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Woz

While Stan and Xev are "enjoying" their meal of green Lexx-goo, 790 bursts into tears (as much as a robot can cry). When asked what the matter is, he reveals that Xev is nearing the end of life, due to an expiry date given to all Love-Slaves when they are transformed. As he made Xev, he knows that she only has 79 hours left to live... A conference with the rest of the crew reveals that although the machine used to make love-slaves was destroyed when the Lexx blew up the cluster, there may be one other machine left on a remote planet called "Woz". Luckily, 790 knows where it is, and the Lexx heads there with all speed. 790 hopes he knows how to use the machine, as he thinks it is a much earlier model than the one he was used to on the cluster. Arriving at Woz, the crew take a moth down to the surface. It really is a very unpleasant planet, all sand and rock with enormous whirlwinds scarring the landscape. This is why they needed a "lusticon" (the machine used to transform Xev) - there was no other way to get the clerics to stay other than a healthy supply of love slaves. As the moth heads into the atmosphere, it is caught by a whirlwind and plummets towards the ground. The moth lands with a crash, but all are safe. As they get out of the moth, Kai points out that they have landed on something, or rather, someone. A pair of red and white striped stockinged feet are sticking out from under the moth (do you see a pattern developing here..?) and the former occupant of these stockings is well and truly squashed. Unaware that they are being watched by a dark woman through a crystal ball, they leave the moth and head towards the nearest sign of civilisation - a building apparently inhabited entirely by women. Inside, the women introduce them to "The Wozzard" (hmmm) a middle aged man who proclaims to be able to help Xev lengthen her sell-by date. He had better hurry for by now, Xev only has a few more hours to live. The Wozzard, however, wants something in return. He explains that the person they squashed when they landed was in fact one of his 'sisters' (as all the women appear to be called. I think this is in a cult way, rather than in a biological way). The woman was on a mission to kill the Dark Lady who lives in the tower and preys on the insecurities of young women, transforming them into love slaves to sell to the sex-slave market. And she gives them a expiry date of only 7 days. The Wozzard agrees to help Xev if Kai and Stan take over the mission and kill the Dark Lady. The Wozzard even knows Kai's name, which he explains is because he trained as a cleric previously. Kai was apparently a "Dark Legend" who he thinks will be perfectly suited to this kind of job. Kai says he will kill the Dark Lady if Stan and Xev want him to. Stan realises they don't have much of a choice, but Xev does not want anyone to die on her account. 790 of course doesn't care, as long as Xev is alright, so Kai and Stan head off to do the deed. The Wozzard meanwhile, has strapped Xev to his, older, version of the Lusticon. 790 cannot interface with it because a part he needs is missing, so the Wozzard makes the transformation himself. The machine starts and Xev cries out in pain... Kai and Stan have reached the perimeter fence around the tower. It is electrical and too high to get over. Kai walks directly into the beam until it short circuits, breaching one section of the fence. They head for the tower as sirens are blasting out that "the perimeter has been breached". Making it to the door of the tower, Kai knocks. A mechanical eye questions them. "We have come for the Dark Lady" says Kai. "What do you want with her?" enquires the eye. "To kill her" Kai replies. "Oh Great!" says Stan. Kai turns to Stan. "They will not let us in" he seems confused. Stan is not - "You didn't have to tell them that!" he blasts. Kai looks for another way in. "Hold on to me" he says to Stan, who wishes it was Xev he had to hold onto, but beggars can't be choosers. With Stan clinging on for dear life, Kai uses his wrist brace as a grappling hook to the top of the tower, and reels them up the side. Back on the table, Xev's 'adjustment' is complete. The Wozzard seems very satisfied, and holds up a mirror in front of her face. Xev screams in horror, as the Wozzard explains he can't change her sell-by date, but he can fix it so she doesn't have to be a love-slave anymore, she can live out her remaining 3 hours as God intended. Xev has become Zev. And not the good one... Kai and Stan have made it into the tower. They are attacked by blonde love-slaves with guns, but Kai shrugs off the energy bolts. Stan, in a "I'm with him" move, takes their weapons and Kai leaves him to guard the two girls while he goes off to find the Dark Lady. The girls start acting rather provocatively, which understandably distracts Stan (being easily distracted), causing him not to notice the other two girls with guns who have appeared behind him. Xev, or should I say Zev, is still on the table, having been left alone by the Wozzard and his cronies. They have taken off for the tower, hoping that Kai has breached the perimeter allowing them to get inside and blow the place sky high. They haven't left her alone, however, 790 is there for company, and they have left a lovely video playing to show her how male-fantasies are wrong and women should be proud of their natural shape. This is all filmed using nothing but fruit, and is definately a high spot of this series. Zev is going slowly mad, and fading fast. The Wozzard and his cronies have made it into the castle, by blowing a big hole in the door. Several of them got killed, but the Wozzard and two others are now inside. Stanley is now in the middle of the room where he was holding the two girls, with four guns pointed at him. "Don't shoot me, I'll do anything!" he pleads. One of the love slaves has a suggestion..."Strip!" she commands. Kai has found the Dark Lady. She is a small woman with a tall hat, and her face is partially obscured by a wrap over her mouth. Kai points his weapon at her, but hesitates. He drops his arm and walks nearer. "Before I kill you, remove your covering. I prefer to see my victims face to face". He reaches out to remove her wrap, but she moves away. "I think I'll do us both a favour and politely decline" she replies "I don't want the last thing I see to be your face twisted with revulsion at the sight of my hideousness". Kai relents, but raises his weapon again. She falls to her knees "Oh please don't kill me, I'm a good person!". Kai circles her "I have killed many good people..." "Then get on with it!" The Wozzard appears in the doorway, wearing a jacket covered in test-tubes filled with a red liquid. He explains that these are isotopic devices that emit pure light and will destroy the tower and everyone in it. He only needed Kai to breach the boundary, and from here on in, he's taking over. Stanley is semi-naked surrounded by four beautiful women. This is not how it happens in his dreams however, as they are all pointing guns at him. Until two of the Wozzards sisters burst in and point guns at the love-slaves. Stanley redresses hurriedly while the sisters try to convince the love-slaves that they have been fooled into wanting male-driven fantasy bodies and that they only have 7 day expiry-dates. The love-slaves counter that they have already been here a number of months however, and the becoming-less-convinced-that-this-is-a-good-idea-sisters look confused. Then one of the love-slaves shoots, and all six wipe each other out, leaving Stanley alone in the middle of the room. He runs. "I will not kill you now" says Kai. "Oh that gives me a lot of comfort" replies the Dark Lady, as The Wozzard explains how the Dark Lady stole the love of his life. "So she became beautiful and dumped you?" says the Dark Lady. "She was already beautiful on the inside", insists the Wozzard, who is about to break open one of his isotopic devices. The Dark Lady removes her coverings, revealing a deformity that makes her head look like an ice-cream cone. She has tried to use the Lusticon on herself, but it doesn't work. So now she helps other girls to become beautiful. Kai decides that now would be a good time to leave, and does so, only pausing to pick up a glass valve from the Lusticon in the corner of the room. The Wozzard, however, is gearing up for the big suicide mission, and breaks open the isotopic device, flooding the room with brilliant white light. Down the corridor Kai makes a leap for safety (rather athletically, I must add) and outside the tower, Stanley watches the whole thing disappear in an almighty flash. "Kai?" Stan calls "are you alright?" Kai appears over the top of a sand-dune. "The Wozzard's bright idea" he explains. Back on the bench, Zev is unconscious and 790 is distraught. Kai plugs in the valve from the Dark lady's lusticon, and 790 operates the machine. Zev is transformed back into Xev, which is good news all round. As she gets up, 790 tells her that he has given her the full 79 years. "Thank you" she kisses 790, whose eyes flash red with hearts. Then she kisses Kai, whose eyes don't. Then she pats the puckered up Stanley on the cheek. Back on the Lexx, Stanley asks if she is feeling any different after her ordeal. Xev only says one thing. "There's no place like home..."