Kath And Kim!
I love Kath and Kim, I find it extremely funny. This page is a dedication to all things Kath and Kim.
Introduction to Series Two...
Kath Day-Knight should be the happiest woman in Fountain Lakes. A forty-something lady who likes to keep herself trim, she married her great hunk o'spunk, Kel, a month ago. However, their eagerly anticipated connubials had gone tragically wrong - leaving Kath in plaster in hospital - and she is far from her flagrant self.
Meanwhile, her daughter, Kim, is still shut out of the marital unit she shared with her estranged husband, Brett, after her ice maiden act backfired. She blamed the failure of their marriage on not having had enough time to sow her rolled oats.
Still, Kim does have her second best friend, accident prone Sharon Strzelecki, to help her feel better - by comparison.
This series, newlyweds Kath and Kel are set to discover the truth about marriage - is it all it's cracked up to be? Will Brett decide he cannot live without Kim's foul temper and mood swings after all? Can Kim achieve her dream of being effluent? Is a relationship finally on the horizon for sports-mad Sharon?
CHARACTERS...
Kath
Day-Knight
Now Kath is married she is up to pussy's bow. Yes absolutely. Kath fills her
days trying to work out where to put Kel's bomber jackets and huge collection of
man bags.
She is still high maintenance but it is all for nought as Kim's continued presence in the next door bedroom is cramping Kath's style. Accordingly, her and Kel's relations are on the backburner.
Kim Craig
nee Day
Kim is a foxymoron, that's a given. She is still young, well she doesn't look
her age, so she is sowing her rolled oats big time.
Brett won't let her back in the marital unit but stuff him, she is just not some man's crutch.
Sharon
Strzelecki
Sharon is still Kim's second best friend and as such she sticks by Kim through
thick. Sharon is not so unlucky in love these days, with a certain someone
playing havoc with her pash rash and carbuncles.
Kel Knight
Kel is still Kath's catch of the day and a great hunk o' spunk, and Kel in turn
loves everything about Kath - especially her chicken feet.
He is never happier than when he is by Kath's side - power walking, cooking up Ian Hewitson or discussing burning issues whilst burning fat on their matching Ski-time buttock and thigh toners.
Brett Craig
Brett is on a career projectory at the moment. He is climbing his way up the
Computacity ladder.
He has had a gutful of Kim's moods and has changed the locks. Having said that he still thinks she is the biggest hornbag in Fountain Lakes (well he's only yuman).
QUOTES
Kim: Our marriage is over. O-V-A-H!
Kel: I propose that I take you to paradise.
Kath: You mean Surfers?
Kim: I want to be effluent, Mum.
Kath: You are effluent, Kim. Look what you have - a Hyundai, a half-share in a home unit, a DVD player, a mobile...
Kath: I want it done toute suite please Kim.
Kath: What does that pacifically entail?
Kim: Cujo thinks she's me, she sleeps on my side of the bed, she growls at Brett, she drinks out of the toilet bowl.
Kath: Well Kim I'll tell you something for nothing - you may eat like a pig but you're certainnly not a dog.
Kim: Well if I'm not a dog how come I've got a bitch for a mother?
Brett: When are you coming home, Kim? I need you... I dunno how to use the washing machine.
Kim: I'm not a size 16, I'm a size 10!
Kath: Huh! Country Road size 10!
Kath: (sighs) Kim is my daughter... and whether I like it or not, she's a big fat reality I have to deal with.
Kim: Mum, where's your video camera?
Kath: Ohh I'll get it, it's in the bedroom on the tripod. Hmm better get that tape out actually.
Kath: I like to keep myself trim, Kim. Does it make me a crim to keep myself trim?
Sharon: Kim! Brett's supposed to be wrapped in me, not you!
Kim: Sharon! I can't help it if Brett's captivated by my unnatural beauty!
Kath: (making a toast) To Epponee-Rae's preposterous life!
Kim: Look at me, Mum, I'm a wreck!
Kath: Yes you are, you've really stacked on the weight!
Kim: You think Brett is the bee's knees! Well let me tell you, bee's knees are hard to live with 24/7!
Kath: (to Kim) I can't run your life for you. You're a grown woman. And that's enough Tiny Teddies please!
Kath: I'm very proud of my home. Ditto, myself. I'm very proud of how I look. Yes, I am high-maintenance, but I think you gotta be! And frankly, I enjoy it!
Kath: In fact, and I don't want to put the mockers on it, but I have a feeling in my waters that tonight might be the night Kel proposes!
Kath: Wart-off! Wart-off Kim! Quick, out of the way, I've got a really nasty papilloma coming up on my heel.
Kath: We're going out for a nice meal somewhere a bit special, maybe Chinese.
Kim: Not that special for 800 million Chinese!
Kath's choosing which pair of earrings to wear.
Kath: What do you reckon, the gumnut babies or the parrots? Which is nicer?
Kim: The parrots. They're nice, they're different, they're unusual.
Kel: So Kath didn't tell me. when's the baby due?
Kim: I'm not pregnant.
Kel: Busy at work?
Kim: Nuh.
Kel: What is it you do again?
Kim: I work in a call centre.
Kel: So 'this conversation may be monitored for quality control! Press two or just hang up.' (laughs)
Kim looks at him coldly.
Kel: So Kim do you like sausages?
Kim: What?
Kel: Because I think I may have invented the perfect gourmet sausage. Smoked veal and rosemary. How's that grab you?
Kath: Oh that sounds delicious, doll. Kel's a wonderful butcher Kim.
Kel: Purveyor of fine meats, actually Kath.
Kim: How late are you going to be Mum?
Kath: Late.
Kim: How late's late?
Kath: Late late all things going well.
Kim: Poo, Mum! Your breath stinks. Have you cleaned your teeth?
Kim (on marriage): If I'd have known that the flowers and dinners out every night were going to stop I never would have done it. I was just the boring old housewife wasn't I. But look at me! I'm not a housewife, I'm a hornbag!
Kim: What happened to the table Mum? It's a mess!
Kath: I don't know, Kel and I laid it last night!
Kath: Last night Kel touched me in nooks and unexplored crannies I never knew I had!
Kath: How's your eye, love?
Sharon: Much better. The festering's stopped.
Kath: Kel doll, would you be liking a shower before work today?
Kel: Sounds nice. How about you and I save some water?
Kath: Oooh sounds economical. I am a bit of a greenie.
Kim: Brett and I have nothing in common. He's lazy, he whinges, only ever thinks about himself. What about me?
Kath: I've read all the self-help books Kim. Brett is in his cave right now and you're pulling his rubber bands far too tight. I mean its men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
Kim: Yeah, and you're talking from Uranus!
Sharon: Kim you listen to Sharon. I've been in 29 netball premierships, I've played indoor cricket in 4 states and I've shot-putted at a national level. Now I think I know what I'm talking about. The sooner you realize all men are bastards and develop an interest in sport, the happier you'll be.
Sharon: Don't you think it's nice your mum's got a boyfriend? Or are they de factos?
Kim: Day facto, night facto, the fact that they're facto-ing at all I find repulsive in the extreme!
Sharon: Talk to the ears cause the hand ain't listening!
Look At Moiye, Look At Moiye. I've Got One Word To Say To You...
Series 1 Episode 1: Pumps
Episode 2: Go back to Brett toute suite, get real, you'll never do any better!
Episode 3: Choker
Episode 4: Ozone
Episode 5: R.S.V.P.
Episode 6: Have a little boy and calm down.
Episode 7: Bonbonniere.
Episode 8: ...
