."
Xev, with considerable interest: "What dead things?"
Count with a little smile and continuing on with his carving: "Just dead things".
Xev does find another dish that takes her fancy though too.

Stanley deposits his mouthful of dead-thing pie into his napkin! As the conversation becomes more and more innuendo, and the Count gets too close to Xev's neck, while trying to find out where Kai has got to, Stanley's imagination goes into overdrive. Becoming convinced that the Count is actually a vampire, he commits an enormous faux pax and confronts the Count with his ring of garlics. The Count hisses and holds his chest (what a ham!). Renfield forces Stanley back into his chair, and announces unfortunate news (tcheah right). There is no way to take the guests back to the tavern and they'll have to remain the night. The Goths look smugly at one another. They were going to stay regardless. Everything is going according to the script in their tourguide brochure it appears.

Renfield takes them all to their rooms. Stanley decides to try to be manly, and plans to stick close to the Goth girls and use his garlic ring to hold off the vampire from them. Awww... he's in stage four.. STUPIDITY!
By contrast, Xev is not much bothered and obviously counts the whole thing as a game. She's focused on finding Kai and helping get done whatever it is he wants to do there. The silly Goths walk past, arguing over who gets to be impaled or whatever, by the Count.

Kai comes up behind Xev, who throws her arms around his neck and gives him a warm hug. He tells Xev that the Count is not really a vampire as Stanley believes, and that Kai did come to the castle in search of the reality behind the legends of the vampire. He speculates that another creature of the Divine Order, similar to himself may have survived from the Light Universe and made it's way into the DarkZone. Xev is puzzled, wondering how such a creature could remain animate without a source of protoblood. Kai points out that it could be sustained in a cryopod as suggested by the picture given to him by Father Borscht. Kai further elaborates, telling Xev that there were a type of 'Super Assassins' that the Divine Shadow created, which were used to police the Divine Assassins, in case they malfunctioned.

Kai agrees with Xev that they can try to locate and destroy the cryopod of a Super Assassin. As he's cautioning her about the tendency of people to vanish in 'hives' like the one they are in, he turns and Xev has disappeared behind a brick wall. (This was a funny nod to this tried-and-true cliche of vampire/horror movies!)

Renfield shows Stanley and the Goth Tart Trio into a tower room. Things are looking up and Stanley is delighted to see there's only one bed. He asks which one of them wants to be "saved" first. The Goth girlies clue Stanley in. They don't want to be saved. They've all got their blood types tattooed on their necks, for the Count to be able to know what flavor he's getting. (Now is it just me? These girls can't really be so stupid as to think that vampires really exist can they? Oh well, maybe they can .. be that stupid I mean)

Meanwhile, Kai is exploring. He enters what looks like a chapel. There's an organ on one side and in the center, where an altar would normally be, there is a sarcophagus, covered with cobwebs. Looks like it's been there awhile. Renfield comes up behind Kai, holding an antique flintlock pistol, which Kai takes away from him. Renfield tries to make small talk to cover over his ineptitude;
Renfield: "So, you're a hunter of vampires."
Kai: "I am a hunter. But, not of vampires."
Renfield: "Ahhh really. And what do you hunt?"
Kai: "I once hunted people, but today I hunt a greater evil."
Renfield, stumbling over his tongue: "What greater evil?"
Kai: "Perhaps the darkness that spawned your vampire legends."
Renfield: "Ahh. Then, it seems you know the truth behind the veil." (well, Renfield knows something we don't it looks like.)

Renfield tells Kai that his great-grandfather met the 'Master' and learned of an ancient myth describing a demon who fell to earth. Weakened, it needed some of it's blood, so took to men and women, making them hunger for the blood of their own. Renfield says, "They would serve the demon, by drawing in prey. And in return, the demon would nurture them." (well? what with? all expense paid trips to Paris? Fast cars? what already? If Renfield and the Goths are anything to go by, it wasn't a superb fashion sense, at any rate.). Kai removes the lid of the altar/sarcophagus. Father Borscht is inside, dead. (really dead). Renfield offers to show Kai the true origin of the 'myth of the vampire.'

The scene cuts to Xev, who has found her way to a dimly lit, richly appointed bed chamber. The Count is standing at the window. He offers Xev some wine which she accepts. She doesn't mind the seduction but wants to get down to it and tells the Count that he can have her. He looks a bit startled, but keeps in role. When Xev passes out, he looks very disappointed! (That must have been some wine to knock out Cluster Lizard Xev. The music for this scene was wonderful!).

Back with Stanley and the Goths. Stanley is fussing around trying to figure a way to get out of the room, which is locked. He pounds on the door calling, "Helllp! I'm stuck in here with three girls wearing too much makeup, who want somebody to suck their blood!" , eliciting a hissing denial from Davinia on the make-up score. Good that she knows what the important things are in life hey?

The count arrives and manly Stanley leaps into action, determined to save the Goths from being sucked (which they desperately want). His crucifix, garlic and etc have no effect on the Count however (okay, so clearly he is not a vampire, he's some guy pretending to be the Count.) Stanley, back against the wall (um, window actually) makes his last stand. The Count and his floozies all tell him to jump! Stanley whips out his ocharina (dire times have arrived), puts it to his lips....and.. blows!

Stanley still doesn't jump over the edge, so Muffy marches right up and pushes him over. Ha! She gets caught and falls out the window with Stanley! Serves her right, the worthless, murdering slut! Eeek! The Moth has in fact come to the ocharina's call and Stanley and the Slut land on the Moth's back. The lousy bitch has the nerve to call Stanley a "bastard". Look who's talking, Slut!

Meanwhile, Renfield is leading Kai into a trap. Silly dufus. Even after Kai warns him that he'll kill Renfield if this turns out to be a trap, Renfield carries on. He sends Kai into a sarcophagus shaped corridor, then seals it and presses Kai into an Iron Maiden type affair. The points come right through the front, and Renfield smugly remarks, "Say hello to Mummy." Just wait Renfield, your turn's coming.

In the Moth, Muffy is very put out saying that her friends are lucky bitches because they're probably vampires by now. What is this girl on?? She further says that if she can't get off with Dracul, she's definitely getting off with Kai. Stupid twat. Maybe Kai'll get her off alright, on the end of his brace. Stanley (Stage 3 again) is afraid to go back, says his 'friends' don't deserve his help, but after he gets another shot at the pub he thinks he will in fact go back for them.

Back at the castle, Dracul is still doing his routine. We learn that the Goth girls don't really believe he's a vampire at all. In fact, we learn that he's in the doghouse because he let Tweedle get away. What do they want with Tweedle? They had him right there. Why didn't they do whatever they wanted while they had him? Silly twats. The Count consoles them with the fact that he's captured Xev for them at any rate. The two dopey, I mean mopey, Goths go off to see Xev in bed.

Renfield, for some reason, has now hoisted Kai's Iron Maiden aloft in the dining hall. He gibbers in the prescribed manner of vampire flunkeys. There appears no justification whatever for him doing this, other than that the plot requires it to be here in an upcoming scene. Or perhaps this is where they get the ingredient supplies for dead-thing pie?

Stanley and SlutMuffy get back to the tavern. As usual, the conversation stops and all heads turn. Stanley wastes no time bellying up for another shot of 'mountain water'. One of patrons comes up and remarks with some amazement that Stanley has survived the Count's feast. Muffy, disdainful twat that she is complains that Stanley is "so embarrassing." Ha! Can we say: Pot?! Kettle?!

Stanley continues on to give a very less than crowd-stirring speech, but as soon as he mentions that they have Dead-Thing-Pie up at the castle, the villagers are suddenly galvanized into action and form a mob to storm the castle. Seems Dead-Thing-Pie is a big hit with the villagers. Van Helsing, wavers in doubt. He's always expounded on the non-existence of vampires, but he's afraid and jams out. The mob makes it's way up to the castle chanting "Dead thing pie." The gatekeeper says nervously, "Yes?"   The head peasant announces their credentials... "Lynch MOB!"

Xev awakens after her nice little wine-induced nap. Somebody has changed her clothes. She's wearing a very pretty nightgown. Davinia and Mandragora arrive to seduce her. They tell her they were eaten long ago (wonder what they mean? not by the Count at any rate) and now they want to eat her. Xev seems quite game, must be her cluster lizard carnivore side there, but unfortunately she dozes off for a bit. I told you these Gothy sluts were boring.

Down in the dining hall, the 'Count' is pontificating to the Iron Maiden about how he's the master here and won't stand for being usurped. He gets a halberd and knocks open the face plate of the Maiden, giving Kai the opportunity to shoot his brace through the chain holding the Maiden off the floor. The Maiden's cover pops aside and Kai pulls himself off the spikes belying the Count's assertion that "this is not a charade". (Silly fake count, he thought this was all part of the role, obviously) The limey ham promptly drops his phony Slavic accent and in less than proper English exclaims, "Oh bugger!".

Now we see why Renfield brought the Iron Maiden into the dining hall. They needed a big enough room for all these people to get into. The fake Count is whining that he's just a Brit actor hired to do this job by the real owner, whom he doesn't know. Renfield arrives and under a chokehold from Kai's brace, reveals that he's the real owner. Stan, and Slut also walk in. Kai really wants to get to the bottom of this. He asks the Brit actor if Renfield is in fact the only master. Before the guy can say anything, Renfield shoots him in the back with an arrow.

Moronic slut Muffy says, "Good shot!" Stanley mutters, "Well, that's a switch, five minutes ago you were ready to have his little vampire babies." She makes some sort of tarty comeback but I couldn't hear it. No doubt it was as vapid as the rest of her. Renfield, cretin to the last, loads another arrow and tries to shoot Kai, who pulverizes his heart with the brace.

Muffy goes over to look. She certainly looks more concerned about Renfield than about the actor guy. Does she in fact know Renfield as more than just the servant of the castle?
Muffy is checking out the Iron Maiden (help you into that dear?) and feeling one of the spikes. She asks Kai if he was in it, and what did it feel like. Kai replies : "It was a penetrating experience."

Stanley makes to follow Kai out the door, but Muffy darts over to stop him. Oh now she's doing the all-grateful-and-how-can-I-ever-thankyou routine. Stan has no trouble making suggestions of how, so Muffy takes him to a spare room. She starts to strip off. We get a look at a tattoo on her midriff - it looks like the divine order iris. (K, so Stanley isn't hungry, isn't scared .. guess what stage we're at right now)

Stanley's vocalizations can be heard from the main entrance hall where Kai and Xev are leaving. Xev has dropped the nightgown and dirndl, and is back in her blue poodle outfit. Kai and Xev walk out and through the courtyard, until they hear Davinia and Mandragora calling "bye-bye" from atop the central battlement. Muffy next appears and invites the girls to smell her fingers! (Ewwwwww! What a slut! Oh, wait a second. She was rubbing her fingers on the spikes in the Iron Maiden. They are probably covered with protoblood. Which leads us to discuss again, just what does protoblood and Kai smell like? Now, some of us have suggested pineapple...er...I digress.) Mandragora smiles and says it's time to show the Queen Bitch. Gee, you mean we haven't met the Supreme Slut yet? Oh goody. Something to look forward to.

Stanley comes out to join the Goths. He waves down to Kai and Xev and says he's not quite finished yet, and disappears again with the girls.

Suddenly, we see an opening in the floor of the castle battlement. It's shaped like the Lexx iris. The camera zooms down and down till we reach an underground hallway. There's a cryopod there! And somebody... inside!

We hear a female voice, a rather whiny voice at that, complaining that she is weak and asks why she's been awakened. The Goths explain that Renfield has been lost. The female voice replies that they didn't have to wake her just for that. (oh boy, this is going to be one querulous Slavic bitch, I can tell! You can just hear her can't you? 'Not tonighhhht Boreese... I hev a headache!')

Muffy, sycophantic slut, also tells the crone that they have served their Mistress well, and she rubs some protoblood on the hag's old, cracked, wizened lips. The mouth convulses and says, "More!". Then Stanley! steps forward and says "We can get you more. We can get you all you need." And he smiles ingratiatingly. Shades of The Web! Stanley's brain is taken over again. Now he's in cahoots with these tawdry, slutty Goths and who or whatever, their Mistress is.   With next week's episode, titled 'Vlad', I'm sure we are going to find out.

(This last scene is quite interesting. When the voice of the cryopod occupant first speaks, it's one person. When she says "More" after tasting the tasty protoblood, it sounds just like the voice of the Time Prophet, who was played by actress Anna Cameron, as noted on the Lexx cast page for I Worship His Shadow.) And by the way, for any potentially offended Goths out there, I'm not bashing the three weird sisters because they are goths, but because they are shallow, deceitful, moronic twats:-))