Daria Page

The people of Lawndale just don't get Daria Morgendorffer. She's cool with that. Daria’s just trying to make it through high school with as little human contact as possible. Popularity, friends, activities... whatever. Daria lacks enthusiasm, but she makes up for it with sarcasm.

Character Profiles

Daria

Full Name: Daria Morgendorffer
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Freshman at Raft College

Daria, the title character, is the poster child for "teen misfit," and holds in high contempt what she sees as the shallowness and superficiality of the world around her (qualities which are exemplified by her sister, Quinn). She is also cynical -- though she'd say she's "realistic&" -- and mistrustful of authority, and doesn't hesitate to make her opinions known when she sees fit. She has a talent for writing, a sharp intellect, an even sharper tongue (her sarcasm could cut tempered steel), and a wit so dry it makes the Sahara look like a rain forest.

In spite of all that, however, she does have her vulnerable spots. For several years, one of those soft spots used to be Jane's brother, Trent. And why not? A dark, moody musician, who just also happens to be a "total hottie"... his very presence would leave her speechless, and a mere look from him would convince her to do almost anything (even get a navel ring). However, Trent's lackadaisical attitude and his inability to stick to commitments eventually overcame her crush, and she and Trent are now good friends.

Daria is now dating Tom Sloane, who's her intellectual equal as well as a member of one of Lawndale's wealthy elite, though it didn't come about easily. It's a stormy relationship -- both are hampered by a lack of experience with relationships, particularly Daria -- but a good one overall.

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High, receiving the Dian Fossey Award for "dazzling academic achievement in the face of near-total misanthropy." Accepted into the freshman class at Raft College. Broke up with Tom after they both realized that they were headed in opposite directions in life, though they vowed to remain friends and keep each other updated on their lives. Will undoubtedly continue to have more adventures with Jane, who was accepted into the freshman class at nearby Boston Fine Arts College.

Daria on herself: Born alienated. The world is my oyster... but I can't seem to get it open.

Quinn

Full Name: Quinn Morgendorffer
Current Age: 16½
Current Vocation: Senior at Lawndale High

Quinn is the person you would get if you took a girl like Daria, shaved off a dozen or so I.Q. points, and gave her an obsession with fashion, boys, and popularity. She wraps up in one stuck-up, too-cute, self-absorbed package everything that Daria holds in disdain. She dates as many boys as she can, but, paradoxically, she seems to have a real fear of intimacy; she won't even let a boy slow-dance with her. That doesn't seem to affect her ability to get dates, however, as almost every guy she meets tends to fall all over her (with one notable exception).

There are moments in which Quinn reveals that she's not quite the airhead she appears to be, but for the most part, her intelligence is geared mainly towards what is most important to her: namely, being cute and popular. However, by the start of her junior year, this began to change; after a summer of tutoring, she discovered that she actually has a functioning brain under all that makeup and bouncy hair, and has begun to use it... within limits, of course.

For years, Quinn was terminally embarrassed at having Daria -- a "brain" (ewww!) -- for a sister. She would tell everyone tthat she and Daria were cousins, distant relatives... anything but sisters. However, her tolerance and respect for Daria grew steadily over the years, particularly after her summer tutoring. This finally culminated in her public admission to her friends of her true relationship to Daria. It was the most significant moment of personal growth Quinn had ever shown, but the ironic thing is, her friends knew all along that they were sisters; they were just being polite about it!

It's a safe bet that if Quinn ever discovered her true potential, her lethal combination of looks and brains would make her a very formidable person indeed!

Status at end of series: Advanced to the senior class at Lawndale High. Took an extended sabbatical from her duties in the Fashion Club, which became a permanent one when the Fashion Club dissolved. Still friends with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. Gained a new friend, Lindy, while working at the Governor's Park restaurant.

Daria on Quinn: How lucky can I get -- to have such an attractive and popular sister? Pass the drain cleaner, please.

Helen

Full Name: Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer
Current Age: 48... make that 43... no, 38...
Vocation: Attorney at Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter & Schrecter

A former flower child turned high-powered corporate lawyer, Helen is the textbook definition of "overworked parent." She's a go-getter, but rarely puts as much intensity into raising her children as she does in her job. Her world revolves around her legal briefs and her cellular phone, and her idea of parental involvement consists of sending her assistant to parent-teacher conferences. As such, she is often clueless as to what is happening in the lives of Daria and Quinn, and her attempts at parenting often fall flat. (There are occasional breaks in the clouds, however, like the time she gave advice that helped Daria overcome a case of writer's block. This and other incidents show that maybe -- just maybe -- she knows her daughter better than anyoone ever suspected.)

Jake

Full Name: Jacob Morgendorffer
Age: Mid 40's
Vocation: Self-employed marketing consultant

Jake is not unlike many sitcom fathers: well meaning, but totally clueless when it comes to the intricacies of parenthood. He is almost always stressed out over some issue or another; that, combined with many unresolved issues from his childhood and a tendency to blow the tiniest of things way out of proportion, often get in the way of his best intentions. He's also living proof that humans and jellyfish can have offspring, as he is totally spineless and lets Helen run roughshod over him. Like Helen, Jake is also a former hippie, but unlike his peers, he somehow managed to get through the peace-and-love era without compromising a single ounce of his stress.

Jane

Full Name: Jane Lane
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Freshman at Boston Fine Arts College

Jane is Daria's best friend. They met during a self-esteem class at Lawndale High, which Jane had already taken six times (she could have easily passed the class, but having low self-esteem "made her feel special"). Like Daria, Jane is cynical, intelligent, and talented (she is a budding artist), but she is also a little more open to the world around her. She enjoys running, and once joined the Lawndale High track team... briefly.

Like any good artist, Jane constantly explores the passionate and emotional side of the world, which usually translates into exploring -- sometimes impulsively -- various romantic possibilities with boyys. Her emotional nature tends to get the better of her, unfortunately, and is part of the reason why her only long-term relationship (with Tom) ended -- disastrously. Her strained relationship with Daria (who began dating Tom) finally was resolved, and she now appears to be (mostly) comfortable with her best friend dating her ex-boyfriend... though, of course, she doesn't miss an opportunity to tease both of them about it.

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High. Accepted into the midterm freshman class at Boston Fine Arts College, where she'll undoubtedly continue to drag Daria (who was accepted into the freshman class at nearby Raft College) into more adventures.

Daria on Jane: Artiste extraordinaire and pizza fiend. Believes paint-by-number kits are inherently evil.

Trent

Full Name: Trent Lane
Current Age: 23
Vocation: Musician

When the term "slacker" was coined, they must have had Trent in mind. Having graduated from Lawndale High several years ago, Trent now spends most of his time playing guitar in, and writing songs for, his band, Mystik Spiral. He's turned sleeping into an art form -- no schedule can hold him down! -- and has attained a level of laziness that makes the biggest couch potato on Earth look like a hummingbird on amphetamines.

Being soft-spoken and handsome hasn't exactly hurt Trent; he maintains an on-again, off-again relationship with a fellow musician, Monique, and he used to leave the normally articulate and self-assured Daria at a complete loss for words, but his slacker ways and his inability to stick to commitments eventually crushed her crush. He and Daria are now good friends; he's helped her out on more than several occasions, most significantly by giving her several uncanny insights into her relationship with Tom Sloane and being a sounding board during the summer period when Daria and Jane were on the outs.

Above and beyond all else, however, Trent has maintained a close relationship with Jane, acting as sort of a surrogate parent in the face of Amanda and Vincent's long absences. If "Janey" heads off to college (or art school) after graduation, however, it would be interesting to see if Trent would maintain a steady course, or slowly lose his way due to the lack of her steadying influence in his life.

Daria on Trent: Jane's older brother. Musician and philosopher. His philosophy involves not making any sudden movements... or gradual ones.

Brittany

Full Name: Brittany Taylor
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Freshman at Great Prairie State University

Brittany is Lawndale High's resident "airhead blonde." She is the head of the varsity cheerleading squad, which is practically the only thing she's good at since she's about as bright as a three watt light bulb. (Thinking is definitely not her strong suit; whenever she's confused, her usual response is a pathetic "Eep!" as her brain seizes up.) Her favorite activities include cheering, parties, shopping, her boyfriend Kevin, twirling her hair around her finger with a vacant look in her eyes, and listening to the soothing sound of the wind blowing between her ears. She and Daria are acquaintances, though Daria would probably hesitate to call her a "friend."

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High. Accepted into the freshman class at Great Prairie State University. Still going out with Kevin, though that might not last for long since Kevin was held back at Lawndale High.

Daria on Brittany: Kevin's main squeeze. Sugar and spice and Cosmo advice.

Sandi

Full Name: Sandi Griffin
Current Age: 17
Current Vocation: Senior at Lawndale High

Sandi is the President of the Fashion Club, and takes her leadership role very seriously (well, as seriously as she is able). Her deep voice is exceeded only by her very deep jealousy of Quinn, whom she feels is a threat to her standing both in the Fashion Club and on the popularity scene. Her mother, Linda, is a prominent businesswoman in Lawndale, and her rivalry with Helen is a mirror of the one between Sandi and Quinn. In fact, there seems to be growing evidence that Sandi is the way she is largely due to Linda's influence.

Despite her predatory ways, there's growing evidence that her hold on the Fashion Club is starting to slip: Quinn is showing signs of greater independence (perhaps because now that she's getting smarter, she knows that she doesn't have to rely on the Fashion Club as much), and Stacy is growing more of a backbone, allowing her to stand up to Sandi's bullying tactics more often. And even Sandi herself may be changing somewhat: her recent bout with weight gain showed her how much of a friend she really has in Quinn, and that she could have more real friends if she treated people as potential allies, not as adversaries. Whether or not she'll seize the opportunity in front of her, however, remains to be seen.

Status at end of series: Advanced to the senior class at Lawndale High. Took a permanent sabbatical from the Fashion Club when first Quinn, then Stacy and Tiffany did likewise, which essentially caused the Fashion Club to dissolve (though the girls continue to be friends and hang out with each other).

Daria on Sandi: Her voice is deep. Her thoughts are not.

Stacy

Full Name: Stacy Rowe
Current Age: 17
Current Vocation: Senior at Lawndale High

Stacy is the Secretary of the Fashion Club. She is deeply insecure, and appears to have no personality of her own. As such, she pretty much lives vicariously through the other Fashion Club members, particularly Quinn (one time, she even dressed exactly like Quinn and wanted them to dye their hair the same color). Stacy is also highly emotional, and has been known to go into panic attacks so bad that she starts hyperventilating. When it comes to the power struggle between Sandi and Quinn, Stacy will usually try to take Quinn's side, but more often than not is cowed into submission by Sandi. However, this appears to be changing: the frustrations of trying to run the Fashion Club with the self-absorbed Tiffany (after Sandi and Quinn temporarily resigned) caused Stacy to blow up at the poor girl. This little brush with self-confidence seems to have manifested itself in the ability to stand up for herself... but not all the time, of course.

Status at end of series: Advanced to the senior at class Lawndale High. Took a permanent sabbatical from the Fashion Club after Quinn did likewise, with Tiffany and Sandi following suit.

Daria on Stacy: Shows her navel. Says nothing novel.

Tiffany

Full Name: Tiffany Blum-Deckler
Current Age: 17
Current Vocation: Senior at Lawndale High

Tiffany is the Coordinating Officer, charged with making sure that the Fashion Club members do not wear clothes that clash with each other (she also appears to be the accessorizing expert). Her unofficial role, however, is that of "yes man," as she will always side with either Sandi or Quinn, depending on who happens to be winning at the time. She is also pathologically insecure about her looks and her weight -- if one day she simply dried up and blew away, she'd still consider herself to be "too fat" -- and if her speech patterns are any indication, she's either learning-disabled, heavily medicated, or really hard pressed to keep up with the world around her. How she manages to get through the day is a mystery; a stint as Fashion Club president (when Sandi resigned when she gained weight after breaking her leg) showed that she's hard-pressed to think of anything other than herself.

Status at end of series: Advanced to the senior class at Lawndale High. Took a permanent sabbatical from the Fashion Club after Quinn and Stacy did likewise.

Daria on Tiffany: Purse on her shoulder. Little on her mind.

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie

The Three J's -- Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie -- are the lead horses in Quinn's stable of admirers. Ever have an annoying little brother or sister who kept following you around and wouldn't leave you alone? Same here, only they probably didn't constantly buy you things and beg to do things for you. They probably never continually fought with each other for your attentions, either.

The J's are all juniors at Lawndale High and are on the football team, and their constant groveling at Quinn's feet is pathetic to the point of sickening... not that Quinn is about to discourage it, of course! Jamie is saddled with an additional burden, in that no one can seem to remember his name. He's been called Jeremy, Jimmy, Jamiel, Jerome; any name beginning with J, he's been called it. (He alone of the three does have the distinction of having a last name, however -- it's White.)

Status at end of series: Advanced to the senior class at Lawndale High.

Daria's guide to telling them apart: Joey is the guy with dark tresses, whom Quinn sure impresses. Jeffy is the guy with red locks, who thinks Quinn's a fox. Jamie is the one with light hair, who loves Quinn so fair.

Andrea

Full Name: Andrea
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Graduate of Lawndale High

Andrea (pronounced ahn-DREY-ah) is, quite simply, the "goth chick." Little is known about her, but her manner of dress (dark eyeliner, gray shirt, long gray skirt, fishnet glove on one hand... that is, when she's not working as a stock clerk at her parent-enforced job at the local warehouse store) and her quiet demeanor all scream "dark." In fact, if her poetry is any indication, she could give Daria a run for her money in the "bleak outlook on life" department. She is in several of Daria's classes and has developed something of a cult following among the fans, with many of them hanging on her every non-syllable.

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High.

Jodie

Full Name: Jodie Abigail Landon
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Freshman at Turner University

Every school has its model student... and Jodie qualifies as three of them. She's intelligent and popular, a condition that violates more than a few natural laws. She never met an extracurricular activity she didn't like; as President of the French Club, Vice President of the Student Council, President of the Honor Society, editor of the yearbook, and a member of the tennis team, Jodie is the see-all do-all student. Underneath that picture perfect exterior, however, is a significant (but well-hidden) layer of frustration and resentment. Due to her being practically the only African American student at Lawndale High, and to the constant pressure to achieve from her parents, she feels she must be Miss Perfect Student in order to set an example for others. Daria is a friend of Jodie's, and in some ways is also a role model for her, as Daria generally says and does whatever she likes... something that Jodie wishes she could do more often.

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High as valedictorian. Accepted into the freshman class at Turner University. Still going out with Mack, who received a scholarship to Vance University (and who was instrumental in convincing Jodie's parents that she'd be a lot happier at the predominantly African-American Turner than at the more prestigious, but less culturally diverse, Crestmore University).

Daria on Jodie: Mack's steady date. Does everything by the book and returns it to the library on time.

Kevin

Full Name: Kevin Thompson
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Senior at Lawndale High (held back)

What goes well with an airhead cheerleader? A dumb jock, of course! Kevin is the quarterback of the Lawndale High varsity football team, and has apparently been through one too many practices without his helmet. He has no brains and no clue, which makes him the perfect match for Brittany. He is almost never out of his football uniform, probably because he'd be hopelessly confused about what else to wear. Daria tolerates him as best she can.

Status at end of series: Flunked his senior year at Lawndale High and was held back. Still going out with Brittany, though that may change since Brittany is now attending Great Prairie State University.

Daria on Kevin: Brittany's half-baked love muffin. He's the BMOC. Too bad he has no idea what it stands for.

Mack

Full Name: Michael Jordan MacKenzie
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Freshman at Vance University

Mack (whose middle name was James until his father changed it after attending a Chicago Bulls playoff game) is, like his girlfriend Jodie, intelligent and popular, despite the fact that he's a jock. He is the captain of the Lawndale High varsity football team, which means he constantly has to put up with Kevin's stupidity. He and Daria get along well -- it helps that he's almost as cynical as she is -- and he's an all-around cool guy... but do not call him "Mack Daddy!"

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High. Accepted into the freshman class at Vance University on a scholarship. Still going out with Jodie, who was accepted into Turner University. Was instrumental in convincing Jodie's parents that she'd be a lot happier at the predominantly African-American Turner than at the more prestigious, but less culturally diverse, Crestmore University.

Daria on Mack: Jodie's boyfriend and captain of the football team. Has to tolerate Kevin, who has taken a few too many hits to the head.

Upchuck

Full Name: Charles Ruttheimer III
Current Age: 18
Current Vocation: Graduate of Lawndale High

Upchuck is a person that raises being a geek to an art form. He's also sleazy to the Nth degree, and is thoroughly convinced that he's God's gift to women. Upchuck's standards are only slightly higher than his success rate (which is at absolute zero); he'd be sued for sexual harassment if he weren't such a waste of effort. His catch phrase is "Rrrrrrr, feisty!" Listen for it, and be afraid... be very afraid...

Status at end of series: Graduated from Lawndale High.

Daria on Upchuck: Would be the love child of Jerry Lewis and James Bond, were such a thing possible.

Tom

Full Name: Thomas Sloane
Current Age: 18
Vocation: Freshman at Bromwell University
 

Tom is a member of one of Lawndale's wealthiest families. He goes to a prep school and looks every every inch the part of a "spoiled rich brat." That's where the stereotype ends, however, as his every action is designed to downplay the fact that he comes from a rich family (even going far as to drive a "junkie" car... a rusted Ford Pinto at first, then a Jaguar that's in only slightly better shape). His rebellious streak even leads him to explore life on the "other side of the tracks," which is where he met Jane and Daria.

Charming, intelligent, and a quick wit (with a sarcastic streak that's second to none), Tom's charms lead him to a relationship with Jane, then to one with Daria when he and Jane grew apart and he acted on his attraction to Daria... not exactly Tom's finest moment, though Daria did play a pretty significant role. They all reconciled their differences eventually, and Tom and Daria settled into a slow, steady relationship (and he even managed to stay friends with Jane).

From Tom's point of view, his relationship with Daria is definitely a challenge. He gets along well with her most of the time, but like most guys his age, he tends to be somewhat clueless, and will say and do things that Daria takes the wrong way. Even with something that isn't his fault, though, dealing with Daria seems to take an extraordinary amount of patience. To his credit, he appears to have dug in for the long haul, though how long a haul it is remains to be seen, what with graduation fast approaching.

Status at end of series: Graduated from Fielding Preparatory Academy. Accepted into the freshman class at Bromwell University. Broke up with Daria after they both realized that they were headed in opposite directions in life, though they vowed to remain friends and keep each other updated on their lives.

Mr DeMartino

Full Name: Anthony DeMartino
Current Age: 51
Vocation: History teacher at Lawndale High

Mr. DeMartino teaches History, and is stressed out to the point of being taken away in a straight-jacket (he makes Jake look like a master of Zen meditation). Mr. DeMartino is not unlike Jake in the fact that he suffered a bad childhood at the hands of uncaring parents. This undoubtedly accounts for most of his current psychological problems, the rest of which are caused by intellectual giants such as Kevin and Brittany. He has an annoying habit of shouting every fifth word or so, which causes one of his eyes to bulge out of his head, and if all that weren't enough, he's also saddled with a gambling addiction (which at one time cost him his car).

Daria on Mr. DeMartino: Thinks teachers' editions are for wimps. Beneath his gruff exterior, he's a puppy dog. A rabid puppy dog.

Ms Li

Full Name: Angela Li
Age: Mid 40's
Vocation: Principal of Lawndale High

Ms. Li is the tyrannical Principal of Lawndale High. She has many facets to her personality, one of them being an entrepreneur: she is quite adept at, and obsessed with, raising money for the school. Another is an image consultant: she is always concerned about the school's image and reputation. A liberal sprinkling of paranoia and megalomania round out the mixture. Among her priorities is the education and well-being of the students in her charge, though it's not exactly at the top of her list (or in the middle, for that matter). As a principal, she makes a wonderful dictator.

Daria on Ms. Li: The power behind the pantsuit. Considers hall passes a subversive plot. May be CIA.

Mr O'Neill

Full Name: Timothy O'Neill
Age: Early to mid 40's
Vocation: English teacher at Lawndale High

Mr. O'Neill is the English teacher (with an occasional stint as the teacher of Lawndale High's self-esteem class). The most charitable description of him would have to be "complete and total wuss." He's a "sensitive new-age type" who is always talking about one's feelings; unfortunately, he doesn't have a very good grip on his own emotions, as he's almost always upset or distressed about something. His blood is 100% chicken (he's easily frightened by the most innocuous of things), and he can't remember a person's name to save his life. Strangely enough, he tends to have an occasional fling with Ms. Barch -- always her idea, of course, as he's the type that would never even think of having a wild night with a woman, much less with the ultra-intimidating Ms. Barch.

Daria on Mr. O'Neill: Fond of button-down shirts and trite observations. Never forgets a face... just the name that goes with it.

Ms Bennett

Full Name: Diane Bennett
Age: Mid to late 40's
Vocation: Economics teacher at Lawndale High

Mrs. Bennett teaches Economics, and is likable but loopy. She is renowned for her extremely confusing chalkboard diagrams, which look like football playbook schematics but are a thousand times more confusing. She and her husband Herbert are collectors of Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits, a line of Beanie Baby-like stuffed animals (she once got a whole boxful when she took her class to the Mall of the Millennium).

Daria on Mrs. Bennett: Lives for the clicky-clack sound that chalk makes. Her confusing diagrams are legendary, as is her hatred of pennies.

Ms Barch

Full Name: Janet Barch
Age: Mid 40's
Vocation: Science teacher at Lawndale High

Ms. Barch is the Science Teacher From Hell. She's just as psychotic as Mr. DeMartino, but her attitude stems from a very messy, very bitter divorce. As such, she has developed a rather healthy distaste for men (okay, she's a festering cauldron of hatred and resentment), which usually manifests itself by her giving the female students higher grades and favored treatment over the male students. The only man that has been able to get through her armour -- inadvertently -- is Mr. O'Neill, and thhat's only because he (unlike the rest of his "disgusting, war-mongering sex") displays and shares his feelings.

Daria on Ms. Barch: Hypothesis: Bitter divorce results in intense resentment of all males. Of any species.

Ms Defoe

Full Name: Claire Defoe
Age: Late 30's to early 40's
Vocation: Art teacher at Lawndale High

Ms. Defoe teaches Art, and appears to be the most normal of all the Lawndale High faculty. She is very down-to-earth, pleasant to a fault, and patient with all her students (even the talent-challenged Brittany). She is also a great admirer of Jane's artwork. (Ms. Defoe elicits a rare compliment from Jane -- "she's nice" -- even though Jane didn't appreciate Ms. Defoe guilt-tripping her into participating in a lame PTA poster art contest.) Her giving nature tends to come at a price, however, as in the case of her not having the heart to throw her freeloading ex-college roommates out of her studio apartment, thereby causing her to lug around a sleeping bag and to shower at a truck stop (using her own homemade soap, of course).

Daria on Ms. Defoe: Jewellery as large as her imagination. Resents being forced to choose between "arts" and "crafts."

Quotes

Ms. Li: As you can see, our Lawndale high students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High.
Daria: S.O.S., girl overboard.
Quinn: Nobody told me about any test!
Daria: Don't worry. It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt.
Quinn: Oh. All right.

Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
Daria: It's Daria.
Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Daria: Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.
Jake: I'll say!
Daria: I have low esteem for everyone else.

Mr. O'Neill: What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?
Daria: Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together.
Mr. O'Neill: Excellent!
Daria: Something that'll really make them suffer.

Jake: How's the old self-esteem coming, kiddo?
Daria: My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life with childish epithets like "kiddo" is probably a key source of my problem.
Jake: (distressed) Really?

Ms. Li: Now, Mr. O'Neill has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class.
Daria: This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.
Jane: Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta.

Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. (glances at Daria, smirks, then launches into her act) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something... (audience starts tittering) I... uh... I want to go home! (sobs and runs off stage)
(audience laughs)
Mr. O'Neill: Daria, wait! (runs after Jane)

(Three J's approach)
Jeffy: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books?
Joey: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil?
Jamie: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else?
Quinn: A hair scrunchie?
Jamie: Great!
Daria: Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie.

Ms. Defoe: (examines Daria's drawing) Good work, Daria. Your cube is bursting out of the picture plane. You've really created the illusion of depth.
Daria: I'm thinking of going into politics.

Daria: You know when things seem very far away?
Brittany: Like the weekend?
Daria: Distant things, like mountains and buildings.
Brittany: But, Daria... we're in a building.

(Three J's start asking Quinn out simultaneously)
Quinn: Sure.
Jeffy: Who? Me?
Joey: Which one?
Jamie: Him or me?
Quinn: Everyone! You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away. That would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog.

Brittany: Maybe I could help you out in something.
Daria: Well, you could show me how to twirl hair around my little finger and look vacant.
Brittany: (twirls hair and looks vacant) I don't know if that's something you can teach.

Daria: If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway.
Jane: (puts on Daria's glasses and imitates her) "Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell." (normal voice) It won't work. My face is too expressive.

Quinn: Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake.
Helen: Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends.
Quinn: Maybe now she'll have two.
Daria: Touché, Quinn.
Quinn: And don't think you're confusing me with that French.

Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.

Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.
Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
Trent: As long as you don't drop it.

(Quinn approaches, her shoes squishing)
Daria: What happened to your fan club?
Quinn: They beat each other up. It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic.
Jane: Ironic.
Daria: She was right the first time.

Instructor: Today's admission standards are more rigorous than ever, which is why...
Jane: Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go. (looks at Jodie) Television counts as a place.

Kevin: Pssst. Daria, what did you get for number one?
Daria: The thing about who I really am?
Kevin: Yeah.
Daria: Try "cross-dresser."

Professor: Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.
Daria: I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.
Professor: But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.
Daria: Well...
Professor: Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.
Daria: Oh! Okay.
Professor: Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!
Daria: (waking up) How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

Jake: We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend.
Quinn: Wait! We get to pick the college. And no one said you could come.
Helen: But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.
Quinn: We're walking? Uh! (leaves)
Daria: Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.

Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
Girl: Mmm. What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria: No.

Jane: What happened to all your paper-writing money?
Daria: My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
Jane: So, she's giving up being a lawyer?
Daria: I asked her that. And I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.

Mr. O'Niell: Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality.
Daria: You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?

Quinn: Can I have $29.99 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!
Daria: Good idea. You don't need any more holes in your head.

Trent: Do you ever feel like you're wasting your life?
Daria: Only when I'm awake.

Brittany: Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
Daria: I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.

Brittany: (to Kevin) Hmph! For your information, there are plenty of guys who think I'm pretty and smart!
Daria: You can visit them at the Cedars of Lawndale head injury ward.

Jake: How come Quinn never introduces us to her friends?
Daria: Why don't you ask the little people who live in your potatoes?

Quinn: A hundred dollars. It's yours. All you have to do is be my dance committee.
Daria: Put away the cash; I'll do it for free.
Quinn: You will?
Daria: Sure. And after that, we can play Mystery Date and have a taffy pull.

Helen: (reading Daria’s career aptitude test evaluation sheet) A mortician? ‘Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead.’ Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans?
Daria: I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket.
Helen: I can't believe you're not more ambitious.
Daria: You want me to kill people to drum up business?

Kevin: Wow! That's your third sale. I thought you brains only knew about school stuff, but, like, you know how to sell nuts, too. Amazing.
Daria: Yes, Kevin. You'd be surprised how handy a command of basic literacy skills can be.

Jake: (sniffs) Hey, what's for dinner? Peanut butter sandwiches?
Quinn: That's Daria. She smells like peanuts from her stupid job.
Daria: I what? (sniffs) Oh, God. That explains those squirrels at the bus stop.
Helen: While we're on the subject, tell us about your job, Daria.
Daria: It went surprisingly well.
Helen: Really?
Daria: In fact, I doubt I can ever top today's performance. So I think I'll take early retirement, starting tomorrow.

Jake: See those berries? That's our breakfast! See that stream? That's our drinking water!
Daria: See that skeleton? That's our future.

Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.

Brittany: Come on! Let's play a word game!
Jodie: How about geography?
Kevin: Nah, you have to know stuff for that. How about Monopoly?
Mack: Monopoly's not a word game.
Kevin: I know that. Can I be the Racing Car?

Daria: But if I babysat for you, then technically I'd be doing you a favour. And that simply cannot be.

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