Tues, February 24, 2002 -     I have a funny story to relate... I used to practice kendo at a small Japanese school in NYC. It was a Saturday, most of the more experienced practitioners did not show up that day, and the day was delegated to children and beginners. We started our free bouting excersizes and my opponent was a new face, a girl. At the time I simply regarded her as another opponent, however as the bout progressed something was different. She seemed to be having fun, and I wasn't exhausting myself. After a number of bouts we bowed to each other and went off to change. The school's changing rooms were organized in a perculiar manner. The male chaning room was directly down a set of stairs, however the females had to go through the male changing room and down a hallway to their changing rooms. I was in the middle of changing when I heard her voice as she trompled down the stairs saying "what's taking him so long?". I sat there topless folding my hakama, and our eyes met for a split second causing her to blush and she ran back upstairs without another word. It was my last day there... sometimes I regret leaving, regret not being more open... perhaps this girl could've taught me what the men there couldn't, and in ways she already has with a single bout... to be gentle and respectful even to your opponents...

Sun, February 15, 2002 -     The image of a graceful blade lingers in the back of my mind. It's sober black mounts, the scabbard a dark horn polished in fresh blood. The temper line advances and receeds over a fine wood grains of steel, a peaceful view, sand under gentle waves. It was light in my hands, the draw was quick, the cut was effortless, it was alive. I envy the work of this smith, Kanemitsu of Osafune, his ability to gain immortality through his work, flawless even after 5 centuries, these legendary blades... It sleeps, content to have the eyes of admirers look upon it's naked steel... but I have awakened it's spirit, it has found the proper hands, and it shall perform.

Sat, February 14, 2002 -     February 14... an important date... the date of my birth... The oldest cells in my body have reached the age of 22 years and 9 months... but it makes no difference, this day is no different from yestederday, and it too shall pass quietly by.

Thurs, February 12, 2002 -     I've been feeling indifferent lately. I eat because I should and not because I want to, I sleep because there is nothing better to do, I spend my hours in retrospect rather then putting my energy to the work I should complete. I remember... this state of mind... I was there once before...

Wed, February 11, 2002 -     I am at odds with the world. A person I know is trying to change me, but all that he believes in goes against my composition; the existence of a god... What difference exists between an angel and a demon? a saint and a pariah? evocations and prayers? What difference does it make? I wish he could see the white and austere simplicity of my world...

Tues, February 10, 2004 -     It's been a while... I sit here wondering how I would feel after close to two years of neglect, to be picked up, looked over, everything's alright. I've been alone, lonely actually, but it feels right... I'm home...

Sat, July 28, 2002 -     I've been listening to the same song for the entire day. Her voice is hypnotic almost, I could never get tired of listening to her voice. I'd never even imagine to have a relationship with this girl, but I've simply fallen in love with her voice.

                "When you hold my hand you hold my heart"

                "But lately we still drift apart"

                "When I say I love you I mean it"

                "I mean it."

    Other than constantly flooding my ears, I've been in my room the entire day along with my mice who've grown to fully developed and healthy does who were just a mass of pink writhing things a month ago. They like me, it's easy to tell. How excited they get when I open the wire cage, they take a risk and climb to the rim of the aquarium I keep them in just so they could get a chance at reaching out and getting a paw on my shirt, and climbing up to my shoulder and hiding behind my neck as if playing hide and go seek with me.

    Maybe I'll set aside my work, my constant trudging through these articles to find something that never existed, something I saw in a dream but forgot it was a dream and thought it was real. Maybe I'll go dream and find it again, finally find what I'm looking for... 

Wed, May 22, 2002 -     Today I killed 5 mice. I gased them, with carbon dioxide. They seemed to stumble on themselves, fell over and just let go. They didn't fight. I cut them up. All their organs. Put them in glass tubes. I felt sick.

    I'm hungry, but I feel sick. I'm tired, but too afraid to go to sleep. I think I'll play video games till dawn again...