Xevivor |
Jeff Hirschfield returns to the writing saddle with this outrageously funny send-up
of the *reality* ( and I use that term soooooo loosely!) based show, Survivor.
It ends up looking rather more like a yummy Deliverance-Luvliner-791 hybrid
repast, with a savoury vegetable relish on the side! The episode opens with a slick and sleezy T.V. promo clip promising studs, a BABE and sizzling island sex - the promoter? Hey, it's Schlemmi! .. er, no, it's Fifi! Well, it's both rolled up into one new slimeball named Farley, and for the starring BABE, he's got his miniscule heart set on none other than that "jug of hotsauce who's got half the men on the planet bursting their Levis", Xeeeeevv Bellringer!After her appearance on P4X, Xev has naturally become an instant hot property .... unfortunately, nobody can find her... until her 'agent' calls up Farley. Her agent? Aha! The SlimyGit™ hasn't given up trying to keep the Lexx within reach. Farley and Prince sling some hilarious Hollywood Hype back and forth on the phone... Farley: "Prince! You still there big guy?" Prince: "Shore am Chief, how's owah itch?" Farley: "Gettin' scratched!" Prince: "Mojo?" Farley: "Workin'!" Prince: "Whole lotta shakin?" Farley: "Big time bakin'!" Prince: "EeezyPeezie?" Farley: "Jap-a-Neezi!" Prince: "Rahhchuss! Lickit' up!" (He hides it, but I always knew Prince was Trailer Trash!) Farley interrupts to conference with his head guy; who gives his blessing; they are HOT to get Xev and keep her for as long as they can ... and that suits Princey to a T. Farely: "Prince! You make the gravy, we'll slather the ham!" Prince: "Ah laick mahhne from thuh butt, meat from the sweet spot." Farley: "Fine dining!" Prince: "Ef you laik porrrk." Farley: "Hey Prince, pleasure doin' business with ya." Prince: "Yo mamma" and he terminates the connection and remarks in his oh-so-civilized Queen's English, "That went well", and connects with the party on his other line ... 790 who agrees that went very well! (You evil little metal git!!!) Prince failed to tempt Stan and Xev, but it's unclear who pitched who here!.. "It's a pleasure doing business with you, Robot-Head." 790 smiles a sick, evil smile and replies, "Yo mammma." Farley tells his boss that he chose the location for Xevivor out of a computer, and no matter what questions he put in, the computer repeatedly chose Zig-Zig Island, which he's never heard of. The scene jumps to 790 sitting like an evil spider on his little go-cart, still gloating 'all your base are belong to ME!' er, no he said, "Robot revenge has arrived, right on schedule" (Ha! I guess we know who was manipulating the computer's answers!), *and*, we see a horde of the flying carrot thingies passing the Lexx and heading down to the middle of the ocean (actually near the BVI I think which is where they shot Xevivor.) Okay, so has 790 made a deal with the Flying Penetrating Carrot Horde too? Or is he just privy to their communications and plans? 790 next baits the lure for Xev and Stanley. He has no trouble at all convincing the showering Xev (aww c'mon Beans, that's TWO shower scenes for Xev already this season! Whaddabout Kai?! or Stanley - I just included Stan in here for MissJean's sake) that she wants to star as the prize for 10 sweaty studs, but has to work harder to sucker Stanley, whom he guarantees a wild card spot amongst the contestants and assures that since decisions will be made by computer, 790 can infallibly arrange that Stan will be the one to "shake the LoveHut with Xev". He persuades Stan (who rolls his eyes in exasperation at 790's dead-directed lust) that his sole motive is to be alone with Kai, and it's worth his time to have Stan and Xev out of the way down on Earth playing around in the sand and surf. (Stanley, Stanley, Stanley, BEWARE a helpful, reasonable-sounding 790!) Off Xev goes after asking Kai to keep an eye on the broadcast, to make sure things are not going wrong. And a few minutes later, Stanley 'decides' to pop down to Earth too. Kai wonders why he now wants to go down to a place he never wanted to go to again, but Stan just makes an excuse and after wishing the dead guy and the robot head to have fun, he flies off after Xev with a lustful gleam in his eye. Down on ZigZig Island, Farley is in a tizzy, all hot and bothered about the dialogue written for him to open the show with (which he feels certain makes him sound like a homo!) and holding an urgent cell conference with his Quack-of-the-Month about how to be rid of his "sick urges". He vehemently asserts his straightness to his assistant Pearl, and demands she get the thing re-written. (hahaha! Farley, Farley, Farley, do you recall a certain robot-head and flashing strap-on from long ago and far away? Robot Revenge is a complex craft indeed! 790 had no trouble recognizing Prince, so I'm sure he has spotted his old friend Schlemmi/Fifi) Farley introduces the "studs that are to die for!", (with a betraying pelvic punctuation that nearly makes him cry for a second!) and Xev, the "most succulent female in the Universe." He's also got a line-up of red-hooded, red-robed wild card contestants waiting the cut.....Stanley resides under Number 4... Kai discovers that Stan is on the island and asks if 790 arranged this. 790 confesses, crooning seductively, "I'm a bad Head.. spank me." Just then, they are interrupted by Tina, the geek girl calling from Dr. Longbore's headquarters. 790 experiences the same feeling we all get when telemarketers ring the house during dinner hour, but Kai takes the call. Tina gushes (there is no other word for it) at Kai that they've found some more information on the Divine Order symbol, and she's dying to show Kai her panti...erm.. everything! (Trailer-Trash Tramp! 790 agrees and says "I'm going to virtually vomit!") 790 pleads with Kai not to leave, but after Tina assures Kai he can watch the Xevivor broadcast from the headquarters, he leaves the crazed 790, more bent on his revenge than ever. "There's only one thing to do when the deceased break your heart.. and that's to make others pay!" 790 makes the computer select Number 4, and Xev, happily cavorting in the sand with her suitors, nearly has a Lizard fit when she sees Stanley emerge from his red shroud. Stanley tells her she should be more worried about Farley (whom both of them have recognized as a treacherous git from his Schlemmi and Fifi incarnations.) We have a funny scene in Xev's dressing shack, with her gay dresser and hair stylist sniping cattily at one another over her head as they fuss with her hair and clothes. They look with mounting (hehehe) interest as Farley again accidentally lets his 'sick urges' hang out all over the place, as he tries to reassure Xev that there's no chance that Stanley will ever be able to win the contest. Farley and Xev release the ZigZig chicken, which the contestants will have to capture and present to her in the Day One contest. The sweaty suitors all grunt and climb with ease out of their enclosure, while poor Stan has to be let out by Pearl. While the studs beat their chests and run about the island (followed more slowly by Stan, who probably has a lot more experience than any of them being in tight spots), Farley chants and consults his therapist, (which doesn't go unnoticed by Pearl), Mistress Moonbeam, by cell phone about his worsening 'sick urges', and comes to the conclusion that he's having this problem because of bad things he's done in past lives (you're getting warmer, Schlemmi). Studly Hank (who briefly became Cedric on the first contestant interview) finds the ZigZig chick, but on his way back to camp, has a riveting encounter with one of the mechanical carrots, and Stan happens upon the chicken and takes it proudly back to camp, where Farley is anxiously pumping Xev for information on Schlemmi's and Fifi's sexual proclivities as a clue to his own current urges. He has to explain what gay means to Xev. He doesn't quite get her point about them being "sneaky, never told the truth, and liked to kill people." (There's more than one way to screw people in the backside Farley, ole pal) Xev angrily downs the poor little ZigZig chick in one angry gulp! Stan has immunity for this day at least, but with Stud No. Nine missing, Farley is beginning to get the hint that his brilliant project is going disastrously off track. Meanwhile, Kai has arrived at geek headquarters and Tina plops him down in front of a blue movie..not really, it's an old film clip about Transylvania she's found (which apparently contains something about the Divine Order symbol Kai showed interest in before). Tina dims the lights and Kai watches the film, while Tina starts cuddling and kissing him. He asks her what vampires are and she tells him with a breathy sigh that they are a type of living dead. Hooo boy, is Tina a nut or what?! She's been saving herself special like for somebody alive-dead (she's been reading too much Anne Rice, this girl! Nothing like us droolers who have been dreaming of a ...erm, never mind) and she seems to think Kai is a vampire of sorts. Kai sees something interesting in the film, hey! it's Dan Akroyd! Er.. not really, but it's a figure standing in an old bell-tower and it looks quite like a Conehead. Kai expresses a desire (What?! He's interested in something! Geeeze, I'm falling off my chair here!) in learning more about vampires. (Er, I just gotta run out to the novelty store here, be right back!) **Vampire bashing mode on** I just HAVE to say, Vampires SUCK! What anybody sees in them I cannot fathom! Intense, seductive and romantic! Ha! What a load of bullpuckey!! They're like politicians for crying out loud. Lazy, elite, effete whores laying on their duffs all bloody day, doing sweet dick all, and then fleecing the sheep that they have in their thrall whenever they get the opportunity! As far as I'm concerned, if you're entranced with vampires, you're nothing more than a wannabe! Vampire lovers want to become vampires, so *they* could lay around on *their* asses all day and live off others, just like their idols! I've never seen a bigger narcissistic personality disorder than Lestat! **Vampire bashing mode off** Things are getting worse on ZigZig Island. Studs (Nelson and Valentino this time) are dropping like so many carrot gratings and Farley now desperately asks Stan if Farley was gay when Stan knew him before. He has to explain what gay is to Stan too. Farley's smarmy executive producer, sitting in his office, surrounded by his sychophants is no help either. He LOVES the ratings that are being generated and doesn't give a toss about much else. 790 continues to fix the vote so Stanley, despite ALL the other contestants and Xev voting him off, continues with his strange immunity, much to the *bleeping* chagrin of the studs! Back at geek H.Q. Tina continues to throw herself shamelessly at Kai, putting his hand on her breast and telling him he can suck her....blood, if he wants to. Kai replies that "The dead do not normally suck blood." What?! They suck it abnormally?? He patiently holds Tina on his lap with a hand curved around her bottom, and works around her. (He's really quite gentle and tolerant with her and doesn't shove her off his lap. He must think 'When in Rome' and suppose that Tina's behavior is standard, Earth-type behavior while watching movies and T.V.) However, he's more interested in the Conehead figure than in Tina's. 790 catches them just as Tina is urging Kai to "pound your stake inta me!" Kai refuses to murder Tina, so 790 does his manipulative act and confesses about his deal with Prince to get Stan and Xev killed on ZigZig Island. He also reveals that the island is infested with alien drones (the carrots) that are on Earth sampling what's good to eat so they can transmit the information back to their mother ship in space. Ackkk! Invasion of the Hungry Killer Carrots. Well, the jig is up. Kai alerts Stan and Xev to flee the island, while the two scurry about trying to stay out of the way of the carrotized hosts. Tina's Brooke brows are to no avail in persuading Kai to remain with her and he takes off in the Moth. Farley is frantic. His boss, Oliver, is delighted with the ratings and dismisses Farley's panic. (He's quite busy anyway, getting sucked himself there, having liposuction. You know, I find it very amusing that this episode is so full of both anal and sucking themes, so particularly well pointed out in this scene of the callous, self-absorbed T.V. exec). After trying to pin the blame on Xev for making him an evil person in his past life, Farley flees the screeching, clicking carrots with one more desperate avowal, "and I'm *not* gay!!" While Kai is winging his way to the island, 790 attempts to the last to bring his plan to successful fruition, and alerts the carrots that "the menu items you are looking for can be found on any monitor." (I am looking forward to seeing what Stan and Xev will do to 790 later!) Stan runs into Farley, who's once again yelling on the phone to a therapist, and when he turns around, we see he's been carrotized too! He's got blood on his face, and one of the drones burrows it's way out of his forehead, like a third eye (oh my, what would Mistress Moonbeam say?) and he leers at Stan, "Hello handsome....I wanna taste your meat!" Stanley shrieks and flees, falling into the enclosure again, and is surrounded by the carrotized humans and a flock of clicking carrot drones (who seem to not like water). Xev, hearing his screams for help is finally provoked sufficiently to go Lizard and mows them down to rescue Stan. Their Moth has been destroyed by the carrots, so they make for the beach and their final stand. The carrot zombies and drones advance on them. Stan and Xev, more-or-less pals again, tell each other they were glad they knew one another. Then Farley, starts chanting, "Bad Boat". We cut to a scene of a couple on their boat... sticking carrots into a food processor! Oh LOL!!! hahahahahahha! The zombie crew take up the chant, and ignoring Stan and Xev now, plunge into the water with the fervor of Vegans, in pursuit of the wicked, evil carrot-grinding couple! The carrot drones clearly don't swim, and they launch off the beach and head for the boat like a cloud of outraged wasps. Kai arrives to pick up the castaways and they head off into the setting sun. (Sigh!! This episode just has everything!!) Kai tells them he is interested (I'm going to have to get used to that!) in visiting Transylvania and in reply to Xev's question says, "There may be someone there, that fate would have me meet." (hehe, I bet it's somebody much more penetrating than a greengrocer, but if it's Lestat, *I'm* gonna virtually puke! ) When I first watched Xevivor, I didn't think it was as good as Stan Down, but the more I watched it the harder and harder I laughed. It really is wonderfully and cunningly written, and funny to a totally evil degree. Superb vintage Lexx! Great job, Jeff! |
