....and now, back to PENGUIN$

********************

At first, as she came to her senses, Valeria was pretty certain there was a
darn good reason why she was standing in the rain, dazed and waving goodbye
to no one. Someone, or something, very important to her had just left.

The only problem was, try as she might, she couldn't remember who, or what.

Behind a comforting, pleasant buzzing in her brain, a throbbing headache was
fighting its way to the surface. Thinking, let alone remembering anything
had become a sluggish, difficult and unimportant process. It was better just
to give in to the urge to wave.

Then the buzzing faded and the pain climbed to a shrieking pitch. Valeria
staggered, hands to her temples.

Two small yet strong hands caught her and eased her to the ground.

"Fight it," said a woman's voice, not unkindly. "It's the only way to clear
it out."

Valeria nodded weakly, eyes still tightly shut.

Several moments passed before she adjusted to the pain, forcing it to become
bearable with the aid of fear and adrenaline. Finally, the only unpleasant
sensation left was the stinging of tiny knives caused by the rain-pitted
night wind that cut across her skin.

Teeth chattering, Valeria raised her head to get her bearings and found
Anita Blake staring down at her with concerned eyes.

"Better now?" Anita asked. When Valeria nodded, the petite necromancer
helped her struggle to her feet. "I need your help with the others," she
said.

"The others?" Valeria asked weakly, not really wanting to know but following
the direction in which Anita was pointing. Nothing could have prepared her
for what she saw.

"You've got to be kidding me," she said, after a moment of shocked silence.
She found it was all she could say. Giggling insanely just didn't seem
appropriate.

Then everything came back to her in one rushing, nauseating dose of reality.

The penguins were gone, but what they'd left in their place was an odd yet
frightening reminder of their danger to mankind. It was the most bizarre
example of Penguin Mind Control Syndrome Valeria had ever seen in over three
years of penguin hunting.

Three of her bad-ass mercs were standing at attention by the bus. All were
holding guns to their heads and grinning big goofy grins.  George stood
nearby, glassy eyed and waving a white flag that looked suspiciously like a
bra. Edward, previously fully clothed, was now wearing nothing more than
boxer shorts with tiny Spice Girls on them and sock suspenders. Larry was
curled up at his feet in the fetal position, sucking both his thumbs. The
rest of the team wasn't in much better shape.

Valeria, still somewhat shaky, walked over to the frozen mercs to get a
closer look, feeling helpless. "It seems," she said wryly, "that someone has
a wicked sense of humor."

"They do, don't they?" Anita smiled, brimming with what seemed like maternal
pride. "This has got to be Opus' doing, the little devil."

"What did you just say?" Valeria turned to face the dark haired woman,
suspicion leveling her voice to a bare whisper. "For a moment there you made
it sound like you know these particular penguins."

"Well," Anita exclaimed. "I may have just met them, but they are MY
Penguins. They said so."

"Y-your Penguins?" Valeria suddenly wished that she could be anywhere but
where she was standing. "Anita, explain 'your penguins' to me please?"

"It's a little hard to explain," she said, poking at Larry to wake him up.
"Just before I kissed Pingu, they explained to me..."

"Pingu," Valeria said, completely dead pan. "They have names? They... uh...
actually talked to you? You understood them?"

"Work with me here, Orbus," Anita growled viciously, her gun materializing
in her hands. "You think this is easy for me?"

"Sorry."

Anita nodded, re-holstered her weapon and continued. "Anyway, as I was
saying, the penguins explained that after my poor Siggy was killed in St.
Louis..."

"Siggy...Sigmund? THE Sigmund?"

"Yeah," Anita said with a sad smile, "My ex."

"Your what!!!? But I thought...," Valeria stammered

Anita waved a hand distractedly. "You mean about Jean-Claude? Ancient
history."

"Sure." Valeria nodded weakly, looking for a place to sit down. "Whatever."

"As I was saying," Anita continued, "after my poor Siggy was killed in St.
Louis, things calmed down. No one knew what to do or what they were fighting
for. Except for some fringe fighting with the Cat Army..."

"Cat Army?" Valeria blinked.

"Orbus, you have no manners to speak of," Anita snapped.

"Sorry."

Anita shook her head and tried again. "Except for the fringe fighting, most
of the Penguin Army decided it was time to call it quits and go home. They
don't really want to hurt us, you know. They're pawns in this horrible
nightmare just as much as we are."

Valeria thought about the carnage that had occurred over the past three
years, but kept silent.

Anita had moved to the huddled form of Larry and was nudging him with her
foot. After a moment or two of getting no response she grabbed his elbow and
began to pull, extracting one thumb out of his mouth with an loud 'POP!'.

"Help me get him to his feet," she said.

Valeria pulled herself up off the wet ground and took hold of Larry's other
elbow, dislodging the other thumb. Together they dragged him to his feet.
Anita grabbed the young man's hair at the crown and raised his face to meet
hers. She then squished his cheeks with her right hand and rattled his face
side to side.

"C'mon Larry. Fight it. Talk to me."

Valeria decided to press for more information. "So what do you have to do
with all this?"

"This?" Anita asked, glancing over her shoulder at the rest of the team,
"Nothing. We, uh, were supposed to be in New Mexico by now. I don't know
where these penguins came from, but I'm glad we found them because they
chased Raina off and now I have to help them."

"Raina? Who's Raina?" Valeria said, feeling utterly baffled, "and why do you
have to help the penguins?"

"Raina's the whole reason we have to help the Penguins," Anita said grimly,
"That, and the fact that they're in trouble and they're Mine."

"So you're saying that this Raina person is going to hurt them?" Valeria
asked, liking this Raina person already.

"Well. No. Not really," Anita said absently, prying Larry's eyelids apart
with her fingers and bringing herself eyeball to eyeball with him, peering
intently as she spoke. "Raina's dead...sort of. But that's not the point.
She hates penguins."

"And the reason why a dead woman who hates penguins is important to us
is...?" Valeria prompted.

Anita sighed. "Because Raina's spirit has chosen to live inside me and make
my life a living hell. When she saw the penguins, she gave up control. When
I came out of it before the rest of you, I realized that she was sort of
gone." Anita grinned as Larry came to and jerkily moved back a step on his
own.

"Aw geez Anita, you're not gonna kiss me again are you?" He said coughing
and blinking through his bangs. Somehow he managed to look both wary of, and
interested in, the prospect at the same time.

Anita smiled warmly and hugged him, her cheeks coloring.

"Excuse me," Valeria said. "Not to interrupt or anything but if she's gone,
why do we still have to help the penguins?"

Anita grimaced. "She's not really gone. At least not yet. Raina's not that
easy to get rid of. Before my Penguins could scare her away for good they
were ordered away by someone who's controlling them, and we're going to have
to stop this someone. We can't let this penguin, or person, or whoever take
over where Sigmund left off. I mean, that's the whole reason why I killed
him in the first place."

With that she moved off to help Edward, Larry shuffling behind her.  Valeria
was left standing on the rain-slicked street with her mouth hanging open,
speechless over this latest revelation. Before she could recover enough to
say anything, she caught movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to
see what it was.

Two feet from the bus, Christi Morgret and Winston Forrester were locked in
a torrid lovers clinch.

"Oh my," was all Valeria could say and moved slowly towards them, hand over
her mouth, gaping.

"Awwwwwww. Looks like twoo wuv." Anita grinned over her shoulder as she
slapped Edward's face hard, trying to force his mind to clear. Larry
frantically hunted around for the assassin's clothes.

The rest of the team was coming to their senses, one by one. Peter had
managed to recover without much more than a slight headache and was sitting
on the steps of the bus, holding a stop watch, laughing and wiping tears
from his eyes as he watched the unlikely couple. Several team members had
joined him since he'd begun timing the duo.

"So how much longer until they come out of it?" Valeria asked Peter.

"Any second now is my guess," he said, shaking his head in amusement and
chuckling. "Man, Morgret is NOT gonna be a happy camper."

As predicted, Christi's eyes suddenly snapped open, clear and rational yet
confused.  They focused on her audience and then back to the face of the man
whose mouth was plastered to hers. Realization hit. Her eyes widened with
outrage.  She shoved Forrester away from her roughly with one hand, then
made a fist with the other and delivered an expert blow aimed at his nose.
Forrester grunted as his feet flew up from the wet cement a beat before his
butt replaced them on it.

"Asshole," Christi growled, panting.

"What the hell?" Forrester asked weakly, dazed but otherwise free of the
effects of Penguin Mind Control.

Peter turned to Valeria. "Apparently it effects everyone differently," he
said.

"No kidding," she replied, but the humor of the situation had suddenly
abandoned her. The penguins were gone without a trace, and more than likely
they were closing in on the unsuspecting city. This was no time for
laughter. They had a job to do.

"Listen up!" Valeria yelled, "I want everyone on the bus NOW!"

They needed to get back to the factory to deal with their wounds and prep
for the battle ahead. With most of the original team gone they were small in
number. She couldn't risk spreading them too thinly doing reconnaissance,
but somehow they'd have to find their prey before things got out of hand. It
was time to get serious.

Anita Blake had plans to save her penguins. Valeria just wanted them out of
her city. Maybe they could do both.

Swaying slightly as she recovered, Mina wiggled her body as if something
wasn't quite right. "What the hell?" she said, confused, then pulled the
front of her top away from her body and looked down. Her eyes widened.
"HEYYYYYYYY!" She yelled. "Who's the wise guy that took my bra?"

"Sweet mother of...," George sputtered, taking a closer look at the thing in
his hands.

********************

As soon as they reached the factory, the team scattered to make repairs,
gather weapons and load up the bus in preparation to move out once the enemy
was located. With Anita in tow, Valeria made a beeline for her tiny loft
apartment in the upper wing.

As the animator made use of the bathroom to get out of her wet clothes,
Valeria stalked around her bedroom opening drawers, searching for clean, dry
towels and clothing. Housekeeping not being a specialty of hers, she soon
realized that a warm black sweater and thick gray sweat pants was about the
best she could do for her bedraggled American guest. The clothes would be
far too large for the deceptively tiny preternatural expert, but at least
she'd be warm and dry.

Shutting the door to the bedroom, Valeria stripped the wet clothes from her
own body in record time and toweled herself down before digging through a
pile of long neglected dirty laundry. She salvaged a wrinkled white T-shirt,
a black wool vest, faded blue jeans and a tweed jacket. Tugging on the
T-shirt and vest, she buckled on a black nylon over-the-shoulder holster
before sliding into the jeans and jacket to complete the outfit. As nice as
it sounded, there'd be no time for a hot shower. She'd have to find another
way to get warm.

By the time Anita emerged from the bathroom, Valeria had finished dressing
and was hunched in a recliner before the TV, watching CNN. She held a
cellular phone pressed to her ear with one hand and a glass of amber liquid
in the other. A bottle of twelve-year-old J&B scotch sat on the floor by her
feet.

"Are you sure that's a particularly good idea given the situation?" Anita
asked, pointing at the bottle, not impressed at all.

"I guess that answers my question about whether or not to offer you a shot
of the good stuff," Valeria answered with a quick grin. "Don't worry about
me. I'm just trying to get warm."

Shaking her head, Anita walked to a nearby window and sat on the ledge,
watching the city glow across the harbor. "They're out there," she said. "I
can feel them. They need me. We have to do something."

Valeria glanced up from what she was doing. "Can you narrow down that
feeling to the nearest street intersection by any chance?" She asked wryly.

"No," Anita replied, her lips a thin line. She crossed her arms over her
chest and fell silent.

Valeria sighed. "Give me a sec here," she said, "I found this cell number in
the pocket of my jeans. I think I know who it belongs to, and I'm hoping
that if he's alive I might be able to reach him this way."

Pressing the send key, Valeria settled the phone to her ear again and
waited, silently pleading for an answer on the other end. She took a sip of
the scotch, letting the sharp leather and wood-smoke taste settle on her
tongue and travel down to her belly where it became molten heat, warming her
to her toes.

A man who sounded as if he was standing in a wind tunnel answered the phone
on the seventh ring. Valeria smiled at the sound of the accent that gave
away the man's Midwestern American heritage. Jim Butcher, a talented writer,
had a promising future before the Penguin War had put it all on hold. A
dedicated family man, he'd taken it upon himself to pit his will against the
penguin menace to make the world safe for his wife and young son, though he
often joked that his real objective was to make sure there were enough
free-minded people left to read his books. He ran the Oklahoma City rebel
stronghold where the emphasis was on the study of the effects of Penguin
Mind Control Syndrome.

"Mulder, it's me," Valeria said into the phone, stifling a grin.

"What?" The man was forced to yell over the shriek of the wind, "Who the
hell is this?"

"Jim, it's Valeria Orbus from the Toronto Office," Valeria yelled back.
"Glad to hear you're alive. I've heard some horror stories."

"The stories are all true Valeria," Jim growled. "I'm surrounded by the
evidence as we speak."

"Evidence? Where are you?"

"Whitewright, Texas. Or at least it used to be Whitewright, Texas before the
damn birds got to it. The office in OKC was hit just as bad. We lost a lot
of good people, but at least the city is still standing."

"I had a feeling that the Home Office had been taken," Valeria said
ruefully. "Are there any survivors?"

"It happened just before we arrived. I'm not sure yet, but it looks like our
people didn't just let the penguins walk in and take control. Quite the
battle took place here. The town is completely totaled." Jim sneezed loudly.
"I've got people checking the wreckage but there's some kind of dust storm
happening. It's slowing us down. At least the fighting's stopped for now.
Haven't seen nor heard from the birds in over two weeks."

"Uh, yeah." Valeria shook her head sadly. "Jim, we're having a slight
problem up here."

"What kinda problem?"

"The Penguin kind. I don't have much time to explain, but we've lost a large
group of the birds, and I suspect they're headed for the city."

"That," Jim said, "would be bad. Should I ask how you managed to lose the
entire Penguin Army, Orbus?"

Valeria sighed and spilled the whole sordid story, leaving out some of the
more embarrassing details. Still, by the end of it, Jim was laughing
uncontrollbly.

"She actually kissed it?" He asked.

Valeria glanced up at Anita who continued to stare out the window.

"She's, um, apparently not exactly living up to her reputation at the moment
Jim."

That got the Executioner's attention. "Who the heck is that?" Anita asked,
her eyes narrowing.

"No one you know," Valeria smiled meekly and turned her attention back to
Jim. "Can you manage to get us some satellite recon?"

"Not from here," Jim replied. "I'll have to make some calls. You did the
right thing by contacting me. It definitely sounds like something weird
happened to your people up there." He paused, and for a moment all Valeria
could hear was the rushing wind and what sounded like distant yelling. "I've
gotta go Orbus," Jim finally said. "I think we just found our first
survivor. I'll call you as soon as I have something. I've got your number."

The phone went dead in her hand. It was the best she could hope for under
the circumstances, but Valeria couldn't help feeling a queasy knot of
anxiety growing deep in her stomach. She took a large swallow of scotch,
emptied the glass in a following swallow and then reached for the bottle to
pour another. Anita had stopped watching the city and was now watching her,
frowning with undisguised contempt.

"I'm sure another drink will help lots," Anita said dryly.

"I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas Blake," Valeria rubbed her
eyes and slid down further in the recliner," and that's too bad because I've
heard that you've been known to be full of it...uh, them."

"You're not gonna find any ideas at the bottom of that glass either," Anita
said quietly.

The two women stared at each other for a long moment, the air between them
humming with sudden anger. Anita broke the silence first. "I can't stand
this waiting around," she said. "I'm going out there to look for them with
or without your help." She picked up her soggy jacket and stalked towards
the door to the stairway.

Valeria remained silent, staring stubbornly at the TV as the door slammed
behind her. On the screen, a pretty and slightly cross-eyed news anchor read
each story of murder, disaster and global mayhem with an equally amused,
slightly sociopathic glint in her eye.

When a picture of a yowling tabby cat appeared, it triggered something in
Valeria's mind. Anita momentarily forgotten, she forced herself out of her
chair to turn up the volume on the TV.

"And now on a lighter note," the anchor read, "a story of feline rebellion
from Hollywood, Florida, where an unusual jail-break has baffled local
authorities."

The scene cut to an ordinary looking, sun splashed veterinary clinic
surrounded by swaying palm trees. Another announcer took over the story:
"Earlier today, close to 30 cats, being boarded in this South Florida
veterinary clinic, escaped from their cages in a sensational jail break that
is leaving authorities puzzled. Dr. Sam Smith, Head Veterinarian at the
Smith Clinic, was shaken, but had this to say about the incident."

"There were hundreds of them," the man said. He was disheveled and covered
in dirty paw prints. "Thousands maybe. They attacked my assistant and myself
and forced us to open all the cages."

The interviewer glanced into the camera and pressed her lips together to
avoid a fit of giggles. "Doctor, what do you think prompted these otherwise
friendly domestic cats to display such violence?" she asked.

"It was that Elmer Smudge cat," he spat, his eyes wild. "He's a trouble
maker. I tell you that cat's had it out for me ever since he was boarded
here when Hurricane Andrew hit back in '92. He was here this time because
his owner is out of town. All he ever did was bang that stupid tin cup on
the bars and sing the Meow Mix song. It's enough to drive a man insane! I'm
GLAD he's gone, but one of our vans is missing too! That Toonces cat is with
them. They could be miles from here by now. That cat can drive! He's no cat!
He's a demon! They're all demons! DEMONS sent from the depths of Hell to..."

"Thank you Doctor," the interviewer interrupted, firmly yet politely, and
moved aside to allow two men in white coats to drag the babbling vet off the
screen. "Back to you Mary," she added, flashing pricey orthodontic work.

"Thank you Jane," The anchor said, then turned back to face the camera. "In
unrelated news, this just in. A van with Florida license plates is being
tracked heading north on Interstate 95 by police in a chase rivaling the
O.J. Simpson escape attempt. A statement by authorities is still
forthcoming. More news later as this story develops."

"The Cat Army?" Valeria said in a whisper, looking back at the door Anita
Blake had just stormed out of. "Well I'll be."

Shaking her head, she reached up to switch channels to CityTV, a Toronto
station that placed cameras all over the city to use live shots as part of
the their station identification between shows.

"CityTV. EVERYWHERE," the announcer said, but Valeria hadn't heard a word.
She sat, frozen in place by the image of a familiar looking man stepping out
of a limousine on Bay Street. He strode purposefully through the
cathedral-like entrance of the appropriately named Cathedral Tower, one of
Toronto's most prestigious business towers. The man was Dr. Byron Pisces.
Less than three hours ago he'd appeared on the Larry King Show warning the
viewing audience about the Penguin Menace in an interview that had,
supposedly, been live from Antarctica, when his satellite feed had broken
off under suspicious circumstances. His presence in Toronto set off warning
bells in Valeria's mind. It wasn't enough to justify alerting the rest of
the team, but it was worth checking out herself, which was more than fine by
her.

Grabbing her jacket, Valeria rushed out of her apartment, running smack into
Christi who was climbing the winding stair case that led to Valeria's loft.

"Whoa! Where's the fire?" Christi asked.

"No fire," Valeria breathed, "but I think I might have a lead on what
happened to those Penguins."

"I'll get my coat," Christi said.

"No," Valeria replied, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder. "This is
just a hunch. I'm gonna drive into the city and have a look around Cathedral
Tower. It's a long story. I need you to find out if tonight's Larry King
episode was live, or a rerun. I also need you to tell George to stay here
and wait for my call. Is Anita Blake still here?"

"Um, yeah," Christi said, grinning. "She was on her way out, but she got a
bit held up as she passed the weapons room. You should have seen her,
Valeria, she was like a kid on Christmas Day."

Valeria laughed. "I can imagine. I'm gonna try to catch her before she
leaves."

Outside, Anita was sitting on the trunk of Edward's car, trying to get it to
close properly. She'd borrowed a few necessary items from Team Toronto's
weapons room and was having some trouble getting the surface-to-air missile
launchers to lie right.

"Can I give you a hand with that?"

Glancing over to find Valeria standing a few feet away from her, Anita
grimaced. "I'm fine," she said. "I'm always fine. I don't need you."

"Listen," Valeria said quietly. "I'm sorry about what I said. You were
right. My drinking has been an issue I've been trying to deal with for a
while. It's never solved any problems or helped me deal with what I do for a
living. In fact, it's made it worse sometimes."

"It's none of my business." Anita shrugged.

Valeria pursed her lips. "I want to come with you. I have a hunch I know
where your Penguins are."

Anita gazed evenly at her then turned away, seemingly lost in thought. Then,
as if coming to a decision, she jumped off the trunk and opened it to
sacrifice one of the launchers. The trunk closed with a loud "thunk".

"Get in the car," she said. "You can tell me about it on the way there."

Continued in  Issue 5  of PENGUIN$...
 
Back to  PENGUIN$  page