Dear Aunty Roblett

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Just Email Aunty Roblett with your problem to get the wisest advice on the web! All questions will be treated with the utmost secrecy!

Previous Aunty Roblett Problems

  No need to be, Ozzie, may I call you Ozzie? At a young age such as yours it is not uncommon to be unsure of what you want in life. If you have a liking for the tan track, then do not let others get in your way, go forth and seek out as many tan tracks as you wish, but one word advice from your Aunty Roblett, don't ever let your tiny hang loose around me!  
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Does anyone like Lemonade?  

Interesting question there young Curtis Ary. If you are talking about the sparkling drink that comes in a bottle, of course we all do, it's a very refreshing drink! But if you are talking about the Lemonade, Robert Ary, well the simple answer is NO!! So piss off and don't bother me with pointless and stupid questions.  
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My dog loves me but...  

But what? He doesn't give kaff? He doesn't swallow? You are a sick man if you think having it off with your little Jack Russell will make things better and help him like you more. Deviates like you should be locked up and made to go and live with Lemonade for a week!
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Is flanelette still fashionable?  

Well it all depends on what you call fashionable. Fashionable for the 2000s, for the 1990s, or even for the 1980s? I suppose it is like long hair, some people still persist with it when it looks scat while others move on and get with the times. I myself now have a Portugese soccer players do. I even tried to move with the times and bought myself a steak skin shirt but I was bagged no end so I resorted back to my trusty old flannies. As I later found out it was pure jealousy on their part as I looked very shottable in my steak skin, as the long list of 90 year olds that I picked up from the Borry will tell you.  
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Are Richmond supporters that stupid?  

I think you just answered your own question as you obviously must be one to even ask a question like that. Now go and put your false teeth back in, put on your Peter Welsh duffle coat and leave me alone.  
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Why does Albert continue to pick cans up every year ?  

Well I am very disappointed in this question. It almost sounds like you want him to stop picking them up, am I right? No, good. Here's a suggestion, just go around to his house and dump all your cans in his front yard. Then when he comes out to pick them up, jump the fence and smash him. But in reality, I think he just is hoping that someone will take the opportunity to stick it up his clack.  
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Hi Hugh One,
I'm Prez of my club ...... (and I won't mention the name), and have been ridiculed during my reign as president.
I'm told to pick up VB cans off the ground ....... I feel degraded.
Is there any hope of respect for me!?  

First off who the hell is Hugh One? Did you just come off the latest boat did you? Learn how to speak and spell English. Now, do you honestly think that a dirty Armenian speaking wop is going to get any respect anywhere, let alone a cricket club? I tell you, if I had anything to do with it you wouldn't be at the club, you'd be out selling your fat, hairy clacka down Fitzroy Street for 10 cents a shot. Now get around here and pick up that can I just threw on the ground.  
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dear mr huge
i have also heard that you are more than a brilliant painter, you are also a tables and chairs decorater.....is it true as my home is looking pretty boring and i need it redecorated.........

Well, I'm flattered as the advice I prefer to offer is more of the cereberal kind, but when asked, I do love to offer interior decoration advice as well, as it is my secret passion (I occasionally go by the name of Desmond the Decorator). I have a foolproof way to get the look you desire for your home Louis. I like to impart my knowledge for interior decorating to every house I visit, especially after a few muddy waters. In fact that is my secret. I love to get blind drunk on the muddies, roll up to someone's house, (if I am not already there wrecking, oops I mean decorating the place) and make spur of the moment renovations. This may involve delicately moving the odd chair or even table, but trust me, once I have been escorted out head first with blood streaming out of my kaff, you will not even recognise your "as new" house. So to summarise, the secret to a good renovation is a cheap bottle of muddy and 5 minutes of my time.  
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Dear Aunty, long time reader, 1st time writer,
I am not a player at the club, but am in fact married to and "alleged" Normal. My question is, I need to put on some weight, my kids need to put on weight too, but how do I manage this, when my "husband" eats all the food before we can even pick up our knives and forks? Is there anyway we can get him to actually spend "more" time at the cricket club, so that maybe we can eat in peace? Thank you in anticipation.  

It's so great that i am getting questions from virgin surfers. First, let me say there is only one thing worse than a normal, that's someone who thinks they are. Second I understand your problem more than you realise. Occasionally after a game on a Saturday we have a BBQ (not as many as we would like because some lemonade takes 90% of the snags home for himself) and even before any remaining snags are on the hot plate the president virtually inhales them. May I make this suggestion? Just dump the fat freeloader, change the locks and sell the house and move overseas. But not to Armenia as apparently all the blokes are the same over there. This is all quite manageable because if your husband is anything like our president, fair dinkum he wouldn't know if his fat clacka was being barbecued. If all this fails, then I know someone who will "fix" your problem once and for all. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...)  
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Dear Aunty Roblett
I'm an opening batsmen with not much talent ......... I bore the opposition to death with my forward defence foot work and slow scoring. The problem is that I'm boring my own team mates ( fellow Normals ). How can I improve on my cricket to win the respect for my team mates? Anon. A

Anonymous? I will tell you what everyone else tells you down at the club, "F*CK OFF ARY"
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