Answering Machine Messages
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
There John sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with John in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back, only that I won't.
Hi. I'm probably home, just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hello, this is Death. I'm not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone's home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
This is not an answering machine; this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. This is John's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido!
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
This is John's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.
Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.
If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
Thank you for
calling, no doubt,
As you can guess, we're out.
When we get home,
We'll call on the phone.
Until then, just hang about.
Sorry that we're
not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.
Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
