Dickens Peninsula Press Release
October 12, 2001

"Almost immediately after Dickens Peninsula's Declaration of Independence - an act that was inspired by the El-Hussaqi movement against oppressive Rattanjeetland; the [Ethnarch] mobilized 205,000 elites against the "defenceless" and unprepared Citizens of Dickens Peninsula. Rattanjeetland, already crumbling from El-Hussaq's untimely departure, decides to take matters into its own hands by cohering with Miketon; crushing any further nations that tries to challenge its authority - even the peaceful and righteous Citizens of the Dickenson Empire. In the process, the entire DP Defence Forces of 25,433 were wiped out by an invading force of over 20 times the size, and the two Small Military Bases were destroyed.

"Ironically, the highly precise [Rattanjeetarr] cruise missiles missed the Grand Military Base, but hit the undeveloped road and segments of the river. When asked about this strange and bizarre event, an unidentified Rattanjeetarr supporter replied with:

'It was utter confusion! We cannot explain this most bizarre event! The missiles were aimed at the Grand Military Base at ~99.999% accuracy; yet they seemed to be non-responsive at the time of impact! They seem to be repelled and scattered by some invisible shield before impact; towards roads and the river with its net effect nullified. Some of the debris was directed back at the Rattanjeetar army dealing approximately 20,000 military casualties.'

"Although the Rattanjeetarr army took out most of the offensive capabilities of DP, the Citizens were undaunted. Rather than to surrender to the aggressors, the groggy-eyed Citizens fought their way out of their homes in their sleepwear with their most abundant and effortlessly made weapon on hand (yet the most feared by Rattanjeetar forces) - homemade flame throwers. As the hair and beards of the Rattanjeetarr army burned; the Citizens evacuated via every type of transportation device available. However, the Rattanjeetarr army, almost the size of the entire DP population countered every possible method of escape. Desperate Citizens headed towards the Dickenson Harbour in hopes that their boats and yachts were not vandalized and destroyed by the aggressing army. Approximately 24,000 children boarded those transportation vehicles as approximately 250,000 men and women stayed behind to defend the harbour. As the Ethnarch drew near, the Citizens looked back seeing the entire Rattanjeetarr army surrounding them. An irate Citizen said to the Universalistic Dictator:

'Was it because there are no graves at our beloved Peninsula where the great Dick has provided us? Taking us away from our homes, towards this speedy wilderness! Is this not what we have told you when we were still at our homes - to surrender to our oppressors and pray that in their next life in hell; that they will drink nothing but piping hot Super Starbucks, and shop nowhere but Villa Plaza, and Groceria dela Vella! - For it would be better to die knowing that they will too suffer than to have our graves unmarked, and our bodies washed away by the river.'

"But the Universalistic Dictator calmly said to the Citizen:

'Do not be afraid and stay firm against your demons for this is a test by our Lord. If you believe, you will see the deliverance that our Lord has prepared for you today. Your enemies that are before you today, you will never see again for they will have to face the wrath of the Lord. As evidence although we need no evidence, our Lord had protected us in our sleep when he placed his Holy Shield deflecting the missiles headed for the nuclear reactors - and in the process, smiting the Rattanjeetar army. Our Lord will fight for us... we only have to stand still and wait.'

"The Universalistic Dictator then stood near the water, with the fiery waves of water splashing off the rocks and blasting his face. He grimaces and squints his eyes trying to see past the vicious waves. Then, as if directed by an invisible hand, the Universalistic Dictator straightens his posture and holds out his hands. He slowly raises his arms and lifts his head staring at the sky. The sea was then driven back by a strong wind as the water seeped away turning into dry land. The water, then, divided by two pillars of the same element forming a wall on the left and the right as the Citizens ran into the sea and crossed the dried strip of land.

"As of the moment, the Rattanjeetarr [army] stands along the Dickenson Harbour wide-mouthed and flabbergasted and the majority of DP's Citizens stood behind the back of the Universalistic Dictator."

See the original press release here.

Editor's Note: Actually, the majority of the Dickensian refugees, including the Universalistic Dictator, are currently in a CP humanitarian aid camp in East El-Hussaq after spending 24 hours floating in the river.