Blonde Jokes!

Firstly I must announce that I have nothing against blondes, as I myself used to be one not so long ago. However, these jokes are extremely funny. If a blonde happens to read this, just substitute the word blonde with the word brunette, or some other group of people that you hate.

How can you tell a blonde has been working at a computer?
There is white out all over the screen.

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"

The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?

"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

A blonde saw a "¿" on her computer screen and asked another blonde,
"How do you do that?" She responded . . .
"Simple, turn the keyboard upside down!"

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an "F" in sex.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight?  

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
 The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
 So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just  love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.

How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She burys it.          

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
Gee, are you sure it's mine?

There is a brunette and 11 blondes hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break and they will all fall to their deaths if one of them doesn't let go. The brunette starts this big heart-warming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself for the others. At the end of the speech the blondes all clap.

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak ‘blonde.’"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat
in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Montreal."

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes are dumb. They established a judging panel of people to ask the questions.

On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59+2?"                                                          The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15-5?"
The blonde responded, "20, right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1+2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde driver.                                  "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"                                                                         The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."

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