The Pagan Heart
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May 2005 Issue
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My Heart
By Lillie
Before I start, I wanted to say that your vignettes are wonderful. I too am an IVF Mommy, and while my journey wasn't the same as yours, it shares certain fundamental elements. Your voice is humorous and warm. I hope you keep writing. I have tried IVF 15 times now. Already I hear you asking why? Why keep trying? Surely I get the picture? The Goddess has not chosen me to be a mother. I disagree. Not only have I had visions during meditation of my child, the various psychics I have seen over the years have also "seen" her. They all describe the same little girl - red haired, green eyed. Early born, and impatient. She would carry the soul of one I knew before and fill my days with challenges and love. So for this child I keep trying. And this, my 15th time, has worked. I am 33 weeks pregnant with a girl. I hear her in my dreams, and I feel her as she swims about the contained ocean that is my womb. But she is indeed impatient, and hard to hold. I have been on bedrest and medicated since the 14th week. Hospitalised 4 times. Labor is a never-leaving guest that hovers at my door, and my meditations now are filled with calming efforts to keep her where she is. I do not know who she was, but who she is fills me with wonder. I have been asthmatic since childhood, right up until my fourteenth week. I had a bad attack, and then felt this wave of heat radiate out from my navel. It spread through my body and I have been free of asthma since - I was a regular inhaler-gal, daily in fact. Unable to climb stairs rapidly without becoming short of breath. No more. Unfortunately, I already know that she heals with all her being, knowing no limits. My premature labor set-in as the heat died away. She endangered herself to heal me. And each hospital visit since then has been as a result of the same thing - when I caught the flu, when I burnt myself with some soup (note to self - do not drink soup semi-reclined), and when I twisted my ankle taking a bathroom break. That she is still unborn fills me with wonder. Her ability is incredible, and miraculous. I think my 15 goes at IVF helped prepare me to be the mother she needs. I have learn about delayed gratification, disappointment, hardship, sorrow, determination, faith, and so much more. I think my daughter will test me in all those areas. I pray the Goddess continues to support and guide me. I see so much potential for her, and so much she needs to learn. Her ability to give is wonderful, yet also self-destructive as she does so without thought of self. I know the Buddhists say we come here with a purpose, a lesson to learn or teach, and then we move on, but I do not think her lesson involves killing herself healing others. I think her lesson is to learn to heal with compassion - without endangering herself. And that is something I wish to try and teach her. One of the articles in an earlier issue mentioned chenrezig? That caught my eye and I am now learning more about it so I can help her. I think she has much to teach, but she needs to learn before she can do so. |
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