Good Comebacks & Smart Quips
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
You're validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That's priceless, as in it's worth nothing.
It's much easier to remember your alibis when you remember the truth.
If I wanted to listen to constant droning I'd buy an air conditioner.
If I throw a stick, will you go away?
I'm not a farmer so I don't need your bull!
You should really write fortune cookies.
Your mother must be proud.
"You remind
me of a famous movie star."
"Really? Which one?"
"Lassie."
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Earth is full. Go home.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I've
just come back from the beauty parlour.
What a pity it was closed!
I've
kept my youthful complexion.
Yes, so I see, all spotty.
You
have a
face like a million dollars.
All green and wrinkled.
Don't
look out of the window.
People will think that it's Halloween.
